Stefanie Stahl #22 | Streit in der Beziehung | So bin ich eben Podcast

audio hello and welcome to I'm the psychology

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for all normally disturbed people with the psychologist and psychotherapist and the psychopath Stefan is not there and the master psychologist Lukas Kaczynski and today we want to talk about discussions and above all the question of how important they are discussions In a relationship you always like to argue, we are radiant, it is already possible because there are people who like to argue, yes, there are those who need to vent and somehow project their frustration problems into the environment. , but in reality that is the case for most people.

People prefer to live in harmony than in arguments and in their own relationship. How often do arguments occur? So, I don't really start arguing that much because we have a very high level of agreement on There are a lot of topics so when I do I'll start with a bit typical of women who always have something to complain about, but my husband tries so hard on it. and because of that I fell again very quickly, so I don't I don't get into it in the sense that you don't get into it at all, but instead of me staying somewhere calm and responding to him with empathy in the situation discussion, he actually manages to do it most of the time.

He came down very quickly. I wanted to do the way he responds with empathy and I didn't succeed, which wasn't exactly. What speaks for me is that he couldn't argue with you either, because it's very good to catch the wind. get out of everything with love, without feeling like you are being left out, but rather knowing for sure, it's okay, I'm okay. Better take a breath and then think about it, you have to say with each other, he just has a very cheerful nature without it, but somehow I will say now that he can dance well and that's not a shot and or something like that.

But it is quite unusual. You used to argue a lot about whether, about everything, and that's actually the point of the arguments and that's why now I have, my husband doesn't have any problems. Many arguments result from a distorted perception of one or both of the protagonists, yes, so most arguments are resolved like this, actually due to misinterpretations of reality, someone says something that I know, we should leave the company on the weekend and yes, the others don't find out, for example, okay, now you've asked me, he's asked me, Now I can think about whether I want to do it or not.

Maybe with her interpretation she wants to dictate to me again what I have to do on the weekend. If he says you, I have planned something else, then she can know. that she doesn't feel like it, I fit exactly with that. We received our first listener message from you, so I'm a random from house punkt.de. There she can write to us with her issues and what she has on her mind, that's What Laura Did 32 Years Ago is here and she writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. We are probably no longer in love at this point and we cannot come together and mingle without each other.

Sorry, I have to fall in love again. I'm really so nasty about things like that. Do you almost always realize that okay, we are so different in everything and now we are constantly arguing over an issue like your claim that meat is dangerous to health? I attack immediately. It's like a big nonsense and an evil banishing the attack against me loudly and strongly comes from his aggressive side and I felt to the extent of all things what I then complained to him in reality should we separate or argue is just part of a relationship, so I think what is now described is quite destructive behavior and yelling is part of a relationship.

Relationship 20 sometimes formulate things differently, use different words. It is very, very important for a relationship that both partners contribute their wants and needs and of course there can be room for negotiation because you don't always have the same opinion and you don't always have the same needs and so it belongs to a certain capacity. to deal with conflicts. The ability to deal with conflict is very, very important. , a very important capacity to be able to have a relationship when I am capable of entering into conflict. There's a risk that he'll be completely exhausted or that he'll constantly say yes even though he wants to say no, so there are a lot of implications too. for the association The ability to deal with conflict is important, but what you are now describing to Laura is quite destructive.

In reality it is about power struggles and, if small, ultimately about recognition. That's why she wants to be recognized for her statement about meat. He probably also wants her to not eat meat. It's probably a very, very high value. Ultimately it is always about values ​​and for them it is also a high value to perhaps defend their opposite position and that's it, they have quickly become entangled in such a power struggle and I think both of them should be careful and we both see what is really behind this , what's really behind this desire to want to be absolutely right because that's a position that I believe in, for example, where we can somehow come to an agreement or make certain compromises, for example, many different types of meat come simply from a very bad attitude towards animal welfare, but the question is, and that's basically demonizing, my game says, you can eat meat once in a while. so I think it's not really about the issue with the two of them but about being right and being right always results in me wanting to be noticed and I want the other person to see me and it's not about the content, you say, it's also about the content, like I said, that's why it's just about who's values ​​are, nowhere can we find it like that, we become our values ​​and they hurt us, that's why political discussions are often so incredibly fun because in the end the discussion Politics is about values. and they are always formulated so explicitly and the two also have a conflict of values ​​here, if with meat it would not be meat and if so They have many conflicting values, so if they have very different values ​​At many points, it is actually very difficult to have one with the other.

