Summer Series: Emotional Mastery with Dr. Joan Rosenberg

Hello, I'm Michelle Shelfond, psychotherapist, holistic life coach and human like you, learning to face life's challenges with more than 25 years of experience. I teach people how to be healthy using the adult chair model. The adult engagement model is where simple psychology meets grounded spirituality. teaches us how to become healthy adults, from anxiety and depression to codependency and relationship problems. You can use the adult chair for almost anything each week. I share practical tips, tools and advice from me and a wide range of experts on how to get unstuck, how to live authentically and how to truly love yourself while sitting in your adult chair welcome to the adult chair podcast hello everyone and welcome to the podcast from the adult chair I'm Michelle Shelfon happy to be with you today in the second week of August, this is the last The week we published our

summer

series

, these were some of your favorite episodes and today we have Dr.

Joan Rosenberg, we're talking about

emotional

mastery

. This was also one of my favorites, so that's it for our

summer

series

next week. I have a brand new program for you with Dr. Stan Tatkin. We're talking about a relationship, so you don't want to miss that one either, but for today we have a phenomenal show for you, one that I could listen to many, many, many times. You know, I love talking about emotions and Dr. Joan Rosenberg brings us so many phenomenal tools and ideas on how to become an

emotional

master, so without further ado, here we go with Dr.

Joan Rosenberg, let me tell you about the podcast I had today with Dr. Joan. Rosenberg, it was amazing, we talked all about emotions, how to feel emotions, the power of emotions and she has some new things for us, yes I love it, I have to say she is a researcher and man she knows what what it does about emotions and I had a lot of validation about what we are doing here in the adult chair and I also learned some new things, in fact this never happens because I am a talker and I have to say that I act with absolute probability, I don't even remember how many times was it I was speechless a couple of times during the show, which is hard for me to be speechless and I was speechless by what she shared.

Oh my gosh, that's good. I wanted to drop my mic if I could, but it would have been too loud and probably hurt. Your ears, I wouldn't have done that, but a few times I was like, "Oh my God, it even made me cry, so wait to hear that's from the middle to the end, but wow, what did we talk about when it came to compliments. Mind-blowing." blowing things out, but other than that we talked all about what we do well with difficult emotions and how confidence influences that she actually has a formula for this which was brilliant and she talks about the eight feelings or emotional states and why she explained why. talks about those and not the others, we also address why people believe that if you feel an emotion you will be stuck in it for weeks and months or maybe even years and the fear that is around it, we also move on to fear and anxiety, for of course, and she's got something she talks about when it comes to grief, you don't want to miss this, as well as imposter syndrome, let me tell you, we covered a lot in this hour and it's, I mean, her.

There's a ton of information and what we talked about is so many different ideas that you'll be able to apply today, so I know you're going to love this program. I can't wait to hear what you think about it and, as always, I appreciate it. We all share the program because we want to get these messages out to the whole world to help the whole world heal absolutely, that is our mission here, so let me tell you a little more about Dr. Joan Rosenberg, she is the best psychologist. Bestselling author, corporate wellness consultant, and media expert, known worldwide as an acclaimed speaker and trainer on communication, trust, resilience, authenticity, and grief.

As a three-time TEDX speaker and member of the Association of Transformational Leaders, recognized for her innovative emotional

mastery

and trust-building approach and for her thought leadership, global influence and personal development, Dr. Rosenberg has served as media and mental health consultant for documentaries, print radio, television and digital media. She is a professor of psychology at Pepperdine University. Here we go, probably honestly. I have to say I have a lot of favorite shows, this is one of my favorites. You are going to love the program. Here we go with Dr. Joan Rosenberg, so welcome to the adult chair podcast.

Dr. Joan Rosenberg. Thank you so much. I am delighted to be here, thank you, yes, I was while I was sharing with you. It is a great honor to have you. You are someone I have followed for many years. I am someone who is passionate about not only. feeling my own emotions, but also with clients and with all the people that I work with in the membership and in my certification program, we need to learn as humans to feel our emotions and we are not good at that, so I would. I agree with you, yeah, so it's very exciting to have you on the show.

I'd love to start with you. I love hearing a little about your story and how you got here. How did you become passionate about your work and what? What you're doing today, well, you know it goes back to my childhood, it wasn't everything, yeah, but at least I'm willing to put it out there. Yeah, you know, I started out as a shy, introverted, probably exquisitely sensitive kid and I also had the experience of not feeling like I didn't fit in and that I didn't belong and that I was bullied and all those kinds of things don't make a great combination and I would, constantly.

