Wie stehe ich besser für mich ein? | Stahl aber herzlich Podcast | Folge 28

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I am also very familiar with the term selfishness, so I have to swallow the accusation of being selfish as soon as I express my needs. I heard that a lot when I was a kid. Hello, welcome to Stahl But honestly, the psychotherapy

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with me Stefan Stahl I am a licensed psychotherapist in psychology and a book author and today Jelena is with me and Jelena is having great difficulties. her expressing her own needs so she notoriously and chronically adapts to all her friends and wherever she is. But she doesn't like it because it means she's always neglecting herself and today I'm explaining to Janina why she's so notoriously overadapted and she doesn't.

I don't even dare defend her own opinion. Hi Lena, well, thanks for being at court for a bit. Yes, it's good that you're here, I'm glad to get straight to the point and start with the Question, what's bothering you? Yes, thank you for allowing me to be here. I am looking forward to the conversation we will have together. I don't know at all if I would describe that as grief, I think so. I have thoughts that many people my age, twenty-somethings, have, and somehow in a big city like Berlin I often surprise myself with interpersonal relationships of all kinds, I think I have already reflected on myself or recognized it.

I have difficulty expressing my own needs to other people and I have noticed that sometimes I do not feel well. The easiest way to comment on it is to give a very specific example of what comes to mind here, what is typical? I have not done it. That again, so maybe you can share it with us. Well, now a typical example, so in my daily life I notice this quite often, so maybe my friends somehow can't express my opinion so openly even though they ask me: "Hello." , what do you think we want to go there or do that and actually I already know or somehow I try to know in advance what the other person's preference is, so it completely depends on being nice to others, what's wrong in that?

I would say that I don't give others the opportunity to somehow reach a common denominator or that we can find a compromise. Maybe I'm not being honest or authentic or not necessarily myself if I constantly put my own needs aside, so to speak, to meet the other person's needs, reflecting that everything is very precise. Now the question is on my mind or urging me to do it, so I would say that Tom Enders is not easy. I already know it. that I'm not there or I'm not in the world to meet or correspond in any way to other people's expectations, but that's how I feel sometimes about my existence, but that's too much for them in theory because in reality it's about scary, if I understand. "If you say correctly, there is a fear or concern behind it.

To offend and offend ultimately means to somehow encounter some form of rejection. Yes, I also have to say that it is always like that, I think as soon as you hear terms like that , like they hit you in the face or I'm also very worried about the term selfishness, so I have to swallow it first, sure or not, but of course it always has something to do with your own life. "My own biography and this accusation of being selfish so As soon as I express my needs, it often bothered me when I was a child. It becomes clear that Jelena is incredibly afraid of saying selfish, she heard it too often in her childhood.

Selfishness is really like that. A word that has quite a negative connotation, making many people wonder what a healthy amount of selfishness is. Personally, I don't even know if the word selfishness is applicable here. Let's not just say that we have our own needs, that sometimes it is okay for one's own needs, it is okay to communicate at all if communication is only the basis for being able to exchange ideas. I think I would prefer to eliminate the word selfishness in this context and there really are deep things there. Feelings so burned since the spring, tell me a little about what the common thread was in your childhood and it was with your parents.

The best would be selfish, so I have two older brothers who are significantly older than both of us. of me very close to each other and I was the late bloomer and the spoiled child in a way and yes, but we can also think of concrete examples in which I, as a child, expressed the need for certain material things, for example, I would like that and then maybe they said no or my parents usually said no at first and didn't explain why in any way and then I was like, I want that but and I want that and I understand it and then it was always like that, I don't do it.

You understand at all that selfishly you only think about yourself and you always want to have everything and in the end I don't know, I bought the Barbie doll or maybe I did something to myself and yet it was always like that you only think about yourself and now your will has to be fulfilled. So it was basically an educational tool from their parents, yeah, these statements and how you felt bad as a kid because I just got something even though I knew it wasn't right. , so I didn't feel like it was okay that's already guilty guilty yes it happened too then charm and guilt there's a story that I don't think I'll ever forget and my family still jokes about it today.

