Dry Bar Double Feature. Bengt Washburn

comes with socks and sandals, maybe a hernia belt, she thinks I'm old, I found out I think I'm old because I was excited, I'm going to go to the beach and look for a watch, the only family member more excited than mating with the dog, when I took that detector out into the yard and started digging random holes, the dog went crazy, you should try it, they will run in circles and then come together and look at you, finally someone who understands me, you get a little older, a bit. Things are changing now, like I've decided to start dying my hair.

I have to start dying my hair. because my head has decided to stop dyeing the hair on the sides and back of my head, but it will continue to grow. Brown bangs will just shoot off a nice, youthful brown glow, you know, for face to face conversations, look at maybe 42 going 80 years away. Dude, this is where my teeth go now. I have these spaces on the back of my teeth. Now I don't know if you have those. There are spaces back here. Now on to the back. You could floss with a sock. I don't know how they found the room.

Yes I know how they found the room. They're all crowded in the front I can't even floss in the front It's like they're heading towards the exit Abandoned ship It smells funny The end is near The ship is sinking In my eyes When the eyes are They're going to get worse they had to up the ante on my glasses this year they got thick can you see it in the back? you can see it? you can see it? Yeah, I can't see them from here. I can't see my glasses now unless I'm wearing my glasses, which is a convenient way to ruin the day.

You know, you just left it. There goes the morning. What did you do this morning? Ben. I spent three hours walking around the house, gently touching everything in the house, feeling all the furniture for about three hours. It's my fault it's my fault this is what they told me I need progressives but I didn't want progressives because progressives make you look old I'm sorry they do it as opposed to this maneuver that doesn't look old at all I can Now I adjust my eyesight with my mouth too, It's television, it's fun. I need the glasses to watch TV, but I can't see the remote control through the glasses, so now we watch with the remote control and then I just press the button and then I turn on the TV signal which I love on the remote control, This is what I love about the remote control.

They make the volume button and channel buttons identical because they are horrible people. Well, this is the same program as the other channel, just louder. paying for louder channels seems like a scam i'm a grandpa that's when i felt old when he became a grandpa that was a line 48 i became a grandpa and overnight you know you go to bed just a guy you wake up in grandpa and I go into the shower I go to the mirror I see myself in my underwear and I realize that now I'm wearing grandpa's underwear I went to bed in my underwear and I woke up in grandpa's underwear we could have a whole drawer full of panties grandma Now overnight I took off my underwear and thought now I'm a naked grandpa and I'm sure I'm soaping a naked grandpa in the shower, scaring myself.

I could never be a naked man again. That will never happen, you understand? that from now on I'll be a naked grandpa, which is good because he wasn't a very impressive naked man, uh, he wasn't. I'll be honest if I ran through the shoe store here naked right now and you said naked man, everyone would look and say I've seen better, but if I ran through here naked and someone said naked grandpa, everyone would look and be okay, pretty good grandpa, I'm one of the top 20 naked grandpas, it's kind of cute, I've never looked worse and I've never felt better about it, that's love, that's a nice thing as you get older, the change in nudity goals, it's wonderful , I really like those young people, you're worried about wanting your body to be beautiful my age I just don't want to make anyone sick it's nice yeah, there are also big questions when you get hit with all these big questions, you know, how long are you going to last?, Your eyes are that bad, how can you be sure you know. ten thousand years ago with this view I would be dead you would be dead too ten thousand years ago you would be dead those are thick you would be dead very quickly right, we would be dead we would be out in the woods chasing fuzzy furry things moving things with our spear backwards we don't know no we know how to sneak up on a bison oh, it's a bear now we're dead because hitting the grizzly with the blunt end of our spear is fatal The mistake would be like a manhunting story told by bears.

