Rodney Dangerfield at the Top of His Game (1980)

(crowd applauding and cheering) - What a crowd, what a crowd! Thank you so much. I'm telling you, I'm fine now. But last week I was very tough, you know. I mean, last week I bought a hot tub for my bathroom and so far I lost three of my best boats. (Audience laughs) Are you kidding me? Last week nothing went right. I bought a waterbed, there were two Cubans swimming in it looking for Florida. (Audience laughs) I'm telling you, people are crazy, you know? My dentist too, another beauty. My dentist found a way to hide her bad breath and raise her arms. (Audience laughs) I tell you, all I know are smart guys.

I checked into a hotel and asked the bellboy to take care of my bag. He started feeling up my wife. (Audience laughs) I said: Hey friend, who told you you could play with my wife? She said everyone. (Audience laughs) I'm telling you, my wife, I can never relax, you know? I told him our son is spoiled. She told me that many children smell like that. (Audience laughs) She's also a terrible cook. She doesn't know how to cook anything. She left dental floss in the kitchen, her cockroaches hang themselves. (Audience laughs) My wife doesn't go with me either and I'm not an attractive guy.

Halloween I open the front door, the children give me candy. (Audience laughs) Are you kidding me? I know I'm ugly. My dog ​​discovered that we look alike and committed suicide. (Audience laughs) I was an ugly child too. My old man took me to the zoo. The old man at the door thanked him for returning me. (Audience laughs) I was a very ugly child. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my photo. (Audience laughs) I was a very ugly child. In my litter box, the cat kept covering me all the time, you know? (Audience laughs) When I was a kid, no one was nice.

When I was six years old I discovered that there is no such thing as Alpo porridge. (audience laughs) I mean, no one was nice. My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she liked me as a friend of hers. (audience laughs) I mean, I had a hard time. I told my old man I'm sick and tired of going around in circles. He got mad. He stuck his other foot in me. (Audience laughs) I mean, that's the story of my life. Without respect. I have no respect at all, are you kidding me? It's not easy, it's not easy, are you kidding?

No respect at all. When I was born, the doctor told my mother that I did everything I could, but he pulled through anyway, you know? (Audience laughs) I don't get any respect from anyone. Well, last week my house caught fire. My wife told the kids to be quiet, you'll wake up dad. (Audience laughs) A little bit of Hollywood. That is my place. Okay, see you now. The music, the music is beautiful.` (theme song for tonight's show) (audience applauding) Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Hey, I'll do a few more minutes. - Yes. (audience applauding) - How are you?

Oh, over here. - It's good to see you anyway. - What are you doing? Alright? - I'm fine. - Good good good. - Long time no see. - I've been around here. - Yes. - Yes. - I've been busy. I've been running a bit. I'll be back in New York tomorrow at my club for Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And I will be at the Riviera Hotel on July 31st for a week. I'm going to Green Bay, Wisconsin. The Carlton West, I'll be there. And Wisconsin. It's nice to be out there, you know? You have the beautiful state of Nebraska.

The Midwest is nice, you know? - You like the Midwest, huh? - Yeah, sometimes I wish I came from the Midwest, you know. I'd live in nice little towns, you know. Featuring a wood frame house, with a screen door in the back of the kitchen. My brother and sister were Maryanne and Biff. (Audience laughs) (Johnny laughs) - Dad was a vice president of the bank and worked there for 30 years. Very well-adjusted man dad. He never smokes, drinks or gambles, you know. Then you read about these guys. One day they take an ax and kill the whole family. (Audience laughs) The next thing the police found out was what happened here, what kind of man was he?

He was a quiet man. But I've been going around a lot while releasing my album. I have a new album No Respect. That's your album, right? - It goes very well. It's on the charts, a bullet, whatever that means. And did you also hold the back? Show them the back. Yeah, that's a cute little thing. - Now you understand about not respecting. - You see that. (Audience laughs) - I don't have respect here in California either, I'm telling you. - Actually? - Yes, I got stuck the other day. I wanted to go sightseeing. They took me to tour the houses of all the extras. (audience laughs) But that's definitely it, right? - Oh, yes, definitely. (Audience laughs) - No, but I've been running and gaining weight, Johnny, you know what I mean. - Actually? - Oh, you don't eat well on the way.

You're running all the time. And it's hard to lose weight when everyone's jumping around a little, you know? But I weighed much more, I was fat. Are you kidding. I was so fat when they shined my shoes that I had to take the guy's word for it. I was fat, I assure you. (Audience laughs) I've also dated some fat girls. One girl was so fat that she stepped on the scale and a card came out that said one at a time, you know. (Audience laughs) She was fat. - That's a big girl. - I remember how we met.