I have a cousin who was the same age and both families were on vacation with them and we were at their market and then my cousin got something from my aunt that I thought was cool too and my mom also bought me a whole thing and clothes, yeah that's it summer clothes that my mom bought me. something else and I thought that what my cousin had was very good and I screamed and cried and I really wanted to have it and it hurt my mother a lot, of course, because I did not recognize her gift at that moment nor did I value it, although I reacted moderately quickly with pain , yeah, right, I don't think it's because you just said that of course I was hurt, so to you it seems completely natural, you must have learned, yeah, so at that time I didn't do it. meet my mother's expectations.

I thanked him happily, but I said I wanted what my cousin had, exactly that, and then in the end I got it I also bought it and I actually never used it because I had this connection, so I would say it was maybe 7 or so so it's okay , you have learned that if I want something great then I am not only selfish but I am like my mother. Yes, my dad too, maybe because, of course, there will be a dance, of course. The authority figure was like that and then strict with me and yes, somehow you learned that I am responsible for how my parents feel.

If I want something really cool, then I can. It happens that I make a parent sad, yeah, that's actually pretty good because I have a feeling like I said, I'm 20 now, of course I still have a good relationship with my parents and they live further away and I miss them. She too and I'm happy when I can see her. but sometimes that's not the case, I have distanced myself from him a lot and I have the feeling that it is because of me, my mood and my behavior that we only start our relationship when we see each other, that is me, in reality I am 100 percent responsible about what our relationship is like, how it feels for you to feel that way, so that's a lot of responsibility that falls on me and of course it hurts me when I'm involved in situations that contribute to me formulating that now anyway, I feel like maybe Somehow we don't have a good time together because I might say something that doesn't suit me, actually it's more like I learned or something inside me, especially to my father, that I and I don't contradict. , I don't contradict that I described my father as authoritarian or what we sing that way, he's actually very kind but also authoritarian in a way, so I think in a lot of different things we just don't get along with each other in some ways.

I can't meet at all. When it comes to worldviews and experiences, what does your mother and my mother have? It's about that too, no January goals were reported, yeah, so I didn't have them that way. It's not so good if you do your thing because you have to say I think it's cute and I was too back then, I mean now my new friends or friends don't get to know you, but my parents know a lot of friends. from the past who also knew my mother from home, sometimes they also said, hey how nice that you like to give so much to your mother, then that desire is also reinforced, yes, I really like giving, I think it's nice to show people that I value them or that I'm doing something good in some way, but really you have to get the whole package, if I may put it that way in my flippant way.

That is not what is taught in direct education. It is having your own will. It has been shown to you as an example and you have been praised by those around you. That's not exactly what Marx or you are very afraid of and very afraid of. deep education is probably not that easy Or maybe I always say that change is difficult, it doesn't have to be that way, but of course they are deeply captured, he looks at it because you have it and above all the most important thing is Yes, that's it a construction of reality, that is a reality because our brain is not interested in the reality that is outside.

Our brain is based on our own experiences and those are my experiences and that is what my perception and my thinking are based on. Because those are your experiences or he wanted to date, do you take advantage of this wealth of experiences and project it onto them, which could perhaps be sad because your mother experienced it or do you not tolerate any contradiction like your father? it produces these old memories and you react to them and then you have your mouth or you say yes, although you have a quick one, usually yes, yes, I want that, but that's what I want to say.

I always find it very helpful if you can imagine it in more details yes, that's 1 1 something based on my old experience that maybe it's not really the outside world, not even dad, you, especially I can't know how the other person reacts, especially when it comes to small, everyday questions like this, whether they're disappointed or hurt or angry, and in a way, yeah, then we change or so that radio pet owner a feeling then the feeling always radio attention attention attention caution where caution disappointment in delay insults try it on yourself too feelings of shame for the delay feelings of guilt for the delay fear fear fear step forward don't shut up and adapt and These strong feelings, of course, are not like that, you can't just ignore them and now the question is what do we do now and I think the most important first step is to always keep in mind your mind and what your opinion is about it because it can be very helpful in getting out of a situation and repeating it until you finally understand the feeling. wondering about it when you change your mind, so first of all, away from the feelings, a little bit away from the old stories.

