Women in America

When was the last time you were worried about your safety? The last time I was worried about my personal safety. I can't remember that. Don't know. I can not remember. It's never been a problem for me. That's good. question, if you ask a woman when was the last time she was worried about her safety, she will say it's every day, I mean, it's something that maybe you can notice every day, when I go to my job, I have to park blocks away so every hour I go to work every day every day I come here to work I walk to a bus and it doesn't matter which bus stop I go to every time I have to take care of your back I have to take care of your front take care the sides if I'm in the unknown territory and it's dark it's dark and it's late and I live a little far away and I'm a girl alone a couple of nights ago I felt very nervous and very, you know, just scared and like I just wanted to walk in In the middle of the road I'm always running towards my car.

I will take out my keys before leaving the restaurant in case anyone could be a threat to us. I wish I was a little more naive sometimes, I mean. I wouldn't say naive but very unaware of the dangers in the world. The experience for men and

women

is completely different. The reality is that all of you will be and you will all have been attacked at some point and there are no strategies that can help

women

. In particular, avoid being objective, so the question is: how not to become a victim? How could fear be a gift?

Well, these feelings are gifts, they are not things we should ignore, the gift of fear was a bachelor's degree, a master's degree. Bachelor's and PhD, all in one. This is a group of you, a pretty average group of women. You know there wasn't a previous interview here that said, "Please give me the list of 15 ways you've been a victim in your life." We basically have a room full of women and isn't it pretty extraordinary what you all have experienced? I suspect that if you had 18 women together in a room anywhere in America, you would have a lot of stories of victimization and a lot of scary stories and a lot of stories of violence and if it's not us it's someone we know if not it's someone we know it's something we see on the news people at work relatives no one is oblivious to this all my experiences really I just come from being a woman in the world and the vulnerabilities of that.

Do you think almost every woman you know has had some type of victimization or knows someone who has? Yes, every woman I know has experienced, if not outright assault, they have. a feeling where they felt like their power was going to be taken away is a really complex thing that comes and goes in your life for a long time this is women period yes, all women in western society are affected by the fear of this uh, or the reality of this, yes the world health organization says that one in three women will be assaulted at some point in their life, one in three now I'm really upset that people don't let themselves go which is horrible , it's a pandemic, but most people are fine one and three, it is very understandable that men and women have a different view of security in Western culture because of this reality, deep down, men are afraid that women laugh at them and deep down women are afraid that men will kill them, this is really the way.

It is and it is not the way it has to be, so what I hope to do today is see how we don't become paralyzed by fear in society knowing what we know. I really struggled when I was young. She was constantly afraid of being persecuted. of someone breaking into my house I was afraid of being alone in my house at night you cannot live in a state of constant shock, awe and rage you have to operate from a place of hope and love or you will become fatigued to an impossible degree when you have many of your systems on guard be afraid be afraid when you walk to your car be afraid when you are in a parking lot be afraid at home when you hear a noise it is undermining we don't really know the cost to women's health, especially if they have already been assaulted and it's not just some kind of imaginary thing, they've already been assaulted maybe as children and they have all their systems being cautious, in fact, we don't know the cost of that.

Caution towards everyone makes a person more likely to be a victim because, on the one hand, he is exhausting his resource of fear when it is unnecessary, he is exhausting constant tiredness when there is no place for him and, therefore, when he sees something which it really is. a concern that they often do not observe and assimilate because they are applying the same strategy to everyone. I really wish more girls would open their eyes a little more to their surroundings instead of everyone's face being stuck in their phone or you should never walk around with headphones on and I see that all the time you shouldn't do that, we've each Given the responsibility for our own safety, the government is not going to do it for you and, uh, the police are not.

I will do it for you and the corporation that puts lights and security guards in the parking lot will not do it for you, it will all be up to you to do it for you and there are ways you can cooperate with your attacker. which I would clearly recommend that you avoid using one of them with headphones when running in the park. The very nature of jogging is that you move from changing environments to changing environments. It is not a single place and of the senses, hearing is the one that is most volumetric, meaning it spans the entire floor to ceiling, from wall to wall, vision is actually much less valuable, but hearing is everywhere. , the sound of your tennis shoe squeaking on the sidewalk behind you is enough to get your attention, but not if you're wearing headphones. and listen to music and it gets worse with headphones because not only do you deactivate the main sense of survival that we have but you have told everyone around you that you have done it because there are those cables that say on the right type of predator I am you victim here's the hard part of this message the hard part is you mean I should be able to listen to music I mean I can't just listen to music like everyone else joy of these that's right listen to the soundtrack of their day while they walk and that's right, I mean, music is everything to me, like walking down the streets of New York with headphones on, it's like it's my number one favorite thing, it's about the context of the circumstances in which you find yourself. that you are walking in a place full of people.

