The Mind Blowing Link Between Stuff & Anxiety (with Dr. John Delony)

All right, John, so I was helping a girl in our community and she was standing in her basement and she had inherited all of her mother's things when her mother passed away, the entire estate, so it got mixed up with all of her things that she I had acquired over the years, so there were boxes and bags made of rubber and some were labeled and some weren't and she was standing there in front of all these things and I said, what are you feeling right now? and she said: I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I can't breathe and that's maybe one of the most extreme cases of how we feel when we go to order, but I think very often we hear the comments of "I feel anxious".

I don't want to make a mistake, right? I don't want to get rid of something and then realize I could have used it and many feel this

anxiety

when we try to tidy up our house, we know we should tidy up our house so much is at stake but when we actually sit down to do it we are paralyzed by the fear of making a wrong decision, so today, if you could tell us the answer, I think that would be great. So I think I love the story you just told because it's an extreme example that applies to all of us.

I think it's very common, especially when someone has inherited things, that the person's memories are transferred to those things, yes, and yes and that's the same as with my little son, those ridiculous artistic drawings that look like someone had dead with a crayon and I want to keep them forever and ever because my, my daughter, my son is trapped in this, they are not okay. Just trash because she really is trash, right, and we're never going to sell this for a million dollars, right, they're not going to be Picasso, but I guess going back to saying what she really feels in her chest is that my mom is here now. and I can't breathe with mom here and then it's a pull, it's pulling mom out of this thing, okay, in everything related to

anxiety

, I always wanted to get down to three pillars, a connection, a human interaction, a security and autonomy , TRUE?

I have control over what comes next in my day and so would when I look at this tent that I haven't used in 11 years and it's like what are we doing here? The security alarm goes off if you get rid of this and the house. It burns, we're hosed down, all right, so I need to check to see if I have the other two pillars lined up. Do I have people in my life that I could call if my house caught on fire? Yes, very often our culture today doesn't We don't have anyone to call properly or I owe money on my mortgage so if I miss a payment it's taken from me.

I'm going to live in this store because it's actually a backup plan because my body knows that I'm not safe because we owe money to someone else and I don't have autonomy. I don't decide what I do tomorrow, the Bank of America or the mortgage company does it if I have transportation. to go to work and I owe a payment on that thing, if I miss making the payment the bank comes and takes it back, my frontal lobe knows I got a good deal on that car, the anxiety part of my brain that keeps me life knows we're not safe because a payment didn't go through and they We go back to get this car and we don't go to work and then everything works out so I always want to look at those three pillars when one of those tent things makes sense from a tent from a tent shoots hard I wasn't in my mother's tent it was a tense time it's just and when we're untangling the key to untangling people's things is pain is owning that mom's gone yeah and she's not captured on a couch or in a picture frame or whatever mom's not there yeah so take us pretty much through this.

I'm in the garage. I know I need to tidy up, so what's at stake here? As if you were an anxiety expert. Can I keep the store? In the garage, can I store extra things? Do I really need to simplify my environment? Yeah, so one of the beautiful pieces of research that was really compelling to me that we were talking about before we started has been sad to me because it's the truth is, like the rise in ADHD, the rise in anxiety, the Increase of these things can be directly related to chaotic environments and our bodies try to adapt to chaos, and I know it's really trendy and cool to think that everything is genetic or biological.

Yes, all those things are triggered environmentally, yes, and when I live in a world of chaos or in my house, when I have things everywhere and I am like a poser, as if anything could happen, my father was a murderer. Detective like he knew everything could end well. I have to know that choosing to live in that chaos is on the other side of that swing. Yes, I have enough rations to last a year. Right on the other side of that swing. Is my brain constantly yelling at me? We are not safe. We are not safe from that state.

There are too many things. We are too chaotic. Yes, of course, of course, and that's why I always want to say: Do I use these things? Do these things have a purpose? and the rest has to work, yeah, so we really have to promote our peace of

mind

, our ability to have a safe place to come home to, because really, I mean, are you saying we don't really feel? safe in our house when it's completely messy um yeah, our calendars are messy our relationships are messy our houses are messy just with

stuff

and think about it over the course of human history houses have never been so full of our living environments. has been so overwhelmingly correct and that is why our branch is trying to adapt to a new world that is full of things everywhere on every wall and on the ceilings and especially it is too correct and you put it on top of the calendars that are there, you don't you can miss a red The light or the whole domino of your day is over because you're late for this and you're late for that uh and our pantries and our food is too much, it's too much and our brains say we're not okay, yeah. it's too right, but we could go into a recession, I mean, absolutely, it still is, I mean, if the economic climate is changing, I mean, won't it give me some security if I have all this

stuff

saved, if in I actually don't believe it.

