Haberman's Book Details Racist, Sexist Behavior By The Former President | Lizzo Makes History Cool

OH, OH, MY FRIENDS, MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOW FROM FLORIDA, FIRST OF ALL, I'M GLAD YOU HAVE POWER, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON AT 3:05, HURRICANE IAN MADE LANDLAND AS AN EXTREMELY POWERFUL CATEGORY 4, WITH SUSTAINED WINDS OF 150 MPH AND POSSIBLE STORM SURGE 18 FEET. WE ARE PRAYING FOR EVERYONE IN THE PATH OF THIS STORM, AND FOR EVERYONE IN THE NORTH, GEORGIA, SOUTH CAROLINA, ATTENTION. IS COMING. STAY SAFE. THEY TOLD ME WE HAVE A VIRAL PIECE OF IMAGES. THIS IS REPORTED TO BE FORT MYERS. IT'S A SHARK SWIMMING IN A FLOODED STREET.

THAT'S AMAZING...WHAT MY INVESTIGATORS TELL ME THAT IT'S PROBABLY NOT A REAL PHOTO. SOMEONE PUT THAT ONLINE, BUT I DECIDED TO SHOW YOU, BECAUSE IT'S A SHARK ON A STREET. YOU CAN'T PASS THAT. IN OTHER FLORIDA DISASTER NEWS, FORMER PRESIDENT THE GREAT GRABSBY. WE ARE GETTING MORE DETAILS ABOUT THE NEW BOOK "CONFIDENCE MAN" BY MAGGIE HABERMAN. MAGGIE WILL BE OUR GUEST NEXT TUESDAY, AND I'LL ASK HER ABOUT ALL THE NICELY ANNOYING THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT, LIKE HOW ONCE AT A DINNER IN 2017, THE FORMER PRESIDENT SAW STAFF OF COLOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND ASSUMED Apparently the

former

president

was having dinner with Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, when he turned to his non-white employees and said, "WHY DON'T YOU GET THE FOOD?" AGAIN, VERY TERRIBLE.

BUT TO BE FAIR, THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS IN EVERY SITUATION. (AS A GENERAL) LONG RANGE MISSILE TEST. WHAT ARE YOUR REQUESTS? UH HUH. YES SIR. YES SIR. OKAY, TWO 10-PIECE FAMILY BUCKETS, AND TELL THEM TO FILL THE SAUCE TO THE TOP THIS TIME." YES, SIR, YES, SIR." Unsurprisingly, the

former

president

also said bad things about women. HE REFERS TO GERMAN CHANCELLOR ANGELA MERKEL AS "ESA B." WOW, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE GERMAN WORD FOR CHANCELLOR IS "BUNDES-KANSSLERIN"? (LAUGHTER) THAT'S AWESOME. (APPLAUSE) Stephen: THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT I WAS AN IGNORANT LITTLE BITCH. As bad as he was to the people he worked with, he was even worse to his family, because, according to the

book

, the former president almost fired Jared and Ivanka through a tweet.

THAT WOULD BE A HORRIBLE WAY TO FIND OUT THEY HAD LOST THEIR JOBS AS... BLONDE BAG FACE? HAUNTED SCARECROW? TORALLEROS FOR HIM AND HER? I KNOW WHAT THEY DID. He apparently raised the prospect of firing them with then-chief of staff John Kelly, who told him that before tweeting the news, he had to speak directly to Jared and Ivanka first. YES, PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HEAR LIFE-CHANGING NEWS FROM A TWEET. I mean, you'd hate to see this in your doctor's information: @ CHRISTOPHER SMITH, I HAVE YOUR RESULTS. LET'S SAY: RENT, NOT BUY. #YOLO. (Applause) IT'S A LITTLE DARK. Luis: A LITTLE.

Stephen: IN THE END, THE FORMER PRESIDENT DID WHAT HE HAD DONE WITH HIS ENTIRE LIFE: HE AVOID HIS CHILDREN from him. HE NEVER FIRE THEM AND AS WE ALL KNOW, JARED FOUND PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST. (LAUGHTER) DUE TO THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S TENDENCY TO REPEAT WHAT HE HAD JUST HEARD, HIS ASSISTANTS STARTED CALLING HIM "A SOPHISTICATED PARROT." COME ON GUYS. IT'S MUCH MORE OF A HOT COCKATOO. (LAUGHTER) THAT'S A REALLY GREAT DESCRIPTION. IT IS A VERY DEALING DESCRIPTION. YOU MUST BE VERY LUCKY. ELSEWHERE IN HER BOOK, THE FORMER PRESIDENT RUINED FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS, CALLING HIM "FAT," "FAKE," AND "A GIRL," AND ADDING, "PLUS, DESANTIS ALWAYS PROJECTS HIS INSECURITIES ON OTHER PEOPLE!

AND HIS "YOUR BUTT LOOKS SO HUGE IN THOSE TENNIS SHORTS!" (LAUGHTER) THE PRESIDENT CONSIDERED BOMBING DRUG LABORATORIES IN MEXICO. THANKFULLY, AT THE LAST MOMENT, DON JR. I convinced him not to do it. AND THEN WE JUST TALK AND TALK AND TALK. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) THAT, DAD. DON'T DO IT, DAD." THE GUY WHO ALMOST GOT IT TO DO THE BOMBING WAS A PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL WHO WALKED INTO THE OVAL OFFICE IN A DRESS UNIFORM. THE RESPONSE OF THE WHITE HOUSE AIDE WAS NOT TO TRY TO CHANGE THE EX PRESIDENT ABOUT BOMBING MEXICO, BUT CONSIDER ASKING THAT HEALTH OFFICIAL TO NO LONGER BRING HIS UNIFORM TO THE OVAL OFFICE, BECAUSE THE FORMER PRESIDENT IS SO EASILY INFLUENCED BY ANY UNIFORM WEAR.