The vibe you get on the sidewalk in New York is fantastic. I don't love it because of the possibility of hearing a tire squeal or a car horn or a car engine while crossing the street, but it's not about violence, it's about jogging alone in a park. I think it's a big mistake, well, I just know that it's very difficult to take. I know that it is an irregular pill that must be swallowed because yes, it is a harsh reality. I wish it weren't like that. What is my point about all this? it's just for people to be aware of it be aware of what they're choosing to make happen reality reality that's the key because that's where you can see that everything is going well, you can't say I'm not going to be aware because I should It doesn't have to be. well, that's what people do, so it's about training people to understand what the pre-incident indicators of violence are, if I'm seeing them right now and if so, I want to get out of this situation and I want to start using my advantages. and the idea of ​​staying present in the current moment is the key to being aware of people in your environment who might act in predatory ways.

Being alert is not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about being nervous at all. I'm simply talking about being open to what really is. Our dependence on electronic devices? Cell phones interfere with the use of our senses. Really, human beings now choose to be distracted. I was on a New York subway platform and all the women. I saw that he was doing that, there was no one who wasn't doing that, in some way, looking down, paying all their attention to something that takes them out of the present moment and the present environment as soon as this happens and all their attention goes there. , the rest. of the world fades away and you can be sure that your predator is not texting and your predator is not thinking about answering an email or answering a phone call at that moment he is watching you very intently without paying attention completely absorbed in this and so being aware of the circumstances that you are in and the situation that you are in is very important, go ahead I have a question about is there any advice that you would give me if alcohol is in the equation because I find it difficult to continue further your intuition? when you are not of sound mind, then your question contains the answer. uh I've been involved in so many cases after the fact where people came and wanted to better understand what happened to them and what they could do with the alcohol.

On the part of the victim and on the part of the aggressor, you know that there is nothing more unnatural that a being of any kind can do than turn off its various sensory resources. We don't want to be deaf, we don't want to be blind and yet we are both drunk to voluntarily say in effect to nature and the universe thank you for all these fantastic resources. I'm going to close them all right now because I want to feel different. I want to change my status. a mistake, I must clarify that drinking is one thing to be drunk and another thing is a glass of wine it's okay for people who think it's okay that it's not a problem, but being drunk is a tremendous amount of victimization, yes, forward the Rarely have I been a victim because I let my guard down and didn't pay attention to my intuition.

Once I got to know the neighborhood, when I got off the bus in daylight, I told myself this is not a good neighborhood to walk at night and then I continued drinking wine with my friends for dinner and they called the taxi and I told them it was taking too long. I'm going to take the bus like I always do and I went out into that neighborhood and by the time I did there were four of them. Or five kids on those streets and the only thing that had any effect on me was running because they had already started harassing me, but I had four-inch heels on and running away from four teenagers wasn't happening.

I was lucky enough to fall right at a bus stop and a bus driver jumped out and took the kids from me, I never knew what his intention was or anything. Thank you for sharing all of that and listening to your story of the things that were disadvantageous to you, the environment itself, the neighborhood, b having been drinking. not waiting for the taxi and yes, four inch heels, so before we laugh too much, is this a good team? Have you ever seen a police officer who knows he will have to encounter people in four inch heels or a football player or anyone who wants to be in a circumstance where they can defend themselves boxers don't wear them I carry flat shoes in my bag Now it's a really good idea and you know some people will hear what I just said and say it's extravagant, you should be able to wear whatever you want, okay I'm happy to take criticism but that's part of how prepared you are. to deal with, say, getting from point a to point b at night, using the bus, using the taxi, using the subway, reality.

Are there environments in which four-inch heels are of no use to you when there is a guy in a bar and they won't leave you alone? I feel like I can't really do anything without being accused of being rude and impolite and basically nice is a very overrated attribute in both men and women absolutely by the people it's directed at Kindness is a real problem because it says that You must smile, you must be polite, you must be open to my approaches. On the street, whether you want that approach or not, women in the culture are not allowed to say no.

I had Oprah on in the background. I remember her emphatically holding the book. You know I'm a woman in America and we all have I think our culture has taught me to some extent to be much more polite, to not be so assertive, to not be so aggressive and to not ask questions that are uncomfortable. I've heard parents say, well, I don't want my son to learn to be unladylike or rude or you know whatever and I don't usually say this but I have in my mind oh, so being beaten or raped or murdered for being a lady I really don't think so. the invitation to keep someone in your environment is At the beginning of almost all criminal victimization, you have to control above all who is in your environment and not feel obligated to get involved with every man who wants to get you involved and, I kid you not, it comes at a cost because someone or many people will tell you why you are. being so, yes, normally the way the word is used is that someone approaches a woman in public, hey, hey, I'll give you a hand with those who are not interested in the approach and is not particularly attractive and says No, what's your problem, lady.

