Fredrik Imbo - How not to take things personally

ladies and gentlemen Halos and heroes again today's topic is how not to

take

things

personally

by Frederick

imbo

if you want to see this without my additional comment I will have the link in the description below but again with care and faith I feel this is a very topic, very relevant to recovery to help move away ideas of being more progressive so without further delay Frederick embo how not to

take

things

personally

tedex McKellen I think that's how to pronounce good night good night how are you? well, big welcome, welcome to this match, this match will last exactly 18 minutes, okay and you are all part of the same team.

Yo, okay guys, I would like to see fair play on the field, respect and positivity. Okay everyone, great, good luck. A year ago I decided I wanted to be a football referee, not for the money, although I only get paid €20 a lot so I won't get rich from that. No, I decided to become a referee for two other reasons: one To stay in good shape, second, because I wanted to learn not to take things personally. I love how a lot of these people take real world experiences, things they do to be productive, this is a weird color and it makes me look really weird, but this is the screen, not me, I promise, here we go, so I like how they take real world experience, things they have done in their real lives to better equip themselves with the tools required or necessary in their emotional well-being.

I can see some. people nod, you probably think that being a referee is a perfect environment to learn not to take things personally, don't you because spectators almost never shout encouraging or positive things? No, what do they do? Come on, come on, are you blind? Yes, yes, good. As a referee I'm the scapegoat apparently I always make mistakes, it's always my fault and I wanted to learn to not take all of this personally because I really struggle with this, for example when I'm driving slowly because I'm trying to find a specific location and someone is driving behind me.

I feel chased, especially when they start honking and flashing their headlights. That's the worst feeling in the world when you're driving and I've had times where I ended up in a dead end where there's no hope of turning around and yet the person behind me just lives in the last house and now I'm blocking their driveway but I can't turn around because they're right. behind me and they don't move to get out of my way and I'm freaking out and they're freaking out and I can tell you from past experience that I didn't handle it well, if I handled it at all, I probably got scared and just sat there like a deer in the headbutts, but I understand what you're saying, that's what I'm saying, I take it personally, I know, I shouldn't, but it just happens, you know what I mean, yeah, oh, when someone cancels a date.

At the last moment I have the feeling that I am not important enough again. I take it. I take it personally, even professionally. I'm a public speaker like tonight. This is what I do. I give keynote speeches and I really like it whenever I can. I draw my audience into my story because the very moment I see that someone is not paying attention, for example when someone is looking at their smartphone, it just happens, I take it personally, relax, you are safe tonight, don't worry, feel free to take your smartphones and you can even that is one thing that bothers me to this day, although I have accepted it because it is part of the culture that I personally, when I talk to someone one on one or in a group, it can distract me.

For me, when someone looks at their phone and you don't feel like they're fully listening, but I think part of that is due to the fact that when I used to use my cell phone and someone was talking to me, I was only hearing half of what they were saying, I nodded and smiled and agreed, so I feel like that's how people perceive or how, yeah, that's my perception of that person at that moment, if that was me and again it goes back to that car and Faith Video, if that . It was me and I was talking to you and you were on your phone and I know I didn't understand half of what you were saying, it's just that in your case you really completely understand everything we're talking about and sometimes it surprises me. when the person can recite the entire conversation to me, so that takes some of the fight away from you, it's something I still need to work on and start talking to your neighbor.

I won't take it personally. Why not? Because now, here and now, I am very aware that this can happen and, more importantly, I have a strategy to deal with it. So tonight I would like to share this strategy with you. Are you interested? Great, because I guess not. the only person in this room who sometimes takes things personally, eh, imagine, imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies and she says, oh, I'm sorry, I have to work, but you see a photo on the social media of her having dinner with some friends like that. night or you imagine that you have really worked really hard on a project, you are really proud of the end result but all you get is criticism, so you come home and you would like to relax and share this terrible experience, but while you are telling your story, the another walks away to turn on the TV, so what he's looking at there is the feeling of failure and well, it's just an incident that may have triggered it, right?

You were looking forward to going to a meeting. movie with a friend the friend said I can't, I'm working and you let it go, so you say, okay, I got it and then you see them on social media and you say, oh, I guess it wasn't that important, well, Maybe the dinner you're watching is a break from work and they immediately go back to work, but you don't know that all you see is the photo of them at dinner, it's easy to misinterpret the situation, maybe your approach towards discussing that the presentation goes wrong or goes in a different direction than you expected.

