Accepting Crumbs in Relationships is a Survival Strategy from Childhood

Something beautiful to me about people who are abused as children is that the desire for love and tenderness remains alive in us even when other people leave us, even when we piece together the finer pieces of

relationships

from whatever is available. and we accept. these types of

relationships

that fill our time and we try to act calmly when the emptiness within those relationships becomes too obvious to avoid and yet we feel love and want to be loved, there is an urge and pain in people who pretend to be fine in these relationships. Acting like the

crumbs

they're getting are enough should be enough, right?

Have you done this when they treat you like you're not important? Do you turn on yourself and wonder if it's just me? Am I waiting too long? Too needy, am I unreasonable? Am I going to be abandoned again if I say something that is the voice of trauma in you? The real feeling underneath that is not need. It is a natural tendency towards love and you could settle for less, but if feeling that sense of injustice in your heart that when you opened your life to this other person you deserved better than a casual acquaintance now it is true maybe you did not choose well or you didn't set boundaries like a non-traumatized person would have but it's the most beautiful part of you that longs for that love, it keeps coming back like a dandelion through the crack in the sidewalk and it comes back because no matter what happened to you.

In the past, no matter how much I warped your path and crushed your expectations, you were made to be loved and

accepting

crumbs

might have been your way to survive, but now I want to help you change those terms, no more crumbs and I want to talk about it today. . Okay, so my letter is from a woman. I will call Celine and she will text me Hi Anna, please can you help me decide if I am in a healthy relationship or not? Because I can see strong arguments in favor of both. I have cptsd since

childhood

during which I was bought and sold for sex most of the time.

I spent it at my parents' house and going to school, but sometimes I spent up to three months abroad with abusers. This has left me with a lot of self-esteem, confidence and shame issues, as well as money-related issues, might be relevant to this. day I'm 49 years old she says I still can't decide if my parents are evil or just weak and victimized. I know they treated me very badly. I'm circling a couple things with my fairy pencil because I'm going to read it. I'm going to go back to some key points because I think I can help you with this Celine thing.

Okay, three years ago I moved to a new place. I had a responsible job working long hours in a different city, so I didn't get to know him. many of my neighbors beyond the surface level the man who is now my boyfriend i will call him anthony is my next door neighbor. I saw Anthony for the first time when he was outside struggling with something when he was moving in three years ago and we were surprised. eye through his kitchen window a different neighbor left saw me struggling and came and helped me I don't know if it was that Anthony didn't realize I was stuck or if he decided not to help me when I asked him about it he didn't .

He doesn't seem to remember that Anthony and I had a drink together one night and, although I liked him, it didn't lead to anything and anyway, I was too busy with my work to think about continuing a relationship that we finally got together eight months ago after my job ended in difficult circumstances it was summer I started spending a lot of time outside in my garden and he was working outside on his windows and I felt there was a very strong sexual attraction I hadn't been with a man for 16 years and I didn't think that I would want to do it again, so it was a wonderful surprise for me to discover that I could still feel that way.

We had drinks together outside a couple of times and chatted. He invited me to dinner at his house. one night and he made a nice meal, I asked him if it was a date and he said no. I invited him to dinner at my house a couple of weeks later. He was flirting quite a bit but he didn't make a move in the end. That night I asked him why he hadn't done it and that's when he finally kissed me for the first time. The next time we saw each other we kissed a lot. He wanted to go further but I was afraid of how he would react if we did this and it lasted a couple of weeks until I wondered why he hadn't taken the next step when he finally made a move.

I panicked and said we hadn't even been on a date. He said we were going out. on a date and we did it immediately we walked to the nearest restaurant a place I know now he doesn't even like us having dinner sometimes he seemed completely uninterested in me even bored when the bill came I had my card ready to pay my half but he didn't He took his and allowed me to pay. I feel uncomfortable about this, especially since I just lost my job, but I didn't say anything. We returned to his house and had sex.

