Jimmy Kimmel’s Oscars Monologue 2023

we can't execute this guy we have to reject what we need altitude no we don't pull the ejection handles the moment I tell you I don't want to pull the handles I don't want to pull a hand I'm not going to pull what wrong with this guy you're wasting why are you like this Tom thank you ladies and gentlemen your host for tonight Jimmy Kimmel on thank you thank you thank you thank you give me a second to adjust my danger zone here my banshees are trapped in my inner court right now, it's okay, I'm welcome and congratulations, welcome to the 95th Oscars, we did it, you did it, congratulations, I know being here tonight is a dream come true for most of the people in this room.

Thank you for inviting me to be a part of this, especially this year when the world finally left home to see the movies you worked so hard to make the way you intended them to be seen in the theater. I want to see them too. that Nicole Kidman has finally been freed from that abandoned AMC where she has been held captive for almost two full years. Now it's good to have you back Nicole and thank you for encouraging people who were already at the cinema to go to the cinema. They look great, they all look so great when I look around this room.

I can't help but wonder if ozempic is right for me. We have so many first-time nominees here in the acting categories alone. There are 16 first-time nominees, including Jamie Lee Curtis, including Anna De Armas Colin Farrell Michelle yeoh Brendan Fraser look if we've won. This is, I think, a great piece of Oscar trivia. 31 years ago, in 1992, Brendan Fraser and Kiwi Kwan were in a movie together, remember what movie was Encino Man, two actors. from Encino Man are nominated for the Oscars, okay what an incredible night this must be for you two and what a difficult night for Pauly Shore, maybe it's time to reboot Biodome, why not all the top 10 grossing movies of this year were sequels? or franchises say that Hollywood is running out of new ideas.

I mean, poor Steven Spielberg had to make a movie about Steven Spielberg. Congratulations Stephen, check this out by the way. I want to say right here that this is my favorite duo of the year, Steven Spielberg and Seth. Rogen, what a pair, Joe and Hunter Biden from Hollywood. Seth, what are you up to now? Be honest, nothing multiplies, right? Did you give one to Stephen? Give him one, let's see what happens, maybe we'll do something crazy. Stephen claims that he has never smoked marijuana. which I find hard to believe, you mean to tell me you were sober when you made a movie about an alien who eats Reese's Pieces all day and doesn't remember how to call home, you were high as a bike when you made that movie, Steven is the first one on record to be nominated in six different decades for an Oscar.

This time it's notable, since you know, he's nominated for Fablemans, which is by far his most personal film. They say he writes what you know and they say he also writes what you know. your mom did it with your dad's best friend and Stephen did that and the result was another Oscar nomination for the great Michelle Williams, who is there in Michelle and the Fable men's it wasn't an easy shoot for Michelle after almost all the shots that Spielberg would make. running towards her with tears in my eyes and he was screaming like that's not how mom said it.

I also want to congratulate Steven's long-time collaborator, Maestro John Williams, who is now the oldest nominee in Oscar history and looks great. He has become John. John turned 91 last month and he's still scoring, if you know what I mean, from Raiders of the Lost Ark, do yourself a favor, another, uh, only Walt Disney, this is great, only Walt Disney has been nominated for more Oscars than John Williams. 53 times and nominated 53 times, he won five, which honestly isn't that great, but good luck tonight, it was a very good year for the movie business. Business is booming. I know people like to debate now which is better movie or television, but here's the thing, no matter what.

A good show is that there are some things that movies could do that television just can't, for example, a TV show can't lose a hundred million dollars. It's the Babylon gang, here you know. I was just asking if you were here. I was welcoming them. at least Babylon came out in August, you know, Batgirl became the first superhero to be defeated by an accounting department and then we had the big one, the long-awaited Avatar the Way of Water, which gave the director and producer Jim Cameron another chance to do what he loves to do more than anything else drowning Kate Winslet is the most expensive movie ever made Disney spent two billion dollars on this movie Just to break even all of Nick Cannon's children they had to watch Avatar four times and they did it I guess James Cameron didn't Here, by the way, tonight you know a show is too long when not even James Cameron can watch it.

