I Survived a Serial Killer

of my story. I was just in shock. That's why that's why. I say it is important to convey a sense of belief which is very often the first step in someone's healing journey. What happened to your father? Everyone likes to think that at the end of a story, the bad guy is locked away forever, that's not what happened. I got out, you know, mental illness stuff since then he's been living, you know, on the streets and he's still out there and he's not in jail. Does any part of you wish he was in jail? I don't know, yes, I don't know, we like to think. sometimes there are good people and bad people mm-hmm but everyone is gray when he said I will take her to heaven we will both go to heaven it is implied you know initially that's what I assumed everyone assumed that meant we are I'm going to take lives here , but then you know there have been times when I've reconsidered: What if I was talking about the theme park?

Some people would consider it paradise. What if I just wanted to give myself the best day of my life? uh, I don't really know, but I mean that's definitely not how you're going to do it, but I don't know, I can't seem to get to the point where I'm okay, that's exactly what he was thinking. exactly why he did it, I mean, I still don't have those answers for a long time. I would call my dad things like a crazy psychopath because of his mental illness and how he developed, and it wasn't until I really fell apart.

In a drug induced psychosis when I fell into addiction and drugs and felt for the first time in my life what it feels like to not know the difference between reality and fantasy. I have to choose whether I'm going to seek help for myself or do I just continue with the decisions I'm making and did I make the right decision, which was to go to recovery? Get help for what you were experiencing. Talk to professionals. Get spiritual help. He saved my life and now I don't look. He's crazy because I've been there. Has your father tried to contact you since then?

Yes, he still tries to contact me, but ominously through puzzles like the wild card. Yes, he sends me riddles in the mail, but that's almost always the case. There's no point in drawing a little telescope on the postcard, you'll just have to fill in the blanks with the letters. The telescope may be a representation of what you liked at the time, it may seem like it. get a spark a little bit of excitement, I mean I'm still related to him, like I have the same curiosity about the mystery that he always had, so would you say you've forgiven?

I don't feel like he ever was, honestly. Angry enough that I feel the need to forgive people who hurt people is because they are broken and I largely never allowed him to have enough control over me. I felt angry. I think I forgave him in 2017 when I went through my experience and I understood the importance of forgiveness because forgiveness is not for the other person forgiveness is for you and it is not until we recognize the faults within ourselves that we can fully forgive the faults. from other persons. I think it's the most important way that event affected your life going forward.

For me, I identified as someone strong and that meant that my trauma didn't affect me, so it didn't make me sad. I didn't think about it. I have PTSD, but it became this cloak that I put on that protected me, but also hid who I was, didn't allow me to feel, so something that was a positive label became a weapon against me, but The only thing. What I was feeling was very, very, very angry at the world, at my children, at my husband, and I just peeled it back, peeled it back like, why am I so angry?

Onions, yes, the layers of onions are all big, beautiful, stinky donkey onions. It says emotional compartmentalization and dissociation like turning off those emotions, that was my coping mechanism, that was it, I was aware enough of what I was doing that I slowly started to stop it, if I felt like I was going to cry I would say no. I'm not going to cry instead of just instead of just allowing it, let me tell you I'm a crybaby dad, now it was like I cry about everything, why do I cry so much? No wonder he was holding the kids down, we all just cried. about the place and I can't go without thanking dipsy for sponsoring this episode dipsy is an app full of short audio stories designed by women for women, they bring scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and characters and new content is released every week, so that in between When listening to your favorite stories, you can always find something new to explore. dipsy also has sleep story wellness sessions and they now offer written stories too, so no matter what mood you're in or how you like to consume these delicious morsels, you're in luck.

Before we spend today with podcast viewers and listeners, dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you visit dipsystories.com padilla, that's 30 days of free full access when you visit d-i-p-s-e-a stories dot com slash p-a-d-i-l-l-a and no i I won't apologize for that rhyme. It was brilliant. Now back to the world of surviving a kidnapping. What do you think makes you want to talk publicly about your traumatic experiences? It's actually like wanting to help people who are looking for something. to relate to themselves and their experiences, circumstances may look different but everyone can relate to a struggle or a joy or know any emotion so I really like being a person who makes those connections, what we all want to do is just connect and know that.

We are not alone You started working in law enforcement. One of the police officers who helped you offered you a job there. What was it that he made you want to do? I started working there this summer after my kidnapping. I worked there. 12 years I worked with sexual assault survivors and investigated sexual assault cases and I think that probably made me a better investigator because I was less likely to drop cases because you knew that if your case was dropped, then, right? you're getting a very different outcome yeah and then I got into victim services and then I was really helping people where you know someone has been a victim and offering them counseling so you could give them the support that you knew you needed. needs to be corrected, what do you hope other people take from your experience?

