Mr. Garvey Is Your Substitute Teacher - Key & Peele

- Very good, everyone listen. I'm

your

substitute

teacher

, Mr. Garvey. I taught school for 20 years in the inner city, so don't even think about messing with me. Do you feel me? - Mm-hmm. - Well. Let's take roll call here. Jay Quellin. Where's Jay Quellin? No Jay Quellin here? Yes. - You mean "Jacqueline"? - Well. This is how it will be. Everyone wants to play. Well then. I have my eyes on you, Jay Quellin. Balakay. Where is Balakay? Isn't there any Balakay here today? Yes sir. - My name is Blake. - Bl... Are you crazy? Blake! That? Do you want to go to war, Balakey? - No. - Because we could go to war. - No I'm serious.

I'm serious. So you better check it

your

self. Dee-nice. Is there a Dee-Nice? If one of you says some silly name... the whole class will feel my wrath. Now, Dee-Nice. - Do you mean "Denise"? - You say your name right, right now. -Denise? - You say it well. -Denise. - Correctly. -Denise. - Good. -Denise. - Good. -Dee-Nice? - That is better. Thank you. Now, A.A. Ron. Where are you? Where is A.A.? Ron right now? Not A. A. Ron, huh? Well, you better be sick, dead or dumb, A.A. Ron. - Here! Oh man. - Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it, huh? - Huh? - You know, I'm just asking you.

I said it like four times. So why didn't you say it the first time I said "A.A. Ron"? - Because it's pronounced "Aaron." - Motherfucker! You've made a mistake, A.A. Ron! Now get your ass into Oh-Shag-Henessy's office, right now, and tell him exactly what you did! - WHO? - Oh-Shag-Henessy! - Principal O'Shaughnessy? Get out of my fucking classroom before he breaks his foot in your ass! Insubordinate... and rude. Tym-Oh-You. - Present. - Thank you. - Very well, here we are going to have a roll. Jay-Kwelin. - Here. - You're present? Ba-Lakay. - Hey, here. -UH Huh. - Well, well. - Here. - Je-Seeka.

Thank you. - Mr. Garvey? - What's wrong, A-Aron? - Some of us need to leave a few minutes early today. - Oh. - Oh, is that so? - Mm-hmm. - And what, please tell me... is the reason for this premature exodus? - Yearbook photos. Um, we have to leave 15 minutes early to meet our clubs. - Okay, you know what? That might work with other

substitute

teacher

s, but I taught inner city for over 20 years. Now, you want to leave my class early so we can meet at the club. None of you are old enough to go to the damn club!

Ridiculous. - Mr. Garvey? - Damn son of a bitch! Did I stutter? - At that time, yes. - I'm going to throw you out the damn window! What, Jay-Kwelin? - Mr. Garvey, we're... we're telling the truth. We... We have clubs at school. We have clubs for special interests. - Okay, I see. So you all want to play. Everyone wants to play. Yeah, okay, let's play little games. Good. I will play. I'm more than happy to play some games with you all. Anyone in a club, get off your butt. UH Huh. Oh yes, there it is, there it is.

The usual suspects. What the hell are you on, Jay-Kwelin? - Future leaders of America. - Well well. How would you know if you are going to be a leader in the future? Is there a Stargate in your bedroom? Can you travel in time, Jay-Kwelin? - No. - Then sit down! Ba-Lakay, I... Here's the thing. I don't even know why I'm about to ask you this. Ba-Lakay, what club are you in? - I am part of the Spanish club. - Span... The Sp... You're as Spanish as Ree-On Seacrest, with your big Fraggle Rock hair! What about you, De-Nice? - I'm in the chess club. - Uh, sorry honey, you're not in the chest club.

The mosquito bite club, perhaps. - Ah, that's painful. -Truthful. There is. - A-Aron... - Hey. - What club are you in? - I'm the president of the Glee club. Why did I speak? - The chorus? Ah! As if they had a club dedicated to a television show! Get your ass to O-Shag-Hennessey's office right now, before he beats your ass with a club! - Well. - Go! - Okay, Im going. - Mischievous and deceitful! Chicanero and deplorable. - This is Director O'Shaughnessy. Students, report to the gym to take club photos. - False advertisement. Now, does anyone here have a valid reason for leaving this classroom?

T-Mothy. - I have to go pick up my daughter. - You are excused.