S2 EP 6 Jill Sherer Murray The Power of Letting Go For a Better Life

you are listening to the valuable woman podcast you are about to hear the story of a woman who follows her dreams and passions and creates positive change in the world if I am going to be in this space and not have a partner and not get married at the age of 42 years, well, I'm going to have a great

life

anyway, I'm going to find a way to be happy and joyful knowing that there are many ways to be happy in

life

, so I really feel happy about that. I really learned to live by that and it was truly one of the best things that ever happened to me because that ability to learn to be okay and more than okay on your own is freedom.

My guest today is Jill Shearer Marie. TEDx speaker and influencer, she is the author and founder of let go for it, a lifestyle brand dedicated to helping people let go for a

better

life and businesses let go for

better

communications. She has an amazing TEDx talk called The Unstoppable Power of Letting Go and it has been viewed millions of times. Her book, which will be published in May 2020, is called Big Wild Love. She wrote it in response to viewers who reached out to her for help and inspiration after watching it. she talks so let's talk about that and much more today welcome to the show Jill thank you Andy thank you so much for having me.

I'm excited to be here talking to you and I'm so excited that you were on my other show it was the last one on the four state radio and we hit it off and I'm just a kindred spirit let's have our healing totally, absolutely, I'm looking forward to it to chat again, yeah, so we always start with what a valuable woman is to you, okay first. Most of all, I love that you're doing a valuable woman because it's a really important message, it's huge and especially in my work, and I know you see it in your work, it's a concept that's really foreign to a lot of people and it needs to be a lot more prominent, so for me being a valuable woman means that I love myself with everything and that I transmit that love for myself every day and every choice that I make for myself, so it is remembering who I am and what is my Lo What's worth it is when I go through challenges, happy moments, sad moments, compromising moments or potentially compromising moments where I constantly have it in my mind and you know, I say that because it's very easy for us to always go back to those old times. reflexes and habits that we have lived with for so long, so being a valuable woman is really a very conscious choice that I make every day and it is not always an easy choice, but sometimes I have to remind myself that no, come back to this.

It's who you are, remember come back and fortunately I know a lot of valuable women at this age and I have to say I think we all have some of that, it has become very reflective but I think there are those moments where we are really tested and pressured where we have to remember that we were valuable women and Allah, I mean, I even love that phrase because it really is a complete sentence, yeah, and I love that you brought up the struggle to stay in your

power

in your worth and the truth is that It's not about always being there, it's about remembering who you are at your core and knowing that no one else can find it this way.

It's very interesting for me to ask this question because everyone has a different vision and I The love that we wanted, yes, it's the internal critic is so big and it's one of the things that I work with clients a lot because we go there, we go there with all those voices that do not see us and take away our value OB. I've had those voices my whole life, yeah, you know, it's not like you just turn around in a week and say they're gone. I mean, you know there are some voices, I know for myself, there are some voices that I've been able to say.

I like that, okay, see you, but there are some voices that I will live with forever, so I say instead of trying hard because what can happen is that I can't get ready this morning. I can't get rid of them. I'm bad. I'm horrible, I can't get rid of this terrible voice instead of saying, you know, okay, voice, I know you're here but I'm going to win, so I know you'll show up and I'll recognize you, but in the end. on the day I'm going to win my voice will rise to the top instead of pushing to release all the voices because sometimes we just can't do that, it's hard, you totally know that and we learned.

This is in coaching school, but you can't really eradicate the inner critic, you need containment. What you're saying is that some of those places are going to come back and then if you get to the South, you get hit by the fact that the voice is there. just perpetuating those inner critical voices is like when you can't sleep at night, you know, and then you just lay there like, oh my gosh, I have to sleep, obviously, I have to sleep and then you're like, okay, I can't. sleep I'm going to read I'm going to do this I'm just going to accept that I can't sleep and I think you know it's remembering to say that it's remembering to do that and I think that when you are a valuable woman Accept and accept that those voices will sometimes live next to you and it's well as long as the new ones at the end of the day make your own decisions with your own voice, yes, and not with those other voices, and then that's it. work, he's definitely work and sometimes it's more than others, yeah, and you and you know, when I work with women, I give them the tools so they can ground themselves and they can get back to it, so we do, there are some, There are so many things for you. can you learn mm-hmm help us get over that and I think you were in my room last night at 3:30 in the word I had a stuffy nose and I'm trying to fight it.