The sex was great. He was gentle and. considerate and still wanted to go out with me the next day he told me he had liked me since he met me but thought I was unattainable we had been dating since then for the eight months he took me to meet his parents three times and most of his friends many times, after we had been dating for about six weeks, he told me that his ex-girlfriend had texted him and told him to let me know that they were still secretly friends. I hated this immediately, but I forced myself to focus. about the fact that I'm still friends with two of my exes and I don't have any feelings for them and why it should be different for him at our age we all have baggage, one day they were apart for four years When we were walking he got a text text and told me that even though he hadn't asked his ex to have his record player and wanted me to pick it up, about three months later he received another text and said the exact same words I asked him about this. and he didn't really respond a few days later, he took me with him to see his ex to pick up the record player, but he didn't tell him I was coming and he didn't ask me out of the car and he parked on the street, so he didn't even let us We saw each other and I wondered if the trip was to cover up a lie, about four months into our relationship while he was away he texted me saying he loved me but when he came home and I asked him about it he was pretty abrupt and he said that he had already told me how he felt since then he has told me three times but only one of them was without me saying it first sometimes he is very affectionate and tender with me but sometimes he seems distant almost cold then I noticed that his ex sent him a lot of text messages.

His phone was constantly on while we were together and he started putting it on silent when I saw him reading the messages. I saw that they were very, very long. When we talked about it, I said I understood. We were still friends and he said that when I said we were friends, we lived together, we lived together and we didn't finish the sentence, I understood that to mean that he cared about her because she has serious mental health problems and has no friends, so he accepted a job. According to her, he is a builder, which meant he would be working on her house for four days.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with him doing that, but he said it was just for the money. My problem really started the other day when it was from Anthony. We were talking about her birthday plans and he said that it was awkward for him to have to act cool around people because I might not be okay with them and I told him that if he wanted to invite her along with the group, that would be fine. With that he said he would, but he didn't think she would come, she came, stayed with us all night, we went back to a friend's house for drinks afterwards, she was the life and soul of the party, shopping drinks and charming everyone I approached.

She and we chatted and she said that Anthony had only dated one other girl before her and that she felt strange and bad seeing him with me when she left. She shared a taxi with a friend of hers that she had met that night. I was relieved when Ella left, but I was pleased that I handled it without losing my center. One of Anthony's friends asked him about her leaving with a partner and asked him how he would feel if those two got together and Anthony, who was drunk, responded very slowly and decisively. He loved her and I still love her as a person.

There was a stunned silence in the room. I tried to make light of it and asked him if he had been interrupted mid-sentence and another friend tried to help with it but Anthony said no, he didn't want to make a fuss in front of his friends or ruin his birthday so no. I said nothing the next day, I was hungover and it still didn't seem like a good time to ask him about it, but I found myself outside and couldn't hide that I was upset. I told him that you're supposed to fall out of love with your ex before you start dating someone again.

He just shook his head and said no, he was wrong, it's me and he hugged me. and she hugged me and I asked her if she is with me because she is very defiant and I am very passive and eager to please and she said no but she didn't explain that she was desperate to be confronted and I let myself calm down. for him, but I don't think he's really addressed my problem, it feels like his heart is hers, he's always stumbled when saying he loves me, but when he said it about her, it was full of quiet conviction, she seems like a Much better match for him since I'm still disconnected from work and don't have to be financially successful or family or many friends.