Only once did one sneak up on me and poke me with a stick and then run into a tree I'm not. Ask Bear that she was there. You remember Bear. You asked part. To God, seriously, I leave you, no, nature does not tolerate bad eyeballs, right? It does not tolerate it. There are no cross-eyed cheetahs in the Serengeti chasing two perfectly synchronized gazelles, like, wow, these guys must rehearse forever. They are good there are no bald eagles with lazy eyes the zoo there is there are a lot of zoos but in nature if you are like a farsighted woodpecker let me explain to you that the farsighted woodpecker is in trouble that means you can't see up close that's not good for the woodpecker he doesn't like to back away and squint he can't adjust his vision with his beak like he can't ask a friend are these worms in the trunk well he's dead because he has bad eyesight is the bad eyesight is not compatible with hunting and gathering that's what we had to do we were all hunters and gatherers oh it used to be if you wanted meat you had to chase it with a rock or a stick you had to run for the meat now you can just put it down it's right in the refrigerator this is meat speed.

I'm working at meat speed right now just stop by the fridge and get an easy sandwich sometimes, although even that's too much work, right? I've had a long day doing this and you're exhausted and my joints are defecated. You go to the refrigerator. You're going to scare a sandwich. You do your inventory well before preparing the sandwich. Okay, we have the lettuce, the tomatoes, no more crafts. singles, damn, now I have to cut the tomatoes and cheese, I can't, I can't cut the cheese manually, I don't have the tools or the skill, the knife will deflect in the cheddar and I will have a cheddar door. stop messing up the flavor proportions between cheese and sandwich oh i gotta undo the twisted tie on the bread which is exactly who made this it's like you're looking for a merit badge in this there's no wrong way it's the wrong way it was right the first time Have you ever given up a sandwich?

Have you ever done that? You give up. It's too difficult. You have to combine the ingredients in order. Then there's the twisted Thai ammonia man. You should go hungry. I think if you are too lazy for the same, but don't do it, you can call on the phone now and order the food on the phone. Aren't we failing at a very primitive level when we order food? We cannot feed ourselves. Hello domino, I'm tired and I can't. to feed myself yes again and half an hour later I'm sitting on the couch watching a show I hate because I lost the remote there's a knock on the door and it's open you know I'm not going to get up to get the food the food is literally chasing me from time to time and now it's going to get into my k for our ancestors, it's like a mastodon just walked into the cave and had a heart attack over the fire, cooking after going through a puddle of sauce and over the seasonings and on sharp rocks cutting into triangles that are easily consumed in less than 30 minutes or the next one is free if the food doesn't fly into my upper hole 30 minutes after the phone call someone failed and it's not me physically lazy, I'm physically lazy, well , many of us are that lazy I am I will wake up the first thing I want to do when I wake up now after all these easy things in life the first thing I want to do any idea go back to bed just regain consciousness and I just want more unconsciousness, I want I mean, shouldn't I be a little grateful for regaining consciousness, that's an important event?

The most important thing about every day is waking up, shouldn't I be a little grateful like, wow, how long I was out nine hours, holy cow, he almost died that was a closey instead I open my eyes oh no this shit again man conscience sucks a little lazy that's when I discovered I was very lazy my wife and I moved to Germany and I became the stay at home dad in Germany and that was the hardest job ever for the two kids housework this is what I learned about housework the other person only notices what you don't do you can spend hours cleaning that house or like 20 minutes right before she gets home the first words out of her mouth why is that frying pan on the stove because I'm going to hit you with it what stove recipe for gratitude I'll bring it to you you have to clean we didn't do the housework anyway I can't even help I'm bad at housework I can't even find things she sends me to the basement and if I say I couldn't, I can't, I can't find it, it gets a little bad, did you look? no I didn't I just sniffed that's a good idea yeah I just went down there actually I did I closed my eyes so I could hear better and then I sniffed a lot next time I look I'll use my eyeballs. housework was hard man we didn't do it the same even when I helped it didn't help like my wife said hey did you see ian's gloves where are the gloves they're under the bathroom sink she appreciates that No, is she angry? she's mad because instead of putting them away, I memorized where they were, that's how I do housework, I find things in the wrong place and I'm like, wow, you're lost, stay here, I'll go get help, so boy rules Scouts apply themselves to household chores, you do it.

