Solution Focused Brief Couples Therapy Tips

I'm so excited to have Eliot Connie with me today. Eliot is a

solution

-

focused

therapist and expert. He is an author, speaker, and most recently, developer of a Solutions Focused University. An online program to learn and master

solution

-

focused

brief

therapy

. Welcome Elliot, thank you and today, Elliot. I'm going to share with us just a few

tips

on how to implement solution focused

therapy

with

couples

, so I have a few questions for you Elliot first, what makes solution focused

brief

therapy stand out for other's

couples

work? programs? Two of the most notable programs are Gottman. certification as well as emotionally focused therapy.

I believe that this brief therapy with couples stands out in the world of couples therapy is the same thing that makes it stand out in the field of psychotherapy itself and that is that this approach is the only one that is really Not interested in the content of the problem in any way, I mean, we are only interested in the direction the couple would like to go, so from the immediate impact from the initial meeting with the couple, the first thing that interests me. it's where you want your relationship to go and what resources you have within you to realize that potential and what the details are related to that potential future and that's really the basis of the work and you know this was last weekend.

I was on faculty with John Gottman actually at a conference and I mean, their approach is very different, I mean, equally valid and I'm not here to patch anyone's work, but it's very, very different and they're very interested. in the problem and are very interested in problem patterns and things of that nature as a solution-focused practitioner. I'm interested in something else and how would you say customers respond favorably to that different interest? I mean, I mean most customers. I understand that most of the couples I receive have seen other therapists before and have seen that they have been in other clinical settings and the constant feedback I hear is and I hear that it is from Kimberly.

I hear exactly these people say that I'm I'm so happy to talk to a therapist that I don't have to talk to about the problem and why that's such an interesting way to put it. I am not averse to talking about the problem and people should never misunderstand the solution-focused approach. phobia about the problem, but what I am not doing is extracting the client's problem as if it were something they had to tell me and when people come to couples therapy there are usually two people who are not happy to be there, as for example I saw one couple last night where the wife is very angry at the husband because he had an affair and she is angry at him because now I have to come to couples therapy.

I'm in this whole scenario and she's ashamed of herself too. She should have seen it. coming I should have known I feel cheated Deut wrong blah blah blah and the husband is so ashamed because he has hurt his wife in this deep and real way so imagine if you walked into that room and said "okay" tell me about your shame . about your home to me is a difficult thing, but when you start by saying when are your best hopes for this conversation, what is the outcome you want for your relationship, what is your preferred future for your relationship, despite this pain, what are the kinds of things that you would like to start happening, the problem arises, but the client has more control over it and it arises in the context of a solution rather than just developing some kind of narrative of the problem and I think I think.

That's why couples with so much consensus tell me that they liked these conversations because they felt more control over them, particularly if it involves more control of the content of the problem. That's amazing so I think you answered several questions I had about my life but that's fantastic so everyone move on to the last one and those are three key things that therapists can implement in their sessions right now if they're not, even if they are new to solution focus therapy, but maybe not new to couples work. something you can do today with this approach that will help you in the next session.

Yes, number one, I would say the number one thing we ask people is that we, as a field of psychotherapists, bond when couples or clients come into their office we ask them what brings you here and the first thing What I would say is to replace that question: What are your best hopes for being here? It's something like let me propose an analogy if you go to a restaurant and your waiter tells you. For you, what brings you here would not be experienced as a useful question, the server simply assumes that what brought you here was hunger, so he or she immediately asks you an important question, he or she immediately asks you an important question, which is what do you want and then you say you know a hamburger, spaghetti or no soup, whatever, you say whatever, so I would say the first thing is to immediately ask customers what they want and our way To do so is to ask what your best hopes are for being here. so that would be something that I think people could do right away in their sessions to start developing their solution-focused skills.

The second thing I would say is once you answer that question, move on to whether that REO, whether that wish became your reality, what? Would you notice and start getting details details details details and I will warn you that you will get stuck but when you get stuck just ask another question that is linked to the desired outcome and the third thing you can start doing right away. it's practice I think I think I'm not sorry to be very honest with you we're trying to think of how to say this um I don't think we're doing a terribly good job of teaching psychotherapy your psychotherapy is a linguistic skill and we kind of teach it like it's a skill. technique, so, for example, I can tell you, hey Ellen, come to my training and I will teach you the miracle question technique, this is how we teach in graduate school, let me teach you the techniques associated with the different schools of psychotherapeutic thought and We have to teach this as if it were a trade, a skill, if I'm going to become a master carpenter, I actually have to go carving wood for years. become a master carpenter and so the third thing that I can say that people could start implementing tomorrow is practice, because to become linguistically strong as a psychotherapist, especially in doing something, brick therapy, solution approach, Your language skills must be sharp and the only way to improve your language skills is to speak the language and practice, and I don't mean practicing with clients, I actually mean doing exercises with colleagues, I mean attending trainings where the exercises they are common and I also mean watching video examples of actual sessions done by you know doctors who are experts in the field and you can find them, I mean Google, and you can find people, not just me, but you can find people who have videos available and, where possible, transcribed because you have to learn the language, so those are the three things focus on the desired outcome.

The second would be to ask questions about the client for the future and number three would be practice, practice, practice. Thank you very much, Eliot. I love this last point, we'll get to all of them, but this last point in particular because For years as a supervisor I've been saying no, we are question creators and I, and these days I'm hearing that more and more from founders of the field who are therapists. well-known people who talk about psychotherapy as a profession and like you. We're saying linguistics, but also questioning in a way that takes our clients back to having chosen those things that they've said are their hopes, so I really appreciate your time today and these very specific implementable

tips

and thank you very much.