I have to go back to sleep and then I said yes and I grabbed a damn tissue and I was just like crazy and I stayed in bed for a couple of hours but I got up, I said I'm ready for coffee and right at the start of my day , because? Not that yeah, stop fighting and you know I'm going to crash it tonight, but okay, okay, it's cool 9 o'clock. Wow, that's impressive. I can do it that way. I'm leaning towards 8 o'clock. 'clock time now let's get into it and I know okay this is your thing yeah so let's get into that moment when you realized your worth because yeah you made a big change in your life many years ago .

I did it, I did it and you. I know, and before I even tell you that, I will say that I think I have moments of valuable women all the time, but this really was the beginning, so to speak, it's like the beginning of my part of the valuable women's life. So I was in a relationship for 12 years with a wonderful man who I loved very much and who just couldn't give me what I wanted. I wanted to get married and he didn't and it was really a common story and I spent many, many years ignoring what I knew to be true, which was that he was probably never going to give me what I wanted, he was never going to marry me and I rationalized why it was okay, I said well, you know, I have two, you know two. graduate degrees I have no idea where they are, so what is a piece of paper and a marriage certificate?

And I had a good person who knew that he loved me and he was smart and kind and handsome and I didn't have to. being alone and really in my mind I felt like this was probably not to let him down, but this was probably the best thing I could do for myself and that's why I never left. I stayed and stayed and stayed and became even more unhappy, but in a way I would push that unhappiness towards him I have something like a beach ball, you know, hold it down, hold it down, this is, you know, it would convince me The same thing that I'm not conventional, I don't need the conventional life, this is perfect for me and then we had talked about taking a very big step in life with others, we didn't even live together and he was supposed to meet me in an apartment in the one that we were going to see them living together and he never showed up. and that was the moment and I think it was a moment where it happened because the AI ​​was ready for it to happen, you know, I call it my epiphany moment, epiphanies, I talk a lot about epiphanies, I think they are critically important.

I had a lot of them along the way, little ones, little ones, I called them like little earthquakes, you know, there were like little tremors in the foundation, but I pushed them aside, I pushed them aside, but this one I was ready to see and it was quite big. and I realized in that moment in a stranger's bathroom where I was literally on the bathroom floor, it was cliché, but that's where we do the best we can, you know, cry and feel self-pity and realize that I had to change, it was an epiphany. I couldn't stop looking and so I made the decision right then and there that I had to change and not only did I have to let go of this man that I loved deeply and desperately, but I really had to let go of an entire life that I had in that city. because if I had stayed there it would have been too easy to go back and forth, you know, he had been, he had been such a huge part of my life in that city, so I uprooted everything, I left my job.

I sold my condo, I got rid of my beautician and my dog ​​walker and my gynecologist and all the people I loved and I left my friends for proximity, you know, in terms of being close and I just moved closer to where my family. New Hope Pennsylvania, which is a lovely little artist community, what I mean was literally leaving Barnum and Bailey Circus to go to Gilligan's Island. I mean a huge change of life from the city to this small one that all I'm saying is that I lived in the country. with New Yorkers it was, you know, this Tokyo cramp zone and I really, you know, worked a lot on myself in terms of stopping looking at it and asking questions about why it doesn't give me what I want and really taking ownership of the fact that Why am I looking for someone else to tell me what I didn't like?

That's up to me, you know, that's up to me, what I choose and how I behave in the world, and that forced me to Sandy even look back. to the men I dated before him who were just terrible, I did some really bad ones just for myself and I always looked at the other person, ads may work, they were terrible people, you know how they could do it, but at the end of the day you know which is like that. It really comes down to the decisions we make for ourselves and I learned that very intensely and for you to really know that I say he won't show up was really a great gift to me because I really needed to have that moment and from there you know I really learned a lot. about me and I really came to the conclusion when I finally moved.

I've read in my entire life and said, you know if I'm going to be in this space and not have a partner and not get married at the age of 42 well, I'm still going to have a great life. I'm going to find a way to be happy and joyful knowing that there are many ways to be happy in life and so I really lived by that. I really learned to live by that. that and it was really one of the best things that ever happened to me because that ability to learn to be okay and more than okay on your own is freedom, it's just freedom, yeah, well, so I want to reflect on some things, yeah.

