Why Confidence Is The Secret To Great Leaders At Work & Home | Dr. Karyn Gordon | TEDxRyersonU

Have you ever wondered what makes a

great

leader at

work

and at

home

? Now let's broaden the perspective, what makes a

great

boss, a great manager, a great coach, a great father, a great friend. I think this

secret

is trust. Now when I say the word trust, what? I'm really talking about it's an attitude, it's how we think about ourselves and how we think about ourselves drives how we feel about ourselves, which drives our behavior and that's why

confidence

is so incredibly important. We also know that

confidence

is part of emotional intelligence. and there has been a lot of research into emotional intelligence and why it is so incredibly important.

I love the quote from Harvard Business Review that emotional intelligence and confidence increase. Are you ready? Professional success. Business potential. Leadership. Talent. Health. Relations. Satisfaction. Humor and happiness. This is the

secret

sauce this is the plan for success and the best part is that these are skills that we can all learn each of us can learn confidence is simply a set of skills that we can all learn and that is why this me so passionate about This topic has fascinated me and made me very curious about trust in the higher ground for the last 25 years. Although today I spend most of my time

work

ing with global organizations and

leaders

teaching

leaders

hip development, emotional intelligence, I began my career 25 years ago working with adolescents. and families at that time I just finished my master's degree in counseling, I did my doctorate in marriage and family, but 25 years ago I just finished my graduate studies and a local doctor asked me to establish a counseling practice within his medical center, so that's how I started and because I was so young I had all these amazing teenagers as my clients, but this particular day was a game changer she was my seven o'clock date, she walked in, she sat down, she was 17 at the time now if you saw this girl you probably think she has a perfect life, she has a good family, she's a straight student, she's on the student council, she's athletic, but in my office she starts sharing with me these really toxic thoughts that she told herself to herself. and there were many of them, but there were two predominant thoughts that he filled his mind with and here were two of them: I am not enough, I am not good enough and the second was: I am good enough, if I succeed, I get into this.

In college, I lose this weight, these people like me, and as a result of this toxic thinking, she was filled with insecurity, anxiety, and depression and was extremely unhappy. I would later learn that this is not a teenage issue, this is a human issue that I am actually having. the exact same conversations with my business clients and my adults and my professional clients I'm good enough if I make this amount of money I lose this weight I get this job promotion I have this amount of net worth I marry this person this is not a Teen Topic This It's a human issue and I remember looking at my client 25 years ago and I said, you know the fact that you're filling your mind with all these toxic thoughts, this is a problem, I said, what is your school doing to help you? and it was the way she looked at me, leaned over and said, karen, nothing and I remember looking at her and saying I'm going to do something and I didn't know that 25 years later she would be in this. little red dot giving a ted talk, so i thought i had to get some really good research.

I booked a few days off, so before the internet, 25 years ago, where did I have to go to do good research? The library, I know it is How old am I? I was at one of the universities here and I have a memory of myself at one of these long tables and I'm reading all the journals about the research on trust and how that affects leadership and decision making and I was I was blown away, all of it. it was there and I'm looking at it and as I was going through it, I saw this incredible pattern across the research, these three emerging attitudes started to appear and I thought I'd read it, oh, this is it. so powerful but it's in magazines, how can I make this come to life?

So I created a very simple concept, a very simple model that I call the three chairs. What you're about to see has been seen by half a million people in 17 countries, kids. from kindergarten students to Fortune 500 CEOs, because this affects each and every one of us every day, it's very simple, so I'm going to explain it to you and this is how it works and, in fact, just Before we do that, I'm going to encourage all of us here in the room watching at

home

watching with your families your teams ask yourself which one sounds like you most of the time, here we go, so the first one is what I call the attitude blind is the person who put themselves down, fill their mind with toxic thoughts, are critical of themselves, are blind to their own worth and worth, this is where my client was sitting, then you have the person I call them the disguised attitude They're stuck up They're arrogant They'll put you down They don't care about you Don't be fooled by the disguised attitude we've found Research says Michigan State University says arrogant people often use their arrogance to cover up their insecurity Don't believe the lies when people try to put you down and then you have the person in the middle chair this is the person who has a confident attitude and this is what makes them different: they don't put themselves down, but they don't put other people down they have this beautiful sense of respect for themselves and for each other. other people and because of this self-esteem this emotional capacity they elevate other people they encourage them they empower them they also have what we call growth mindset and humble mindset is a person who says I know a lot but I don't know everything so I'm going to surround myself with other people who know more than me and I will also be more open to listening to comments so these are the three attitudes no one sits in a chair 100 of the time that is a great question that I am often asked we are all moving but my question for you is where do you see yourself sitting most of the time and then?