Do you feel like a failure? Maybe I feel like a failure after the presentation instead of realizing that maybe I just didn't communicate it correctly or made a mistake during the presentation. it's a matter of perception at that point and maybe if the way I talk to the person about the presentation and the way it unfolded maybe I'm not communicating effectively but what I'm doing with all of these methods different en I am taking responsibility for my actions because that is really all I can control in the situation. I can look back on the presentation and everything is fine, maybe I wasn't as logical or in touch with the concept as I thought or maybe I wasn't as logical or in touch with the concept as I thought.

I'm yelling at the person I'm talking to and it's not part of this, it's not part of the problem now, who would take one of these situations personally? Show me your hands, come on. It used to be why we take things personally. someone says or does something and Bam we feel hurt abandoned offended betrayed by the other that's what we believe even though it's the other person's fault he's responsible for what we feel he's the one to blame now wait wait who says that what part of us is talking is our ego our ego thinks that others should take us into consideration our ego doesn't want to be criticized hell no our ego wants to be recognized I'm right is this what you want you want to be right that's ex Souls When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day.

I am in a constant fight with the rest of the world and that drains my energy. Would it be much easier to not take things personally because then no one has power over you? you want to be right or you want to be happy is the lesson I learned the hard way when you dig deep into a problem and you dig deeper and deeper and deeper maybe you're right maybe you're 100% right right? It affects you? Will it affect you in a year? Five years. 10 years. Does it concern you personally? If it doesn't affect you or your outcome or your situation.

Let go. As a result, you will be much happier if being right takes control of you you lose touch with what really matters again I speak for myself my personal experience as I always say during these I am not a doctor I am not a therapist I am not just someone Who has been there in that position? I do not have all the answers. I'm just teaching. I'm trying to convey to you what I've learned as a result of videos like this, situations like this, and things that have happened inside of me. life that have changed my scope of focus to things that really relate to me and that matter to me is not an approach of narcissism, most of the time it is in situations that have humiliated me and taught me humility, quite the opposite, they are I bring from the beginning.

Visual perspective because I can't speak for anyone else except myself. I can't tell you how your situation is going to happen, how you're going to take it, it's just not going to happen, so I tell you how I handle it. you are free, you experience much more harmony and connection between you and other people, of course, because your energy can be directed towards pleasant things instead of endlessly fighting against the things that drive you crazy, so the question is: do you want to be right or No? I want to be happy I know what some of you are thinking.

I'll make sure I'm happy being right. Well, how do you do it? How to be happy without taking things personally. You are standing at the beginning of your career. life, the mat by which you will learn to stop taking things personally, so as a referee, I brought my coin for the T and each coin has two sides, heads or tails, and they represent two strategies, two strategies to stop taking things, person, sir, sir. good night, you are the captain of this huge team, you can choose heads or tails, okay, you are lucky, they are hats, are you ready for the first strategy? okay, here comes the first strategy, it's not about me, what do you mean it's not about me?

It sounds strange, doesn't it? Because when I take things personally, I'm convinced it's about me. One of the first things we learn in smart recovery is how to process our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and as we move forward. to argue and I won't spoil it again um if it's not about me it doesn't matter I can be empathetic or understanding of the situation but I don't have to go a little deeper into what I was talking about before Although, for me, my personal situation was that I had an intrusive, invasive thought that repeated itself to the point where I was convinced I was right.

I refused to let go to the point where I pushed away the people I cared about. I forgave myself, I apologized to the person, and that situation resolved itself, which is great, but it shouldn't have come to that. It shouldn't have come down to the fact that I ended up pushing away someone whose only intention was my life. It was making it better to be there as a caring person and yeah, and I wasn't even right at the end of the day. I wasn't even right, so I was neither right nor happy when I see someone looking at their phone.

I feel offended I think I put so much effort and time into this presentation I want respect I think of myself and it sounds familiar No, yes, but it's not really about me. What if I try to see it from his point of view? the perspective of another person asking me why you are looking at your smartphone maybe you just received an important message you were waiting for or the topic of my presentation is not really your cup of tea it could be or on the contrary you find it very interesting and want to take notes on your smartphone.