It does, man, um, but I know those thoughts, I know, I'll do it, I don't want to get you canceled, that's what I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm going to answer this honestly. Well, I've been in buildings and I've been in rooms and I've been in houses when the worst of the worst happens and what I will tell you is that having another gun or another seven months of food, there have been little snapshots in history where it's just that. It would have been helpful 99 of the time, the best thing you can do in the middle of a calamity or crisis is to know your neighbors, yes, know the people in your community, yes, have a person you can call who can help you like If I had the tools. to fix whatever is coming because we have a relationship because we've eaten before, that makes sense, yeah, and the best thing you can do and if you're preparing for a recession, just get to know your neighbors, yeah, go invite people to dinner and you say, you bring something and you bring something, you bring something now, it cost us the six dollars to share it, you know what I'm saying, absolutely cancel your subscription service and have people in your front yard, yeah, around there. a fire pit, right, and this is not woo-woo and this is just neuroscience and economics, right, well, and I guess we can then take it to my friend in her basement and tell her that she was trying to do it alone and What really stood out, let's talk about your book too.

What really stood out to me as I was listening to it is that grieving also needs to be done in community, it can only be done in community, so here she is. trying not only to order but also to cry trying to rationalize that what is happening to me is okay alone, that we have to do it with each other the great david kessler says that pain demands a witness yes, I have to sit down and say "I" I am suffering and my mom is not here. I have to say those words and I have to see it in front of someone else, yes, so if I am her, I will start by writing a letter saying dear mom, I miss you, yes, and you left me. a lot of rubbish, mom, and we've been talking well, so I'm going to have that quote-unquote conversation and then we'll sit down with a couple of friends and they'll help me. let's go through these things, yeah, and we're going to find people that, um, the back of the pain is making sense, what's what, what's the purpose now, yeah, who really needs a couch in my community, who really needs another dresser, right, and there are people in your community that have needs, yeah, let's go and put these things up, let's let mom like mom's goodwill and let's spread that to the people that need it, yeah, yeah, that's it amazing, so John, I mean, let's talk a little bit about your book if you want.

You could say one thing about anxiety today, one clear conclusion: what would you like everyone to know in almost every case? Anxiety is not the problem. Anxiety is simply an alarm system that lets you know that it is your body trying to get your attention on things. in your life and your environment are not right, yes, back to those three pillars, I am disconnected, you found yourself alone and this is important to me because I am surrounded by people all the time, I can often find myself alone in a room full of people, yes, there are It's been years, I'll celebrate 20 years of marriage this summer, it's been years that I shared a bed with a woman who I know loves me, yes, and I feel completely alone, right, and how lonely it can be next Or it can be emotional, right?

I'm not sure. I am in an abusive relationship. I am an abusive work situation. I owe someone money and everything can disappear. I'm not sure. And then the third is that I don't have control of my morning, yes, of course. It's just an alarm that lets us know, yeah, and I think if I mean it was a big mental shift for me, it's like it's an alarm, there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with me, but like you said, no. You can record on the gas meter or the smoke alarm, right, that's the best analogy is when the smoke alarm goes off in our kitchen, if we run to get up and we can take out the batteries, we have not repaired the sapphire that has been burning our equipment throughout our lives. room like when we're making pizza and the pepperoni falls on the stove and then the kids just go, they know which doors to close on the main level so the smoke alarms don't go off, yeah, exactly, so that's the alarm.

It's not the problem just letting us know hey something your house is on fire yeah they're trying to lure you in trying to help right yeah and I quit so I read a lot of books but I would highly recommend your book. Own your past, change your future um if possible listen to it on audible because I think what stood out to me the most while I was listening to it was your passion and your belief that any of us could deal with this and get through it and that I don't have to keep living like this, so do you honestly think any of us watching right now are feeling anxious that we can get through this?

Yes, I am a lifelong person. I've been working in crisis my entire career and I've been working on people's mental health for years I think we've made it too complicated and I think we've professionalized it too much and we've dramatized it too much and I don't say that to disparage my community. I love the mental health community. They are doing a great job. Yeah, um, we just made it a mental health thing that you have to do, yeah, and you have to do it there, yeah, and I think for most of us, not all, but most of us can do a lot of the healing in our homes and with our communities, yes, and I think one hundred percent of us, whether you do it, I don't care what trauma you've had, there is healing on the other side of this if we grieve what happened and We appropriate it. and then ask that scary, scary question: what are we going to do now?

And that's where most of us get stuck. Yes, so I found it. I mean it's very practical. There are many good stories. And so if someone is looking today, they say, "Okay, yeah, I've probably been taping over the gas gauge like I'm not looking at it." What would that step be today to go to the gas station? Stop ignoring him. What's happening? one thing I could pull out today and do um, I mean, that's a great question. I think the most practical thing to do is to take a quick inventory, and I hate that word when it comes to people, but that's what taking a quick inventory is.