Do you really think his girlfriend would be so disappointed if she had another suggestion? No, no, Mainz, he had the right to be disappointed so that he can so that he can if if if if she has her own feelings the rows like her I would say I can't argue with her so be careful, I'm going to create a very banal because she often thinks it's our situation at the beginning because you also want to go to the cinema with a friend, she would like to see the movie she would like to see another movie so if you say I would also like to go to see a movie she tells me I would like to go against the movie and you say yes, but the movie should also be completely about I would also be quite a boxer, which now you have the right to be offended, no, no, so, yes I really have a banana, but point out that year in general, then.

What you do, deep down there are other people right, so as a child you have the right to say mom has the right to be sad, dad had the right to be angry, they have the right not to be called selfish, you are all good in the program and that's where I think it starts or yes, if I really let my mind speak in some way without the experiences that I've had then no, so since you don't have the right to be offended in this case, you have a right to express them or to have your own opinion, in any case, in any case.

Can you definitely try this very briefly to feel how it feels in the body? That's something that doesn't feel that strong yet, I think so. so because in the heart in the heart love, that is what it feels like in the heart this year I need it for that, I still have it small but that is clear, yes, what is there, what is that a tingling sensation like a tingling feeling because I can't describe it, it's just something I can't understand yet, but somehow it's a mystery, so I know. It's in some ways Kathrin, that's maybe something that can be unraveled that way, so that I can just be stronger.

The important thing is that you have an idea of ​​what it feels like to say I have the right to my needs, to say I have the right to say no, orthe phrase everyone is up to 50 percent responsible for the relationship that Do you think about the sentence? Do you agree? Yes, nice, yes, that definitely means that not only one person has the responsibility, that is, you with me. But if everyone now has 50 percent of the relationships with their parents' children, then parents are 100 percent responsible for their children in the first place, but in all other relationships, they share the fifty-fifty eye level.

So I behave in a more adaptive way and the end of the scale of adaptation as a right is submission, so the scale is very far away, being subject, but what I notice is losing, I think that could also be a very important for them. More stability and towards me I say that my needs would actually be that you think of several sentences like this at home that really matters, I am just as valuable as other people, I have the same rights as other people, I am with other people On equal terms, Each person is 50 percent responsible for the success of a relationship.

Yes, I can express my needs. , etc. The first step is to make it very clear to you. When I talk to you, now I have the feeling that you know it was somehow, but you really made it clear to you. I don't think it's done that way. However, it could be in this way intellectually reflected, if I talked to someone now, I would tell them or then I would have it clearly, of course, in such an intellectual way, but for me, even in relation to For me, this is always the decisive phrase for all harmony addicts, extracted from me not so precisely and the animal really writes these phrases and then I practice them every day to feel them too, so it is not just theoretical, it remains the same.

Now you feel very weak in the heart area, but the more the tournament goes by, the ten year old child, the more you try these phrases that are now theoretical at first, but I also tell you to release the feeling by saying this phrase to yourself . I have the same. One's human rights, like other people, should close your eyes and then feel this sentence in the space of your chest and stomach, that is the seat of feelings for you to say more and more deeply, I think it would be an element construction very important to you, why? they are negative beliefs that were so important negative beliefs are really for our internal psychological operating system, they are our deepest software, so to speak, if I am deeply convinced that I am not okay, that I am not enough, then it has incredible effects on everything. my life style.

That is why the beliefs that come from our childhood are important and that do not correspond at all to the current reality or that of then, the majority of the beliefs that we acquire are simply due to an unfavorable interaction between the child and the parents and the The child's inclination is always everyone's fault and that is why it is important to step back and see what is really true for me today and create new, appropriate and realistic beliefs such as, I am enough or is that too much for you? . "I am above my children or I am above my friends or I am above my boss so that these beliefs do not remain too theoretical.

It is important to feel them again and again, so go inside yourself and feel what it is." like when I give space to this belief in my feelings. It is particularly effective if you imagine the situation in which these beliefs are already true and it can also be very pleasant and useful if you imagine that there is a very nice person behind you, but it can also be a fantasy figure such as a good fairy or a superman. and these beliefs, these new good beliefs, are whispered in your ear with a lot of love, what does it look like on that level?