I would look at my classmates and see them laugh together and the sense of belonging and you know they go out and chase things and the first thing that stayed with me is as if I wanted what they had or what I perceived they had and for I was left with a first question, so I mean, in childhood and that's how someone develops confidence because it wasn't happening through osmosis. I couldn't support them and understand it. If I had really had to figure that out and when I entered my professional life as a psychologist, what happened then was I noticed how much difficulty people have in dealing with unpleasant feelings, I mean, it was just right in front of me and as much as our thinking can change things, I found that difficulty healing feelings made things even worse, so the second question I needed to investigate was what made it so difficult for people to deal with unpleasant feelings, and as time went on, I'm talking over time over decades, what I realized is that the answer to the second question about unpleasant feelings is actually the fundamental answer to the question about trust, so for me the ability to manage unpleasant feelings It is really the basis of trust, so how do you define trust?

I think trust is the deep sense, so I've rephrased it differently than others, it's the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome, so those are the feelings of whatever you're facing or whatever you're dealing with. opposite. go on, I'll let it sit, okay, that's powerful, um, and I'm thinking about your backstory, uh, childhood story. I think a lot of us like what here's a question, let me, let me. I have three questions and I'm like, wait, which one do I want to ask you? I'll probably follow you guys, I'm a train listener. I'll follow you guys, well here we go, first of all, I want to comment on your backstory, which one am I?

I was also very, very shy, I didn't talk until I met almost anyone except my parents, until I was six, you know, and even then I was terrified of going to school, but you take that extreme, but even the children who look like them. If you're in the group or the confident kids, I think a lot of kids struggle with that feeling of belonging which is like when that ego develops as we go through life we ​​all feel like I want to belong to that group and then I even remember being in that popular group, I still didn't feel like I belonged, it's a feeling of oh, you know, it still doesn't feel right, would you say most people go through that like it's just growing up?

If I. I would say that now, but when I was a kid, I didn't talk about that kind of stuff and I didn't know how to talk about that stuff and I didn't feel like I belonged to any group, so yeah, yeah, so it was you know, yeah. I definitely think most of us have these questions about if I really belong or where I belong. Okay, so question two, do you think that influences or causes a large part of us to start dismissing or numbing our emotions? No, i do not do it. I don't necessarily think those two are combined because a child might come home and say I'm having a hard time fitting in, yeah, and a parent might be very receptive to that and that's not okay, let's find out.

So no, no, I don't think the two necessarily go together. I think it's, you know, we don't necessarily think about starting to talk about there's no two things, one we're not necessarily someone in our life. necessarily facilitate that with us and the second is that we don't necessarily think to mention it, yeah, because because there's a you know, it's like again no, I would have to stop and think about why that is like that, but uh or what can The It might really contribute to that, but we hold back and don't think to ask those kinds of questions or say those kinds of things, and as a result, we walk around feeling the pain but having nowhere to take it, yeah, you know.

When I think about how many parents, especially at least when I was a child, I mean, I felt very loved in my home, yet I don't know if anyone ever sat me down and said, "Well, let's talk about that experience you had." today". I know you don't feel, you know, I remember a boy bullied me on the bus too. He put clarinet grease in my hair. I can still see it. He was about 10 years old when I was getting off the bus and he took his clarinet grease and smeared it on me. in my hair and I was like and I remember going home and you know, the parents didn't know what to say, but yet I'm having all these emotions and I think most parents don't know what to do with these emotions.

I know, at least again, maybe it's changed today, I don't know, maybe you can enlighten us on that, but it's like eating a cookie or, oh, that kid is an idiot, or you know there's judgment or let me numb it so We Learn because you know as babies we have emotions so what happens along the way is parents don't validate or what happens to us is we learn not to feel and express our emotions well. I think we are socialized in many cases. we are socialized not to do it and in other cases parents are not psychologically aware and empathetic enough to respond in that way.

I think it's getting better. I think there is certainly more literature. There is more knowledge. There are more people involved in bringing. practices in schools again when there are opportunities and then the schools are not in a survival-based situation, so the schools that obviously have ample resources tend to put that type of education in the schools at an earlier age so that children getting more empathy training, they're getting the culture itself, they're trying to work to change the culture of the school, so there's a lot of things that are different now, uh and certainly like at least in the United States, uh.

Generally speaking, despite everything that is happening, we are a more psychologically aware nation, yes, and there are more things that are available in the broad knowledge base, so to speak, so people seek their own growth, etc., so I think there is We are leaning in the right direction but it needs to be formalized in a particular way and the truth is that parents have to do their own work. Amen, yes, we cannot help, we cannot help our children if we have all of them. this wound or we're projecting or we're triggered by what's going on with our kids, yeah, and I just my next question was like, okay, what would you say if there are parents listening and thinking, oh God, you know?

