Republicans Release New Health Plan, And We're All Going To Die

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW". I'M STEPHEN COLBERT. WELL, IT'S FINALLY HERE. AFTER SIX YEARS OF TRYING, Republicans finally unveiled their

health

care

plan

last night. Then, by force of habit, they voted to repeal it. (LAUGHTER) NOW, THERE ARE SOME THINGS THEY ARE HIDING FROM OBAMACARE: CHILDREN STAY WITH THEIR PARENTS' HEALTH CARE UNTIL THE AGE OF 26. (Applause and applause) INSURANCE COMPANIES CANNOT DISCRIMINATE DUE TO PRE-EXISTENCE. CONDITIONS. (Applause and applause) GRANDMA WILL STILL BE KILLED BY THE DEATH PANELS WHILE NANCY PELOSI LAUGHES FROM HER SKYBOX Audience: BOOO! Stephen: NO JOY ABOUT THAT, OKAY? FROM OBAMACARE: NO ONE LIKES IT.

CONSERVATIVES CALL IT "OBAMACARE LITE." THEY ARE NOT HAPPY BECAUSE EXPERTS ESTIMATE THIS WILL COVER 20 MILLION FEWER AMERICANS THAN OBAMACARE. Audience: BOOOOO! Stephen: PRETTY HARD. 20 MILLION LESS THAN OBAMA. THAT SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP'S INAUGURATION. (Applause and applause) I FEEL HONORED. SPEAKING OF WHICH, THIS IS TRUE, DUE TO A FREEDOM OF INFORMATION REQUEST, THE PARK SERVICE WAS FORCED TO RELEASE ALL THE PHOTOS THEY TOOK AT TRUMP'S INAUGURATION, BEFORE WE ONLY SEE PART OF THE PHOTO. WE DIDN'T SEE EVERYTHING FROM THE CAPITOL TO THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. THE PHOTOS CAME OUT TODAY. AND IT'S WORSE THAN TRUMP FEARED. JIM, CAN WE PUT IT NEXT TO OBAMA'S?

HERE IS OBAMA AND HERE IS TRUMP. THAT...THAT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE BEFORE AND AFTER PHOTOS OF AN ORKIN AD. THE ISSUE IS THAT 20 MILLION IS A LOT OF PEOPLE WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE. I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO WOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. ♪ ♪ ♪ OH, YES, OKAY, OKAY, GO ON, THAT'S ENOUGH. CONTINUE. I WILL SEE YOU... I WILL SEE YOU IN 70 YEARS! (LAUGHTER) HE'S A GOOD GUY. WOULD YOU LIKE IT. WHERE WAS IT? OH YES, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. (LAUGHTER) ONE OF THE OTHER DIFFERENCES IS THAT TRUMPCARE REPLACES FEDERAL INSURANCE SUBSIDIES WITH TAX CREDITS. SO EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE WELL, BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE YOUR COLONOSCOPY AT H&R BLOCK (LAUGHTER) NOW, I CAN IMAGINE WHAT MANY OF YOU ARE THERE, YOU ARE THERE, I'M SURE, AND EVERYONE THERE IS WORRYING.

YOU ARE SAYING TO YOURSELF, "HOW IS THIS GOING TO AFFECT SUPER RICH INSURANCE COMPANY EXECUTIVES?" Well, good news: The

plan

includes a tax break for insurance company executives who earn more than $500,000 a year. (AUDIENCE BOOSING) SO EVERYONE? (LAUGHTER) SPEAKING OF TAXES, THE BILL ALSO REPEALS THE 10% TAX ON INDOOR TANNING. OH GOD. DONALD TRUMP CAN FINALLY GO TO THE COMPLETE TANDOORI. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) OH, HIS FLESH. SO JUICY. Jon: A SMALL TANDOORI CHICKEN. Stephen: HIS FLESH IS GOING TO FALL OFF THE BONE. YOGURT SAUCE, FANTASTIC. AND THEN THERE'S THE STRANGE FACT THAT IN A 66-PAGE DOCUMENT, THAT'S WHAT THEY PUBLISHED, A 66-PAGE PLAN.