So often in life we ​​have things happen to us, you can be fooled or you can rise above it, think of it like you are surfing, the waves are coming, what are your options? you can try to fight them, you can't do that, but their ways are right, like they keep doing it right, so those are the successes in life, things that are just going to happen, but what if? You grab your surfboard, stand up and surf it. The fact is, you're going to have tough times, you're going to have great times, and if it weren't for the tough things you go through, you can do it.

I don't appreciate good things. What is a general response to your kidnapping story? That's how it always goes okay, okay, say like hey, I've been kidnapped. Okay, I'll be you and you. Okay, hey, I've been kidnapped. My God. I'm so sorry, I had no idea that people just don't know how to react in person. Immediately it's like, wow, that's heavy and that's why I don't go up to people on the street and say, "Hey, I've been kidnapped." Oh, really, you don't have a sign on your chest that says hello, I'm kidnapped, you know, I don't tell people that in person, you know that every day, yeah, but I tell millions of people on the Internet that the connection is a little bit more from a safe distance people don't like not being in the room with me and not looking at me and the real eyes when I tell them I've been kidnapped it's like less pressure and they feel more good now. they want to hear the whole story, so online they're curious, they want to know the story, yeah, I think it's cool that people are curious about experiences that we normally label as traumatic.

The number one response I get is: I'm so sorry, I hated that that was the number one reason I didn't tell people that you didn't want people to feel sorry for you right when someone says, "I'm so sorry for what I said." happened", what is your automatic response? I say, oh, yeah. It was okay, okay, okay, right, it wasn't that important to you, so you take the burden and give it back to the person. It puts you in this awkward position of having to validate that you're okay and what if? You're not okay, there's no good response from the person sharing vulnerable to sorry versus wow, thank you for sharing that with me, you should be so proud of what you did, you're really amazing for overcoming that.

And that has become kind of a platform for one of the things that I help people understand. Yes, you know, I understand that you do that because you want to convey affection and love for that person, but there are other ways to do it. It can also enhance what are some of the wilder comments you receive in response to your story. There have been many people who tell me that I am lying about my own story, they tell you that they have commented on my videos and they didn't like them. he said it to my face I mean you might as well have to read it it's there in your comments you have to read your comments because I have a different name on my amber alert yeah they're like that weren't you? they just use someone else because he was a father and it's not their idea of ​​the kidnapping, they assume it wasn't a real kidnapping, that there was no danger involved because it was my dad and you went to an amusement park and that's the guy The most It used to bother me, yeah, and I had to accept it when people said I wish my dad would kidnap me and take me to an amusement park, that's something I've heard a lot, it's like you. no don't say that and I've never forgotten it 98 are just positive yeah amazing but you know I got one today that said just die in response to hearing about your kidnapping story right yeah I don't know I got it. another recently who said oh it's always the annoying ones who survive and my immediate responsibilities well you must have

survived

something terrible then I don't remember them because I see them and just say what an idiot and then report back. and then you walk them and say you're on my account, exactly, you came here, yeah, it's like you walk into someone's house, you say I hate everything, it's like you come here, like I only see these comments and I'm sorry for them, if there's anyone watching who has experienced a kidnapping, is there anything you want to tell them?

Forgiveness will free you if you keep repeating a memory or an experience or something that happened to you or something like that. that is happening between you and another person and it feels like there is discomfort with that situation please seek forgiveness you have done the absolute best you could with a terrible situation just give yourself the grace and the space to heal and rest and do your best that you can heal it's not a linear journey you don't just go from point a to point b and there's really no destination like you never get there you're never like I'm healed oh I feel so good to be here, like I don't have any more problems, it's a journey of a lifetime, do the best you can and move on.

I spent a day with kidnapping survivors and one thing that really resonates with me is the idea that our traumatic experiences from our past don't have to keep us captive forever and even though my experiences are completely different, by accepting the painful memories of my past as things that only exist in the past, I have been able to disconnect from those memories and instead live life more fully in the present. I watched your Pokémon Smosh videos to get the Pokémon to notice yeah so you know they're awesome and then my performance is cool yeah who's your favorite Pokémon Blastoise because it had bazookas on its back?

I mean, how sick is that zapdos, yeah, because I mean and why. pick one of them when you can have them all you have to catch them all you have to catch them all you have to catch them all no matter how expensive it is no matter how deep you need to get your wallet you need to catch them all when you catch a pokemon it's like a real kidnapping