Ali-G Interviews Posh Spice and David Beckham

(applause) Listen to me now You're probably thinking, why am I doing comic relief? Well, I only agreed to do it because I thought we were going to get a free trip to meet my brothers in Africa and while I was there, maybe get some homegrown stuff from Botswana. Now check it out: Africa isn't just the country that gave us Bob Marley that I've seen. True true. I've seen documentaries about it and there are some terrible images that have stuck in my mind. Especially from the women of the tribe with well-turned swingers. With your help, we can prevent these shocking things from happening.

Now please make it big for my guest tonight. Every boy wants to be in his boots, and every man wants to be in his Mrs. Big party for none other than Victoria and David Beckham! (People applauding) (Audience laughing) Now it's scary, are you comfortable? Beckham, what about you? Alright. Listen, just because this is comic relief doesn't mean you have to talk in a dumb voice, right? Now, where did you two meet? We met at football. Did Beckham like the Spice Girls before? Um, no, but I liked Posh. And you already saw a photo of her and knocked out one of her? (Audience laughing) That's a yes!

It is not like this? Come on, how about that photo with the black cat suit and the boots that reach very high? Apparently in that video, if you freeze it, you can see a little bit of camel toe, right? I can see. (laughs) Yeah, that's more like cameltoe, girl. Now it must be amazing to date a Spice Girl, but in an ideal world and no disrespect to your bitch, right? (Laughs) In an ideal world, wouldn't you rather be with Baby? (Audience laughs) So how many of the Spice Girls rejected you before you decided on Posh? You went for Scary first, what? : No, just this one.

Now, are you going to watch him play soccer? Yes, I do. Whenever I can, Brooklyn loves to go see him as much as we can. I heard there's an insulting song they sing about you. Since you heard it, what are the words? They say, 'Posh Spice (whispering: I'll put it up your ass).' I'll put it up your ass? That's what they say. (Audience laughs) But that's not an insult. That is the greatest compliment you can pay a woman. I respect! No, but seriously, are you going to see it through to the end? No, of course not.

Beckham, are you telling me you've never been caught offside? No. But I heard you were really good at going around the back and putting the balls in, right? They say it's the way you fold it, I have to say. Yes. Respect. I respect. A little different vibe than Parkinson's, what? Yes. Now Beckham you believe that the better footballer you are, the fitter the girl you date will be. Obviously. So you're the best at foot, you know? So you go Posh, so Sporty Spice is dating some of the United scum? (Laughs) That's horrible. : What do you mean.

That's my friend and she's lovely. : Exactly. Why are you trying to say that fucking scum is not in good taste? : Yeah! : That's... that's a horrible thing to say, baba. You have a little boy. Do you think you are good parents? Yes, I think we are good parents. : So when did you teach her how to roll her first joint? I will never teach him that. Why not? You should never deny your child an education. So what is his name? Brooklyn. Alright. And how did you come up with that name? Well, we found out that she was pregnant while we were, while she was on tour, in America and she was in Brooklyn when we found out.

So you had really done it there? No, we didn't do it there. Oh really. We did it in Denmark, if you really want to know. So why didn't you ever call it "Denmark"? However, it would be a good idea. Because if Julia and I had a kid, we'd name it Langley Village. Well, its full name would be 'the KFC toilets in London town'. So tell me, does Brooklyn like your music or is she getting a little too old for that? He likes music. He's really, you know, he dances and dances. He also likes football, so that's good: Respect.

A football always with him. So tell me, is your little one starting to put complete sentences together? He's saying little snippets, and yeah. And what about Brooklyn? That was Brooklyn. Okay, it wasn't. So do you want him to grow up to be a soccer player like his dad, or a singer like Mariah Carey? Um, I hope he grows up and becomes a soccer player like His dad and I would like to go out and be a singer like Mariah Carey: Respect. We have to take a break now because Posh is going to do some nursing backstage.

Just out of interest, are there any spares? Check it later. Welcome back. Brooklyn and I are well fed. I respect. Now Posh, I know a lot of people have asked you this, but are you really

posh

? I'm not really fancy, no, I just like it: really nice clothes and good restaurants, and that's how they called me fancy. David, they say that

posh

people talk as if they had a plum in their mouth. Does your lady sound posh when she put the plums in her mouth? I was going to say that you shouldn't actually talk when your mouth is full so you don't have that problem.

I respect. I respect. Posh, I heard that you recently had a head illness called 'mingungitis'. You are better now? I had, um, viral meningitis and I'm, heh heh... That's really bad. So, did Sporty get 'mingungitis'? Because she... Because she has it very bad. Do not laugh. That's serious, she... she had a serious case. No, none of the other girls have had meningitis. Just me. I respect. Now, Beckham, you've been very quiet there in the corner. Yeah. You've been... I mean, don't think... This isn't like a classroom where if you keep your head down I won't ask you questions, right?

Now, why do you think you're a pin-up to so many gaylords? I don't... I don't... I don't use the word 'nut men' now because it's not politically correct. You tell me, you tell me. I mean, just because you wear skirts, your girlfriend's pants, you're tanned, and you're a skin-head. You talk like a girl and you date Elton John. What's gay about that? Nothing. Nothing wrong with that. : Really, respect. Let's talk about fashion. Beckham, we've all seen photos of you wearing clothes that are very embarrassing and make you look like a laughing stock. Why are you wearing that England football shirt?

I'm very... I'm very proud to play for England. The results haven't been very good over the last year or two, but you know. A new manager will arrive, I think there will be changes and I think we will do very well. Be patriotic, for God's sake. I'm... Listen, if Jamaica plays, I'll always support them. So, following the fashion. What's the name of that dress you wore? The matching. I know it was very bad, but what was his name? I must say, and I hope to speak for the rest of the audience here and in the country, that I would love to see you two fucking each other.

How about, right now for some comic relief? I'm Posh, I don't do that kind of stuff. But it's for charity! I don't mind. There's probably someone out there dying and shit, come on. No, but... Come on, let's see your red nose. Well, can I fuck your lady? No. I respect both of you for coming. Please congratulations on England's leading pair! Posh and Beck! Boom. That's them.