How does that impact your life? I love teaching this to a variety of different audiences because every time I talk about it, people connect the chairs a little differently. I was on a podcast about a book I wrote and the podcast host, a very successful woman. the podcast tells me karen, everyone thinks I would sit here, but I don't actually sit here. I suffer from impostor syndrome and she is not alone. 70 people will connect with these two chairs. I was speaking at a business conference and a CEO comes up to me and says, oh, he says, I love this, this is great, he said, I love the model, it's so simple, he says, you're right, my best managers, my best leaders, they sit in this little chair, he says, but if I'm totally honest, I actually work, I sit here, but then when I go home, I sit here and my whole family is sitting there.

I was speaking at a high school and a senior comes up to me and walks up to me and says, Um, yeah, this is pretty cool, I actually didn't think I was going to learn anything, but anyway, it was actually pretty cool. well, so yeah, I see myself sitting here and he starts whispering to me and saying like no one knows. I'm fine, so how is it possible? He says: Well, I don't put people down to their face, I just like when I walk down the hall, I put people in my head, I guess it's the same thing and I think it's creative, but yeah, that would be the same, so it's really interesting when people see the chairs, they can start to see themselves in these different environments, so understanding the chairs is pretty simple, right, it's pretty simple.

Three attitudes where it gets really interesting is understanding how These attitudes remember the additives we have about ourselves, they drive how we feel, which drives our behavior, how do these disruptions impact our decision making and our leadership every day? This is where it gets absolutely fascinating, so based on research you can get a very solid education. I guess how people are going to make decisions in their life based on the chair they sit in. There are many areas I can focus on. I'm going to highlight a couple of them so you can understand this, so let's say.

I'm sitting in this chair, okay, let's say I'm sitting in this chair and let's say you and I are colleagues and let's say you do something that really bothers me, really offends me. I have three options if I'm going to answer you. I'm sitting here. I have a blind attitude. What I am going to do? I'm probably going to avoid you. Alright. I'm going to avoid it because I don't have the confidence to go talk to you. I'm going to avoid you in the dining room I'm not going to talk to you so I'm going to avoid you or I might talk about you So what did I just do?

I just created a triangle it's what we call triangulation it's also called backstabbing and it's toxic why because suddenly I don't respect you behind your back I'm creating a lot of drama and we're not solving any problems what's wrong yes I'm here? I'm going to do. I will come right to you and scold you and blame you because you are the problem. What if I'm here? What I am going to do? I will have respect for myself and for them. I'm going to approach them I'm not going to involve anyone else I'm going to assert myself I think I feel like I need it that's how I see it, how do you see it?

I will focus on problem solving. I will take responsibility. I will take responsibility and. Let's focus on solving the problem. So what's going to happen? We will boost our productivity and we will reduce our stress. That's what happens because everything is interconnected. Let's talk about relationships, that's another fun topic. Let's say I'm actually sitting in this chair, okay, let's say I'm sitting in this chair, let's say I'm 25, who do you think I'll be attracted to in my life in my relationships, my friendships, my partner and even a business relationship Which chair do you think I will be attracted to?

What we found is that if I'm sitting in this chair, I'm more likely to be attracted to someone who sits in this chair or this chair. If I'm sitting in this chair, I'm more likely to be attracted to people who actually sit here now. The fascinating thing is that when I explain that people like it, but that doesn't make any sense, Karen, if you're sitting in this chair. Why wouldn't you be attracted to someone who is going to lift you up? The reason that often doesn't happen is because if I'm telling myself really toxic thoughts, this person puts me down.

It matches what we found in the investigations. Unconsciously we feel attracted. to people who think the same way we do and that is why these two are often attracted to each other in relationships. I love talking about it at a marriage conference and honestly, I can't even begin to tell you how many times people get it when I explain it to them. at that moment people literally shout trash, it's like they suddenly understand why they chose a partner. um, they didn't realize it at the time. This is all deep within us, so let's get back to leadership.

