How to stop people pleasing and set authentic boundaries while staying kind: Gabor Maté

It's strange about this

authentic

ity thing, so this is how it works, how it works and some of you may have heard me say this before, but how it works, a child has need, a child is an absolute need for what we call attachment, attachment is the urge to be close to someone so that we can take care of that human child who is the most immature and helpless underdeveloped creature and for the longest period of time in the universe or a period of attachment is very, very long, but especially in the first years it is absolutely indispensable we simply cannot live with it I cannot survive without attachments no mammal can but at least look at human beings so we have this need to attach ourselves to being close to

people

so that they take care of us, that is obvious. that we have another need that Evolution gave us, which is to be, as you said,

authentic

and authentic, it's not some fancy new age, spiritual state, it's actually feeling your instincts, it's absolutely essential, less proven, let me ask you a question .

Raise your hand if you've had the experience of having a strong feeling about something, then ignoring it, and then regretting it, just raise your hand, okay, the vast majority of

people

here, why is that like that? God feelings were given to us by nature to feel danger or safety that is what we have been given because we evolved in nature we all have done it there in nature we have all been there for millions of years and even our own species until our own species existed for an hour, then until six minutes ago we lived in the wild now, how long does any animal that lives in the wild survive without its instincts?

So it is essential. Park, what happens is a two-year-old is angry about something, he's angry because you didn't get a cookie before dinner, you know that if your mom or dad is doing their job, they're not going to give you a cookie before dinner. dinner, then you will get angry, well, okay, but what if your mom and dad read a lot of psychology books, Jordan Peterson, for example, who says that an angry child should be made to sit alone until he comes back to school. normal. Now the only way we develop emotional health is if we are allowed to feel everything. our emotions as children, including anger, pain, sadness, joy, but some families can't stand that maybe the father grew up in a home where there was a lot of shouting and can't stand the child shouting, so he gives the message that if you are angry, you are going to sit alone, in other words, I am going to threaten you with the loss of the most important thing for you, which is the attachment relationship, if you feel your feelings, you will become detached when you no longer feel your feelings. feelings, you can come back and talk to me well, not like a conflict or what happens if the parents are in conflict with each other, there is a lot of stress and the child just doesn't want to bother them with their own emotions, so now the child becomes the caregiver parental emotional by suppressing their own feelings, so there is this conflict between attachment and authenticity, so in that conflict attachment will always win and people will suppress their authenticity and specifically if they were not loved for who they are.

You are going to work very hard to be liked and if you want everyone to like you, please never say no, take on everything, be responsible for other people, never let anyone down, everyone will like you, but no one will love you because I don't know you so will work in this and not only that, then there are all the social expectations that you have to fit into and think like everyone else thinks or dress like the old dress or behave like everyone else behaves, you know, so there are all these pressures on you not to be yourself and then what happens is you get sick, you get depressed, you get anxious, you get cancer, you get an autoimmune disease, you get addicted because the pain of not being yourself is too much, so how do you become yourself again? same?

The good news is that the self you abandoned all those years ago was not deliberate or conscious and was never your fault, but what happens is that the self you disconnected from, which is the essence of trauma, is the disconnection from you. same one that never disappeared. It's still there and it's talking to you and it's talking to you through your body and it's talking to the theory of emotions, so it's a matter of learning to pay attention and at some point you have to make a decision as a child. I had no choice when I was there.

It was a conflict between attachment here and authenticity here I had to choose I didn't even choose because it's not conscious I had to go with attachment as an adult I don't have to do it anymore and yes, if I'm authentic I can lose some of my attachments some people to that they really liked me before they won't like me so you lose the attachment and you have the decision to make what you would rather have, who you would rather have in your life than yourself, that is the decision you have to make. I'm going to have to make some time like this Saturday.