101 Rodney Dangerfield 1 liners

I mean, last week was hard, are you kidding me? Last week I looked through my family tree, two dogs were using it. I mean when I was a kid I had a hard time when I was two my parents had a dog and I was jealous of the dog so they got rid of me my wife is like the dog watching me in a bedroom it was to learn to beg I don't know how to look at my wife or learn to roll over and play dead my dog ​​started having problems again I mean I have a dog, he tries to control the whole house, dear, the night the problems started here we know where the front door, he started barking.

I'm done, I open the front door but the dogs don't want to come out, he wanted me. leave my dog ​​- she gives me the truck at dawn I have a dog, you know, I tried to mate her she wants 50 cookies a night I have a stupid dog - my dog ​​we call him in Egypt every Ruby leaves a pyramid and I my wife I don't have either sex life in my house put the mirror over the dog bed now are you kidding I know I'm ugly my dog ​​finds out we look alike he committed suicide Hanukkah but I have $2 you know, I know, of course, but our boy gives My problem, actually It's never that the agent just copies.

I mean, you see someone copying. Do you know that this child imitates everything? Yeah, that's why we got rid of the dog. Everyone knows that they are very impressionable at that age. A peculiar feeling is only son. standing there with one leg yes sir no my wife broke the car again it was our driver she told me she would make a U-turn I'll take a letter she made you'll never find anything yes my wife can't don't do anything right she can't cooking, the worst cook in the world took away my son, so we explained to her help, I mean how can she toast his bones?

She is a terrible cook; She doesn't know how to cook anything. I leave my dental strength in the kitchen, the cockroaches hang themselves and I tell you, my wife, she doesn't know how to cook, my house, we prayed after eating, I bought a pressure cooker, now I eat from the ceiling, what a terrible cook, I don't think the dark meatloaf should go in. , I mean, if you can't cook it all over my backyard, the flies stepped in to fix the screen door. I'll tell you, my wife, but eating is always a problem, she's a strict vegetarian, in fact, when I met her, she was grazing in a front garden.

I mean, she doesn't know how to cook at all, she made chocolate mousse, an aunt who It got stuck in my throat, but you know he admires the way he serves the food, look up Madeline heard no, I mean, you left a steak, how do you forget the plate I was talking to my doctor you know my doctor dr. penny boom box you know my back, where he told me last week in his office that they had six cases of DV. I mean, it's okay now. My doctor didn't help me either. He told me to run five miles a day for two weeks.

I called. I told him, doctor, I'm 70 miles from my house, I'll tell you my problem, look for the wrong doctor, you know, my doctor, doctor, very boombastic, stop them, automa, I had diarrhea, they put me on hold, he's a strange kid I asked him, was my heart strong enough to have sex, he said no, if I join, you know, I'll tell you, RoboCup may be the wrong doctor, you know my doctor, dr. Vinny Boom Box so my doctor is fine wait last week. I told you, doctor, I swallowed Stevie's pills. He taught me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

It's not easy, it's not easy, you can't trust doctors either. confused you think, so my proctologist used to be a photographer, yeah hey, he x-rayed me, told me to bend over and say cheese, one time I saw they gave me sleeping pills, he told me to take it every time I wake up, when you know my doctor dr. vinny boom box oh no good I ran away yeah well that doctor actually made Stubby grab my knee and told me the coffin didn't hit me with a hammer so when I was born after that doctor cut the Cord hanged himself, my problem is me.

I drink too much, too much, see my doctor or a urine sample, that was it. I know I went to a freak show there, they let me in for nothing, well that was one ugly kid, too vasooli. My mother breastfed me with a straw, Tony, my proctologist put his finger in my mouth what is happening I have a nice and ugly girl she got married she is happy he may be an ugly boy today they have two very ugly ones in fact they are also ugly in A family album only keeps the negatives. She was fat, ugly.

Whose idea was that? I took him to the beach they asked me what we could use as bait when I took him home and time I put newspapers on the floor I gave him a hickey I put hair in his mouth he was ugly child too stoned many pimples one day I fell asleep in the library I woke up a blind man was reading my face when I was born after that doctor cut the cord he hanged himself now I'm telling you I'm fine now the last week I kind of messed up you know yeah that's my wife she signed me up for a club bridge.

I'll jump next Tuesday. I mean, last week nothing went right. I bought a waterbed. There were two Cubans who were looking for Florida and last week I went to the tract. Wow, that was a beauty. I turned off the opening gun. They killed my horse. My car broke down again. I got a car. I have nothing but problems every Sunday. I take my family to give it a boost. The last time my wife drove the car, she broke it. up and into a tree until it wasn't her fault she honked you know when I chew now some guys stole the car I told her just see what it looked like she told me she had the license plate number she smiles at everything what I said. she my daughter is spoiled she taught me a lot to smell good so you know I'm telling you it's hard this tape marry my wife how do you think I feel she kissed a dog on the lips and doesn't want to drink from my glass father of the child, he just he moved towards his leg trying to walk every time he sees the garage door oh my psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy, I told him, if you don't mind, get a second opinion, he's not right, you're ugly too.