Am I being too needy with this? Is it okay if he loves us both? I don't want to sabotage something good, but neither do I. I don't want to settle for a half-hearted love and I don't know what it is, Celine, okay, Celine, I got you, let's go over a couple of things you told me in your letter. I'm not going to read it all but let me get to some key points so first of all we bought and we sold it's interesting to me how you said this so matter of factly and that sometimes you would go to school and be at home with your parents and then at Sometimes you went to a foreign country. for a few months to be trafficked and yeah of course you have self esteem issues, confidence issues, shame issues and money issues boy you just said that effortlessly and like yeah there's the backstory and I know what it is compartmentalize something like that. so you can go with the story and not be defined by it so I'm proud of you for not being defined by it but oh my gosh what a background what caught my attention is that you said to this day that you can't decide if your parents are evil or just weak and victimized, so if they were trafficking you, honey, they're not victims, they're not the victims, I don't think any person is really evil, but they go to an evil place and do bad things and Sometimes you never get out of it and because you are confused about it, it seems like they are gone or they certainly never took responsibility for what they did to you, which is one of the most serious abuses you can do to another person. by your own parents, so I'm very sorry for what happened and I'm going to go ahead and put that aside and let that be an understanding of why, like with many of us, some of these things are hard to detect for you. and you navigate well so three years ago you moved to a new place where you worked all the time you didn't really know your neighbors but one time you were struggling outside with something that was very heavy and this guy anthony, who is now your boyfriend, saw you and he just took off and sometimes I think the red flag appears in the first second it was a red flag at first glance, right, he saw you struggling and took off and another neighbor helped you, but who would you meet with the guy who took off? and I just see that you know you were prepared to be able to tolerate that and I'm just wondering if maybe you're being too hard on people when they treat you that way okay so I would say flat out if a guy sees you struggling with something heavy and just walks away, that would be a red flag, no, there is no relationship with that, it is not who you want to be with because and not just because of gender, like anyone, what is a partnership is shown in that kind of spirit of help and support towards another person and when they fight that's why two people are better than one because individual struggles really need a friend sometimes so he showed you who he was with that, but like you say, he said he didn't even remember, I I ask, that also has echoes. what we hear about him later in your story I don't know, I don't know, you know, I'm like this hapless guy bumbling around, I don't know what's going on, so it's okay, then he'll always be your next door neighbor. complicated and they had a drink together one night and they liked him but it didn't lead to anything and they were busy and didn't want to pursue a relationship but they finally got together eight months ago after his job ended so they were out.

It wasn't that busy and it was summer and you were outside in your garden, he was working outside, it sounds like one of those movies, you know, and an attraction blossomed and yeah, that's a happy thing, you still feel attracted and that's wonderful. , this is life that springs eternally. It comes back to you so it's a good thing, that force of nature in you is a good thing. You had a few drinks together outside a couple of times and you chatted, so I'm just going to comment that it's very normal.let people have drinks together right, but if you have cptsd and have issues with boundaries, I would just suggest not drinking, not drinking on dates, or maybe not drinking at all.

The thing about alcohol is that it distorts your perception and lowers your inhibitions, which is what cptsd already does, so cptsd plus alcohol equals cptsd behaviors, that's what I'm saying if drinking normally isn't a problem for yourself and you are in a very safe situation with people you trust and there are no emotional landmines around you while you drink. being with people is not a problem but doing it on a date doing it when you like someone is basically saying I don't want these horrible inhibitions and boundaries and stuff, I don't want them, I just want the wind to blow where it blows and see where it goes and I'll let it go. .

Go here and I know a lot of people, especially you heavy drinkers, are going to reject me, but it's true, so I didn't drink for eight years. I'm not an alcoholic, but I didn't drink for eight years. years started when I stopped smoking cigarettes I knew what I would have to do and I realized what a big difference it was making in my ability to make conscious decisions in my life to stay away from unhealthy relationships and I loved it and I didn't stay drinking until my kids were, I don't know, in school, it was basically, you know, I ended up having, you know, pregnancies without alcohol, there were so many things, no cigarettes, no alcohol, yeah, right, I felt really good about that and then I reintroduced it. and it wasn't a problem and it's something I almost never do to this day.

The way my cptsd and wounds interact with drinking is that if I'm already sad about something, it will make me sadder and I know some people have that. of a different answer, like it takes away sadness or cures depression, not me, if I'm depressed, I'm falling, so I have to stay away from that, it's only for super safe happy moments and not much, that's me, is it? Alright? you hung out, had a few drinks, went to his house a couple later, your house you were flirting, you asked him what was going on, you're not going to make a move and finally he kissed you so I don't think there's anything wrong with that. the beginning of a relationship, it's just that now that we know where he went, we can see that he was planting the flag of someone who does not take responsibility for starting a relationship if he had really pursued, asked you out, paid, yes, paid for your dinner, all that stuff, it would be him volunteering for that role in your life, but on dates it was always you who had to do it delicately, I don't think you went overboard at all.