Like her, I find that you have fights when you start raising children. They are difficult. They are difficult. This is a difficult task. It makes you ask yourself the big questions in life. That's what I discovered. Because I am here? That's a great question. Because I'm? I'm usually here when I ask that question it's right after I walk into the supermarket, why am I here and then I'm like, oh yeah, that's true, because my wife sent me here to buy something and I can't remember what it is and I'm not going. to call her and ask her why I'm not going to make that call again, just load the gun that shoots you.

I said, Hey, remember earlier when you sent me to the store? You do well. I don't. She was nodding and giving you a good look, I guess she was pretending to listen, can you answer me? Did I drive or did you leave me? Okay, then I'll continue looking for my keys. I can't do that, so now I have to wander around the store. I'm hoping something will jog my terrible memory so I can remember what I agreed to buy while I was pretending to listen to her and it doesn't work, so I'll start guessing that I'll buy 400 worth of guest groceries in a bunch and it never works.

Every time you come home you bought the Spanish olives and then this is what I'll do oh I forgot, which is a lie, you can't forget something you never heard, I don't even know what I need when I send myself to the store I don't know, I think the runner just clears my head. I'll go into the store. I will walk next to the carts because I don't need a cart. I'm just buying some items five minutes later. I'm standing in front of donuts loaded up to my chin like a looter I need a cart I'm basically trying to vote something off the island so the donuts can come home and there's a time limit because in a matter of minutes this gallon of milk is gone to tear off your fingers and then people come by and tell you about the existence of the carts, do you know that there are cards? and, oh yeah, I know what it is, I don't know what a card is, wow, a basket on wheels, where did you get that from? who's a genius I'd listen to you right now but then I'd drop my bacon this is my favorite shopping activity I'll go to the store I'll pay for my groceries I'll walk out without them after an hour of shopping sort of Forget what I've been doing, I see to the cashier.

It sounds like you could use a couple hundred dollars. There you go, but it's fun, it's fun for everyone because I'll almost make it to the door and then the bad guy makes it fun. I'll hold up my purchases and say, Hey, you forgot about these, maybe you want these and then everyone laughs at them, oh silly man, and then I get embarrassed so I'm like, wow, what a weird day! It's not normal, that's another business and it's fun. This was the most fun I had with this I forgot about shopping like usual. I'm ashamed. I do my shopping.

I'm almost to the door and then the bad guy has a completely different tone of voice, uh sir, and his wallet and his keys, a completely different tone, he already knows what it was. From this is funny to this is a serious situation, it's like a silver alert, that's what they call it and he didn't wave at it either, he was very careful, he passed them slowly and without sudden movements, as if he were feeding a carrot to aThere is an air horn somewhere and you are the only one who can hear it? see how it looks, but a little bit clear, I'll make the show go well, uh, I mean, for someone who's not famous, it's pretty good, I didn't swear once, I'm pretty proud, my career is going well now, in It really is, I mean.

I'm not famous, but when I started it was horrible. To be honest, when I started the company, I was a 30-year-old man living in a tent, divorced, and living in a tent at 30. That's when I started getting divorced and living in a tent. I could have slept on couches, but I wanted the tent so I would have more privacy to cry. It turns out that it's very difficult to cry in a tent in the woods. The first time I did it I started crying and then I heard something outside yeah I couldn't get it out of my head if you're crying in the woods there's a bear or a mountain lion thinking hey it's a wounded animal I was in that tent and it was difficult, you don't want it.

To say that it is more difficult for children, that is, those who divorce is horrible because they live in two different worlds now that is very difficult with different rules those irreconcilable differences two different places affect how my daughter is with her mother who is very clean and neat bedtime at eight do your homework bedtime at eight and very nice not like me nice you know like oh don't say stupid darling stupid is a bad word that robs people of their dignity so she comes to me home you know bedtime at eight that's stupid and sometimes she would correct us with rules from her mom's house like, oh grandma, you said stupid, my mom says the word stupid is bad, my mom says the word stupid It robs people of their dignity and then my mom has to stand her ground, you know, oh honey, stupid people don't have any. dignity that they lose when they do something stupid just ask your dad, well he knows that living in a tent the tent can't even stand up or it's torn apart in its shelter, it's not really a shelter, it's a tent campaign, it's not a shelter when you can get it. killed in your sleep by a grass dart, but had a direct mom, she was great, very direct.

