How to stop arguing with your partner--in just minutes | Roderick Jeter | TEDxSanDiego

Transcriber: Javier Calero Guillén Critic: Mujtaba bakhet Why be angry? What if we knew how to resolve our disagreements with the person we love in

just

minutes

? No problems, no drama. Can you imagine the possibilities? Would we all be happier? Will more couples stay together? Would the divorce rate go down? Could we reduce the number of children growing up in single-parent homes? Would that reduce teen pregnancies and high school dropout rates? Could we reduce teen drug abuse, gang membership, incarceration, homelessness, and maybe even the need for some juvenile social services? If we are resolving our disagreements, without problems, without dramas.

Are the children watching? Will they learn by example and carry it over into their relationships on the playground and into adulthood? If everyone is going to be happy at home now, does that mean our managers and supervisors could end up happier at work? Would our coworkers arrive happier? Would we appear happier? What effect would that have on workplace morale and productivity in the United States and around the world? Why be angry? For the past few years, I have traveled from coast to coast recording couples playing a simple game. What if I told you that I have recorded problems and disagreements that have lasted more than ten years, 20 years, 40 years and even almost 60 years and have been resolved on average in less than 26

minutes

?

No problems, no drama. 26 minutes. Do you have 26 minutes to solve

your

s? Why be angry? There are some basic rules, but this is how it works. The couple will begin by agreeing to focus on that one issue and boil it down to a simple yes or no question. Let's use the most common problem I've recorded. Should I initiate sex more frequently? Yes or no? He will start by writing down the details to support her, yes, of course, her position on this issue, while at the same time she will write down all the reasons and all the details to support her.

Oh, there is no position. Once all the details are on paper. Now is the time to speak. You've probably had a conversation about this before, maybe even several. But this time. This time it's different. Using the details they

just

wrote. This time they will focus on this topic by focusing on the details of it, one detail at a time. You could start by reading one of her details, starting with the most important detail. Now the next two steps. They are crucial. Having heard the most important detail from her, one without debate, he will repeat to her what he thinks she means in her own words.

Second, then she will ask: Is that so? That's what I could say. So, what you're telling me is that you'd like someone to fall in love with you so you can initiate sex more often by rubbing my feet, shoulders, and massaging my neck more. Alright? If this is what she means, she will say yes. I think this allows her to feel heard and now she can hear him. When he responds and when she responds, he can respond to what she really means, not something he thinks she means because of all the things she has in her head.

He could answer like this. Honey, do you want to start sex by rubbing

your

feet more and massaging your neck and shoulders? Honey, I can do that. But from my perspective, I'm still the one who initiates sex. Yes. You will continue to focus on this detail and the remaining details, one detail at a time; until the problem is resolved. This will absolutely work. Processing details in writing slows down communication, giving you both time to think and respond thoughtfully. This approach is much more effective than the rapid emotional response that often occurs in disagreements. Why be angry?

Using this approach, I was able to help my parents resolve the same argument they've been having my entire life. My mom has a TV in almost every room, and when the TV or cable goes out in any room, she wants it fixed. Today, this makes my dad angry. You grew up with eight people in the house and a television. Why do you now need a TV in every room? My mom would respond. I don't spend any damn money. The only thing I have is my television. Will they agree to sit down and play? I made them aware that the relationship has to win or both will lose.

Just a few minutes later. Problem solved. Even I couldn't believe it this time. I know these people. But it always is. Surprised. Asked. Because? After so many years. Were you able to solve this in just a few minutes? My mom says, well, we talked about it. But how would you talk about it before mom says it? No, we just argued about it. Eight months passed after filming my parents solving this 57-year-old problem. That I realized that of all the couples that I had recorded, not one person, not one of them had written bad words or even an exclamation point on paper other than screaming or bad words on the paper.

So, my parents, you grew up with eight people in the house and a television. Because right now? Do you need a television in each room? Well, that just became: You grew up with 8 people in the house and a TV. Why do you need a TV in every room? Which was just a question that allowed my mom to think. And my mom is for her. I don't spend any damn money. The only thing I have is my television. That, that became. I don't spend money. All I have is my TV, which generated more compassion from my father.

Nobody was attacking. Nobody got defensive. Finally, they could hear each other. Finally, they both felt heard. You can resolve almost any disagreement with the person you love in just a few minutes. No problems, no drama. Imagine the possibilities. Why be angry? Thank you.