Biden Takes Out Chinese Spy Balloon After Fox News Spends Days Freaking Out: A Closer Look

-For two

days

, the nation was paralyzed by an existential crisis the likes of which this country had never seen before, a crisis so terrible that it threatened our institutions, our political system, our very way of life. A waking nightmare that has left us scared and confused. A defining moment that has changed America forever. There was a

balloon

. To learn more about this, it's time for "A Closer Look." ♪♪ By now, you've no doubt heard of the Chinese spy

balloon

. He flew across the continental United States and monopolized media attention for

days

and made an electrifying appearance at last night's Grammys.

Well, it electrified everyone except Ben Affleck. How can you drink so much Dunkin' coffee and still

look

like someone stole your bike? Still, the balloon was all anyone could talk about after it was spotted in the sky Thursday and made a grand journey through American airspace. -The balloon has traveled for days from western Alaska to the Midwest. -Travelled thousands of miles across the United States. -It started in Alaska, the Aleutian Islands, Alaska, and then went down through Canada and crossed into the United States in Montana. -It was spotted here in Billings on Wednesday and is still on the move this morning, hovering over the northern US. -The balloon is probably somewhere over Kansas after sightings over Montana yesterday. -Today it crossed Nebraska and then into the Midwest, and was seen passing through Missouri. -From Idaho to Montana, to the Carolinas. -It was about six nautical miles offshore near Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. -First of all, we should stop calling it a Chinese spy balloon when a much more accurate name is a Chinese spy balloon.

The only way this balloon could have had a higher profile is if it had its own Instagram account. This globe traveled further than a high school senior who took a gap year before college. True story: You already have Diamond Medallion status at Delta. The next time you are seen in American airspace, it will be in first class. The writers all day were saying, "A balloon in a first-class seat with a glass of champagne," and our graphics department was saying, "Okay, I don't know what that

look

s like. I feel like your job is a lot easier than my job." There's something about the fact that it's a balloon that makes it very difficult to take seriously.

It would be one thing to send a fleet of fighter jets or a giant warship. That would be scary. But a balloon? Are they trying to scare us or cheer us up at the hospital? We should respond with something even sillier to baffle them. We should send one of those aerial dancers they have outside car dealerships... ...you know, but undercover, with a wig and a mustache. I like to imagine him as a British spy working for MI6 in a joint operation with the CIA. Your mission is to infiltrate the Chinese army and gather information about their best kept secret.

Do you think you can handle that, old friend? "You have it!" So, the topic of the balloon was the only thing that could be talked about for days. But it was an especially big hit on Fox News, whose human

news

balloons couldn't stop obsessing over it. -There is a Chinese spy balloon floating over the United States right now. -A Chinese high-altitude spy balloon. -There is, by the way, a Chinese spy balloon. -A Chinese in a balloon. -A Chinese spy balloon. -A Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Chinese spy balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon. -Balloon. -An entire chain became obsessed with the balloon, like a five-year-old at a birthday party.

Just to screw with Fox News, Biden should have announced that he was inviting the balloon to appear in this year's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Right-wing speculation became so feverish and out of control that Republicans and Fox personalities began making wild guesses about what might be inside the globe. -My concern is that the federal government, obviously, does not know what is on that balloon. Are there biological weapons on that globe? It is? Did that balloon take off from Wuhan? -The next balloon could be full of another virus. Pop! Drops everywhere. We're all on ventilators again. -There are many devastating weapons that could be launched this way, including the electromagnetic pulse, EMP. -Did you drop and scatter solar-powered surveillance products to enable unlimited surveillance? -I don't know.

Probably not? These people were so afraid of a balloon that you would think it was floating in a sewer grate. Was it filled with a virus, a biological weapon, an electromagnetic pulse? Did he drop solar-powered surveillance products on everyone's houses, so they can spy on you while you drink boxed wine and watch "Real Housewives"? Or maybe it's filled with delicious candy, piñata style, and if that's the case, why doesn't Biden tear it down? Are you waiting for it to pass over Delaware so you can get all the candy? We deserve answers and we deserve delicious candy!