I didn't tell people that I was going through this bad thing for a long time and then I finally started telling people about the embarrassing divorce situation and when you tell a lot of your friends and family that you are divorced, you soon find out which of your friends and family should probably get divorced too depending on your answer. I told one of my brothers. I am divorced and live in a tent. He said: I envy your freedom. That's a bad sign. for a marriage if you are jealous of the freedom of a homeless man, that you should never do if you see someone sleeping on a bench in a park at noon and you think my wife would never let me look at that lucky noon sleeping peacefully undisturbed. bank to himself look that i didn't know you can turn it around that's the beauty of life you can turn life around you can turn it around you make some good decisions in a row you just stick together and this is something amazing and true this is Totally right, I met my wife of 18 years while living in that tent, it's not that surprising, that's how, but that's how the blind date is crazy, huh, thank god for horrible friends, they lined her up with a homeless guy, not even me.

I don't know what they told him, well, he loves being outdoors, he's good with knots, he smells like DEET, but you won't have to worry about gnats or mosquitoes on your date, we go out all summer, well, I lived in that tent all summer and then. I know for me things got very serious in the autumn as it got colder and then buried happily spread out, so it's going well, it's been going well, in fact that's how well it's going. I bought new clothes for this show. Totally new clothes. I know the pants don't look new, but they are, that's how expensive they are.

Look at all the fading that is pre-faded. Yes, you pay more for that. I remember this. How old am I? I remember when pre-washed jeans were in fashion. So they came out with pre-worn pants and then somewhere like the '80s, they came up with pre-destroyed mangled and mutilated pants and my first thought was how to get the blood stains out. It looks like you just pulled them out of the basket in the emergency. room wow this guy got stabbed in the groin that's cool that's crazy and then the kids love them and it's awkward as a parent to buy a teenager a pair of those pants because as a parent you want your teenager to feel grateful , guilty for everything. you buy from them and it's hard to do it with these pens, it doesn't work well verbally, you're lucky kid, I hope you understand why when I was your age we had to wear our own clothes, if I wanted pants like that, I have to, I don't know, be attacked by a badger from the waist down, roll in bleach.

No, our clothes were new. We looked ridiculous. I couldn't afford to pay someone to ruin our pants like that. It's amazing that people get paid. do that somewhere over the ocean there are kids who like to ruin these fatties or maybe not maybe they just wear out the pants and send them here maybe teenagers wear second hand clothes from the third world it's possible but actually that's not what's happening, they're in a factory just a little boy in a factory like 14 years old wearing perfectly new pants because that's all he can afford, it's like attacking him with a fork, a saw and a gun of sand and then the Americans are crazy, this is strange and now I can't.

I can afford those really ripped shit pants. I can't use them at my age. You can't get away with ironic poverty, so I won't look trendy or homeless again. I can't get away with so much irony and sarcasm. I think there's an age difference at my age it's hard it's hard to get away with sarcasm because young people just think you're being mean at my age so I was joking I don't think you were it was irony I was being ironic really at your age , besides what is and is not bad, it has simply changed the boundaries of what is right and I lose count, I am always inappropriate about it, how did this happen, I was joking, I was buying TVs, I was going to buy a new one, no.

I'm going to buy several, buy a television, things are not going so well and all the televisions in front of me and I'm trying to choose them and I'm clear, you know, between a Sony which is like a Japanese television brand. a sony, a samsung and an lg. I'm looking at seven or eight screens for about 40 minutes and I can't decide which one to choose and I finally turn to the employee and say, you know how much I hate to admit this. but to me i think all asian tv's look alike that's a joke come on because that's what he did he brushed it off like he's joking and i can't tell the difference between asian tv's they all look the same . tell me, of course he can, he's Korean, you could say yes, he's Korean or Japanese, I can't say, but the point is that he's racist, I don't think he is, I'm just stupid, I've never been inexperienced , I've never done.