Some of the cynics say Jim Cameron isn't here because he didn't get a Best Director nomination and, well. I find it very hard to believe about a man of such profound humility. He is right. I mean, how come the academy doesn't nominate the guy who directed Avatar? What do you think he is a woman? Thank you ladies! It was some year ago. For diversity and inclusion, we have nominees from all corners of Dublin. Five Irish actors are nominated tonight, which means the odds of another onstage fight just got way up, and while we're on the topic of diversity, I want to say especially to those of you.

Watching at home there are a number of excellent films and performances that were not nominated tonight, including Till and The Woman King, both based on true stories with excellent performances from Daniel Deadweiler and Viola Davis that are very worthy of your time if you have . I haven't seen them because it's a little indie movie called Top Gun Maverick, the movie that saved the movies that everyone loved Top Gun, y'all, I mean Tom Cruise with his shirt off and that beach soccer scene L Ron hubba hubba, you know what I say, you know? Tom and James Cameron didn't show up tonight, the two guys who insisted we go to the movies didn't come to the movies, so if you're hoping to see Tom Cruise, he's not here or maybe he is. that's Tom Cruise right there wearing a Judd Hirsch Mission: Impossible mask there's only one way to be sure Judd we're going to need you to drive a motorcycle off the roof of the theater you know who else is here uh they write excellent Rihanna is with us this night Rihanna earned her first Oscar nomination for the song Lift Me Up from Black Panther wakanda forever last month she performed at the Super Bowl and tonight Rihanna will be performing at our halftime show in about four and a half hours from now Rihanna has a nine month old boy backstage and he's so cute, he pooped during rehearsal.

You know, the last person who pooped backstage at the Oscars was that accountant who mixed up the envelopes. Rihanna is here. Lady Gaga is here. Wonderful, my goodness, even Elvis is in the building tonight. there's justin butler austin as you know this is the first time i was soaking zelvis yet this is a good hollywood story before they started filming elvis tom hanks gave austin an old typewriter as a gift and on it tom He wrote that he left a written note. from Colonel Tom Parker to Elvis, then Austin used the typewriter to write to Tom as Elvis Presley and they met sending letters back and forth as Elvis and Tom, which just shows how incredibly silly this whole thing is.

Dumb jobs, but Austin, you're so talented. I know Elvis would have loved your performance, and in fact, according to my Q Anon Reddit page, he loved it. We know this is a special night for you. Why don't you have fun? We love you. to feel safe and, most importantly, we want me to feel safe, that's why we have strict policies. If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence at any time during the show, they will be awarded the Oscar for best actor and allowed to give a 19. Minute-long speech, no, but seriously, the academy has a crisis team if something unpredictable or violent happens during the ceremony, just do what you did last year, nothing there and do absolutely nothing, maybe even give the attacker a hug and if one of you gets angry with a joke and you decide you want to come here and get nervous, it's not going to be easy or some of my friends are going to have to go through first, you're going to have to go through the heavyweight champion.

Adonis Creed, before you get to me, fight Michelle, before you get to me, you'll have to beat the Mandalorian before you get to May, you'll have Tangled with Spider-Man, you'll have to go. have to tangle with Fable man and then you'll have to go through my right hand, Guillermo, if you want to get to this point, wait a minute, wait, that's big, saying the other Guillermo, no, no, that one, no, Del Toro, Yeah. That's okay, there you go, I know he's cute, but make no mistake, don't even wave at me, that sweet little man will beat the tar out of you, Lydia, that's okay, there will be no nonsense tonight, we don't have time for shenanigans, this is a celebration of all present, you told us you wanted all the categories to come back and we listened, they are all back, that's right, tonight we will show all 23 categories live, except for one that was done earlier tonight , the best photo went to All Quiet on the Western Front, congratulations.

In Germany we brought back all the categories because the movie community wanted them almost as much as the TV community didn't, so I'm not complaining about the length of the show. I watched all your movies, now it's my turn to make you sit down. in the theater for three and a half hours that doesn't mean we don't want to hear you speak, we want your speeches to be moving, we also want to keep it moving so the speeches go on too long this year, no. Instead, we're going to play you outside the theater. stage, we have a group of rrr movie artists who will dance you off stage if you take too long, we are going to Bollywood, we are going to throw your ass off, so let's get this started, please welcome our first presenters of the night Dwayne Johnson and Emily Blunt