He can't feel any needs at all because -adapted people are so trained in repressing their own desires that they often express them. I don't know exactly what I want, as you can say. There are definitely situations where I don't know what I want, especially when it comes to general decisions. Now there are two other things that involve people in some way and then I have two different opinions and then I basically have two different positions that they couldn't choose, so I don't know, okay, if there are only two opinions and one of them satisfies my needs and yet there is a third one that is mine and what would you need to have more confidence in it, I think and that is also what you say, what I should practice or train. inside, kind of build a little bit of a conversation with myself and really with myself to ask, go within myself, okay, regardless of what's out there now or what options I have, what do I really want?

Well, there are situations where I really don't know because I don't know, and you probably don't feel it either, because ultimately there is always the possibility of exploiting our feelings in some way, so as soon as there is another person in the room You are incredibly trained. be with them more, then your antennae always jump and you always try to be empathetic to feel and feel what they want and how I am here and how she is doing with you, and then lose you, that is where "losing me" expressly comes from. . You lose yourself because in reality you are always with the other person with your consciousness, therefore with your perception with your consciousness you are always with the other person and therefore you lose contact with your own feelings.

Yes, I would definitely do the same too. I confirmed it very sadly. That's maybe why I didn't seek contact at all, simply because it worked so well. I have a very large circle of friends and acquaintances and yes, I am valued and confirmed, but perhaps that is why I did not seek contact with myself in that way. Merck, but just that, I'm at that point in my life, right now. In general, I already have the need for this contact with myself and my own needs and desires to establish them or be able to feel them. That should be established better.

How is that? If you are alone, if there is no potential carrier of expectations in the room, then I am with you, sometimes I also got distracted when I am somehow alone but in contact with other people through social media or on the phone or something like that , but I'm alone in my thoughts, so you know what you want, not always but I hope so. It is normal that many people do not know what they want or that they want something one day and another thing the next day, you have some goals that you have or I don't think so.

It's the big overall goals of flying and just little things like that. Now I have Bob to watch the movie or now I have pieces to go to the refrigerator and make me something to eat, so this is pretty much in touch with his desires. and he wants and then can give in to that because he is not one. Others may want something different for a long time afterward, because once I have a lot to offer, I don't know what I want if not. I don't even know if the question fits in any way, but it tends to be a very bad decision.

As soon as you have made me an offer, you can do it because that would require better contact with your feelings, which is why people who have difficulties keep silent. In reality, they always have a loose contact with their feelings because in the end it is the feeling that makes the difference. That feels like now, even if the decisions are rational, so you have good arguments for the decision, but still, the feeling of the last year. What you feel right now and need a better connection for better awareness, somehow gets absorbed into everyone. You talk to each one very quietly, so I feel like I'm supposed to put the handbrake on this conversation all the time, so tenderly.

So quietly, so completely withdrawn, yes, so carefully considered, precisely controlled, nothing wrong, say what she wants now, what do you want to know about me? Should she just say don't promise that everything is exactly fine? Yes, that's why there are two very important exercises for you to simply be much more aware of your feelings, of your smallest needs, so I have trained myself throughout my life to adapt and adaptation is always successful. The best thing is that you have as little desire as possible. I always say that it's much easier to give up chocolate ice cream if you don't feel like eating chocolate ice cream.

The less urgently I want it and want it, the easier it is for me to adapt, but you were tremendously strong. a child, you have the resources in you, I want, I want, I want, it's not like that, it can't be done, but somehow you have broken the habit and now you need much more awareness of your feelings. Paying attention in everyday life, paying attention again and again, pausing again and again, how I really feel right now, how I feel, the hand after, having the courage to say it, that would be the next step, yeah like as soon as I do it, because exactly, but first you have to know what you want, how she is, how you are now, for example, if you finally feel it for a moment, how things are going right now, when I reflect.

When I see it like that or hear it like that, then I always feel really bad for myself and then I feel like that in the direction of sadness or pity, it just surprises me one way or another, it's actually a shame because there is definitely this . reason, this intellectual voice that then just yes, call it that, comes from the feelings or or if I looked at myself from a bird's eye view in some way. Something like this can happen if you say now what you want or what you want. You feel and the other person is disappointed, that's fine, but do you really lose these people?

These people really break up when you no longer want to have anything to do with them. That's right, so it's also an experience that you have to live. somehow. Now we move on to the other topic. I'd like to come back to it in a moment, but the important thing is that you may also talk about meditation exercises, but also a lot of mindfulness. Friend, I am always warm inside and ask myself: I really feel how you are, so that you learn to feel more even under the condition that other people depend on you and I reflexively always put aside your needs and see how it goes.