I love the epiphanies and the little earthquakes that you had, but I think that in video reflection many times when a relationship ends you have the space to look back and I've seen it even with girlfriends where something was wrong and person. It never quite showed up and then something happened that was a catalyst for it to end and in my opinion a relationship that is really based on a solid foundation doesn't end just because of a misunderstanding or a narrow thing, it has to be something big and the foundation generally not very strong, but I love the metaphor of not showing up because she didn't show up physically but she didn't show up in other ways either and one of the mottos of the valuable woman is she shows up, she stands up and speaks and that's what she does that someone is really completely present and someone who is not going to give you everything you need is not a bad person but he is not the right man for you that's right, that's right and that's hard and you know it's a hard lesson , I think for people, because everyone has the right to their preferences, he absolutely had the right to what he wanted.

You know, and even if I know in the moment, he'd say, well, if you don't want this, you know? you should let me go but it wasn't up to him to choose that for me it was up to me to say okay if you don't want that but I'm going to let me I'm going to let myself go I'm going to wish you the best and thank you for everything I've learned from you and everything you've given me. You have given because he gave me a lot, but now we have to part because we just don't do it.

I want the same things yes and even after we broke up we stayed in touch as friends because he was a wonderful person, it's just that you know the feelings we had for you, there was always love there, it just changed and I think it's very interesting. when I talk about it because people will say well how could you even talk to him? How could you have evil? And I and I said again that he was a good person, that he had the right to what he wanted, that it was not his responsibility to make sure he had what he wanted, yes, and he was always honorable, honorable, but it's very difficult.

I think sometimes people think that you know it's an all or nothing proposition and you don't have to let go of anger or hate, but that's really it. It just reminds us that well, no, actually you know I remember Dr. Phil said this once years ago and I remembered it when I got divorced that when I stillYou are very angry mmm you still feel too much for the person just when I left it was with complacency it was yes, I ran out of strength. I can't do more and I think it made a big difference and I once did it with someone who kept telling me your husband was an idiot for leaving you like he just wanted to get mad at my ex and I kept saying I don't want to go there like he was right , he why he insisted that he was an idiot, right, it said more about him, my day, hello, yes, my ex, yes, but what you said and I really want to highlight this because it's really about taking your

power

back and absolutely when I've seen so many women come to me who are stuck in these relationships and they keep saying they keep coming back, they keep breaking up and coming back and then they say why can't he just don't take me over and over again giving all the power to that guy, TRUE?

And I remember that moment for me because he used to be that woman you know and we all used to do it. You realize what it is that you need and you're really strong in your values ​​and what you need to thrive in the world, you start to get rid of all the excess, you know that it's no longer working and it's stopping you from reaching the well and I think so. , I completely agree with you. and there's also an element of being more than okay with being alone, yeah, it's like it's a consolation prize. I mean, there's also a lot, there's a lot of joy in being alone and there's a lot of work to do when you're on your own, yeah, I feel like you know the time I spent alone was a recovery time for me, it was a chance to not have than worrying about compromising or meeting someone else's needs, it was a wonderful opportunity for me to just be and really get to know who I was and what my role was in you know, for lack of a better word, the relationship failures that there were. had over the years because it certainly wasn't always about The one thing all people had in common was that I was fine, so what was I doing that was Dreiling or sabotaging my own efforts and how can I make some important changes ?

It also gave me a chance to really think about what I wanted. What did I want from love and from my life and for myself? I couldn't have done any of that, that deep reflection without having to worry about how it was presented to someone else or how I might have been feeding that reflection so there wasn't a lot of freedom in that and I'll tell you that and I'm sure I still you found this too. You know, many years ago I was weight loss tires for Shape magazine, so like a crazy person I put my weight in a national report. magazine twelve times more than once twelve times the magazine gave me access to a body image psychologist once a month for an hour, which was phenomenal, it was just incredible and one of the things I will never forget she told me was you know when people lose something so you know what she was talking about, you know losing the ability to eat or the ability to be sedentary and not exercise or maybe losing friends or people in your life as a result of those lifestyle changes. life or a job or you know someone we love, most people are rushing to fill that void, rushing to figure out how to refill that cup, but actually those are the golden moments for us to fill our own cups and that and only when we can do that for ourselves can we not only be the best partner for someone else but we can also attract the right partners, the kind of people that we want to have in our lives, and that's why I talked to him and I. say great, you know it's good for you, you're alone, that's wonderful, like, how are you enjoying that moment, how are you being the best you can be, because what can really be wonderful is being alone, yeah , I so agree with you and It's so scary for so many people.