To do so, by the way, I simply need to shift my focus from me to us and I won't take it personally if I try to see the intention of the other, I make room for understanding instead of irritation, see, and as we also talk about the car, in this video, um, when we shift from personal perspective to perspective, when we stop trying to seek approval, we stop pleasing people and we focus on the perspective and the perspective of others we put ourselves in their shoes We learn to be more compassionate Your position doesn't sound familiar to you when you put your son to bed but he doesn't want to, he throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming I hate you, do you take it personally?

No, no you don't because you know this isn't about me, it's about what he wants, what he needs, he's mad because he just wants to stay up a little longer, that's all, so the first strategy is not take it personally it's not about me look at the other person's intention it's not about me look at the other person's intention the person behind us who honks and speeds may not be angry with us maybe his wife is in labor and They are trying to get to the hospital, it has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them in their situation, when a driver is very close and shows his skids, he probably does it because he is in a hurry, it's not about me, you see , it's as simple as that in theory because in real life it turns out to be an amazing job, do you have any idea ladies and gentlemen how many thoughts our brain produces per day? 50,000 and guess how many of them are positive, only 10,000 so these 50,000 thoughts per day and 1 of those thoughts are positive, keep this in mind there is a huge disparity between allour thoughts and the ones that are positive, all positive, only 10,000, so this means that 80% of what we think, all negative thoughts, that's a lot, right? when you see two colleagues talking to each other and just at that moment they look at you and start laughing, do you think?

Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and want them to do it now, what do you think? They are laughing at me. you're gossiping about so it takes a lot of effort to correct yourself and say wait, I have no idea that they could be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me, so seeing the positive intention of the other requires a lot of discipline, that's something that As someone who is a people pleaser and attention seeker, I had to learn to change the thought process as I mentioned before. When we move from seeking approval to seeking perspective, it's much more satisfying because that means we're figuring out, I'm solving my problems. on my own and I can go to someone else and be fine, here is my thought process and this is the solution I came up with, it is that correct.

I now refer to it as cautious optimism, confidence that would verify confidence that we are on the path. right path trust that I'm on the right path that I'm in the right thought process verify that what I'm thinking is rational and then, if it's not, find a silver lining or find a way to turn it around in a way that it becomes rational and then I am happier as a result of the training and that is why I became a referee to train my brain to not take things personally. I trained my brain one and a half hours a week during the entire period of a match.

Tell this to the football fools and now before the game I am warming up not only physically but also mentally I give myself some words of encouragement in the locker room Fredick, be careful, many things will trigger you during the game that you are going to do. decisions that some will not agree with and will They will shout nasty things at you so I tell myself Frederick don't take it personally it's not about me they just want to be right they just want their team to win I apologize, I had to adapt some settings are very fast, obviously the green screen is creating some unwanted concerns, so we'll go ahead and continue.

You see, when I focus on the other person's intention, there is no need to take it personally when I apply this strategy very consciously. I admit that I feel much more comfortable on the field when the coach, the players or the spectators do not agree with my decisions. I become unbalanced less easily. This strategy, ladies and gentlemen, works, but not always, unfortunately, because some words are shouted at me. like here you really hit a nerve you're a loser pick up another hobby you know what to go fishing oh maybe they're right maybe I made the wrong decision maybe I'm a how I feel like you see that every coin is a flip side when this The first strategy doesn't know it's about me doesn't work, it just means it's about me.

I have to look in the mirror and question myself as a beginner referee. I still feel insecure, especially if I see that he is smart. We call this playing the tape and using an ABC Worksheet, we also play the tape. The ABC worksheet is the triggering event, the behavior and then the response, then there is the d& which is how to change the perspective or feeling to create a better perspective. Playing the tape is fine. um, maybe I made a decision, maybe I made a bad decision, but that makes me a bad person and then I can remember other times that I made good decisions, that I made reasonable decisions and I can counteract the oh my gosh. a failure with hey, I can't be a failure because I made good decisions, I made good decisions and I have been a positive influence, so there is no maybe maybe in this case I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a failure or a bad person I never play shit it's about me because it has something to do with my insecurity I doubt myself or a part of me that I haven't come to dance with do you understand my point ladies and gentlemen, even if I know that a driver alone He follows me closely because he is in a hurry.