I had the opportunity to see those two different nationalities side by side. You know, I didn't have it in college. I never took a math class. Never that was a little racist but also accurate. I never took math. I guess some people would say. I'm racist I don't think I know this I'm definitely less racist than my great-grandparents This changes over time Did you know this racism didn't even exist? That term wasn't even coined until 1902. 1902. They came up with it. that word that seems a little late to be doing something so big and not even have a word for it for hundreds of years and it makes me wonder what horrible thing we're doing now that we don't even have a word for it and then your children.

They will come up with that word young people and they will throw it in your face like grandpa you were a scammer we were all scammers everyone doodled it was a different world yes we accumulated debt we lived beyond our means, we scammed yes Do you know why we accumulated all that debt ? Because it is expensive to ruin the Earth. It costs money. Manufacture all nuclear and chemical weapons. Large quantities of them cost money. They have to pay someone to protect all that plastic in the ocean. No, free, we had to buy it, throw it away and buy some more.

Know? If we had to spend that money right now, it would only make two more degrees instead of six. Do you know that it takes money to turn up the heat? We hadn't done that, but right now you'd be wearing a sweater, you're welcome, and those ripped pants would be a little cold, right? You're welcome, so I don't know, it's a touchy subject. Global warming. very political climate is now the most political hot topic it used to be literally small talk now a fight will start and I bring it up and everyone is wondering if you believe in global warming and I will answer your question by asking you a question: do you believe in global warming because, Honestly, whatever you believe, that's what I'll believe if I hang out with you long enough.

This is how we work on this problem. I think the problem is that it's too easy to believe things. Humans are really susceptible to believing things. Do you know that humans will believe almost anything if we hear it three times? If you hear something three times, you will believe it. Do you believe me or do I need to tell you one more time? Is that how it works. you'll hear something crazy the first time maybe you won't believe it maybe you heard this maybe this spread across provo you thought you heard this you know the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep every year you heard your brain said no It's not true, but A couple of days later you heard from someone else.

Did you know that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep every year and your brain says you know? I think I've heard that before. A couple of days later you're with someone said: you know, the average person swallows eight spiders, yeah, in their sleep every year, I know I'm not an idiot, it's okay, I hear things, I remember them and I believe them. I'm like you, I'm self-taught, okay? just average age that's average well that's average depends on where you live depending on how many I've noticed this once you think it's some kind of nonsense you hear you'll add your own flavors and spices it's average if you live like that in the north It's too cold, there are not as many spiders to swallow and there are more beards per capita, so the spiders can't walk over the beards while you sleep, that reduces the average lifespan at the equator, it's too big, the spiders are too big to Swallow, no one swallows a tarantula in their sleep, that makes the average go down, what makes the average go up is the temperate climate like in North America where there are billions of bite sized spiders living there in the spider belt or in the arachnid alley, depending on the term you give it.

Listen to this word three times it's just touchy, we can all end up with this dumb opinion, you ever had one, sure, if you haven't you definitely have one, so it works, and man, it's easy to form a dumb opinion and stick with it. Smart opinions are hard right, you have to learn things and think critically and there is logic and stupid opinions are much easier to form. It is also easier to defend them. Like an intelligent opinion. You have to see evidence. There are no stupid opinions. This is how you defend a stupid opinion. are you ready for this you say you defend you say do it right that's not that's what I heard you can just cite hearing it as evidence that it's true if it's a dumb enough opinion well, I've heard it like three times, okay, everyone saying it, any idiot knows this, yes, we consult the idiots, we think, well, let's see what the idiots say, it's very easy to defend, everyone is very easy to attack, this is how you attack a stupid opinion, right, they say, do it right , that's not what I heard you would just cite not hearing it as evidence that it's not true.

