Weekend Update: Biden's State of the Union, Mitch McConnell Endorses Trump - SNL

Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. GOOD AFTERNOON. THANK YOU ALL. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE". I'm MICHAEL CHE. I AM COLIN JOST. Well, on Thursday, Sleepy Joe finally woke up. PRESIDENT BIDEN DELIVERED THE STATE OF THE UNION, AND HONESTLY CRUSHED IT, EVEN TRUMP'S HOUSE ELF, LINDSEY GRAHAM, WAS LAUGHING AND ENJOYING IT. HE'S NORMALLY ONLY THIS HAPPY WHEN HE WATCHES RUE PAUL'S DRAG RACE. It was obvious that the bar was low. THE NEW YORK POST ERA HEADLINE IS SIMPLY ALIVE. THAT'S ALL. THAT'S LIKE A TITLE YOU SEE ON BIG FOOT. BIDEN ALSO GET A GREAT RESPONSE WHEN ADDRESSING THE TOPIC OF ABORTION WHEN HE SAID WE ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH POLITICAL POWER WOMEN HAVE, THEN HE TURNED TO KAMALA AND SAID, EXCEPT YOU.

FORMER PRESIDENT AND CURRENT REVERSE MORTGAGE SEEKER DONALD TRUMP CRITICIZED BIDEN'S SPEECH SAYING THAT WORDS DON'T FLOW SMOOTHLY OUT OF HIS MOUTH. WELL, WE CAN'T ALL SPEAK WITH THE SAME EFFORTLESS GRACE AS DONALD J. TRUMP. I RECENTLY HEARD THAT SAUDI ARABIA AND RUSSIA ARE DOING IT -- UH -- SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE JUST INSERT A COLONOSCOPY CAMERA. SOME DEMOCRATIC CRITERIA SEEN TO PRESIDENT BIDEN TALKING ABOUT MIGRANTS USING THE WORD ILLEGAL. COME ON HE'S 81 YEARS OLD. HE MEANS GOOD. LIKE WHEN MY MOM PUT UP THAT SIGN TO STOP EASTERN HATE. COLIN, YOU GO. BIDEN ALSO TOOK TIME TO SAY THAT THE REDUCTION IS AFFECTING SNICKERS BARS AND THAT PEOPLE PAY THE SAME AMOUNT FOR 10% LESS SNICKERS.

It's pretty risky for a white guy with a stutter to keep saying the word SNICKERS. THE REPUBLICAN RESPONSE WAS GIVEN BY ALABAMA SENATOR KATIE BRITT, WHO MADE SOME DECISIONS. AS A MOM, I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS. MISTER. PRESIDENT, ENOUGH. WE SEE YOU. WE HEAR YOU. AND WE ARE WITH YOU. THANK YOU. THOSE ARE ALL SCENES FROM HER ONE WOMAN SHOW, BRITT A LOT. IT'S THE PLAY THAT THE CRITICS ARE CALLING FOR IT, OKAY? IT WAS HONESTLY ONE OF THE WORST PERFORMANCES I HAVE EVER SEEN OR MYSELF. MITCH McCONNELL OFFICIALLY ENDORSED DONALD TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT BECAUSE DESPITE THEIR DIFFERENCES, THEY ARE ACTUALLY FALLING BEHIND.

DONALD TRUMP ENDORSED MARK ROBINSON FOR GOVERNOR OF NORTH CAROLINA BY CALLING ROBINSON MARTIN LUTHER KING ON STEROIDS. DO NOT CONFUSE WITH MARTIN LUTHER KING IN OZEMPIC. ALRIGHT. Go away again, COLIN. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T HAVE IT TODAY. I'M GLAD YOU TOLD IT. MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN, SEEN HERE DRESSED FOR HER TURN ON TGI CRAZIES, WAS QUESTIONED BY A REPORTER ABOUT HER JEWISH SPACE LASER CONSPIRACY THEORY, AND GREEN RESPONDED LIKE THIS. WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT JEWISH SPACE LASERS, AND REALLY WHY DON'T YOU? WOW! EVEN MORE SHOCKING, WATCH WHAT HAPPENS A LITTLE LATER IN THE VIDEO. REALLY, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE?

WHAT ABOUT THAT? ARIZONA SENATOR KIRSTEN CINEMA, WHO LOOKS LIKE ALL THE FLINTSTONES AT ONCE, ANNOUNCED SHE IS RETIRING FROM THE SENATE. BUT I DOUBT THAT ANY OF US WILL EVER FORGET SENATOR CRYSTAL SALMONELLA'S NAME. IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE NBC AND 30 ROCK STUDIOS HAVE BEEN INFESTED WITH BEDBUGS. EVERYONE LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS. NETFLIX ANNOUNCED IN JULY THAT IT WILL STREAM LIVE A FIGHT BETWEEN MIKE TYSON AND JAKE PAUL. BUT THE REAL FIGHT WILL BE MIKE TYSON TRYING TO ADVERTISE NETFLIX. NETFLIX. IT'S HARD TO DO, SEE? JET BLUE AND SPIRIT AIRLINES ANNOUNCED THEY ARE CANCELING THEIR PLANNED MERGER AFTER A FEDERAL JUDGE TOLD JET BLUE, GIRL, DON'T DO IT.

IT WAS REPORTED THAT 92-YEAR-OLD RUPERT MURDOCH WILL MARRY HIS 67-YEAR-OLD GIRLFRIEND. THE COUPLE ASKED INSTEAD OF WEDDING GIFTS TO SEND LUBRICANT. OH, WELL, ANOTHER. IT WAS REPORTED THAT 92-YEAR-OLD RUPERT MURDOCH WILL MARRY HIS 67-YEAR-OLD GIRLFRIEND. THE COUPLE IS REGISTERED AT THE CAMPBELL FUNERAL HOME. Oh boy, this is a tough day for me, man. FOR THE FIRST TIME, TWO MALE HUMPBACK WHALES WERE PHOTOGRAPHED HAVING SEX. LEARN MORE ABOUT THAT IN THE heartbreaking drama HUMBOWED MOUNTAIN. A SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCER WAS ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY THROWING A TAMPON AT THE GORRIALES WHO WERE TAKING HER OUT OF A CLUB. Well, at least we know why he acted that way.

I HAVE TO GO HOME? I'M GOING HOME. A PENNSYLVANIA MAN HAS BEEN SENTENCED TO TWO YEARS OF PROBATION FOR SELLING BODY PARTS TO FUNERAL HOMES, BUT THERE IS STILL NO PUNISHMENT FOR THE BUYER, ARBY'S. ARBY'S, WE HAVE YOUR GRANDFATHER. FOR THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" SPONSORED BY ARBY'S, I'M COLIN JOST. I AM MICHAEL CHE. GOOD NIGHT.