I need to be able to make sure I'm helping my children feel their emotions correctly. I know what he would say. I would like to know what you would say to that. Although yes, I would say I would say something somewhere. I say, or I guess I would tell you something similar, but parents have to do their own work, yes, and you have to learn to feel their own emotions. I mean, yeah, but and yeah, they do, so we. re socialized to um the other direction is that we're also socialized how much in the media is like going shopping go to eat um go see sex go see porn go, I mean go have sex, go see porn I'm the who listens, go use this drug or so I mean, how much is that in our culture as distractions?

So we are socialized to disconnect and distract ourselves. It's so true. You know, I met a new person in my neighborhood, it was months ago, actually, and we and I. She walked every day, so he had seen her when she walked. I thought really oh she's soeasy for me because again i'm a big believer in how important they are i want people to take them here's michelle i'm glad you're sitting because someone who shows up and tells you how important they are repeatedly you know if i'm saying i'm really good at this or I either like myself or whatever and I tell you once or twice totally fine, yeah, well people hear that in a great way when someone has to tell you 17 times how great they are, it doesn't feel good, no, so what seems like arrogance is insecurity, it seems that what seems like arrogance is the opposite. from that doesn't come from a place of feeling complete and feeling good, yes, authenticity exactly, but here's the key, oh God, here's the key, people feeling that goodness and actually receiving the praise that they don't feel.

I don't have to tell you anything about how good they are, they live well, they just live well and live well. tell you anything about how great they are, you experience what they have to give in the world and they don't have to say a word about it, so they just live their good Joan. I'm speechless once again, I'm like I'm trying to absorb all of this and I think about damn, that's so fucking good, oh my god, wow, yeah, I think about people who have to honk or brag or you know to people who talk about themselves all the time, it's because inside I don't feel like you said complete or good like they were actually oh my gosh, that was really good, thank you okay, so I asked you before about fear and the anxiety.

Can you, yes, touch that? Yes, I know we're almost done. Here about a couple of questions that I want to address, okay, okay, fear, fear to me is danger right now and so if you're literally not in danger right now, I would prefer that you not use that . word ooh just remove it from the vocabulary just take it out this is not right so for me it's a uh I think the words fear and anxiety are overused and misused a hundred percent another high five yeah it's okay even people with depression. Wow, I'm depressed. I wonder: do you know what that word means?

Oh, that would lead us to no, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, because that would lead us down my path of what I call soulful depression, yeah, okay, which is not real depression to me. I could invite you back to Joan. I'd love to join, so that's fine, but talk about it. I like this. Sophia fears danger at this moment if you tend to use that word at that moment and you are not really in danger. At this point, she stops using the word, so what's the next most logical thing to use? Well, the next most logical one to use is anxiety, yes, and if psychology would define it, they would say it's this diffuse worry or diffuse apprehension about you.

I know that that type of negative event is going to happen in the future, okay, but the truth is if I asked and that fits, it fits much better, but if I asked 10 people what they meant by anxiety. I would get eight to ten different answers, so as a doctor it's too vague, it's meaningless and what I found out is that it's either a description of someone feeling vulnerable, which is one of the eight, or it's not that at all and It turns out that using anxiety simply keeps the experience vague within us and then we don't have to deal with the other seven feelings, so my experience with anxiety is that it is a cover for the eight unpleasant feelings.

Oh my gosh, Mike again, so anyone. that uses anxiety around me is corrected or invited, I guess I won't use it anymore, that any client I work with will eventually understand that I don't really believe in it and if we have the physiological experience of it, yes, we believe it. I'm not going to take away any of that around fear or anxiety and, frankly, if you're in danger, I want you to be afraid because that's your fight and flight response, we should be afraid, it's a good emotion if I'm walking. Out in the parking lot alone and it's 10 at night and I'm alone I hope I'm scared and I'm cautious and I'm looking around, okay, Joan, yes, I can share with you my definition of adult anxiety. chair please okay anxiety is the physical manifestation of unfelt emotions here we go amazing yeah because think about it when like you said if you asked eight people what anxiety you have then you would have eight different correct answers and I found that in my practice for all these years, it was okay, the client would come in, I have anxiety and I would say to them: how do you know you have anxiety?

How do you know it well? I walk around and have a fast heartbeat, okay? is happening and I tell them that when I take the client into their emotions, guess what happens to the anxiety, well guess what goes away now, it could be temporary because there's a lot going on and then it could come back, but what we've worked on or What I used to work with my clients when I had to practice was to get it down, let's feel those emotions and guess what, over time, the anxiety started to dissipate and eventually disappeared exactly, that's how it is for me. is the cover of one or more of the eight unpleasant feelings, yeah, here's another one you might like too, oh god, here we go, be careful, it's um, anxiety is not experienced, it is not expressed, it is not expressed and it is not expressed so do you think there is power in expressing the emotion or just feeling it uh there is even more power in expressing it okay and when you say express it the expression may be yes for others but how about even writing it in a diary and just understand it?