You know, I was just trying to offer a little help to a pretty woman. Why are you so paranoid in my imagination? The woman says you are right. She shouldn't be careful. I'm exaggerating for nothing. I mean, just because a man does. an unsolicited and persistent approach in a society where crimes againstWomen have increased four times faster than the overall crime rate and three out of four women will experience a violent crime and only because I have personally heard horror stories from every friend I have ever met. have I ever had and only because I have to consider where I park, where I walk, who I drive with, what I wear and who I go out with in the context of whether someone is going to kill me, rape me or scare me to death and just because several times a week. someone makes an inappropriate comment or stares at me or harasses me or follows me or drives by my car past me and just because I have to deal with that manager in my apartment who gives me the creeps for reasons I haven't discovered but can know Because of the way he looks at me, he'll probably feature us both on the evening news and just because these are life and death topics that most men know nothing about, I feel like a fool for being cautious.

Although I live in the center of a whirlpool of possible dangers, it does not mean that a woman should be wary of a stranger who does not know the word no, our task is to memorize it and know it by heart by Monday, so that men can or cannot identify with this. As it is in this culture, since you would tell me that you live in a circumstance where you have to think about your safety much more often than men, you may encounter boyfriends, husbands, male friends who want to dismiss your concern. I had friends where the boyfriend's husband even makes fun of the fact that they are taking precautions or that they feel unsafe and my message is to tell Mr.

I know everything about dangers that he has nothing to contribute to the issue of his personal safety and tell him that your instinct of survival is a gift from nature that knows much more about your safety than he does and tell him that nature does not need his approval I want to include in being feminine being protective of oneself and loved ones, that is truly our human right the statement universal human rights article three every person has the right to life, liberty and security of the person maslow is located in the hierarchy of needs security along with food and shelter and we have not transferred that understanding to women it is absolutely the struggle of all women It's because it's not just about prevention in the moment, but it's a broader discussion about how we put women on pedestals, how we objectify, how we project things onto them, and the simple act of stopping pleasing others and putting in touch with your own power.

Being kind is not an absolute requirement and, above all, I tell you, after having studied so many thousands of cases, that kindness is not a vaccine against violence, always being kind to someone is. it doesn't increase the likelihood that you won't act in a violent or disruptive or controlling manner, or you have the characteristics associated with that type of attack or you planned it or you're a big victim and it's a big situation right now. moment but it's not because someone acted assertively if a man you don't know smiles at you and you haven't initiated any contact with him, does it ever feel good?

No, never and men just don't know it, they think it's a good thing. do from across the room, but the woman is practically obligated to smile back in this culture, but in fact, if she does, she is participating in a communication that is an invitation and an openness, so the automatic smile It is very destructive for women, the idea of ​​losing. Smiling is a very deep thing, it's kind of the journey most women have is figuring out how to lose their smile, only really use it when you mean it, when you really want it. In Western culture, women are trained to be like the stewardess. when I get off the flight, she has to smile, she has to smile at everyone, even the people who were profoundly rude to her during the flight.

I'm giving an example where it's part of the job, but I would affirm it for everyone. You say it's part of a woman's job all the time, be nice all the time, go ahead. I've been mugged three times and I'm five and two, so I'm always very aware that something is happening to me. In two of them I couldn't. I expected it, it took me by surprise, it could have happened to anyone, but there was one in particular that has always bothered me. I was walking my dog ​​near my neighborhood, of course, it's two o'clock, so it's afternoon and it's well lit and I'm maybe two or three.

A few blocks from my house I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around and I saw someone like six four like 270 pounds, he's big and I had a weird feeling, then the second thought was like, oh, he's African American, don't be that person, so I felt guilty about that thought, I turned around, smiled, waved and kept walking and then I thought in my head, oh, maybe I'm a high school football player and I'm telling the story you want to hear Yeah, I was trying to beat him and I didn't want to make this person feel bad and then I turned around and smiled again and as I was turning around he had gotten a lot closer and the next thing you know he pushed me to the ground and It knocked me down.

He didn't expect it. not at all my bag twisted in my arm and he tried to pull it and then he was going to kick me in the face I always thought in those moments that I wouldn't be able to scream but I managed and he left with my bag. and then I got in a car to get away and I realized it was all planned later when the police came and I was telling him what had happened, he said, you know, you should cross the street and I thought, well, you know, a block from my house, no, I didn't want to be rude, you know, I didn't want to make signs like I was afraid of you because I thought that might be rude.

