Anthony Jeselnik at Funny as Hell - Montreal

thank you, thank you, you know, when John Doerr asked me to be here tonight, I told him to suck my dick and now I'm here, this is true, my mom should have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11 . I think it's fun to make jokes about 9/11 in Canada. Much better, better answer. I don't think he's a bad person. I'm a bad guy for telling that joke. You know, I'm as good a guy as you'll ever get. hit a woman, you know, I would never hit a woman, even if she had a knife or stuttered, that's not how I do business, in fact, I might be one of the greatest guys ever, like I had a son in Africa , Yeah.

I have a child in Africa that I feed, dress, school, inoculate for 75 cents a day, which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there when I was a child, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a cemetery . $10,000 in damages but we had a great attorney who reduced it to criminal trespass and necrophilia. I talk a lot about death. I think it's

funny

that my whole family is like that, in fact, even long before I was born. The great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to call it a suicide, but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

That's good and people get weird when kids die. Oh, that was a fact about a month ago. Some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide and seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's the only thing that was talked about for weeks. I said: Who cares how many kids you know die as winners? Yes, there are some things I just don't do. I don't understand it like I never understood foot fetishism. I mean, are you guys here together? No, are you guys here together? It's okay, don't worry so much about how long you were together for five years.

Wow, does it ever suck? standing up, you wouldn't do it if you had another girlfriend, he is like that, you like him across the board, free of charge, that's how I am, I once went on a date with a girl on the first date, we went to explore her idea and while we are walking, a snake bit her between two of her toes and I had to suck out the poison, so she is dead. My girlfriend is great now, although you know we fight sometimes. Every fight we get into is always my fault. You know, she should keep her mouth shut.

I close, but I can't because I'm too

funny

. A couple of nights ago we went to a party and got drunk until we lost our minds. The next we wake up together in bed absolutely hungover and I know I should be quiet, but instead, I roll over and say, listen, baby, don't be mad, but I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night. and she got furious, Anthony says, that's impossible. I said, oh well, in that case you should always wear makeup, I think. Being a comedian is the best job in the world.

Is the best job in the world. Once you get to my level, the only thing I don't like is all the traveling. The Moors fly somewhere. I got stuck in an airport, I even flew here to Montreal a couple of days ago. two and a half hours late flight stuck in an airport bar talking to someone random and had nowhere to go so we started drinking. I tell him, hey man, what are you doing? and he says and I quote: oh nothing right now but I used to be a priest as in oh but I have nowhere to go so we keep talking we keep drinking finally a couple hours pass please - he gets up and says hey man I don't want to lie to you, you seem like a cool guy with a laid back attitude.

I'm going to tell you straight up that I used to be a priest. They kicked me out because I molested a child and then he left. Here's the thing after talking to this guy and getting to know him for two hours. I have to admit that he was actually a great guy, you know, if you could just forget about all that, Jesus, thank you so much, Montreal, it's been fantastic.