I have many clients who are petrified of being alone and have gone from man to man to man and become unconscious. You know you're just filling the void and you're coming from a place of scarcity and not about yourself and very well, but I think it's such an important piece that you know how to take that time and take stock of who you are, what you need, what you want, live. your right eye first and that's the first thing I think of. What you have to do with clients is you take a break from dating and you go and dress men because we have it great, we all learn a lot when we date and are in relationships, you learn a lot about ourselves because you absolutely just are in the way of thinking and the way of studying the rest of your life, right, and some people get stuck there too, but a lot of people think that the reason they don't have love is because it's not in the cards, right, because they are not. enough and what you're saying and I really agree with you is that it's not that we're not enough, it's that we haven't fully shown up, we haven't shown up first for ourselves and then for others, so people have. you know who we are, you know and it's like you see the beauty and so many people inside and out and how people hide it and hide it out of fear for past pains and that's what comes out, that's what people feel well, you know if you know some absolutely, you will immediately know the guards, the shields, you know, that's for love and once you can learn the tools to lower those shields as much as possible, well, yeah, I mean, and the thing is, it doesn't even really matter, it really doesn't matter what you look like or how old you are or what you do, if you're down to earth, you're confident and you're self-assured, that's very attractive to the right people. and very unattractive to the wrong people, right, so you know it's another, it shouldn't be the only motivating reason to do it, but I found a really wonderful byproduct of being self-assured and confident is that it's unattractive to the wrong people. people. that they're not in the same space as me, yeah, and that's a gift to me because they're not, they're not the right partners for me, you know, it's like we're looking for people that we're looking for people that we're the same we want the people find us where we are and where we want to be is our healthiest and most loving place or as I say now our great wild and loving place because only then will we return to ourselves that same caliber of person and I know I will tell the people you know , although that may narrow your options on some level because you're not looking for someone with a pulse who can drive at night, but rather a quality person who will actually give you what you need. you need and most importantly allow yourself to be all that you are by giving back because that is a big part of it.

I mean, I can tell you if I think about all my relationships. I spent so much time afraid of being all this to them, you know, I mean holding back, I mean, think about how uncomfortable it is, it's like I go home and say take the right Spanish, like take almost like take mental spandex and Yes, your personalities are bad, yes, yes, because you just know that you want to. being able to be you and not have someone just accept that you know I've heard women say well well he accepts that I'm like that and I'm like accept yeah you know Maya's been a champion and Bree I mean he's like he.

He loves all the crazy things I bring him, all the great personality and never boring things that come our way and that is so important, women need to be able to not only receive love, but we need to be able to give love safely and fully. as we need it, I agree and I believe that many women and men have problems receiving. I think yes, we are givers, that is very ingrained in who we become in life, because yes, that is rewarded. You know, I'm already giving you, I'm giving you. until you're exhausted, you don't even know why you're giving, but you think it's an obligation that you have to give and you have to give and then you don't receive and then you resent it and then you know there's that hole. right now, so I think learning to receive and for women it's part of our physical being, we are meant to be receivers, you know well about men who have vaginas, you know well, so you're going to go, are you saying what is so? true it's very true it's like it makes us uncomfortable but you know it well and I see many women apologizing at home I'm sorry I'm sorry but no they're not sighs you're right stop apologizing please oh please yes and I think that's it This is it and this was just a discussion in my Facebook group today about a woman who was told by a friend of hers that she looks too much like a man and she didn't even ask him what he meant by that, but my feeling is, first of all, all that I should have been curious instead of feeling defeated and deflated and what's wrong with me oh yeah and like he's giving you a reflection that's really painful and so many women are perceived as so independent and with all these guards up and they're really good at do it and they are successful in business and it's the right night, so receiving energy where a man feels like he can really show up and be a part of your life, that doesn't mean it's already been done, a lot of these women aren't creating that . space, yeah, you know, yeah, it's hard to shift gears, yeah, yeah, but it is, yeah, we're asked to be, you know, I mean, increase our masculine energy in the workplace depending on the jobs that we there was, yes, and it can.