I crashed my car here. She said to me, why didn't you come around me? I told her I didn't think she had enough gas. (audience laughs) She was a wild girl, I tell you. Oh, a very wild girl. Are you kidding. She made me French toast and got her tongue stuck in the toaster. She was a wild girl. (Audience laughs) No, but I tell you that being too skinny is not good either. It's not good to be too skinny. A guy died on my block last week. Was he skinny, ooh? - Skinny, okay? -He was so skinny that at the funeral there was only one pallbearer, a waiter. (Audience laughs) No, but skinny is better than fat.

I'll tell you. Better for your health. That's what's important, your health. Oh, are you kidding me? I'm not a child anymore, I'm getting old. And I know I'm getting old. Now I'm of the age, if I hear someone going both ways, I figure he's number one and number two, you know. (Audience laughs) Take care of my health. In fact, I'm telling you, I saw my doctor last week. Doctor Vinnie Boombatz. - Vinnie Boombatz - Saw it last week. I had a little checkup. I asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex, you know, he told me no if I join. (Audience laughs).

I'm telling you, Johnny, it's hard to be funny when you're quitting drugs. I'll tell you. (Audience applauds) Tough, I'm telling you, tough Johnny. I'm telling you, Johnny, the first time I tried marijuana, I had a wonderful experience. In fact, I had a wonderful sexual experience. - Actually? - I wish there was someone there to enjoy it with me. That's all you know. (audience laughs) No, I was a kid, Johnny. You do crazy things when you're a kid, you know? I was also a very green child. Very green child. I remember the first time I had sex with a girl and I was so confused I didn't know what to do.

I dialed 555-1212. (Audience laughs) I wish I was gay, I'd do it with Steve Martin. (Audience laughs) Actually, he's my second choice. (Audience laughs) No offense. - Alright. - And uh, so quiet I feel like EF Hutton just spoke. (Audience laughs) Smoke a cigarette, okay? Do not care? - You should leave that. -A crazy doctor told me to keep smoking if he wanted to stop chewing gum. So what the hell? (Audience laughs) How long do you expect to be in Shanghai? (Audience laughs) - Do you want to talk about your film? - Oh, yes, the movie came out.

It was a great movie, a great movie. There are 843 pages. No, it's a movie called Caddyshack. Fellas wrote that Animal House wrote it. It opens on Friday throughout the country and is working very well, everyone likes it. - I heard you're very funny. - Yes, it went very well. It was a good part. And I played the role of a new Ignatius who invades a nice, sensitive country club and I don't belong in that country club and Ted Knight does, and he and I didn't spend much time in the movie, you know? It was a good movie.

Chevy Chase is there, Bill Murray and a lot of nice people. It is actually a low budget film. I went to the place by subway. (Audience laughs) - We have a film clip. - Oh yes, we also have a movie clip. - I just said that. -Hey, I'm at the movies. - Can we take a look? - Okay, we'll see what happens. This is the opening where I make my entrance. In this movie at the country club. - This is from Caddyshack. - Caddyshack. (bugle horn) - Hey kid, park my car. Grab my bags and gain some weight, will you?

Hi Wang, what about the photos? It's the parking lot, come on, shall we? I think this place is restricted Wang, so don't tell them you're Jewish. Well? Good. Hey kid, I'm Al Czervik. Today I'm playing with Drew Scott. This is my guest, Mr. Wang, no offense. Oh, give me half a dozen of those Vulcan D10s and leave my friend here with all the stain. You know, clubs, bags, shoes, gloves, shirt, pants. Don't make his pants too tight, or you'll damage his fortune cookie. Oh, by the way, do you want one of those things that tells you how far away you are? - Mr.

Czervik, I'm sorry I didn't see you, sir. - Oh, how are you sure? Hello orange balls. I'll have a box of those. Give me a box of those naked woman t-shirts and give me two of those, give me six of those. Hey, I'll buy the joint Wang, stop me, will you? Oh, this is the worst hat I've ever seen. If you buy a hat like this, I bet you'll get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you. (laughs) (audience applauds) - Personal foul. - Thank you so much. The movie is longer than that actually. - Good.

Is this your first photo? - No, I made a film years ago called The Projectionist and it never left the projection booth. - Now I remember that photo. - It's over there, do you remember it? - Yes. - You're the one who saw it. - It didn't do well at the box office. - It was big in Paris, believe it or not. With French titles. That was the end of that movie, I guess. It still exists, I suppose. - Are you going to take more photos? - Well, I have had numerous offers. I do not know what I'm going to do.

I like live entertainment. And you know what I mean. Movies are really the director's medium, you know? But I grew up in clubs, you know, like Dominics Black and Blue Room, Theresa's Fun House, where you have to do it live. La Cueva del Carmine, all those beautiful places you know. Where you would get an immediate response. - Reggie's ravioli parlor? All that: Reggie's Ravioli Room. Hey, you do these things pretty well. You're fine, you know? - Let me do this. We're back with Arnold Dvoracek