EVERY HILARIOUS performance from comedy genius Daliso Chaponda! | Britain's Got Talent

You can tell me it's a financial crisis when there are planes flying over Birmingham throwing fish and chips out the window. I admit that I am looking for love. You know, I have to get that citizenship. You know, I used to do a lot of Brexits. jokes, but I haven't done any of this yet because I don't know what's going on. I had to go back to Africa just to see what a stable government is like. Who are you here with? So I'm here alone. My brother no, no, he wanted to come, he is a doctor and he told me that he should save lives or go with you.

Your parents were disappointed because one of you was a comedian and one of you was a doctor. They were absolutely horrified because I was studying computer science. programming so I had a future and I just decided not to let myself be a clown so we'll see oh honey good luck ok excellent well I'm already that age now all my friends are getting married and married people forget how horrible it is to be single them He loves to call me and complain about his relationship problems, they always understand, you are very lucky to be single. I come home, my wife starts nagging, as if I'm saying, she hears, I have to nag myself.

I get home, I say, what time do I call? Why do I never wash the dishes? Sometimes I think I don't appreciate myself. I haven't always been a comedian. I did some weird jobs. I used to clean houses and I admit I was tempted to steal. Thou shalt not steal because the Bible says thou shalt not steal, but nowhere does it say thou shalt not barter. I took a stereo, I left a walkman, I took a plasma screen, I left an engraving, a sketch, as I mentioned. I'm from Africa. I moved here 10 years ago and immediately.

I moved here I heard a lot of Brits talking about the financial crisis the recession I'm from Africa What are you maniacs talking about? They call that a crisis if that is a crisis. Where is UNICEF? Where is Bono? I haven't seen one to save the UK. concert, you can tell me it's a financial crisis when there are planes flying over Birmingham throwing fish and chips out the window. There will be a financial crisis when there are ads on TV saying this trip has to walk five miles a day to get a bottle. from wkd blue and 100, you have a financial crisis when India starts opening call centers here.

Can you imagine that a poor man in Mumbai calls his bank and ends up talking to a brummie? Thank you so much. I, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for that. Welcome and thank you Amanda for ringing the bell since you did, my life has been crazy. People come up to me on the trail saying well done, but the most common question I get is: Where is Mali Maui from? It's Malawi and if there is any. of you don't know where it is, it's where Madonna adopted all of our babies, yes you're jealous, I miss my little brother and Angelina took my sister so I was in the UK for a while and they cheated on me. moving here I got tricked because I was watching TV and I saw this angry guy come on TV and say, "Oh, these immigrants are taking all the good jobs, all the good women." I thought, "wow, that's what I'm looking for, but I know sometimes it's

comedy

." Sometimes it's hard to laugh because the news is full of depressing things, but I think it's misleading because incredible things happen

every

day, small acts of kindness, but they don't report it, they put it on page 10, they open with pessimism. if bbc news was yours you would never miss look i'm not going to that depressing barbecue i'm going out with cartoon network but it's an amazing time to be alive people say things like oh i missed the good old days the good ones old times were terrible we have amazing things we have wi-fi we have rights women can vote I'm black 200 years ago this would have been an auction we've come a long way that's all I'm saying but even with the pessimism the Malawian press is much worse than your prayers.

I'll tell you as if I did the first

comedy

show in Malawi, which is no achievement. I'm the only right comedian and I called the local press and said they would send a reporter. The editor said: Oh, why don't you write the review yourself? Give me some money. I will say that we wrote it. I was disgusted by the complete lack of integrity in the Malawian press but wow that was the best review I have ever received seven stars he is a

genius

African michael mcintyre but it is crazy I am on TV right now because my ex He always felt like he wasn't ambitious enough, she always used to be. like you're a comedian come on be more ambitious I said hey I'm happy she said you're not happy I said I think I'm happy she said no be more ambitious I didn't sign up for someone who's not going to Nowhere.

I snapped, I said look, you knew I wasn't ambitious the day we met out of all the women at the bar, I approached you, yeah you're laughing, I'm single now and I'm looking for love, I admit it, I'm looking. for love, you know, you have to get that citizenship, you know, but it's hard to date on a budget. I remember going on a date and the woman made a lot more money than me, which is not a problem, we are in the 21st century, but I was embarrassed, I remember the waiter came over, I assumed he was going to pay, I put the bill in front of me.

To me, I had to go home, I'll buy the next one, I felt so pathetic watching her pay, I wanted so badly to be part of the transaction, so I just took the change. I don't understand the British. I saw a beautiful British woman looking in a mirror upset. I said: What is happening? She said: Can't you see? It's a fat mirror. I asked him: What do you mean by the first fact? She said this mirror makes me look fatter than I really am I said wow I think my eyes have the same problem I wasn't making fun of her don't be mad at me it was a cultural misunderstanding I'm from Africa it's different when we see someone overweight we don't think In going on a diet we're more like, where did you get your food?