It's going to be hard to change the subject, you know, and go back and remember that it's okay to be feminine, it's okay to let someone take care of you, yeah, it's someone you know and that doesn't mean you know I'm going to take care of you here, but you know what, On some level, it's still wonderful when a man does certain things for you and you know my husband brings me coffee in bed every morning and says thank you. I received that gratitude when receiving this coffee. I know he's probably waiting for me to tell you.

I really mean it's like the little things that you know we can leave for them, you know, let them pay, let them open the door, let them know what's there? I mean, I'm a modern woman, I'm a strong woman and I do a lot of things. of things for me, but I think I'm probably old-fashioned in a lot of ways, like when we go out, I like my husband to drive, I mean, and he likes it too, it's like you have to figure out where that balance is. It's in that relationship that you have with that specific person and there's a balance and that's the key word, so yeah, you do everything, so he would show up and it would go well.

I fit in, I don't know, right? I was a member of gilmoregirls, right? Did you see this? I've never seen him. I know people love that show, but I did watch it, and I watched it pretty late. You know, I think on Netflix or something, and one of the things that really stands out to me is what a mother she was. A single mother has raised her daughter her entire life, you know, alone. I remember this scene where she says: I'm so tired of doing everything alone. I just want a man in my life to help me and yet she crosses the line.

Like this, every type of woman can do it and that's right, it really caught my attention because that's where I see so many women struggle. Yeah, yeah, let's go to the next chapter because you talked about your husband, so you left this guy. See, yeah, the blanks, I'll fill them in. So I came and came back to the east coast and started again and when I felt ready after not that long because I think I had been brewing abandonment for so long. With my previous relationship, by the time I got to the strangers' bathroom floor, I had come a long way and I knew what I had to do and I started to let loose, so I dated online, which was a fascinating and interesting experience.

I know it was interesting because of course I had been in an arrangement for 12 years, so before I was in that relationship, I mean, there was no such thing as online dating, so I remember the first time someone wrote to me, I was so Horrified as I found myself, I entered the bathtub and drew the curtain fully clothed. I was convinced they could see me. I thought, "Oh my God, that's happening," but you know, it was a very interesting experience because I was able to feel those old kinds of limiting beliefs, patterns, and behaviors. coming back up when I got back into the dating scene after having done this work on myself and figuring out who I was and what I wanted and what I was willing to accept in the world and there's one guy in particular that I really, really liked and he we would have these great dates and then he would like to go underground for, you know, weeks and then he would burst in like on a Saturday morning and send me a note that they want to have dinner and I would do it.

Did I say yes three times, three times and said Oh Jill like I thought, well I'll be here when he's ready and we can do it and then I said oh sweet, no, no, no, and then when he came the fourth time and I said, you know it's cool, but no, yeah, I was able to feel myself, so to your point, eventually at some point you have to go back out there and remember the changes that you made, which I made and then ended up knowing. my husband, my now husband and I knew quickly when we met that he was going to be the kind of person that I mean, you know?

This is what happens when you reach 40 and you're older, you don't need years to know if someone is the one you're just not looking for you're not looking for the same things you know you're not looking to start a family you're not looking for you like building you know how to buy your starter home no you're like you. You're not looking for that, I mean, you're really looking for someone toWhat did my husband do? And I do, because that's what he always does and it's true how much longer you're willing to stay right, you know? She has seen me jump without knowing what is on the other side.

She knows that many people do it and for some reason she is afraid to take that leap. Yes, not everyone who has role models, those who see it, those who know it, can do it well. I mean, I've seen it in people too and some of the people in my own world and I just go through my process and say, "You know." I just refocused back on OK, can I spin this or can I go back to What do I want? That's the question that I always read turns me off because I think a lot of people really struggle with some of that, it's difficult, although yes, it is very difficult.