I still take it personally when he signals with his headlights, so I have to question myself, he was probably thriving too slowly, ah, I'm aware of that. I just don't No, I just don't like that clumsy part of me, why else would I take it personally when I say, ladies and gentlemen, you are an orange that would take this personally? Nobody is right, why not? Because nothing in you believes that you are in fact, an orange, an orange, unless, of course, you are a redhead and you feel bad about it. Look, and that's a correlation we make too.

If someone called me a tennis ball, why would I take it personally? Oh, because I don't have maybe them. I'm making fun of the fact that I'm bald. Does it really matter? Does it really matter in the long run in the scheme of things at the end of the day? Is it going to matter at all? It's a name, let it bounce. It's easier said than done, but trust me, once you start learning to focus and bounce things off or let things bounce off you, it's a lot easier and a lot more productive, which luckily isn't the case for me, but when Someone says prick.

You're so selfish, oh man, I take it personally and it only happens because I know there's some truth to it. I am honest, I am aware of the fact that I do not always take other people's needs into account. Look, it's easy to be. having a tone of death in certain situations and not even realizing that that's being T is not reading the room correctly, not reading the way people respond to the way you act and maybe you didn't mean it in a negative way or intentional. hurt someone's feelings, but let's say I'm talking to an amputee and I start making jokes about it because I've done it in the past, you know, I mean, is that right?

The person's feelings I'm actually trying to lighten the condition with humor, but is it easy to take it personally? Yeah, especially if they don't know you, especially if they're sensitive, maybe they've struggled with it because they've had. to learn to walk again or you know they've had to learn to do certain things to fix it and now he just made fun of it, it's Ted, so you know, maybe I thought it was funny, maybe I thought I was making the situation was a little brighter for them it was actually just making things worse you're being criticized it hurts there's a good chance this has its roots in your childhood maybe as a kid you were never good enough when you came home with nine out of 10 They said hey and why 10 others you see, you can only take things personally if it somehow touches your own ner and that's the time to give yourself some empathy, this hurts, damn, I crave recognition so much, I feel Sad if I do.

I don't understand, you see, and you can also, why not talk? Just tell the other what is happening inside you. Hey, I'm, I'm in the middle of my story here and you just walk away to turn off the TV. It feels like you don't care about my story assertive communication assertive communication is never being passive letting people walk all over you not speaking up for yourself not feeling like you have a voice in the conversation aggressive communication won't get your point crossing it will only intimidate people or it will make them not want to talk to you at all passive-aggressive I'm going to let people walk all over me until the pressure in the pot increases to the point where I explode it.

It takes one small thing to unleash years of whatever and then there's what he's talking about: it's a very effective and reasonable adult method of talking to another person no matter how you feel. I feel upset when you stay away from me when we are together. you're talking I feel like you're not listening when you're on the phone I feel like that simple statement can change the entire tone and feeling of the conversation maybe that person doesn't realize how you feel they're not a migrant yes Tell them respectfully what I feel , then they will know that it is a realistic expectation if someone comes up to you and yells in your face and asks: what did I do and why are you yelling at me because you are not a Mind Reader, you don't know what they are going through or why they give a Step back, breathe and just say hello.

I feel like you are being very aggressive right now, how can I best help you? How do you feel now? and and maybe you try to deflate the situation it's not pleasant by opening up being vulnerable saying what you feel without blaming the other you increase the chances that the other will understand you and take your needs into account you see what I mean conclude how not to take things personally one it's not about me look at the other person's intention if that doesn't work two it's about me have empathy and talk ladies and gentlemen please pretty please don't take it personally but I really hope you take a couple of things personally in the coming hours and days.

Only if you do so will you be able to try these two strategies. Imagine, imagine if we could all, if we could all put this into practice, wouldn't that greatly improve our relationships? together we can create a better world when that is believe and as a referee I even make some money from it who likes 20 to learn not to take things personally show me your hands show me your hands oh so many the way this ends and this will be Last time I interrupted, but the way this ends, please pay close attention because this here, this here is what inspired me to share this video.

Who wants now? Who still wants now? Who still wants the 20 EUR now? and who still wants them now. Why do you still want these 20? Their people may attack you, criticize you, or ignore you. They can ruin you with their words. Talk to you or even fight for you, but remember, whatever they do or say, you will always maintain your value. Thank you. Oh. That gives me chills every time, no matter what anyone else does to you, says to you or puts you down, just remember you still have value as always, this has been Halos and heroes, I love you, I care, you are not alone, thank you for be. here