I think we have to follow her home thank you ladies and gentlemen it has been a pleasure thank you thank you thank you very much it is so good to be I came back and I just realized that you had Kenya, now Malawi. This part of the show has been sponsored by the former British colonies, but they have been very supportive and wonderful since I did the show yesterday, people came up to me saying oh. You were great, you're great, I hope you're better tonight, you're fine, you're fine, I hope you're better, which is great, but you couldn't do this anywhere else in your life.

Could you go on a date? and I know like my ex is very perverted I hope you're better but it's hard to be romantic in fact I remember my ex looked at me one time and said you know how sweet I would die for you I panicked all that came out It was thank you. There was a long awkward silence and then she went with "die for me", I told her I'd take a lot and she punched me in the face and I know you're all worried right now because you've had those post-Brexit divorce talks. Will you get a good deal?

You will get a bad deal if you got a bad deal. Don't worry. I have the backup plan for you to join the African Union. We will take you. Think about it. Your money has been devalued. You had deputies. handling charges you're practically African I know sometimes I crossed the line actually Simon yesterday you said you liked me I'm not PC but the brilliant thing is in the UK I can be non PC I can cross the line worse that will happen if one of you will send a letter of complaint. I can make jokes about your government, no problem, these are not the same rules in Africa.

Do you think he would ever go to Zimbabwe and make a Robert Mugabe joke? Do you think I'll go? to north korea and make a kim jong-un joke it would be that

britain

has arrests oh but I love it here I love it here and sometimes I get some weird racism but it's very subtle it's little things like I'm in a store the another the day someone saw me thought I was going to steal something they started following me their eyes I just had a little fun I just went can you help me? I want to steal this but I admit racism happens in all directions it's not just white black happens black on white it happened in my own family I was so embarrassed a friend of mine from Denmark decided to backpack through Africa he went through Malawi many of my uncles I had seen white people on television and never met any.

Very excited, I got a call and he said, "Hey, your white friend is coming here. Wow, you should stay with me, don't worry, I can cook rice. I think he realized why people need to eat white food, so I let him stay with my uncle ben del arroz." But after two days my uncle looked very upset I said what's wrong he said oh I think you gave me a defective white man I said what you mean is defective he said your friend acts exactly like us I said he's a human being what did you expect? and with the tear in his eye i thought i was going to do some crazy white things, i just wanted a story for the pub, so when no one was looking, i went to matthias and told him yo me yo me the next few days just do some crazy things about White people, tell him a story, he said no, I'm the first white man he's met.

I think it's very important that he doesn't live up to any false stereotypes. I told him, Matthias, you're not paying for the food. You're not paying for accommodation the least you can do is some white madness, so he slept with my uncle's wife and then took his land and then made him a Christian. Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. It has been a pleasure. Thank you. thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you judges, how are you all doing, it's great to be back ladies and gentlemen, I did Britain's Got Talent in 2017.

I came third, I'm very happy with third place because The way I see it, coming third if it were the Olympic hundred meters is like being the first white man, but the person who won in 2017 gave all the prize money to a charity to help underprivileged children, it's not that surprising , you better be impressed. because I would have, I wouldn't have done that, I wouldn't have done that, I would be in Hawaii right now, I'm not a monster, I would have given some of the money to help disadvantaged women, but that would have been based on a personal one-on-one agreement. and I'm single again and the world is made for couples he likes to remind you that you're single you go to a fancy hotel they put two robes on the bed one of them is empty judging you

every

thing comes in packs of two even ready meals loners' food is perfect for two, but I'm at that stage in my career, which is interesting because I get recognized a lot, but a lot of people don't know why I get recognized.

I was on a train recently and someone started making assumptions it's like we go to school together dude I was like no that's not it the observers said no it's not like that he realizes and jumps up and says I saw this guy in bgt it's really funny did you see it, i voted for you five times you're really funny i saw this guy one of the people who didn't think it was funny and the guy who didn't said no he was terrible and then i sat there awkwardly as the whole train car erupted into a debate about what's funny I just wasn't there, it was very funny, no, it was terrible, no, it was funny, no, it's terrible and I realized I'm the new Brexit and I used to I make a lot of jokes about Brexit, but I haven't done any of this.

However, since I don't know what's going on, I had to go back to Africa just to see what a stable government looks like. you did it to yourselves, you did it to yourselves. I am African. I could have advised them to never vote unless you fix it first, but the biggest difference in Africa is actually that the churches touch your hand. If you've been to an African church, everyone should go, whether religious or not, because we have fun there, people clap, people sing, people jump. I said hallelujah amen it's a holiday this is what I grew up with the first time I went to a British Anglican church I was confused it was so boring I thought someone gets up god is busy you have to get his attention and in African churches it's even better because we have miracles happening.

I once stood next to a woman who began speaking in tongues. She didn't expect it. She just got up and left. I didn't know what it meant. Then I moved to the church. United Kingdom, now I know you were Welsh, you, you.