I know, boy, I know I'm ugly. Halloween I opened the front door. The children give me candy. They discover that we look alike. You kill yourself. I was an ugly child. I worked in a pet store. People got angry. How big I got and I was ugly. sandbox the cat kept covering me all the time you know what child I had my mother never breastfed me she told me that she liked her as a friend today it's different they go to Tula she didn't appreciate anything last Christmas my son wanted a compressed air gun. I gave him a BB gun.

He gave me a sweatshirt with a porthole on the back. I bought it the other day. I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and her butcher. My whole life is precious. Nothing. but the pressure this pressure is like a heaviness always on top of me this heaviness since I was a child other people wake up in the morning to a new day and Adam I wake up the heaviness is there waiting for me and sometimes I even talk and tell him happiness, drink my bed, drink a treat, the next day I have to do two things there trying to locate my car and I have to bring back the car I took, I came there, you know the problem with me, I appeal. to everyone who can do absolutely no good to me nothing is easy I met the Surgeon General he offered me a cigarette that's the story my life wow respect uh no respectability he told me when I was in a bar they tell me get out of there I wanted to start happy hour , it's easily done on me, I'll wear a suit, my house was on fire, my wife told the kids to be quiet, wake up dad now, but I'll tell you I finally got some respect, they asked me to come tonight, You know?

I'll tell you, I'm surprised he's here. I mean, I voted for Randolph Scott. A crazy doctor told me to keep smoking. I want to stop chewing gum. So what the hell how long do you expect to be in Shanghai unless we have I told my son to be honest always be honest he said okay I'm not your son well last week was hard I felt bad my doctor He told me to go home and take care of myself, so I told my wife to breastfeed me there, I had a leak in my pants and I cried for two hours, my wife, you know, helped me get over it, we got married, I told her I like it. sex twice a day she said me too now we will never see each other on my wedding day she was a beauty I went to put the ring on her she gave me the wrong finger no, I will do it until we both like Las Vegas, You know, yeah, my wife likes to play slot machines and I like to play now that I like it, the baby keeps me busy, I like to keep myself busy, I know my age.

I don't want to be busy, you know, something always comes up to keep you busy at night, like this morning. I took a drug test. I was lucky. It was good marijuana. You know, you know something. I still don't drink. I can't drive. alcohol drives me crazy, yeah, I don't want to break up with the old man, you know, the man was a drunk, a big drunk, he would drink it, oh yeah, he just saw a Canada Dry drink sign, he went up there, yeah, I . I'll tell you you don't know who to believe like Abraham Lincoln can get away with saying that all men are created equal he never went to a nude beach you know I woke up the other day I was craving nuts dragging his net so I spent the whole day from my wife and my mother I really thought my wife was faking orgasms thank you, yeah, because my friends told me, you know, when I think about my love for girls, I didn't do so bad, huh, no, womanizer, you know, I met her.

The night I met a girl, Bob, we talked for 15 minutes on the way back to her house and had the best sex she'd ever had. Hungry, maybe a steak was beautiful and a way out, she tells me, how about some money? I said, oh no, there's no money. Don't take it away, we have your pride, yes, her name is Valerie du Bois, she actually, she told me to call her VD, I'm sure she would say AJ. I have women pretty well figured out not to run enough. I know how to make a girl say. Yes, but she remembers to always have safe sex, that's important.

I see a whole sexy life practicing safe sex. Yes, in fact, I think it will be the girls who rejected me and some who turned me upside down. What I'm talking about? Sex 46 life. I'm old, yeah, I tried it with a group my wordplay got tough on, yeah, I guess we got you. TT. I dropped the whole bunch of agra pills in my toilet, yes now the lid won't stay down it will destroy it and I have a dog now it's a pointer really feel good stay home Hospital they don't want it a few months ago and experienced the hungry health nurse from the hospital she comes with you sir yes I am so hungry damn they are feeding you right now if you put your hand behind you feel a tube they are feeding you through the tool that is quite kind to me your family tomorrow brings two tools better she said why don't she like you and go have lunch with me I'll tell you if it's Right next to a car I get stuck, you know, the salesman always says that she is the beauty, he never says that he is a beauty , I found out why there is a very similar karna girl, you believe the only acara girl, when you have to use one thing, you always lie about the mileage and with one a car or a girl how many times Nicole tomorrow when you really needed it won't change everything my life boy that was rejection when I was a child my yo-yo never came back when I was a child I was poor too when I was a child everyone was poor without risk his only pig is that then when I was poor he was so poor my rich aunt Ida owed him $20 well one time on my birthday my old man showed me a picture of a cake I put there all day trying to blow out the candles now with the kids today is different I have to go they don't appreciate it either with my kids birthday next week last hello a party without the cake to kill blood all the candles I said I hope your wish comes true he said if so that will be the last time you will see me blowing candy.

Intelligent child. I was like the last time I took my son to Coney Island. I asked him if he wanted to go to a crazy house. He told me. Me to save money I'm coming home soon until he tries to go crazy for three years even though he goes to a private school he doesn't tell me where it's like the kids are hard on my face. I had pimples, a stick, grab and play connect. The points seem to me now but it is below what old death tells that was shapeless it seems but how many times when walking down the street do you see a tall and handsome man walking arm in arm with a short, fat and ugly girl.

I never saw that. the java sea oh what a nice video, laughs, okay, really no laughs. I live in a dangerous neighborhood, very bad, forget it, last week a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see that it was not a really professional job. There was butter. in that