A high level of agreement on personal values ​​is a very, very important criterion for a successful partnership, so sometimes it's easier and anyway, it's okay if you have different hobbies then one does what I do, play football, the other plays the piano, everything is fine, but that is always something combustible, so you can hardly imagine that the constellation exists or that one chooses green and others gfd yes because they are Such values ​​conflict between the league and in this specific example, how could they best argue constructively with each other? It probably would have helped both of them if one said yes.

I can see that meat is dangerous for your health and behind that I see your desire. that I don't do anything like something that could harm my health because you love me or because you take care of me because you care about my well-being that could also be behind it, yes and once you simply don't If you are vegetarian or vegan, you don't feel like your partner definitely eat meat. Is that also a possibility? How could you both best resolve this constructively? Yes, I think more than one very good approach is shown, i.e. above. as far as you came into the game, so that you just change your point of view and really try to understand and feel why it is so important to the other person, especially when we argue, we completely lose empathy.

It's about asserting ours. point of view and I haven't even said it yet, but it is an extremely important point that arguing means nothing because when you argue, emotions are full of anger and all strong emotions block reason and knowledge of solutions, so When You notice that we are both quite angry, it doesn't help at all. There's no point in continuing, but then you really have to stop. And you should settle this in a calm moment, when you understand each other well, what? what to say, what to say, and if we get into trouble, please let us both interrupt immediately because it blocks our reason and then we won't get any further and exactly.

Of course, that empathy can only be generated when emotions are not so high, so it's better. That's how evolution has set it up, so if you're angry now, then you're autonomous until now. You want to assert yourself. You want to assert yourself. You want to be in When in doubt, defend your life, that is, where there is a strong will to assert oneself, hatred, the other person is your enemy and nature has not arranged it in a way that we have much compassion for our enemies. When in doubt, we have to defend our life, so empathy can only be done from a calm situation, if you yourself do not have so many strong predominant feelings that do not occupy you and anger is a very insensitive and very strong form.

A busy one must first be out of the body before he can feel others again. I have to have a certain empty space in me to be able to feel what the other person is doing and of course that works best in calm moments, so it's always good to postpone conflict and move it to calm moments. There is another really great exercise that I also like to do when I'm away and that is to make an appointment, for example once a week, to talk to each person. and the other person just listens for half an hour but nothing more than completely there and really just tries to understand the other person, which is not so easy at first, yes, and then maybe not even the same day, another day or whatever, you have to switch roles, then it's the other person's turn, they just listen and the attack just tries to attack the other person to understand, to sympathize, to get in and that can also solve an incredible amount, but in general In disputes, it is very important that you understand the general conflict team because the other is usually only one theme and variations, and there are only some basic general conflict themes.

One is the secondary values ​​that you realize and the values ​​that we are. "I always worry. Then I often talk about the distribution of tasks, about injustice, so justice is what I also become, so who does what is a very important general topic in which we all have so many things that we perceive reality in a somewhat distorted way and these glasses have a lot to do with our inner child with our childhood imprint, so if I have internal beliefs like I dedicated myself to sewing or I always have to adapt, I'm not important, really I lean towards this Basic.