I'm a big fan of journaling or doing this, yes, yes, but I will tell you that something happens that is even more important when something is expressed with another human being who can be receptive, um, love, okay, amazing, it's okay, one more question. Many people struggle to let go of difficult life experiences, right? and you talk about things in disguise. pain, right, what is pain in disguise, well, this is a longer answer, but um, like this, bring me back, um, like this, this, because for me, this is, this opens up a whole world. The pain of heaven is the gap between what we wanted, what we needed. what we felt we deserved and what we really got oh god Joan damn that was so good again uh uh oh you're frozen on me in the next piece you just froze okay go ahead that was amazing again , okay, okay, then, yes, but like that.

There's more to this, so pain in disguise you can know pain in disguise in two main ways, so one is through what I call pain signal words, okay, and pain signal words are things. like bitterness, lasting anger, holding crutches, resentment, cynicism, pessimism, sarcasm, so all those different types of jealousy envy all pain in disguise what about regret? uh regret is a little bit different okay um but it may be because there may be a genuine experience of uh but it's still pain yeah I would think that regret has some kind of link to pain somehow it does , it does, but still, yeah, so what kind do you say, regret will take us to the next place, okay, and so, I think there are five different categories that involve pain in disguise and it's grief that we have. and we don't deserve. oh, that's good, think about the bad things, yes, abuse of chaos, etc., yes, yes, uh, it's regretting what we deserved and didn't receive, thinking about the good things, praising constant parenting, all that type of thing, is to mourn what never was, think about the missed opportunities or no opportunities as we grew up or just think about the events and circumstances of your early life, you are grieving for what is not now, so think in your fat, the facts and circumstances of your life as it is and the things that aren't turning out the way you exactly want and then lamenting about what may never be wow, that's good, so what do we do if we're Sitting here, is that me, is that me?

I have three of those, I just feel like, are you cheering us on? Well, there's for me with, you know, there's a couple of different things here there's a whole there's a whole process and I'm aware of our time, but there's a whole process that I would take someone through so two two things , one is outlined in mine 90 seconds to a book the life you love, okay, the second is that there is a ted talk, my second ted talk was that it is called grief, the path to forgiveness and this is really , this is actually, it sort of describes the approach, so there's two, there's a couple of places for people to be able to access it, I'm really sorry, um, the second one, but there's, there's, there's, there's, sorry I'm getting a little confused here, there is a way to overcome pain and really make it as simple as possible is what you want, you want to be able to understand the impact and meaning that life experiences had on you throughout the time, when that happened as you got older and now, and so you want, you want to have an understanding you will be able to develop an understanding of that and that will allow you to overcome those experiences and release that pain and he will talk about this in greater detail in that ted talk absolutely correct and we'll link to it in the show notes. of course, chapter eight is chapter eight of the book, chapter eight, okay, awesome, we'll put it in the show notes for sure.

Joan, yes, honestly, this was phenomenal. Thank you very much, how could people find you, Dr. Joan Rosenberg? com or dr

joan

rosenberg

on all kinds of social media, that's usually the handle so it could be yes, but on twitter, instagram, etc., so that's it and my website dr john

rosenberg

.com um, feel free to communicate, yes, put all that in the show notes it sure is amazing, thank you so much for this enlightening conversation and for blowing me away so early in the morning. I appreciate it, of course, like I said, validating me and I and I needed that to hear you say yes, I like it that way. whoa

joan

rosenberg likes oh please come on, I'm going to let that land, I'm letting you know, that's kind of a compliment, so let it be absolutely absolutely, we're nice, yeah, thank you, thank you very much. also for getting in there and doing the work, yeah it's not like that, those lessons are not easily learned, they take time, I agree, so it's an honor to honor you and that wisdom too, thank you, yeah, so what did you think?

I want to hear, let me know on social media or you can always head over to wherever you're listening to this and leave a review, a five-star review. I would really appreciate it, thank you, thank you, but I hope you enjoyed it. the show for everything I did, as you could see from the end, I was speechless so many times, you know, I just loved the show and it was amazing to talk to her, so thank you all for listening, I appreciate you so much for everything What they needed. to learn or win or anything you would like to write about the show I promise you it will be in the show notes so if you are driving don't write anything I have you, I have you covered, everything will be in the show notes, don't worry about that, okay, you guys have the most beautiful week and I'll see you sitting here next week in the adult chair.