How to Stop Taking Things Personally

Alright, today we're going to talk about the best tactics for not

taking

things

personally

and I'm going to share tactics that you can use in the moment, as well as tactics that you can use later, which is usually When to really take

things

personally

. bothers us usually is after the situation so we're going to talk about very useful tactics for both situations so let's quickly talk about why it's a problem when we take things personally correctly and then we can talk about tactics for not doing that because If it's not a problem to take things personally, then go for it, take things personally, but I would say there are two problems, one is that the moment we take something personally we're probably not responding in the best way. so in the moment we can get very defensive, we can get angry, we can attack, we can run away, we can shut down, we can freeze whatever our habitual pattern is, if we take things personally, that pattern is probably like a boom right there, so we're not responding in the moment in the best way for ourselves and others, and then the other problem with

taking

things personally is that we go over it again and again afterwards and we just torture ourselves by ruminating and really continually thinking about it and everyone the different angles and all the different arguments and you know what I'm talking about if you do this, so those two reasons, one that you torture yourself afterwards and two that you don't respond as well in the middle of the situation, are really the reasons why taking things personally is a problem so by the way if you're new to my channel my name is barbara heffernan.

I was a psychotherapist for 20 years helping people recover from anxiety and trauma and now continued my work online with life coaching. I do international life coaching and I develop programs and courses to help people live happier lives so welcome I'll start with how to deal with that later because I think you'll need to practice some of these techniques afterwards and really learn how to reset how to reframe how to think about situations differently how to calm yourself down and then you'll be able to respond better in the moment so I think dealing with the side effect of taking things too personally first is the Very helpful so I just noticed my coffee is behind my.

I'm going to take it because this is the second of two videos I'm filming today and if you want to criticize me for drinking coffee, I won't take it personally, but it's actually a very good topic and for people who have a lot of anxiety, you need to be very careful with how much coffee they drink, that's a topic for another video, so when we take things too personally afterwards, we reflect on it, go over it, and overwrite it. How could they do it? Why do you know what I'm talking about? That's called rumination and what I want you to do the moment you find yourself ruminating.

I want you to

stop

and say this is rumination. It is not useful. Just say it out loud. do it internally if you have to if you're in a public place but I want you to acknowledge it and bring it up so that's actually the first step and along with the first step I have a video on how to

stop

rumination so I think that would be I would be a huge compliment for this because it's a very common thing that we reflect on, so the techniques that I talk about in that video could be very useful for you, but for this one just recognize that you're reflecting and that it's not useful.

So the next step is to figure out what you can do to get out of this rumination just for the moment. To go outside? Go for a run? How can you change your scenario? Change your movement engage in something that you can just at least temporarily stop thinking about it, so that's step two, temporarily stop thinking about it and as you do that, I want you to take a deep breath, a very deep breath, recognize that you are sure enough where you are in the moment, any kind of calming self-talk can accompany this step two, so in a way, get out of rumination, calming self-talk, try changing your scenario, change it a little bit and then the third step is to recognize that.

The reason this bothers you is actually because of your negative core belief, so I talked about this in last week's video, why do you take things so personally? So knowing why we take things so personally can help us understand why we are so upset. was triggered in us, so when you are ready take a moment to recognize what was triggered in you and then if it makes sense in the situation you can also recognize what kind of negative core belief it triggered in the other person, you can skip that if You feel it. too intense, but sometimes it can be very helpful to realize that something is going on with them and it has nothing to do with me, nothing zero, nothing, nothing at all, so recognizing that they are going through their own things can sometimes be help a lot, so I'm a little calm.

These are presented as steps, but they are also techniques. You can find which ones work for you and then you can use those as your option and after a while add one of the other techniques, so the fourth technique I'm going to use. talking is getting a different perspective and there are a couple of ways to do it, you can get a different perspective by talking about this with a friend, going over it with them and if your friend just says, oh, you're taking it too personally, just ask them to dig deeper. So, ask them for a little bit more information about it instead of getting defensive, like really saying okay, help me understand that this isn't about me, so talk to a friend about it and see if you can. get a different perspective through that conversation now some of us have friends who are great at this kind of stuff and others don't like it when we talk to someone and end up feeling worse so don't choose those people but another technique.

Getting a different perspective, seeing it through a different lens is something called filmmaking technique, if you watch the scene that played out like a movie, take a moment and really imagine what happened to you like a movie you're watching on the screen. and then see how you feel about it, see if you have a different perspective on what was happening. The fifth tactic I would recommend is to think about boundaries. Are you in situations where you would benefit from setting better boundaries? For example, if there is someone who always bothers you and provokes you, how could you learn to set boundaries with that person?