I remember what really pissed me off was like he smiled at him twice and then he still assaulted me. You know, I thought maybe if I was nice to him he wouldn't do this to me. Well, I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'm glad it happened that way. It's more serious and I want to share with you, as is often the case when I hear someone's story of victimization, that many of the answers are contained in your story and you said several times "I didn't expect it, of course you did." okay, that's why you turned around and used a strategy that you thought would be a good strategy, you felt like he was too close, you reacted to the fact that he was so big and went over the entire dialogue in your head to dismiss him, but you got the sign, it's a different kind of thing than literally being attacked, like someone jumped on me from behind right now and I didn't know someone was there.

I want to talk about that for a second, there's basically two uh strategies. human predation one is a power predator and the other is the persuasion predator uh the power predator is kind of like a bear that just charges at you and knocks you down very, very rare, much rarer because that one requires a lot of skin on the I play on the predator's side and does not have the opportunity to evaluate the person he is attacking very well. The most common is the persuasion predator. The persuasion predator persuades you to participate. The circumstance you are talking about is a mixed model because he did not come out of nowhere by any measure, yes he used violence and you could say you didn't see the escalation, but I will tell you that you actually knew it was coming, you heard what first thing I heard, its four steps, yes.

Look, there is a nuclear defense system around each of us all the time and I can tell you right now that if I heard a sound behind me when I knew there was no one behind me, I would react and record it and want to find out what is passing by and I could be in this room right now, I could look at them all to see if they're looking at something behind me, it's not that I'm in danger but it's a surprise and I'm constantly recording like we all do, we're constantly recording what's going on. in our environment and walking too close to you is one of the best indicators prior to the incident, now I don't like to say that to someone who has been a victim.

Oh well, you should have done this or that because the reality is that you are here, you have survived, you are able to tell the story and it is not fair for anyone to say that it would have been different if that were the case. If you had crossed the street look at the police officer who gave you that advice he may have been right he may have been wrong I don't know what was on the other side of the street or what the circumstance was but the belief that simply crossing the street is somehow way the magic amulet the life saver that will always work if that were the case we wouldn't have victimization in

america

there wouldn't be muggings if it was just a matter of crossing the street and I always ask you know what? prevents your attacker from crossing the street with you you haven't gone through passport control to get there you are simply on the other side of the street and it can be better or worse, for all we know the other side of the street had many more advantages for your attackers and many disadvantages for you, we don't know that the other side of the street could have had a small alley that you could be dragged into and victimized much deeper and all we can really evaluate is what happened right now for the next time.

You could do it differently, right? I like, as a general concept, to turn around and give people a look that says nothing more than I know you're there, that's really the scope that you advocate in the book, when you feel like it. When they follow you, you must turn around and say: I see you, yes. I wonder if it's almost harder today because that eye contact is so rare and eye contact, as we know, is a sign of aggression or a sign of intimacy or what it can represent. many things, but we are really losing basic eye contact with each other, it's true, if someone is being followed or someone is too close to you, the right thing to do is to turn around and look directly at them and don't say anything else.

This communicates like an animal in nature does with a predator. I see that you are there and that is really very significant and important in terms of reducing victimization, but young people are not used to looking at anyone now, so it is more difficult I teach since I was little at least you know that adults always say do not be afraid, do not be afraid and you receive these messages so that you do not be afraid. In fact, I have a necklace that says fearless in Sanskrit as a reminder to be brave in everything. these types of situations, but I realize that it is very beneficial to pay attention to that fear, well, of course, you know that they are not in conflict, courage and fear are two completely different things, courage.

Something very valuable to remember about courage is that courage is always a choice that one makes, it is not a characteristic of a human being, there is no human being who is simply brave because that would be stupid, but courage is a choice for act in the face of fear, fear is not a choice at all and courage requires fear. As a component, it's not brave to do something if I'm not afraid of it, but there's no courage sitting here right now, but if we were on a 3000 foot cliff, then I'm afraid of falling and then it takes courage to stand up. the edge of the cliff fear is a component of courage at this moment that is not true in the other sense courage is not a component of fear fear is intended to be a brief signal in the presence of danger it is not something you want to push down and It's not something you want to be brave about, you want to record the signal, okay, what is it about?