The attitude towards life can be quickly projected onto my partner, that is, he comes home and has forgotten to buy something that was important to me, that he should please bring with him and I get it back, but never he forgot, I achieve it through my interpretation and the reality that we have. It's me again, because I'm important, but I don't give a shit. Have you thought about it and boom, it's hanging on the ceiling again? I think That's it a really important point, that we never perceive reality as it is, but rather it has always been absent through our perception, of course, biologically.

It's that we always were a reflection of reality through neural processing and through signal conversion of course and once through our conditioning and socialization and how we were just molded like our glasses and I think if you think in it from time to time. Once you realize it, then you manage to step back and see, aha, the situation could be interpreted differently, the possibilities open up and that's always the important thing. There is also one thing that is good for the argument, so I mean the argument has to be true and somehow have a purpose, otherwise there would be no more and that is a remnant.

Intervening is simply good for making your own points of view and interests clear and if the discussions are constant I can also bring a certain liveliness to the relationship. Because there is a dispute, there is also a reconciliation because that would be the exchange. for a short time. This also means that you have a little more dynamism, so you have couples that are incredibly harmonious, sometimes there is missing or it can happen that a little bit of three is missing, so the relationship is somehow a bit relaxed because it is always They understand very well in all aspects, so arguments can also liven up a relationship, but it should not get out of control and not be so terrible, sometimes it can be so deep or so often that I'm behind the real argument, you just mentioned it, hiding other basic needs like, for example, it's always okay, ultimately it's always about our basic needs, we've already had a consequence of that, our need for connection, that's what many discussions revolve around. around the fact that one of the members of the couple did not see each other enough, that I was not accepted and loved enough, or that the other had the feeling that too much was expected of me, our need for autonomy and independence, is say, how well can I fulfill myself in the relationship, how much freedom do I have in the relationship to be able to do my own thing, to increase our need and self-worth, of course there is also this recognition and attention and that you are each otherThe union also feels what you really are and I don't just feel certain characteristics and of course it's also about avoiding bad feelings so to avoid this andwin as much as possible and of course discussions can arise there as well, and it's about how we design them.

Free time or maybe too much boredom or due to injuries, then I hurt myself a lot in the relationship and that is a strong feeling of pleasure, of course, but if I give my partners a lot of recognition and goodwill and attention then of course that creates those good feelings and that means I like being there with my partner you know, passive-aggressive people of course there are, so why is it going so crazy again? Because passive-aggressive people don't take responsibility. because of their anger and because they are terribly helpless. Doing it passive aggressively is this cold anger, shutting down, letting the other person come, wasting time, etc., they're immediately late, so it's always this passive resistance or saying things but not implementing them at all, it's also great to have a relationship conversation with the right aggressive person, yes, a conversation where the passive aggressive lays down and says yo ho yo I'm doing it right, I'm doing it and what's up It's okay, you can talk into a wall so easily like they do, so helpless because you are so helpless because they let everyone get up like that.

With passive-aggressive, there are somehow no compromises or problems. It's constructive, it's just a very Destructive thing. The active aggressive, you don't really know where you stand, yes, and especially when he falls again, but you still have the opportunity to have another good negotiation with him passive aggressive, they feel so quickly that their autonomy and self-determination have the advantage that they can be very stubborn, so stubbornness is a characteristic that is almost favored by suddenly aggressive substances, how is it treated?, difficult, so stubborn, passive aggressive, that they find them anyway Always with the free spirit you don't have any pressure, so they are literally the type where you have to say, please put the vase on the left when you actually want them to put it on the right.

Yes, they have to listen to what they need to do to know what to do. about it You can really look for a constructive conversation on a meta level, especially not in the acute situation, but we are both fine, but we are both in a good mood and we try to motivate you to do something about it in the beginning, otherwise you have to accept them in some way. Again, we shouldn't and shouldn't get lost in power struggles, but to say, okay, that's just the way things are and I know we react a little bit like that and I'll say it now.

