Carl's Story: Borderline Personality Disorder #AMIQuebec

Hello, my name is Karl, I am 25 years old and I suffer from BPD. I was diagnosed in August 2016 and then I went through dialectical behavioral therapy and it lasted about three months, where every week I had individual therapy and group therapy. According to my doctor, I was officially diagnosed when I was a teenager, but I showed symptoms when I was his son, so being 25 means a long time to suffer and live with BPD, so to begin with, start with the main ones, the main symptoms, the first. one would be emotional instability, so the best way I like to explain emotional instability is to imagine our basic emotions, there is happiness, anger and sadness.

I have never been happy. I have always been ecstatic. I have never been sad. I have always been depressed and. I've never been angry, I've always been furious, so imagine these intense emotions and imagine them happening in five minutes and also the fact that these emotions can be triggered by anything. Can. The wind blows in the wrong direction. I can drop my pencil. Can they have a mark on my lenses? I can be angry, furious, and just feel all of these emotions very intensely. One of the main things I have suffered from was anger. He was always angry.

I was angry with everyone. Anything for nothing. reason something that we borlaug bowlers have is this thing called

borderline

rage what is

borderline

rage do you know the expression the lights are on but no one is home? That's really what borderline rage really is is just a rage that just consumes me and me. I have no control or awareness of what is really happening, I would do things and say things out of pure rage and two seconds later I would be perfectly normal, as if nothing had happened, I would be smiling, I would be hugging you, it was just really difficult to control my emotions there is something that I really had control over my life and my body.

Another thing I struggled with was fear of abandonment and this is another major mistake for borderline mistakes so what fear of abandonment is is that whatever I do that happens to me. I or anyone else can perceive it as abandonment. You go to the bathroom. I feel abandoned. You can send messages. You can send messages while I'm with you. I feel abandoned. You don't look me in the eyes. I feel abandoned. It doesn't matter. The foundation or logic I put into it was always abandonment. and I always felt alone at this time like I didn't have anyone because I was afraid that people would just leave me.

I would do things to retain people. I would say things that I don't do anything to hold people back because at the end of the day who wants to be with our friends, I know I didn't, so another thing I struggled with was also a sense of identity. I had trouble fitting in and being someone I had issues with. making friends and I had trouble keeping friends it wasn't because I didn't know how to socialize I could socialize I can be very confident I had very high self-esteem the problem was that I couldn't identify with anything or anyone I was essentially a chameleon.

I would change my identity based on what people liked, what people hated, even music. I would change depending on what people liked or what people thought was cool, just to fit in. It got so bad that I had the fact that I didn't have one. perception of who I was that time I developed anorexia and bulimia so I could be thin and fit in with more people, but obviously that was counterproductive because that is not a healthy thing so these are those three things fear of abandonment emotional instability instability of my identity, those are the three main symptoms that I have suffered for a long time and it was very difficult to live like that, honestly, especially in a society that somehow ignores or ignores the whole topic of mental health and Especially being a man with a mental illness which revolves around being emotional.

They called me weak. They called me the girl. They called me names that I no longer want to say. They have treated me like some kind of subhuman. This type of subspecies is unsuitable for being with friends with people with anyone in August 2016 I decided to just end my life I decided to do it I started contemplating suicide I told myself that today is the day, you know, I gave up everything I lost my hope I practically had no friends I had no money my grades were really bad so I prepared everything and that night I decided to sleep but it wasn't a pure instinct that maybe I should sleep so I slept and when I woke up I realized I was tired .

I was tired of my mental illness controlling me. I was tired of being the crazy one in quotes, so I decided to go to a hospital to get a diagnosis and that's where he told me that I had borderline

personality

disorder

and that it was treatable upon hearing those words. it was treatable it made me it was such a confusing time because I was so happy relieved but I was angry at the same time I was happy because there is a name for something that was happening to me I was sad because I have something and I got angry because in my head everyone was right I am a problem I'm crazy so I decided to continue down this path they recommended a doctor at Allen Memorial and they told me to go see a specialist I saw him and he admitted me The dialectical behavioral therapy program that he had, so when I started I was very scared because I already had the idea that therapy was supposed to take you out of my company, out of your comfort zone, so I went in with that mentality in mind and I have to be honest, it was very difficult to be so calm even though it was bad, I had a system of life that I was very comfortable with, you know, being angry, being this being, being sad, just being mentally ill and this whole notion. that I can do other things that I can be something else that I can think about other things it was such a different thing to understand that it didn't make sense to me it didn't make sense that I didn't have to be angry at anything it didn't make sense that I didn't have to be sad about simple things to me was so normal you are so normal and I have to say it was worth it after the therapies after almost two decades of suffering.

I feel alive I feel like I'm finally living my life that I can do things that, quote, normal people can do. I'm finally feeling things I've never felt before. I feel like I can really feel happy and I can actually be sad without depression coming. In fact, I can be angry at things or people without having to throw things at them or curse at them or even fight with them. It is a very strange feeling to be born again, almost like that after therapy. I'm just very. I'm happy to have gone through this. I'm happy I made the effort to continue and not stop.

I am very happy to have had this kind of Epiphany to live my life thanks to therapy. My grades are better. I have more friends. I am very optimistic in life. I am more satisfied with life and managed to save some money. Yes, life has been very good. I would like to say that I am one hundred percent better. The reality is that I still am. struggling with some issues I still have things that I struggle with and that's okay because in the end I'm just a human being because therapy was not supposed to be the cure or the solution to my mental illness, it was just supposed to be a support, a kind of crutch that guides me towards well-being and every day I work hard at it and every day I get good results and every day I live my life, something that I would like to share with the caregivers is it will always be present, especially for us, the piercing aligners, We can get angry, Vicky, we can fight with you, we can yell at you, we might even fight with you, but nowadays we are only human and we are just lost people, we don't even understand. what's going on with us, so being present is the best thing you can do for us because at least then we know that there is someone there for us, that we are loved and cared for, so that's my

story

, I hope it gives you a better understanding of what we are.

People with borderline

personality

disorder

suffer from it practically every day. Thanks for listening to you.