That will help you, because you know, when I listen to a lot of these videos about not taking things personally, you hear all the time, well. just let it go, let it go, like sometimes we should let things go and sometimes we shouldn't get it right, if people are intentionally making us angry it's still about them, they might be attacking you very personally, but if you really let to take that personally. you'll be like, "Okay, I don't take it personally, it's about them and I don't have to put up with it, so that's what brings you to effective boundaries and remember that boundaries are about keeping yourself emotionally safe, physically safe." , the limit is".

It's not about changing the other person so that your boundaries never stop this person from triggering you, but your boundaries will help you deal with it better, whether they are internal boundaries on what you let in or external boundaries in terms of how often you let in. that you let in. with this person or when you leave conversations, that's a whole different topic, but think carefully about whether there are boundaries that need to be set in some of these situations that you're taking personally and that really aren't okay, and again, even in those situations it's it's not about you and the more you recognize that, the more empowered you will feel to set those boundaries, so these are the best techniques to implement post-situation when you're in that rumination stage and want to prepare to return to that environment. or other environments where you tend to take things personally or become active as you do that work afterwards, you will become increasingly aware in the moment of what is happening and, as that awareness develops, you will be more able to pause your thinking and respond.

Differently, so the number one tactic the moment you realize you're taking something personally and this is also the number one tactic before you get into a situation where you know you're often getting shot at, you push or provoke you, it's diaphragmatic breathing and I know people don't always want to hear that because they have all kinds of beliefs like it's not that simple, but honestly, diaphragmatic breathing is what will keep your body and your old brain conscious. that you're actually safe even if someone is being rude to you even if someone says things that aren't nice or, as you know, in a lot of these situations where we take things personally, the person doesn't even address us , maybe it's just a sarcastic look that we are interpreting in a particular way. way breathe diaphragmatically make sure that you are safe, no matter what is happening in this situation, you are fine and diaphragmatic breathing does a lot of things, but it will help your whole brain function, it will help all of this work together to discover how do you want to respond if you want to respond and that diaphragmatic breathing will prevent this from being recorded in your brain as if it were a mini trauma that you will later reflect on because remember that when our adrenaline is pumping we focus on the objective as if they were very concentrated .

We're just motivated and we have a sense of urgency and that kind of thing becomes very ingrained in our brain and when we have those spikes of adrenaline and cortisol we go into our freeze flight fight so if you're a freezer you shut down you go numb I don't know. you can't think of anything to say if you're a fighter you start fighting and if you're a flea or you run away well so it's probably not a situation where any of those three are necessary and really that diaphragmatic breathing tactic and I call it a tactic because it's something that you can practice, you can use it at any time, it will help you in the moment and, if possible, be aware of your habitual pattern, right?

Breathe diaphragmatically when this happens and see if you can engage in that habitual pattern which in itself could help change the whole situation and then you can also say to yourself: this is not about me, this is not about Me, believe it. or not, you may have these two parts of your brain. One is saying this is not about me. I know. I know later. I will realize that this is not about me. And then you have that other part. your brain says yes, it's about you, it's about you, you better answer, so the debate will go on for a while until you actually practice this frequently, so just to reiterate the tactics for, in the moment, take something personally, diaphragmatic breathing, I can't emphasize that. stop engaging in your usual fight, flight or freeze mode, make sure this isn't about you and then number four is to implement a boundary if necessary.

These are tactics, they are very useful. Sometimes I separate tactics from true healing. So to really heal that negative core belief underlying your propensity to take things too personally, you may need to do deeper healing work, whether with a therapist or coach, through a program, or through a A little more self-exploration, and off I go. I go into that a little bit in depth in my video on why you take things personally, so if you haven't seen it, you can come back to it. I also have a pdf on how to transform your negative core beliefs that I have heard from many people.

It's very helpful in getting them on the path to real healing for those on a deeper level because the root of the problem is usually that, so I always love to know what you think of the videos, like if you liked it, subscribe to my channel. If you are not subscribed, leave me a comment below. I always try to read the comments and often respond to them. If you have an idea for another video, you can post it. If you have any questions about this please ask if you have the question, I bet there are many other people who have that question too and I really hope I can help you on your healing journey to a happier life, that is my mission here and that is the goal of this channel, so So I appreciate your support and see you next week, bye.