Norm Macdonald ROASTING People

thanks for nothing google what I wanted to show you is how easy it is to watch yourself and other live streams on your tablet on the computer on the computer yeah go ahead and press play there okay right there it's so simple you see Your face, oh yeah, that's me with a huge fat face, yeah, I didn't want it, I didn't want to be the one to say it, yeah, I've been having a lot of problems, my doctor said he's not a very nice guy, he said, opens. your mouth and say grunt, yeah you need to get a better standard for sure, sure, he was calling me a fat pig, well I mean no one is going to disagree with him, oh cast, sorry I have an acid tongue, are you an acid? arabic language and there's charles woodson how about that and what a great season manny had he became the first defensive player to win the heisman trophy and congratulations charles that's something no one can take away from you unless you kill your wife and waiter, in which case yes, I love to lose, you know what's the latest, yes, I'm obsessed with the show, yes, yes, I'm still watching it, I see it, uh, I see it in the link, yes, you have it running on the computer where You could see them as an edit.

You could watch them one after the other so there is no suspense. You know, yeah, because you're not talking about that. You probably saw it a lot. Six Do you think I'm 80? No? I probably watched the show, though I watched it during, so it must be incredibly frustrating, no it wasn't, why would you say that? Well, because I couldn't wait 30 seconds to watch each DVD, sometimes it's better to space out. However, work things out and discuss it with your friends, talk a little about what happened and then you wait, you have to wait a week and you know it's delayed gratification.

Yeah, I guess so, yeah, that's the fun thing about a book club we joined. by the talented trio called the lonely island, yes he will be in the big time, what's his name? I call him Sandberg and the other pair of companions, the mine squad, is what Rolling Stone put it. I have a heavy foot, there is a real current. of conscience, something that happens here yes, it is called conversation, are you talking about Melrose? No, because when I lived in Los Angeles I lived on a real street called Melrose Place. There is a real street.

There's a Melrose. Is there really a mountain? It's really amazing, okay? You know right, yeah, it's true, so they opened a restaurant called Melrose Place and then it's right next to my house and every time I go out there's all these retarded like tourists and these retarded tourists like they were always fat and taking pictures standing in front of this restaurant yes you are making a movie with carrot right I made a movie with carrot okay you have made a movie with carrot it hasn't been released yet no can you put the photo carrot? again just so we can all see it oh there it is again yeah okay wait a minute she left Melrose Place to make a carrot movie that's where I'm going.

My friend, he was great, he did a wonderful job. a scene where you and you, you and him hug, yeah, a lot of kisses oh, for God's sake, nothing more than a good kiss, it's like nine and a half weeks, but the carrot taught me that we were doing wow, I have to see that movie, is it called nine and? half a second, but what will the movie be called? I know what it's going to be like, yeah, what's that? If it has a carrot, you know what a good name it would be for you. What is the

norm

?

Box office poison. She is in it. What's happening? my career Courtney Thorne Smith well, there's a two-hour season finale of Melrose Place, there's this movie coming out, yeah, title indeterminate at this point, chairman of the board, oh okay, do something with that, monster. I bet the meeting is spelled boring. That's the reason, I know you don't like to listen to these things, emotions, you're like mixing them up. I'm like Nixon, but I will say that I was watching last night, I saw speed skating and, oh my God, you know, could the outfits they wear? be stricter, holy lord, there was a woman from East Germany, I swear you could see the outline of her entire penis, it was this, this is viagra, it's crazy and you know it's for infinite

people

, it's okay for men impotent, so listen to this, I read this, the pill can make you feel hard for four hours right now, so now, who has before our tough, impotent guy?

The rest of us are me and you, me and you have a

norm

al helmsman, meanwhile, you know, of course, that's the big story here. washington is the recent marriage between nbc's andrea mitchell and alan greenspan, who is 71 years old and this is sweet, you know, i didn't know, they wrote their own vows, you know, she promised to love the honor and speak to his good ear, so That was, that's kind of sweet, you know, we'll see, it'll be fun, Norma, thanks for dressing up, Sarah, listen, man, uh, congratulations on making that prank for the hundredth time tonight, but I also want to tell you that I have a character that I like to represent. kemp i like kent oh yeah um he had something strange do you hear that quote? he said he said uh he's closer to minorities than the other candidates because he says he showered with a lot of black

people

did you hear what he says because he used to be in Buffalo Bill.

I thought he was a soccer player. It's true? He said yes, he said that the other day he said that he has a closer feeling towards minorities because he's been plagued by so many black people, but you know, I. I don't know if that's how you want to elect your president, full of a lot of black people, I don't know, I mean, you're electing Dole because he can give the impression that you know your reasons aren't much better if you were going to elect a guy just because he bathed a lot of black people. He would choose Andy or something.

People don't have to know. Oh, I have an announcement to read. I almost forget it. He was supposed to do it. I was told. to make this announcement table 10 wherever table 10 is. we're sorry her waitress hasn't been there for a while uh larry king just married her so does she have a hero? uh norman, a fellow from the company of three, what's your hero?, yes, Mr. Roper, yes, Mr. Rover, yes, that's not a good hero, that's all I've got, he's better than the hero of this guy as a gay porn actor anyway, what are you talking about?

Boomer, of course, replaced Frank Gifford on Monday night football next season and Frank Frank told reporters. that this will allow him to spend more time with his wife and kids, then he broke down and cried for 45 minutes, so what the hell am I and here I am? You know, I look, I see President Bill Clinton, you know, I see the Secretary of State. madeleine albright, you know the media mogul, rupert murdoch, you know the broadcasting legend, larry king, you know the pornographer larry flint, you know dick morris, the list is starting to dwindle a little bit, but you still understand that it's discouraging, well, there are all kinds of sports celebrities in the audience tonight I see Tiger Wood right there, Tiger Woods, how about that, uh, yeah, he's nominated, of course, he's nominated for golfer of the year, uh, this, uh, this, espys and you know how I feel about his parents, are the other two guys nominated for golfer? of the year you see these guys getting ready you know it's like hey honey have you seen my tuxedo?

No, no, he's not the good one, the one I use when I'm going to get my ass kicked. Have you seen that one? We have a lot. power here, a lot of juice, mr rue larlage is here of course, the president of abc news, you know, and a lot of crazy stories coming out of that division, you know, you know stories about this person sleeping with that person and everything what you know, scandal later. scandal if you heard the latest I heard this the other day there is a rumor that last week true I don't want to say it's true gentleman on abc news went to a party and got very drunk and ended up having sex with his own wife I don't know you