With a wink, I'm going to build you a box that you can move in and you can't. That exciting runner wrote to us, she has a completely different topic, which, however, connects me a little with him, she wrote to us. how am I at home random punkt.de I am 45 years old and she writes why can I in my private life I do not like to argue, I do not like to discuss relationships at work, I am good at expressing my opinion and discussing it, it is about objective issues , but otherwise with my partner or friends, conflicts tend to scare me.

I have a hard time saying when I don't like something or it's not what I want instead of arguing, yelling, or playing with the situation. Actually, it's clear to me that it's pretty stupid of the person in front of me. When I'm upwind, I give way very quickly. How do I get out of this behavior? It's actually a piece. Far from this passive-aggressive, well, it's just this high level of conflict aversion and behind that is an incredible fear of rejection, so she's really afraid of being rejected and she's afraid of being rejected and Above all, she is afraid of being rejected.

You run out of arguments to end up in such an inferior position, that means you say something against the wind and then nothing else occurs to you and that is often the case with conflicted people, who think in categories like superior, inferior , win, lose, those are their categories. Now first of all I advise you to develop an inner attitude, we are on equal terms and it is not about winning or losing, but about the matter. and then it's better to prepare a little bit in writing and think of some arguments for your point of view, but I always say that the bridge to point of view security in the arguments so you can really train yourself in arguing and also think about what the arguments from the other person and give everyone a bit of a break if you later get to the result, but actually she was right, she doesn't need to enter the situation at all if she says to my side that that's what's important now.

Those are my arguments that she just creates a calm situation and I hope it happens somehow, that I also like conflict, not giving up instead of actively confronting the situation and then just addressing the issue in a friendly way. Yes, that's the point. that people who are conflict averse often only get confused when they are already about to explode because only really strong anger makes them Let fear win is good, it is a very strong feeling to overcome fear and then you will fall Come out and say things too harshly and it is important that you make it clear.

I can still formulate everything in a friendly way, so no information is lost and ever. The sooner I say something, the more harmless it actually is, and then the issue is not so big. If I say it online, then my partner or the other person also has the opportunity to respond to me first, so this fairness value is supposed to be for people who are more conflict averse. It is very important that you install it consciously, so to speak, and that you are aware of this value and every time you feel that you are about to withdraw again, think about what I am doing, it is really fair because you don't actually have any in relationship with it Possibility of knowing what my situation is, there is no possibility of answering me, there is no possibility of apologizing if he unknowingly hurt me and what does that usually lead to when you avoid conflict, you close yourself off more and more internally and honestly withdraw from the relationship but no bad word is said, the other person does not know anything about these internal processes, maybe at some point the relationship of whatever type will end, whether it is a friendship in a love relationship, whatever, and until now it still does not know they say a bad word to each other Become aware, is it really fair because with higher values ​​we can overcome our fear?

So higher values ​​strengthen our spine, with higher values ​​we can overcome our fears. own fear and so justice and a very important value that you can work with and then really talk and also listen to what the other person is saying and there is a phrase that is incredibly easy to say, which is, you're right. when you really think that others are right, but also stick to yourself and your arguments when you cannot agree with the other person and there is Yes, it is still a great opportunity to reach a compromise. I know what you've asked yourself, why is she so good at arguing in her professional life and not in her private life and what tricks could she use from her professional context to her private life?

So I think she is professional, she has greater role security and also more distance with people. So they are not as close to her heart as her friends or her partner and everything she writes to him is about the topic and she simply feels that the argument is stronger. He learned something from her work, from everything, and that's where she puts her arguments. together when it comes to emotional matters and that is often what is dealt with in private, your own needs, your own desires, your own values ​​and that is why the arguments are not always so clear, well, now I have the right to say that.

I have the right to demand something. Yes, that means the argument chain is different and you can think about it and write an argument. Yes, I have one too. I have the right to expect my partner to be on time so I have the right to expect my partner to have time for me on the weekend and yes the discussion is usually more vague and you can train yourself to do it, think about it or talk about it with friends because people who are averse to conflict always give more importance to the needs of others than to their own and arguments can also be very, very important, saying it, thinking it, it's really like that, we are on equal terms, It is not a successful association between both of them, they have the same needs and in fact it is possible, this is now a young man, a very interesting aspect has been found in brain studies, so you do a scan and so on, I tell you that certain things can be overcome. fears.