Who would I call in the middle of the night if I needed someone to come watch my kids? Because I had to take my spouse to the hospital. Who would come if my mom? Who would I call if my mom died and would I quickly take an inventory of the people in your life and if you find yourself alone, if you find yourself without a community or you're still telling those stories from 14 years ago with your college friends, that's right. As he remembers that time, the reason guys get together when they're 40 and still telling old high school football stories is because that was the last time most of us were a part of something bigger than ourselves. themselves the reason why women get together andThey tell that story of brotherhood over and over again it is because the last time they were really connected and our task we do not have an image of how to make friends how to be in community our task as people of 35 years, 40 years and 50 years is to say that They were amazing and I love them people, yeah I have to have that, I have to recreate it in my house, I have to recreate it in my neighborhood, in my church and wherever I am, and that will let my body go and now I can deal with the trauma childish.

I can deal with racist idiots now I can deal with this stuff because I'm anchored in other people yeah that's where I would start and I loved your book because I think a lot of people could look at you and say well John you're charismatic you're a friend I'm a train wreck and you said we actually had to sit down and say, are they going to be our friends? Yes, yes, yes, and this is what's really strange. That story took place around two past one. Half a year ago, so it wasn't that long ago, no, and I don't hang out with those two people much anymore.

I still love them, they were close, but I moved well and they ended up getting a different job and came here. Also life changed again, so recently my wife said, "You know what you have to do" and I said, oh no, she goes, you have to find friends and I said, but I have friends, she really goes because I just got this book and I thought. oh no the thing is the process starts over and the process starts over and that's a life well lived it's not trying to fix find this place it's like you like you can sit down with someone tidy up their house and then grandma leaves is going to pass away and the u-haul is going to show up and then we're going to do it again and then we're going to say yeah, right, and that's life and if you can make peace with that, then okay, here we are.

It comes back again and it's not as dramatic. I thought we had this figured out. No, you don't solve mental health. You continue to live it and live it and live it yes, yes, that's very good, well, of course, we will put

link

s below for your book and I think I want to say that I don't like the word therapeutic, but I think decluttering can also be a kind of therapeutic process to realize that oh yes, I was holding on to this, I was finding my security in this, but you have to go up. with a plan and I say: I'm going to start this and finish this and this is the result, so I think something as simple and as challenging as decluttering, I'm going to say I'm going to choose to free my life I'm going to have to go through some memories I'm going to have a difficult conversation with my spouse and my children I'm going to go through this process and in the end it's going to look like this and it's going to be difficult and challenging there's something about doing that that will change your brain literally I can do hard things and I can have a difficult conversation, my husband and I have been needing to have this conversation for 10 years and are we having it now?

I took control of my kids and said, "Pick two," the rest goes well and suddenly you find out I'm stronger than I thought. I could do things that overflow in me. I'm not going to let that guy at work talk to me anymore, and I certainly won't be driving as fast anymore. I'm going to go to the other lane and just sit on the computer, start bleeding into your other life, it's the rest of your life is right, so I think you're absolutely right, just go tidy up your house and this is the pot talking to the teapot man, we're talking this morning, I thought I've got to make some changes, I was just doing that today, you know?

We should probably touch on the topic of kids real quick if you could spend 30 seconds on what your kids need and don't need when it comes to things, what would you say? I'll tell you the story of the other night. I have two again. The Texan who lives in the woods is going to come here. I have two turkey decoys in my front yard that I just placed there and my daughter, who is six, is a human hurricane. I want to buy her music and I love her like me. I'm going to pretend I wanted to heal her a great life and she had a wooden sword and I had a stick and somehow she's weird, she was a wolf creature and I was some kind of dragon and she ran out of us. and we were defending the turkey decoy.

I don't understand what was going on, but we fought with aerial swords and were doing cartwheels and whatever for about an hour and we came back in and I heard her say to my wife. My wife is reading him his bedtime story, she said today is my favorite day of my entire life and that's why I tell parents that this is the best parenting advice I've ever received from Jack Black, which is: don't try to make a happy child happier, so I will see my child with a stick in the mud and they are just playing with it and I will think that my child does not play with sticks and mud, he needs some and ends up an hour later with this flashing toy in another game and they are out of sugar, let your children play what your children really really want is you, yes, they love you, they love you and you are free, so create space and time, get rid of all the trash, give your kids room to breathe and sleep and give them that's amazing, well John this was, I'm still like wait, where am I?

What's going on? It's very fun today. This is my favorite thing. No one has ever interviewed me in this house. It's great. We must do it. this more often very good thank you for being with us today can I tell you this? Thank you for putting joy in the world and for giving people tools. The most common thing I hear across the country is okay, now I know it's not. I know what to do next and you do it for people, so thank you so much for bringing so much joy to the world and with a smile, you are so lovely.

I appreciate you very much, thank you.