CHIEF OF INFRASTRUCTURE, SECRETARY OF THE NAVY, SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR, DIRECTOR OF THE BUREAU OF INDIAN AFFAIRS. AND OF COURSE, SECRETARY OF THE LEATHER BOYS. (APPLAUSE) YOU ARE AN EASY MASS TO MANIPULATE. THANK YOU! THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS ALSO PRETTY ANNOYED ABOUT THE WHOLE COVID ISSUE. .. IN CLASS. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE DID DUMMY THE VIRUS IN EARLY 2020, HE PRESENTED HIMSELF AS THE VICTIM, SAYING, "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED TO ME?" FIRST OF ALL, WE STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED TO US! LAUGHTER) I MUST SAY, HIS COURAGE IN LAUGHTER) I MUST SAY, HIS COURAGE IN THE FACE OF THE CRISIS REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.'S FAMOUS SPEECH.

AFTER PEARL HARBOR: DECEMBER 7, 1941: A QUOTE I CAN'T BELIEVE HAPPENED TO ME! I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE MOVIE THAT DAY! I HAD TICKETS TO SEE "DUMBO!" IT'S NOT FAIR, JAPAN! Stephen: OH, HERE'S SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BRING A SMILE ON YOUR FACE. FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE THE GREAT RECESSION, THE SUPER RICH DID NOT GET RICHER THIS YEAR. (APPLAUSE) I'LL TOAST TO THAT. ALEXA, ORDER CHAMPAGNE ON AMAZON! TAKE THAT, BEZOS. AN ESPECIALLY HARD HIT MILLIONAIRE IS GOAL C.E.O. AND THE FIRST FACE YOU SEE WHEN YOU REACH THE BOTTOM OF A WELL, MARK ZUCKERBERG. (LAUGHTER) IS THAT IT?

Is he there with you in the well? IS HE A MOLE MAN? IS THAT WHAT IT IS? OR IS HE AT THE TOP LOOKING AT YOU SAYING, "PUT THE LOTION ON YOUR BODY." IN 2021, ZUCKERBERG WAS NUMBER THREE ON THE "FORBES 400," BUT THIS YEAR HE FELL OUT OF THE TOP 10 FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2014. THAT MUST BE DIFFICULT. BUT YOU NEVER KNEW HE WAS UPSET. OR HAPPY. OR HUNGER. IS A ROBOT. THINGS ARE EVEN WORSE FOR OTHER MULTILLIONAIRES, LIKE THE TECH ENTREPRENEURS AND THE TWINS WHO SECRETLY THINK THE OTHER IS THE SPARE ORGAN FARM, CAMERON AND TYLER WINKLEVOSS.

UNLIKE ZUCK, WHO JUST DROPPED A COUPLE OF PLACES IN THE RANKINGS, THIS YEAR, THE WINKLEVOSSES FELL OFF THE LIST COMPLETELY. BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT WORK. THEY CAN ALWAYS RETURN TO THEIR BAND. (TO TUNE TO "DON'T STOP ♪ SOME WILL WIN, SOME WILL LOSE, SOME WERE BORN TO SING THE BLUES Stephen: AND SOME WERE BORN NOT TO SING AT ALL. (LAUGHTER) TALKING ABOUT-- TALKING ABOUT SINGERS, CONCERT ATTENDERS IN D.C. GOT A EXTRAORDINARY GIFT WHEN LIZZO PLAYED A VERY SPECIAL FLUTE, AS SHE EXPLAINS: THIS WAS THE EARLY 1800'S, AND THIS WAS A GIFT TO JAMES MADISON FROM A FRENCH CRYSTAL FLUTE DESIGNER TO CELEBRATE HIS SECOND QUARTER.

THERE WAS A FIRE WHEN HE WAS AWAY, AND THE ONLY TWO THINGS THAT WERE SAVED WERE A PORTRAIT OF GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THIS CRYSTAL FLUTE HERE. Stephen: NOW, THE HOUSE HE WAS AWAY FROM, BY THE WAY, IS THE WHITE HOUSE, AND THE FIRE YOU'RE DESCRIBING IS THAT THE BRITISH BURNED IT DURING THE WAR OF 1812. ANYWAY, COME ON, THE FLUTE? ♪ ♪ ♪ (Applause) (Applause) BITCH, I JUST TWERKED AND PLAYING JAMES MADISON'S 1800'S FLTE (Applause) YES! IT'S FANTASTIC. AND I THINK THAT'S WHAT JAMES MADISON WOULD HAVE WANTED. THAT'S WHY HE WRITTEN IN THE BILL OF RIGHTS: "YOU ARE 100% THAT BITCH!" THIS WAS SO COOL.

AND LIZZO REALLY PUT IT INTO CONTEXT: WE JUST MADE HISTORY TONIGHT (CHEERING) CONGRESS FOR PRESERVING OUR HISTORY AND MAKING HISTORY VERY COOL. THE STORY IS VERY COOL, GUYS. Esteban: WOW! WHAT AN AMAZING GIFT FOR ALL AMERICAN SOCIAL STUDIES TEACHERS: "WELL KIDS, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THE STORY IS VERY COOL. I KNOW A CERTAIN LADY WHO AGREES. HER NAME IS LIE-ZO. NOW IT'S - - IT'S TIME TO RETURN YOUR TEXTBOOKS TO PAGE 92, 'THE BATTLE OF TICONDEROGA'." WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! LATER I'LL BE TALKING TO THE STAR OF THE MOVIE, "SMILE," BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MR.

ANDERSON COOPER.