By stimulating the frontal cortex, which is the seat of the brain, reason instead of, actually, if you train yourself to argue, which is actually more of a cognitive thing, every reason touches that. In fact, you can also use it to address fears because I would like to talk about the underlying fear again. People are sometimes afraid of conflict. You might have to burn the other person permanently if you get into a fight like this. How can I get rid of this fear or how can I face this fear? This fear usually comes from childhood. Conflict often brings about a genetically peaceful outcome.

We are born naturally with our genes and if we then meet parents who are not very good at dealing with conflict, that is, the parents' house is already conflict averse or the parents are very authoritarian and strict, then there is such a climate. fearful in the parents' house. That's on top of that and then there's the fear that conflict could destroy the relationship. perhaps it was experienced by the parents in such a way that the parents became very loud and aggressive or they were punished by withdrawing their love and in any case they withdrew in some way.

If you've had that experience too often as a child, it doesn't help, no matter what you say and do, it doesn't help. That's also the favorite saying of people who avoid conflict. World, of course, is a misconception that is formed in childhood. You have to be really aware that today I have grown up and it is easy to try and if you combine that again with the value of justice then you can make it clear to yourself that I have everything in my power to do what the other person can do is no longer. my responsibility, but it was my responsibility to address issues that bother me so that this relationship is constructive, that is my responsibility and to make the other person's idea clear and then inform that it has something to do with childhood, then if the relationship is so unstable that he can't handle a conflict over the issue, then it's not good anyway, especially what crisis, what real crises he can handle and then the ship breaks.

The next big wave anyway, it's no use having this belief, although I always take it as a good opportunity to hide, so I think a lot of people have that for their own lives. Well, it's no use. In fact, I hide behind negative feelings that I am afraid in a conflict and it is important to get rid of this belief, how can you get rid of this belief? Well, I think it's good to use aluminum foil to always be aware of what would have been true with mom and dad, the country is often a losing battle, but today I'm not big and there are arguments, so I think the training of these arguments is very, very important because it also gives you a strong backbone, it gives you a security point of view and you can also train for that battle drill when you drive a car or Clean the house everywhere, if sometimes.

Then you have time or you can sit down and paint things that you've forgotten to open your mouth and go over them again in your head, so you can really practice a little, train a little. you always argue, you also like to say things out loud, so that sometimes you can hear yourself speak, it's actually true, I just trained and then I also started with my smaller situations and I can so many people for my client who have dared to do this and they are becoming more and more assertive in their opinions and in fact everyone has a positive experience across the board, the fact that this is such an environment is received positively because the environment makes me happy, it's great, I finally know what am I facing here, so for example I am afraid of people in my circle of friends who are conflict averse because I can't trust them to represent themselves and then they can easily do so.

What happens is that they perceive me as dominant because they feel smaller and project dominance. inside of me. I don't even have the end of the story. They go. So far, they haven't said a bad word and resent me for doing things I never actually did. They are because they happen in your head and you also deny the other person the opportunity to reflect on the other person, it is somewhat unfair and I think a very, very important guiding principle is what would I wish for myself? I wish for me that the other person would say yes, that doesn't help anyway and they would walk away and then I wish that the other person would come up to me and say hey that and that hurt me in some way that bothered me can we talk about Those are always very important aspects or he simply said, let me go, what else do I want for myself in wishes and with that he does not necessarily threaten the other person, but in reality he gives him a gift, that is, the gift of authenticity and relationship. , because that means entering into a relationship with another person, even if you don't initially associate them aspositive.