SEVEN OF THOSE PAGES ARE ABOUT DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY WINNERS. MORE THAN 10% ARE SIMPLY DENYING MEDICAID TO LOTTERY WINNERS, WHICH IS SHOCKING. IF ANY EVENT, TRUMP SHOULD EMPATHIZE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO WERE GIVEN A LOT OF MONEY THEY DIDN'T EARN. (Applause and applause) HE WAS BORN-- HE WAS BORN WITH A LOTTERY TICKET IN HIS HAND. Jon: THAT WAS NICE. Stephen: NOW, FOR FISCAL CONSERVATIVES, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS HOW MUCH WILL ALL THIS COST? WELL, THE NUMBERS INSIDE, AND IT'S ABOUT 3.4, WE HAVE NO (BLEEP) IDEAS, BECAUSE THE REPUBLICANS LAUNCHED THIS LAW WITHOUT ESTIMATES OF ITS COST FROM THE CONGRESSIVE BUDGET OFFICE.

SO THE BILL WILL BE LIKE THOSE Fancy RESTAURANTS WHERE THEY DON'T HAVE WHAT IT COSTS ON THE MENU. "HMM, WHAT IS THE HEART SURGERY? MARKET PRICE. I WILL JUST FILL MY THORACIC CAVITY WITH BREAD. THANK YOU." REPUBLICANS DEFENDED THE PLAN. HERE'S OREGON CONGRESSMAN GREG WALDEN: WE ARE LIKE THE AMBULANCE CREW THAT ARRIVED AT THE SCENE OF THE ACCIDENT. WE ARE HERE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS AND HEAL PATIENTS. Stephen: THAT'S NOT IT YET. IT'S MORE LIKE AN AMBULANCE CREW THAT HATES THE PREVIOUS AMBULANCE CREW SO MUCH THEY TAKE THE PATIENTS OUT OF THAT AMBULANCE AND PUT THEM INTO THEIR OWN AMBULANCE, WHICH THEY ARE STILL BUILDING. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE) NOW, THE BURDEN OF THESE CHANGES FALLS MAINLY ON THE WORKING POOR, WHO RECEIVED SOME ADVICE FROM THE UTAH CONGRESS AND CAPTAIN OF THE BAD TEAM FROM "THE MIGHTY DUCKS": JASON CHAFFETZ.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? AMERICANS HAVE CHOICES AND MUST MAKE A CHOICE. AND MAYBE INSTEAD OF GETTING THAT NEW iPHONE THAT THEY LOVE AND WANT TO SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS ON IT, MAYBE THEY SHOULD INVEST IN THEIR OWN HEALTH CARE. Stephen: YES, THE AVERAGE COST OF HEALTH INSURANCE FOR A FAMILY IS $25,000 SO YOU POOR GUYS STOP BUYING 33 iPHONES EVERY YEAR. (LAUGHTER) JUST THAT SIMPLE. (Applause) iPHONE FANS. GREAT FANS OF THE iPHONE. AND TODAY, SEAN SPICER ANSWERED QUESTIONS ABOUT TRUMPCARE ON THE WHITE HOUSE SHOW-AND-TELL. THESE OVER 974 PAGES WERE TURNED, AND THEN WE WERE TOLD WE HAD TO READ THEM.

OUR PLAN, IN MANY FEWER PAGES, 123, MUCH SMALLER, MUCH BIGGER. LOOK AT THE SIZE. THESE ARE THE DEMOCRATS. WE ARE. THERE'S... I MEAN, YOU COULD NOT BE CLEARER IN TERMS OF THIS GOVERNMENT. THIS IS NOT. Esteban: YES. WHEN WRITING SOMETHING, SHORTER IS ALWAYS BETTER. THIS IS WHY "MOBY DICK" IS MUCH, MUCH WORSE THAN THE INSTRUCTION BOOK THAT COMES WITH YOUR RICE COOKER. (LAUGHTER) LOOK, IF SHORTER IS BETTER, WHY NOT A ONE AGE PLAN THAT JUST SAYS, "GET AWAY." (Applause and applause) ♪ EXIT ♪ Stephen, OF COURSE, THE OTHER BIG STORY TODAY IS THAT TRUMP'S BEST FRIENDS ON WIKILEAKS TOOK A WIKIDUMP AT THE C.I.A.

