Ricky Gervais at the 68th Golden Globe Awards - 2011

and now your friends for the evening ladies and gentlemen Ricky Gervais thank you hello and hello welcome to the

68th

Annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. It will be a night of partying and excessive drinking or as Charlie Sheen calls it. breakfast Wow, let's get this straight. What he did was pick up a porn star and paid her to have dinner with him. He introduced her to his ex-wife while you were doing it. He went to an old towel. He got drunk. He got naked. He trashed the place while she was locked up. in the closet and that was a Monday, what did he do?

New Year's Eve anyway welcome the Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in television and film over the past year voted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association it was a great year for 3D movies Toy Story Despicable Me Tron seems That everything this year was three-dimensional except for the characters of The Tourist, I feel bad about that joke, okay, no, I won't tell you why I'm joining the bandwagon because I haven't even seen the tourist. Who knows that he must be good because he's nominated? So shut up, okay? And I'd like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason the tourist was nominated was so the Hollywood foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. that's rubbish that's not the only reason they also took bribes.

No, all that happened was that some of them were taken to see Cher in concert. How the hell does a bribe actually want to go see Cher? No, why not? It's not 1975, there are plenty of important films that weren't nominated this year. Nothing for Sex in the City. No, I was sure that the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that retouched that poster. What a great job, girls, we know. How old are you? I've seen one of you on an episode of Bonanza and you weren't nominated either. I love you Philip Morris Jim Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor straight actors pretending to be gay so it's the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists so my lawyer probably has Helped me with the wording of that joke they're not here okay , there have been great new TV dramas this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so we were talking about The Walking Dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who was getting married at the age of 84.

Beauty Crystal Harris, 24, when asked why she was marrying him, said because he lied about his age, he told me he was 94, oh come on, don't worry, wait and just don't look at him when Play It Hurt One of the biggest events on television this year was the finale of I Lost One of My Favorites and all the questions were answered. Yeah, I have to say that even though it was a pretty complicated ending, I'm not sure I understood it all. but from what I can understand, I'm pretty sure the fat guy acts them all. I think we should move on.

Our first presenter is beautiful, talented and Jewish. Apparently, Mel Gibson told me that he's obsessed. Please welcome Scarlett Johansson as Pac-Man. Well, you know, our next movie host like Hudson Hawk look who's talking mercury rising color of night Fifth element war of hearts please welcome Ashton Kutcher's father Bruce Willis next step Eva Longoria has the hard time task of introducing the president of the Hollywood foreign press, that's nothing. I just had to help him out of the bathroom and put his teeth in. It was a disaster. Please welcome Gloria's illness. That's my favorite movie of the year.

The creator of Facebook, of course, Mark Zuckerberg. He's supposedly worth seven billion dollars. Heathermills calls him the one who got away from the grid the next two hosts are funny, charming and down to earth he's Alec from the rock she's just Jenny from the block if the block in question is the one on Rodeo Drive between Cartier and Prada, please give him welcome everyone to Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez. right, I love this next host, he's so cool, he's the star of Iron Man, two girls and a boy, Wonder Boys, sorry, these porn movies, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Bowfinger, really, yeah, at the academy, Come on, he's made all those movies, but many of you in this room probably know him best from facilities like the Betty Ford Clinic and the Los Angeles County Jail.

Please welcome Robert Downey Jr. Okay, the next host is a true Hollywood icon in ten of the biggest blockbusters of all time. He has demonstrated extraordinary acting versatility. He has played a boxer and Rambo. Please welcome Sylvester Stallone. Our next hosts are two of the funniest people in America. She stole the show on Saturday Night Live then created her own show rye and sty 30 rock, her acting career wasn't going so well if I'm totally honest, whoo-hoo got her big break when I cast her in a remake . from a show I created called the office, now she's leaving that show and killing a source of income for both of us, please welcome the wonderful Tina Fey and the ungrateful Steve, welcome back now that our next hosts are young and thin with the hair and teeth they have.

It's lovely to watch, which is all the better because they're presenting the Best Foreign Language Film Award, a category no one in America cares about. Please welcome Olivia Wilde and Robert Pattinson. Okay, what can I say about our next two presenters? He is an actor, producer, writer and director whose films have grossed more than three and a half billion dollars at the box office. He has won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances starring in films such as Apollo 13, Forrest Gump's Castaway in Philadelphia and Saving. Private Ryan, the other is Tim Allen.

Hello and welcome back. The next presenter is the national treasure. Miss Congeniality herself, this down-to-earth neighbor, first stole our hearts as a bus driver and then as a train ticket collector. She now she, of course, she would. You won't see me dead on public transportation because she just told me backstage, poor people are disgusting and smelly. Please welcome Sandra Bullock. Thank you so much. That's all. Justice well done. Thank you to everyone in the room for being good sports. Thank you NBC thank you Hollywood Foreign Press thank you for watching at home and thank God for making me an atheist thank you