The person I'm with is actually non-objective and active all the time. On a totally emotional level, I'm always bringing things into the discussion that don't even belong there. That's really bad. I do it when it happens because the other person feels really cornered or because they are just on the dock. Okay, but if it is basically an attitude, then I am fighting a losing battle, then it is someone who is very thoughtless, who is, as I once said, a shadow child and who has not reflected on these problematic attacks of the inner child and that's a quality of relationship that I personally didn't want to live with, so that's what you call totally poisoned or toxic, so someone who has a very distorted perception and is neurotic, I'll say it in technical jargon, It's completely blatantly miscast and I can't express myself emotionally at all.

Also, I can only relate to a certain extent, I would just avoid people like that and in the current situation, it may also happen that a distance of one and a half meters is currently, but in the current situation, if that seemed to be just the city, no It necessarily has to be only the partner, that can also happen. In any case. , other people don't go into a justification, sorry, for you to make the point clear once, maybe make it clear a second time and then say the point internally, doesn't avoid getting caught up in such completely useless things. conversation, I think it's hard to imagine that you're related to the person just hypothetically no, I can put it that way.

I have someone in my family who does the same thing. I know if he got to a certain level with these people, I would shoot him. Most of the poison arrows that I have I haven't gotten to that level in years, that's smart, but it also makes me feel like I don't feel like I'm knowing these people authentically without a percentage, so the relationship that I have this person who suffers a lot so I know that if I had a more intense relationship, I would run the risk of entering into the most violent conflict. Yes, that means you can have a non-linear relationship with it.

And that is a question of authenticity, yes, but that's the way it is, it can't be done with everyone. The relationship is closer and it is also the case that sometimes communication is overvalued, you cannot communicate with everyone on equal terms. I always have such a beautiful image of myself. I imagine two people sitting in different high-rise buildings. They stay that way for life and yes, maybe one is on the fiftieth floor and one is on the third floor in the uniform overview of the entire city and the parks and everything in the other look at the coal ad in front and now they should focus on a common reality.

Some people will not be able to do that as long as they are both completely identified with their point of view, that is to say that they do not know that there is one sitting above that is in the rounds, that means that they have to watch from the outside. Look here, there is every fifty floor sitting there, I'm sitting, I'm sitting, everything is clear. So can they agree on a common reality? This means that if the person they are opposite reflects poorly on this point where they are always freaking out, then they are fighting a losing battle and are actually just holding back and maintaining the relationship. on other levels I was filling it with other conversations, which I really think is a total shame sometimes, so yeah, if your own mother is your own father, the ultrasound, or your own brother's own sister.

If it is people like this, they are all very close. relatives. If you want it first, is there only one sister or brother that I can get along really well with, or would it just be possible to have a closer relationship with their mom? Of course, that's Charlie, he's sad too. Do you believe? you could just hypothetically know that the other person just can't do that and then accept it in the situation and say, "Hey, I know this person is acting out of native desperation." These poisoned arrows are no longer dedicated, but actually reflect the lack of understanding of the human world.

It's a protection mechanism, someone who argues in a very unpleasant way. In reality it is a protection strategy for the human being himself. I am strong enough and I say yes, I can handle it, I know there is no more to give, what is the point of getting it, but still the situation can be solved, so I don't want to go into it now because I know my uncles are talking nonsense. to some stupid conservatives. We have to put it in Or say exactly, you have a very strange childhood and you are socialized incorrectly, so you really have to do it to yourself.

Yes, for me, of course, it's personal things and personal issues, but I know what, especially because I still want an authentic relationship. And I wonder how I can achieve it, but maybe that's the way, so maybe that's the way and at this distance that, in my opinion, if they don't authentically argue with each other, they seek closeness, Well, so I wrote a great book about it after it because it strengthens your self-esteem because I give a lot of advice for communication and conflict training and also how to argue and also on sharpness, so I give a lot of communication. help, especially for people who are insecure and therefore quickly feel the same and are somehow left speechless, it is also available as an audiobook, but as an e-book, it's okay, thanks for listening and I hope we can See you next time. audio no