And yet the silliest speculation was the incessant questioning, over and over again, of why Biden wouldn't simply shoot down the balloon as it floated over the continental United States. -Why haven't we shot this balloon from the sky? Oh, Joe Biden is the president. -I can almost guarantee you that that balloon wouldn't still be flying, if we were still there. -Why did it take US officials so long to bring it down? -You have to ask yourself why our army doesn't do anything about it? And it raises so many questions. I think of Joe Biden. Is Joe Biden engaged?

Is that why he won't let the military do it? There are a lot of things on that laptop that could have something to do with this answer as well. -That's right, they believe Biden waited to shoot down the balloon, not because debris could crash to earth and potentially cause harm or distraction to Americans, but because of Hunter Biden's laptop. As far as I know, the only balloon associated with Hunter's laptop is the balloon that found it. In your minds, what do you think was going on here? Biden's son Hunter was, in some way, compromised by China, so in return, Joe Biden made a secret deal with the Chinese government to allow them to fly a giant, super-visible balloon over the country for a few days before to tear it down.

If that's the case, I think it's actually a terrible story for China because it's a very bad deal. "We have informed President Biden of the dirt we have on his son. He was willing to make a trade." Excellent

news

. What did we get? Copies of top secret documents, access to their nuclear secrets? "No. Something even better. We have balloon access! For three days!" All right, I think we need a new negotiator. Also, do you think Biden is the one who is committed to China? Trump and his daughter Ivanka earned endorsements for Chinese brands while working in the White House.

Trump had a business and a secret bank account in China. In fact, Trump paid almost $200,000 in taxes to China over several years, while, in 2020, he paid no income taxes in the United States. And I know the right is upset about the idea of ​​us hiring more IRS agents, but it seems like there's a lot to be said about our tax system: Donald Trump could easily evade taxes here, but he still had to pay them in China. "Sir, we have to file our taxes in the US." Tell them I don't owe them anything. They will not. He's just a guy and he's very tired. "And what about China?" Oh, send them every penny.

I would hate to lose access to my TikTok account. I finally learned all the dances! In fact, just to give you an idea of ​​how stupid the right-wing discourse has been about this globe, several Republican politicians, from former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to Congressman Paul Gosar to failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake , and Senator from Ohio. J.D. Vance posted photos of themselves pointing guns at the sky, hinting that they could shoot down the balloon themselves. My favorite of these is J.D. Vance, Yale-educated, Silicon Valley venture capitalist, dressed up as one of the guys from "Duck Dynasty." Nobody falls for your tricks, friend.

Check out the newly purchased Bengals hoodie. You just know the label is still on it. You look like a Hollywood wannabe auditioning for a remake of "Deliverance." And then, of course, there are a group of Republicans who claim that the stupid balloon saga would never have happened under Donald Trump, and some even went so far as to claim that if it had happened, Trump would have shot down the balloon. immediately. Lauren Boebert tweeted... And Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeted... Based on the kind words Trump always had to say about foreign adversaries, I believe that if a Chinese spy balloon had flown over American soil during his presidency, Trump would have tried. to become friends with him.

To this day he told stories about it at his rallies. When I was president, he got along very well with all the floating ships: zeppelins, airships, dirigibles. I love airships. Blimps love Trump and, of course, and of course, the balloon. We love the balloon, don't we, friends? I remember one day I was in the Oval Office when a Chinese spy balloon floated down and entered through the window. Big balloon, strong balloon. Tears falling down his latex face and he told me, he said... And I said, "It's so true. It's so true." But you know what? They are right.

This would never, ever have happened under Donald Trump. -US. Officials tell Fox this is not the first time Chinese spy balloons have flown over the United States. About four months ago, a Chinese spy balloon crashed in the Pacific near Hawaii. Others were seen in Texas and Florida, dating back to the Trump administration, but had never been publicly acknowledged before. -That's right, balloons flew under Trump. Worse yet, they were blown up at Mar-a-Lago. The incredibly silly balloon melodramas exposed how empty and silly much of the right-wing media discourse is these days. They all lost their minds over a balloon, demanding that it be shot down immediately without thinking about the possible consequences and implying that there was some dark conspiracy at play.

And then once Biden took him down, he contradicted his talking points and burst his... -Balloon. -This has been "A

closer

look." ♪♪