I'm proud of you for asking questions, but you always had to ask if this was a date you knew you had to give up your credit card so you were facilitating this towards dating and it sounds like he didn't have the motivation to push that forward and he let you into his life, he did, but he didn't do that crucial thing and most people need that, I've certainly found it in men, they need to have a part of the relationship from the beginning, they have than to reach out to her, that activates his ability to fall in love and if they don't get it, it seems very likely that they will fall in love and I have had many opportunities to test my hypothesis, okay, so they got together and there was a lot of kissing, but he still didn't move towards sex and you wondered if something was wrong, you thought you knew it would be his role to go, come on, let's take it to the next level and he didn't and I heard him talk about it and that indicates something there's something he's not telling you about why what's he holding back um but I would just say that for one reason or another he didn't feel good about it or he would have when he finally made a move you panicked you said wait we haven't even been on a date and this is like classic upset. in the relationships of our time there is a whole pattern here this happens to so many people but there you are, you've been dating someone so many things you've been kissing for weeks, it's time for them to go to the next level in your mind and yet , you've never been on a date like What's up with that?

I just want to come in and give a big shout out, I mean: dating, being someone who needs to be courted beyond someone who dates. See if you take my dating course. This is where it starts. You must like it. Write what you want and then I will help you set up an appointment. slow path of dating structured so that you can be open and receptive to what you really want and stand up for what you want and be honest and open about it, but don't do it too fast, don't try to manufacture this great relationship out of Someone you barely know , people without trauma, do that all the time, we do it too, but for us the consequences are terrible because we lose our boundaries very easily due to the attachment wound and then the abandonment wounds, you know, once we we find. some kind of shitty relationship that we can't leave, we won't leave, we'll do anything to make it work, we'll keep making fools of ourselves, we'll stop having standards, we'll blame ourselves, we'll do all those things so you don't have to face the end, a lot of us We do it, so there's no shame in it, it's just that when you're ready to be happy, it's time to stop doing it, so when you said we need a date, he said, cool, we'll do it.

You went on a date and you went straight to a restaurant he didn't even like like he couldn't even be bothered to do something he liked, it was like here was your date and you paid for it and there was something gross. I didn't feel good at that you took out your card you thought it would be Dutch I don't even recommend that you do it many people will say that I'm not a feminist I'm totally a feminist I'm such a feminist that I don't like men to bother me and I allow them if they want date pay and I wouldn't pay for a first date with a guy, I just wouldn't do it and when I stopped doing that things totally changed in my love life, it sends a strong signal if you have a pattern of committing to having to do everything work and having to ask all the questions, like doing something new for yourself and just not doing that.

Don't ask guys out, don't pay, just let them come to you, let them show you that they would do it for you, let them show you what their intentions are through that ritualized action, there's nothing old-fashioned about that, it's totally charming have it. someone takes you to dinner very nice and of course you don't owe them anything for all the boys who are going to go oh well women you just know take advantage and you want dinner it's not true it's not true it's called courtship it's a The good thing is that it's something good and We lost it in the sea of ​​everything else that's going on and we can get it back for ourselves without having to change other people and I promise you that when you stay in that position of someone who respects themselves.

The person who is dating but needs to be asked needs to be treated properly, so you will be asked and treated appropriately, don't even worry, okay, you are going to repel people who would only give you anything less than that. . shine on people who would give you more than that, okay, that's how it works, so you had dinner, you had sex, you said it was great and he wanted to go out with you the next day and then he told you something that sounds really manipulative in the light From what we know about him, he said he liked you since he met you, but he thought you were unattainable, so okay, maybe that's true, but it doesn't seem like that's the reason he was so reluctant to get involved with you. , I think it's best explained by his entanglement with his ex, you know, that's how someone who is broken inside feels alone, maybe they don't want to be with some ex, but they feel alone and they want to have a partner, but It really can't be delivered.

They are not emotionally available They are not emotionally available to the ex or to you and that is a limbo that people can live in for a long time. I've done it, I think it's really a common thing in CPTSD, I don't know if. he has cptsd, not really important here, it's just that yeah, he thought you were unreachable. I appreciate that he introduced you to his parents and his friends often. That was great, that means he was open to you but not emotionally correct, so that's okay, so one of the reasons we could have is that he has an evasive personality and it's just not his style, but he feels that way about you, that is certainly possible, but it is very difficult to be with avoidant people.