Don't believe it, and it's also important, of course, that you leave them the things that your parents taught you and tell them that it doesn't belong to me, it belongs to you. do what you want. A child is allowed to complain. A child is allowed to do all that if the parents give in is a different matter, but so saying that the child is now selfish and knows when you are hurt, that somehow doesn't work, that's what I really do with you, like this that this separation because the parents have absorbed it a lot, is very much inside you and now I would like to address the last point.

Have you really thought about the fact that not only would other people not be disappointed, but they would be much easier to get along with if you were more open? No, maybe what you are is also complicated. If you give some things to others, it could be complicated for others if you never really know where you stand. Maybe you're one of those who asks for what you want three times, that's really okay, yeah, well, or you have the feeling that I have to rack my brain because she doesn't say what she wants, so I always have to think about What she wants to say now, she doesn't, her horse can also do to me what can happen to her is that you simply withdraw from contact because you don't tell me as a friend when I've done something wrong or you don't tell me when I've hurt you without even want it or because you think of me as too dominant an experience anyway for the guy you faced in a similar way, well, and then maybe you just look back and always know the vision of why and for what and I have no chance no coincidence because you never said anything, yes in any case it could be like that but first of all I also think that it could also be that some people already have the feeling that I am or can be myself in my environment but if I can't express it 100 percent One hundred what I could want at this moment, what I feel, is me.

Yes, not so that other people don't know me in some way even if they think they don't know me. Yes of course. you're not completely authentic, you can't be at all because I say so, that my son doesn't lower his visor in a bit of a cheeky formulation, so it's not that easy to do the right thing because I don't know what you really want, so there it is where it really is. Personally, I'm always a little afraid of people like that, you know why, because I don't know what to do with them. People with this pattern also "I'm predestined to just walk away from friends and not tell them a big deal." word.

I don't hear from them if I say something I didn't mean with my cheeky nose. It happens to people who often speak faster than them. I think, but then I don't realize it and they don't tell me about it, and then they close the doors and just withdraw from the friendship and that seems very unpleasant to me, which is why I'm a little afraid. People are very conflict averse because I know that usually doesn't work as well in the long run, maybe that's why I want to point out how many advantages there are if you become and you actually become lighter instead of heavier because it's more transparent and tangible, you know.

Once with her, I, in turn, have people who were or are very close to themselves or can express their needs, whichthat they think and feel, always like yes, the person takes themselves extremely seriously, it was exactly exactly and I think it's because I think that's unfair or so dominant that they are always, I say in quotes, the dominant pigs, but you actually become a victim because you just don't get excited and then they take themselves seriously and Mind you, I wonder if that's fair so I'll take it back on myself because it suits us very well, I'm the kind of person that I have what I want and what I don't want, but not that.

It doesn't mean I'm not able to compromise and that's what it means. It's not that I can't give in, but if I have the chance, well, since you don't say you want to, then I can't show it. that I can give in well, she says even though it is so important to her you can see what you want, I am very capable of that well or let's say make a commitment but you don't give me the opportunity, well I agree with her projection. Steel is domineering and takes itself too seriously. Absolutely yes and that's why I think this is a very important component for you as well.

To overcome the aversion to conflict, such high values, so if you let the Pope go, that you will automatically swallow something again or that you will automatically swallow money again, what is the dominatrix, that is what is taken so seriously, etc The question is fair enough if you don't make it much fairer to open my mouth and give the other person a chance to take a stand, I also think about the fact that a lot of people around me are used to me not doing that and when I do suddenly somehow because I do it again and then I do it repeatedly, there is a fear somehow that the person thinks too much, but that is not the case, then you think that now you are completely in a womb, just a shadow child , do you think they love me or like me because I am the way I am and I will be accepted on the condition that I am always the loved one and the good one and the well-adjusted one and the seemingly simple one, as we have just discovered, in the end with you it is complicated, you don't know what you are with her, as if that is why now the shadows of Ghana are completely thought of in the womb, which means that you really cannot imagine, due to your childhood, that you can also like people under the condition that you are more yourself and I am I mean, I can already feel it, I always have it in my mind, so visually, that at some point it should overflow, at some point it will explode, like I feel that now that there will be There are moments at some point when already It won't work and it will.