You expect me to believe there is something true. I haven't heard it at least three times. This is the first time I've heard this and none of the idiots look at me. I'm an idiot and then you get defensive, we do, people get defensive, eh, they're like, are you going to call me a liar? No, maybe I'm just saying, maybe you heard something that's not true like three times and then believe it, I won't call you. I'm not calling you a liar I'm calling you stupid you say I'm stupid you're saying I'm stupid well that's what I heard several times it's your wife all you idiots you heard it three times believe it here it is What's here?

What is strange? Confirmation bias you've heard about. I've had it several times. Confirmation bias is the part of us that if we hear something that matches what we already believe, we will believe it the first time we hear it, so now you are believing things the first time you hear them if it matches the things you heard three times. times see what I mean this is how it works do you know the average person swallows about 18 bugs in their sleep every time I think so? We're already swallowing like eight spiders, that's probably why they get in there, they'rechasing bugs, what's going on, it's surprising that anyone is starving, frankly that's just how it is, I think with global warming it's one of those things, there's definitely a generational difference with the world. warming, that's like my daughter, a completely different feeling about there being a warm winter day here a while ago, it's like last year, she was seven and she came home from school scared talking about global warming , I was scared because I was scared of a warm winter day.

When we were kids we enjoyed a warm winter day, it was fun because we didn't see it as a symptom of impending doom, so we enjoyed it in the same way you would enjoy sudden weight loss until you find out it's an intestinal parasite. it's much worse, I don't know if you know that if you're not old enough to remember, the environment was actually much worse for a while, we made progress, we should be happy about that, much of the air, much worse, much, much worse, It was so bad, the environment was so bad that we noticed it, we, the scientists didn't have to tell us that there was a problem, you know, with global warming, would you notice it on your own, really, if you lived next to a glacier?

Would you notice? you would look out the window and say wow, now we have a yard full of rocks, when did that happen? But, like global warming, the ocean used to rise like a little less than two millimeters, now it's rising almost four millimeters a day. year, but you would really notice for yourself that change in depth when you went to the beach, would you go? Hey, the ocean seems a little deeper to you this year, this seems a little deeper if you notice yes, and it's a little more acidic. You try it, see, zinnia, don't you?

It is more acidic. I think you're right. I think this beach could use a couple of tablespoons of baking powder, whereas it was so bad that it was so disgusting that we didn't need a scientist to tell us. 70's there was a problem when in 1973 the Cuishoga River in Ohio burst into flames see what I mean, any idiot knows there is a problem when there is a flammable river, you don't need to be a scientist, you don't even need a ged for that He's probably a high school dropout smoking by the river because it was good for you and he liked throwing his cigarette butt in the river and I was like, "Oh, that's not supposed to do that." I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure that's supposed to distinguish my cigarette.

This is spreading like a gun. Well, yes, call the fire department, but tell them to check the water. That's all. We could have had a couple of idiots displaced here in this burning river. And I kind of feel bad for scientists because they have to try to communicate this stuff to a guy like me for years, I thought. Well, why can't you explain it to me? A lot of people will explain it to me and say, Ben, we can't, you're too stupid. What do you mean I remember it too? Before, you didn't take math. the problem is that you don't understand it and then they have to try to not just point out something that you won't notice and that worries you, and they're not always the best at marketing a bad word about global warming, if you will. mobilize people don't put heat in the title oh no worm will also be warm very hot is at worst inconvenient at worst like damn my kitkat completely melted wrapper all contest instructions covered with chocolate i have to lick this rapper to see if i'm a winner the worm isn't scary now in the 70's bad problem marketing genius whoever had this great idea to mobilize people what's scarier , global warming, acid rain that will catch your attention, acid will be raining from the sky, you name it. information and details well, what kind of acid, holy cow, what kind of acid, like sulfuric battery acid, what do I do, put my car in the garage, that kind of acid, or is my dippy hippie neighbor going to run out with mouth open, is this a party? or a problem that will get your attention anyone's attention acid rain that's that's crazy that's even Old Testament crazy even the Old Testament god would like to reassure you you know what Moses, let's stop the acid rain maybe just don't, yeah, on second thought Let's stop the acid rain, let's see how they respond after we kill all their firstborns, you guys have been great, good night.