So when we think about leadership, we think about great leaders who sit in the middle chair, they lift up, they encourage, they support, they take charge, they take responsibility, they want to help you be the best version of yourself and that's why having confidence is a secret for great leaders now I could stop there, I mean, that's what the talk was about, the talk was called why confidence is a secret for great leaders, but if you're like many of my audiences, you'll say that No, but don't stop there. karen, you said we can learn this, right, these are skills we can learn, yes we can learn them, so in the last few minutes I'm going to talk about how we can all learn to sit in the middle chair when we perform, there is a There are many ways to do it, but let me highlight a few.

The first thing I want us to focus on is that we have to be incredibly slow and think about the thoughts we tell ourselves. What are you telling yourself? and the thought that I would love for us all to really absorb is this, you are enough, period, no buts, no, if there are no ifs and buts, end of story, you are enough, period, I just want to absorb that for a second, let it sink in. if you really believe it. If you really believed it, how would you live your life differently? What would you say yes to and what would you say no to?

Who would you surround yourself with and who would you distance yourself from? What kind of courageous goals would you pursue? If you really thought I'm enough point this is something I've learned professionally this is something I've learned personally this is me in the 8th grade. I don't love the haircut I'm going to be honest, it's a bit of a bowl haircut and the line isn't even straight, but you know, that's not the point, the point is that I wasn't, I wasn't a happy girl, if I had seen this presentation in 8th grade, I would have completely connected with this chair for a long time. reasons, but the main reason was that he haddifficulties at school.

I found school really challenging and that's why my parents sent me to get tested. I'm sitting in this guy's office, he's an educational consultant, and he tells me in a very unempathetic tone of voice. Karen says we know what the problem is uh uh I don't know how to tell you that you have a learning disability and I think you'll be lucky to finish high school. I didn't even know how to process that information. I was devastated, I went home and I'm walking home and I'm so angry I'm angry at school I'm angry at this teacher I'm angry he doesn't like me he plays favorites he's a bad teacher I'm like blaming him I'm just like Full of anger and while I'm walking home and I'm blaming everyone, I'm full of anger and playing the victim, I had this very powerful thought that said this, Karen, you can't control the fact that you have this disability, but you can control how you respond, so what are you going to do? ?

And suddenly I realized that I am concentrating on the wrong thing. I'm concentrating on this instead of focusing on this. I can't control this, I can control it. I can control my attitude and I can control my actions and suddenly, as soon as I realized I had this burst of hope, I ran home, ran to my room, sat down on my thick green rug and started. Making a list of every single thing I could control in my circumstances, that day when my parents got home, I decided I was going to get help. I wanted to talk to the school.

They told me: What happened to you? and then I decided that the next one. In fact, that day I would meet with my guidance manager. I met with each and every one of my teachers. I have a learning disability. I really want to do it well. Could you help me? Could I come back at lunchtime after school? I stopped playing the victim. Stop playing. the victim, many of us can get stuck, we can focus on all the things we can't control, life isn't fair once we understand that and we concentrate on our focus, you know, we can keep looking at it, but it's not like that.

We don't really do anything we all have obstacles some of us have many others we have some but we all have things that we can't control the more we focus on it it makes us feel defeated the more we focus on ourselves it gives us hope and empowers us and that's the secret to learning to sit in the middle chair, so we must stop blaming, stop being victims, focus on what we can control, which is our attitude and our actions, and take responsibility, the second thing we can do. Can we set realistic goals? Setting goals is actually an amazing way to learn to sit in the middle chair, but you have to be careful, make sure you set a realistic goal, and give it everything you've got. you step on the accelerator you take the initiative you ask for help you strive for excellence not perfection you strive for excellence and then accept as best you can why because I am enough I am not enough if I achieve this goal I am enough period and with that you have a feeling of peace and what we found with this is that when people really have that mindset, they are more likely to achieve goals in terms of productivity and also emotional well-being because it's like a big package. like a bonus that when you focus on one you get two for free so powerful and the third is to seek feedback feedback is the accelerator feedback is so powerful the people in the middle chair are hungry for feedback why because they have that growth mindset I don't know , I know a lot, but I don't know everything, so here you are hungry for comments.

I'm fragile because I'm personalizing the comments. The person here is the one who votes, asks for comments. from your colleagues, your spouse, your children, your friends, what am I doing right?, what needs improvement?, use it as data to help us grow, that's what really draws us to this middle chair, this is a lot to absorb in a ted talk, but my hope is that this is that you feel hopeful right now you feel hopeful and inspired knowing that you too can become a great leader who sits in this middle chair when we act is like this No, easy, I never use the word easy, it is absolutely possible and this is the plan for success, thank you