Yes, I keep swinging up or towards myself and I can, and that's not fair, very often it's like that in a relationship with conflict, when I do it again, now we are. friends and you get angry with me and the piece five times. Every time it runs out, that's a feeling for me that it gets colder and colder and I'm less and less marketable or at least you're so angry that I just beep and then I understand everything. This actually happened to a very good friend of mine a few weeks ago. You experiment and at some point it didn't work anymore and then I somehow wished that in the other situation maybe, like I said. nothing at all anyway but at some point it didn't work anymore, then in the specific situation I said that's how it works no and that bothers me and I have nothing all the time and somehow that doesn't work and that bothered me today.

It was specifically there, in fact, when I think about it, it bothers me now and then he took it really well one time and said, hey, tell me what was mentioned, so I'm sorry, he usually doesn't like to be guilty because he doesn't he thought about that. at one point, that's another topic and people have the opportunity to apologize to you, so the topic of fairness, openness, authenticity, can be that high. These are values ​​that you can really become aware of and that we can also use for help. I want to catch you again wanting to say yes, both in Mainz and with this you can strengthen your spine and it is actually more important now that the other person has a chance that I am always afraid of getting hurt from morning to night tomorrow. night because in the end it's self-centeredness because you're really just making sure you don't get hurt, but from that moment on the other person has a fair chance and you have a problem, whether it's fair, whether it's brief and with such values high you can really strengthen your back and interesting, yes, because I'm actually completely the other way around, but I almost describe it like that.

I don't want to hurt the other person and disappoint them because that's why I try to meet your needs, but in the end it doesn't seem to be the case. In the end, let's be honest, in the end you are trying to avoid being hurt, so it's really about your feelings. I don't want to be rejected, yes, I get very irritated, or maybe I still am, when I get a lot of attention, then when someone asks me how I feel, what I feel, what I want and then I'm in the right place, so I really have the opportunity to say it, so I'm okay with that, I want that, I want that, I guess so I don't know what I should say now, yeah, exactly because you've done it.

I haven't practiced that, but now I would simply recommend that you practice these steps instead of discussing them first. Is it possible to make it clear intellectually and try to feel this clarity? Secondly, perceive feelings better, gain better awareness of what you are doing. you really want, then look again at the values ​​that your parents have passed on to you and that you don't think are good to really return them with selfishness and and fourthly here through higher values ​​like justice, openness and so on to strengthen a spine so that you have more courage and then train the other small situation that you are in and then you will have the experience that it is much easier, the reaction is much more positive than you think and then you become more and more braver and then you continue to do it more and more and that doesn't mean that everyone in the world has to hold their breath just because you expressed the desire to argue even if you say you would rather watch movies Others still have the right say so, even if I prefer to go there So yes, but all the people, I have already accompanied many on this path because they have something to do with it, the problem is that we have many who undertake the path. and become the open ones.

Actually, you always have the experience and you have already said it with an example that people can react surprisingly positively. You can also announce it to your friends. I'm practicing it now. Tell everything and then they will do it. "You want to train there in winter, etc. Now say what you want, make it very transparent. This is a topic that you want to get out of the number, yes, and you can support them if so, if you really want to. training is difficult for you then the you have everyone on board yes that doesn't sound bad ok yes thank you very much The conversation with your country seemed particularly exciting to me because in reality what seems difficult is selfishness and the apparently good thing is that The addiction to harmony or a very high degree of Adapting to the needs of others can also have the opposite effect, so that harmony ends up putting strain on the relationship and selfishness, where I said yes, let's say a word, but I say a responsible representation of one's own needs is huge.

That's why it's very important to look at how we evaluate our behavior and how Jelena might end up with a completely new evaluation. The next time you talk to Daniel, Daniel has broken up with his long-time girlfriend and the end of the relationship is facing him. causing a lot of problems. Especially since the two of you are completely drifting apart, when a breakup makes sense after so many years and how you can move on, I will discuss it with him. at the next meeting and if you want to see where your personal dignity is and how best to bypass it, feel free to write to me random house by

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