You know, it's a process of evolution and growth and something that we all have to experience in our own way on our own timeline, so if you know if there's a person you can grab, if there's a person, I mean, you know . People come back to me and tell me I did it, I let it go, it was amazing, life is so much better, so I'm Matt and that's enough for me, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm very, very sorry. I'm really surprised. I have the door closed and it all comes back down here, but okay, we're almost done, we're ready for the lightning round yeah, I love the lightning round, I love this, okay, so a couple of questions and then we're going to wrap it up. okay fill in the blank I used to think I wasn't blank enough thin enough pretty enough good enough enough what was the main thing that was stopping you from becoming a woman of worth oh my god so many limiting beliefs about not being fed pretty enough or good enough, yes, I think you know, you universally think that I should take everything I could get, yes, because it was all I could get at the beggar's table, yes, that's me I, there I was, mm-hmm, I don't believe it.

I'm sure you'll eat from the banquet, you have the right, what are the crumbs falling off? Give me some of those, especially yes, especially with the 12 year relationship. I mean, it was like he was wonderful, but still, on some level, he was the best. I could do it because he didn't make it there, but anyway, yeah, you have the banquet now, yeah, oh yeah, what's the mistake you made that taught you an important life lesson? Oh, that's a good question. The mistake I always made was expecting to have a really bad set of criteria for dating, the main criterion is if they like me, you know, if they don't have a hunched back or like something, you know, I would say yes, if they like me. cool I liked them mmm good Chris oh yeah yeah I know really for all of us here for us as people like me right yeah look down on anyone yeah exactly so what's the best advice that Can you give it to a woman who wants to have more power? start in the mirror start in the mirror you know, ask yourself what you want don't be afraid to ask that question.

I find that many people don't want to ask the question because they are afraid and the answer because if they know they answer and then they maintain that what they have is not what they want and then they really have to do something, so ask yourself what you really want and do What you have to do to believe that you are worthy of it and that it is available to you is very important, often people say they want something and their belief about getting it does not match at all with what they write and it is true that you have to give it up. a look at that because your belief system is pushing away what you want and you already know.

I actually talked about this in my book because there's a great study that Match.com did on this, where they looked at how they could perfectly match people, but then they based it on what they said they wanted, but then when they matched them, It wasn't really what they wanted. I wanted to, so I made up a name for this like a medical condition name for this book because I suffered from this for a year, so yeah, you know what you want and if it's really what you want, what's the name, sorry, Well, I know what your name is. it can be opened I call it Romanus is offline it's interesting on another level people come to coaching thinking they want this thought what they really need is not this is like that it's different we finish the therapy yes the problem is never what is right, it's true , I'm I come here for validation because I want to leave my husband because he's an idiot and I want you to tell me I'm right, let's talk about you because you can't, oh my god, right, I love that you just said I can.

I'm not waiting for you to read my books, Andy, because I actually have a part of one of my chapters that actually has that exact situation, that's all I'll say, go ahead. I can't wait for you to read my book, okay? fix it, he's the problem right now, yeah, okay, finally and this is the legacy question, how would you like to be remembered? Oh well, that's a great question. I used to answer that question by saying: tell them I was too thin, but I don't say that anymore, I just want them to remember me for being useful.

Really, with those people who are really stuck, I really do it as the person who wasn't afraid to tell the truth and try to help other people through being him. Honestly, I mean, that really sounds very Pollyanna, but it's really where I am right now. I will say it's not Pollyanna, it's amazing, it's not very common for people to present themselves honestly with a sense of humor and in service to others. so many so many times because you're out there you're doing it you're not hiding you're taking risks emotional risks by leaving the corporate world by leaving a relationship that didn't work out that's how we get what I want, but also inspire others because you do what you say, yeah , sure, yeah, thank you, thank you for that, that's nice, yeah, well, thank you, thank you for coming on the show today and inspiring.

I loved it, more people, oh, it was so much fun. I always loved it. talking to you if you want to go deeper into your value get a free copy of the ultimate guide to becoming a woman of value on my website the calm woman of value just click the link at the top of the home page and If you haven't you haven't yet, so make sure you click the subscribe button and you'll be listening. If there is anything in this episode that inspired you, please share it with others because the more we share these inspiring stories, the more value we will have for women. world I will see you next time