I wouldn't recommend it unless you are really aware. that affects you aware that it's a style where they're working to meet you halfway, that's a good thing to do, you know you might have a more anxious attachment style where you're always trying to check in and take the temperature and They like me and he is more like trying to hold back here, so I will tell you a secret: you can still have a good relationship with an avoidant person, but as the person who is anxious and chases them, it is better to stop chasing them. because it's the chase that makes them anxious, makes them feel like they have to walk away, so sometimes all the questions make them walk away, but in telling this you almost never asked him anything, I think your questions and your moment of questions It was important minimum true real so I back you on that if he couldn't deal with it I just think he has a serious availability problem I don't like that he was abrupt with you by asking if he loved you after the first time he told you. and he told you on the phone, so that's what it seems like, I noticed that his love stuff happens from a distance, you know, he started crying about his ex when she wasn't in the room, you know? and then he cared about your feelings when you said I think you belong with her you know something's wrong here then he showed you he told you he loved you when he was away so that's what an avoidant person could do, like he could express those feelings when There is a big space between you but day to day you can't and this is very painful for someone who has been abandoned and traumatized like you, you know that you were left in another country and abused while your parents were just waiting and I wasn't.

I know I got money from it, oh my god that's so bad. I could see how it was similar to your way of surviving, which was to break down the belief that it could be bad to think that yes, you don't deserve it. being treated in a normal and ordinary way, whether as a little girl or as a 49 year old woman, which is like vanilla, vanilla is very good and by vanilla I mean the normal and usual cultural way in which people date or raise kids, right, never, I'm not going to keep going back to your

childhood

, it's just too disturbing, it's too disturbing, but you can certainly feel the damage coming and the way you question your judgment here and I just think you're doing something amazing one day you're walking and he got a text and she said come get your record player three months later he gets the same thing he said the same thing and you put it in italics so I think you were suspicious that I was lying.

I guess she got the benefit of the doubt maybe she just didn't get the turntable the first time but what comes through to me loud and clear is that this woman is trying to hook him up right now and it's working but she is constantly manipulating and texting and she's not emotionally upset and she needs him and the record player and the record player oh my god he's still here you have to get him and then what he did was codependently not take you to meet her not let her know you were there make you have to deal with that like he's afraid of making her angry, so you mentioned very lightly here that she has some kind of emotional problems, so how is she like a borderline who is so charming and wonderful and nice and then just him?

He's going to kill himself or something, that's the impression I get, so it's easy for those people to take him hostage, but I guess after his birthday, when he was drunk and there was alcohol there, and that would exaggerate all kinds of confusing thoughts. , so I mean who. among us sometimes you don't hit an if you want to start." Your life again in the relationship department. I would invite you to set a new standard. End all your friendships with exes, even if you have no feelings for them. End those relationships and be prepared to meet someone who isn't involved with any exes either.

Those are ideal, very good conditions for getting to know someone so that you can discern very quickly whether this person to me is this relationship that I'm looking for and there's not just a bunch of side drama about other people and questions about that. The presence of exes usually means emotional unavailability and if it's someone who is an ex whose child's father is constantly at war with them, that might not be their fault at the moment, but it creates unavailability, it's like something you have to assume, it is notorious. relationship killer or if you have a bunch of friends, people you used to sleep with and you're all supposed to be okay with it, I'm not okay with it when I was finally honest with myself about it, I just said no.

I'm not totallyI agreed with that and I was giving it away but I didn't like

accepting

it so that's what I changed in my life when I got ready to have a real relationship to stop all the shitty relationships and pave the way for The truth is I stopped having friends where there was some kind of vibe, anything that would cause my potential partner to feel jealous and the man showed up. Now I'm married to him and one of the things he announced to me is that and I wasn't even expecting this, I wasn't even very clear about it at the time and he just said something that I'm going to do while we're dating, it's just so you know that I'm not I'm dating an ex.

I don't like going out with other women having lunch with them or whatever I want I'm here to find out if you're the one for me oh so direct right if you're the one for me and I'm not going to hinder you with a bunch of things that they might make you jealous because that's going to interrupt our process of finding out if we're real, so that was heavenly, I loved that it didn't make us get together instantly, it was still like a big process that lasted several years, but I never had to deal with it until Today, I don't have to deal with that and what a relief that is and now I look around like it's so common in our culture to say oh yeah, you're supposed to. be friends with all these people now, sometimes there is a purpose in doing it because of children, usually children, maybe an illness or something in an ex, so sometimes there is a deliberate reason to stay connected with them, but if that causes jealousy, just know you're going to do it. pay the price in terms of emotional connection and that's fine there and you don't have to settle for that so yeah she was texting him she was attracting him and then he agreed to do a job for her and I just didn't I don't know, I smell a rat, this little job she needed was done for her, it just sounds like she's trying to get him to stay with him, she definitely does and he said yes and I wouldn't like it either and I think at that time.