THEY RELEASED 8,000 PAGES OF DOCUMENTS DETAILING THE AGENCY'S CYBER SPYING POWERS, PROVING THAT THE C.I.A. HE IS CAPABLE OF EVERYTHING, EXCEPT KEEPING A SECRET. (LAUGHTER) AND YOU KNOW WHO I WANT TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS? GENERAL MICHAEL HAYDEN WHO WILL BE HERE LATER IN THE SHOW. I WAS IN THE C.I.A. And the N.S.A. YOU WILL HAVE ONE OR TWO THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THIS AND THE WHOLE MATTER, ALSO THE TRUMP MATTER. THERE ARE SOME CRAZY REVELATIONS BESIDES THIS WIKILEAKS DUMP. THE C.I.A. APPARENTLY HAS A PROGRAM CODE CALLED "WEEPING ANGEL," WHICH USES SAMSUNG SMART TVS AS COVERT LISTENING DEVICES.

EVEN WHEN IT APPEARS TO BE OFF, THE TV COULD BE RECORDING CONVERSATIONS IN THE ROOM AND SENDING THEM TO A C.I.A. SERVER. OH LORD. THIS IS TRUE: I HAVE ALL THE SAMSUNG TVS IN MY HOUSE. And that means the CIA has spent hundreds of hours searching for the remote control. WHERE IS? WHAT IS IT... WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS! WHO TOOK IT? WHO TOOK IT! WHO TOOK HIM INTO THE KITCHEN! I ALSO SEE NUDES, SO YOU'RE GETTING A GREAT SHOT HERE. WHO TOOK-- Jon: THE MOON. Stephen: THAT JOKE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

AND DON'T THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A VICTIM OF ANTI-VIRUS OR PROTECTION SOFTWARE THAT YOU ARE SAFE. BECAUSE ONE OF THE WIKILEAKES DOCUMENTS DESCRIBES A DEFECT IN THE SECURITY SOFTWARE MADE BY THE COMODO COMPANY AS "A DOOM HOLE". (LAUGHTER) WHAT I BELIEVE IS ALSO WHAT REPUBLICANS CALL THEIR REPLACEMENT OF OBAMACARE. CHOPPER CHEAPER SPEAKS-- Jon: THAT'S A GREAT CALL. Stephen: Meanwhile, the White House reopened for tours today for the first time since the inauguration, and one tour group was surprised by an appearance by Donald Trump! HELLO! WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN? Hey Yes! He learned that...this move...this move right there, yeah!

He learned that move...he learned that move backstage at the Miss United States pageant. WHO IS NAKED! (Applause and applause) THAT JOKE IS ALSO BASED ON A TRUE STORY. (LAUGHTER) SAD WHAT TO SAY. AND ROLL THIS AGAIN, JIMMY. LOOK WHO'S PAINTING IS IN FRONT OF HILLARY CLINTON. WOW. (Applause and applause) THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE. APPARENTLY, PRESIDENTIAL PORTRAITS ARE COMMISSIONED BASED ON THE POPULAR VOTE. (Applause and applause) Jon: IT'S COMING BALANCED! Stephen: NOW, WHILE I WAS THERE, THE PRESIDENT SELECTED A YOUNG TOUR MEMBER FOR A PALA ON THE BACK, HOPEFULLY INSPIRING THAT YOUNG MAN TO BELIEVE THAT ONE DAY HE TOO COULD GROW UP TO DO ANYTHING FOR ATTENTION.