Listen to her. I hope you can go through your entire life without feeling afraid. It can happen, but if you feel it, then the key is to sign up. that and the idea that you shouldn't be afraid, that's crazy, it's like me telling the mouse just don't be afraid, just forget about that cat. Fear is a characteristic of your being that is there for a reason now, you should live in fear every second of course. No, I think that would be very destructive, but listening to fear when it comes is very important. I want to come back to something with you in particular and that is to drag the belief that you caused your victimization by not crossing the street, extend your victimization and continue. feeling of uh, I made a mistake here the reality is that many types of victimization simply cannot be prevented the circumstance the situation at the time the person is the predator and many could be worse and many could be better, right, let's look at the reality six foot four five foot one oh my gosh yeah okay sorry people are so protective of that last hit okay five foot two six foot four an intention to be your predator working with someone else with the intention of doing so, having already selected it as your goal and I can tell. by the way, looking at you now that this has a certain resonance for you, that you have carried the idea that you should have done something different, sure, absolutely right, let me tell you something else, you are actually small, five foot two, as you corrected.

To me, if we were on the plains of Africa and we saw all the antelopes and some of them were big, muscular and ran fast and some of them were small at the back of the group, who would we say is most likely to fall victim to the small ones? those who are of course right the little ones who have fewer purely physical options in nature who is the head of the guerrilla hierarchy who is in charge he is the big one the biggest the biggest and the baddest and uh then it's yourself and I ask yougive it a break, you are walking in a world where that is a physical disadvantage, now you have a lot of emotional and mental advantages that you can bring, but that is only a reality if we were a group of animals in Africa talking.

This would be a no-brainer, so it's something you should accept and not try to convince yourself not to be cautious when you feel cautious or worried when you feel worried. You know men are bigger, they, um, can kill me. You know, I think I've developed a healthy fear, but that healthy fear makes you a little brave and willing to protect yourself. I know you don't like the idea of ​​being afraid all the time and I certainly don't encourage you to be afraid all the time. One of the things I hope happens here is that in the end you leave here with more confidence and more certainty that you will listen. and you'll record the signs when they come because listen, we want the signs, it's not an animal in the wild that would say hey, let's turn off that damn annoying fear that I have all the time when I'm around the lion, yeah, and I think that actually, suppress that fear makes me feel sicker about it, you know, because it's a lot more effort to repress it than it is to just address it and keep yourself safe or something, and you should feel sicker about it because what are you repressing an absolute gift of nature one of your components would be like squeezing your kidney this is as real as your kidney this is a component of yours that is there for a reason and you have the right to be safe and you have the right to use the resources that you have and the number one resource before your fingers in someone's eyes or kicking someone in the balls or screaming or any other resource that comes into play is your intuition, that's the number one resource, it's like you can get a signal, you can, you could get a signal before other people if you work on this and it just means working on listening to yourself, all these ways that you have the opportunity to say, let me evaluate my situation and change it, change the environment, um. yeah, go ahead, oh, I was just going to ask what happened.

You were walking your dog when that happened. Did the dog escape from his barking? No, the dog bar, she, I mean, she was like a three-pound dog. The dog was actually worth more than my purse. and look how quickly we checked in here and you said you know the dog is just a three pound little dog and then give yourself the same gift which is to accept it well so I'm not talking about you like there's some deformity here. Talking about you like it's you and it's good to know that it's no different than if you were, because I hope that one day you're 85, you'd check in and accept the fact that I'm not going to be as fast as I used to be, no I'm going to carry the same punch I used to carry.

If you look around the arena and you're going into combat and everyone else is 250 pounds and you're 80 pounds, you wouldn't ignore that fact, you sure would. I mean I got mugged three times in three different cities. I'm fine, I'm obviously the common denominator and I've met other people who actually know a cross-section of my friends. Not many have been robbed, that is, in total. In three cases I was pushed and there was one time I was at the ATM and from behind someone pushed me so hard that I knocked myself out and a taxi driver came and took me to the hospital and it's not that interesting from the point of view of how you feel. you try now has no charge, you are right because I feel that that could also happen, of course, to anyone, while to the other I punished myself because I ignored my intuition, so what can you change?

I'm talking now about what you can do in the future, not the lessons of what happened to you, that's already done, well, lessons of what we're talking about here. One of the things you can't change is your size, maybe you're more likely to. prize predator than someone else, the other thing is making direct contact with their eyes, the other thing is losing your smile in interactions with strangers, it's just not relevant, it's not a necessary component with strangers, it doesn't put anything into your head . I remember thinking that if I'm nice they'll leave me alone I hear you, but tomorrow you won't, no, not tomorrow, right, it's just a matter of reframing things, it's a change of perspective, um, that's what he managed to do with just a few revealing sentences. that made something very complicated in my head very, very simple and you know when it's simple in your head you can follow it a little better.

Do you think you will feel safer or more at risk after this?