I may have been very clear by no means, but here we are, so he had a birthday and then he said he loved her, it seems like he did, then she comes and she was so lovely, right? I'll only tell you something if you ever are. You and the ex come to a man's party and his current partner takes a backseat. Don't be the life of the party. That's totally inappropriate. Take a back seat. If you're an ex, man or woman, I don't. I don't care who you are. It's inappropriate to come in and try to steal the show, that's hurtful manipulative behavior, don't do it, so I'm not lecturing you, I'm really lecturing her and she's not looking, but that's really boring.

I feel for you how horrible you must have felt all that time just getting over it, you said okay, sure, honey, okay, and then he didn't think she would cum, I thought your language was so funny, he didn't think she would cum." She came and stayed out all night and everyone was drinking and it was so much fun and every once in a while, what does she do? He leaves with her friend in a taxi and at that moment I'm so convinced that she's just there trying to get him. She's so manipulative that she's trying to hook him up and make him jealous for leaving with her friend.

Her chain was torn off. Surprise. You know, I almost don't even blame him for that part, but you know he's been setting it up. drunk and one of his friends said: how would you feel if they got together? because it seemed like they were and he was hurt, right, he was hurt and he says he loved her, I always loved her as a person, he tried to qualify, but we know. what he is saying, her love has been activated just the way she designed it and the reason why he is not with her is what you mentioned here and I think it is her emotional instability.

It sounds like it was a drama show and it ended four years ago and she still is. trying to hook him up and he still hasn't set limits on his life moving forward and he's ruining it with you so here we are so the next day he was hungover and you didn't think it was a good time to talk I love your judgment isn't it good to talk to a drunk person maybe not even a hungover person but you met outside and you couldn't hide that you are upset and you know when your neighbor is with someone yeah what are you going to do right?

I have to like seeing everyone's comings and goings and then when it doesn't work out, someone has to move away for these things to happen. I know, but it's really, really hard when it gets to this painful point so you asked if he was just with because she was so defiant and you're passive and eager to please and he said no and you were desperate to be comforted and you let yourself. He calmed you down, but you don't think he didn't broach the subject and that sounds like his deal, he gives you enough crumbs to make you go away, no, no, it's okay, it's okay, it's you, but he doesn't come close and it goes.

I'm so sorry I did that. That must have been horrible for you. I'm not going. to keep doing that, I'm totally serious about you and I don't want you to have to feel jealous, that's what you needed to hear and he didn't go to listen either, you know what I'm just here for convenience. so take it or leave it, that's what his actions say he's there for convenience you're there he likes you a lot he in a way loves you but he's not in a place where he can give himself to you I promise you this doesn't work with the ex to work no matter what it's not going to work he has emotional availability issues and you're with him and it's very understandable that sometimes you're attracted to someone like that and especially since you had been kind of avoiding relationships for so many years sometimes the person you It only has a little bit to give well we can only handle a little bit so it seems like it will work but it turns out there is that little dandelion of hope in you that you are capable of loving you would like to be loved and I encourage you Celine to listen to that part of yourself and honor it honor that part of you let it return I know it opens the door to a world of pain and problems potentially but this is your heart's desire speaking to you, drawing you and with a little structure and a little conscious decision making before If you are in a relationship, you can follow a very different path and it can be better than this, you are in a relationship. situation now because you live there and you're going to see him, it seems like I know you're out of work right now, but it sounds like moving and going to a new place would be good and cutting ties with this person is progress.

I don't want you to beat yourself up, you had a relationship that was a half-hearted relationship, but maybe it's time to set your sights higher on everything, like true love, okay, so if you're watching this and you feel like you were affected. due to trauma when you were a child and it is affecting your love life. Check it out with these symptoms I list in my relationship quiz. You can get them on the free tools page of my website linked below and if you want to watch another video on how parental abuse and neglect can prepare you to be a secondary partner to someone you love, then I have this video prepared for you right here and I will see you very soon.