Obsessing Over an Ex-Partner - Trauma Mind

I'm Allen Ro Bars, a relationship coach and you're looking at a reason why let's talk about a reason why people obsess over an ex-

partner

and let me define what I mean by obsessed, the experience of

obsessing

with an obsessive

mind

. which I'm NOT talking about. something that is voluntary, so it is very much an involuntary experience that is taking over, it is a relentless worry, so even if you wanted it to stop, even if you made an effort to distract yourself even while you are in the middle of some distraction, there could be a low-level tug in your

mind

, a low-level frustration, a low-level reminder of the ex-

partner

and it could be generic, it could just be the name of the person or the essence of the thought about them and it is a placeholder to imagine that person will pretend that person's name is Steve and then there's something like Steve Steve Steve Steve what's Steve Steve doing where's Steve?

I wonder what Steve had for lunch and sometimes it's very specific like in a story other times. triggers a story because something you see or you see something on TV, you hear a song on the radio and your mind immediately gets absorbed into imagining what Steve is doing or if maybe we you know, we use the name Kathy and it's Kathy Kathy What is Kathy? doing where she is right now who she's doing or it could be even less obvious or less concrete so that you don't really have a story in your mind, but there's this constant anxiety, this constant urgency, this constant almost life-or-death annoyance. feeling like you need to stay focused on this other person the first time I experienced this it just so happens my father died in an accident it was suddenly and I was 14 and after he died i.e. the day after a couple of days later and it ended up continuing for so many weeks that my mind kept thinking about my mind I couldn't integrate the reality of this loss and there was a chronic and continuous chatter and for me it was dad dad dad dad dad dead dad dead dad died dad died over the years or shortly after that experience.

I don't necessarily think I figured it out at the time, but years later when I really thought about it, I called it the headache of death. I had this this headache because of this this mind that wouldn't rest, I couldn't integrate or make peace or take a break from the intensity of dad, dad, dad, dad, he just died, dad died, dad died, etc., so I use it as a reference point for what I call the death headache. it also ties into the experience of someone who is worried about their partner and again it could be their name, would you know it could just be something about them but there is a constant feeling of another, other, other, other, other, it's exhausting and no matter what? you do it, you can wake up in the morning and I usually identify it, you say you know there are two seconds, three seconds when you wake up and your mind is clear and there is a little bit of freshness and in the second number four, second number five, if you have lucky that you understand it, you know it, ten seconds after waking up and then your conscience hits you, the conscience of your ex-partner, this loss, you're grieving, you're not in a relationship, another, another, you know, what are they doing, what are they just thinking about a constant reference point like if you turn on the music, you know, imagine you have this internal radio, the radio turns on and it plays loudly and it doesn't turn off, it's that constant constant distraction about the other person.

I have made some videos in the past referencing this experience as a symptom of

trauma

and this is the symptom of the

trauma

system that would be known as intrusion and the preoccupied mind, the experience of your mind being so preoccupied is also. what's called hyperarousal, so in these other videos I took a little more explanation just to say, well, this isn't really about the loss or the pain of this relationship, although that informs that it's about a brain that has gone crazy and your brain is stuck looping looping looping and generally why we have a predisposition to do it because not everyone has this some people or relationships and some people are grieving some people have what we are talking about this in a mild form but can usually be contained usually has breaks and stops within a reasonable period of time for someone who has an attachment injury that manifests as attachment trauma and their brain is contracted in such a way that the trauma symptoms are activated and the Activation has to do with hyperarousal. hypersensitivity, hypervigilance and mix that with intrusion, what intrusion means is that the mind has no limits to this content and it just keeps seeping into it, you know Mike Mike Mike Steve Steve Steve, you know Valerie Barbara Barbara Barbara Barr, you know anyone Let it be the name of your partner, whatever the name of your ex-partner is or, in the case of my father's example, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, it continues to intrude on my consciousness and my experience, so from that perspective we're talking about working with a trauma symptom and saying this is normal when we were trying to, we're describing that we're making normal something that's ultimately imbalanced and I'm not a fan of the word abnormal, but in this moment it is convenient to say we are having a normal response to an abnormal brain function, so when your brain suffers a trauma, we say you know that is not generally a normal brain function and it can be a relief, it can be a liberation to just know that we can do it. name and see, oh my god, this is like this, thank god I'm not crazy, you know, this is not some kind of mental illness, this is my brain getting stuck.

I also refer to this as the broken record experience, the broken record, it just keeps repeating. about the other person now, that is one explanation for incorporating the understanding of trauma and the symptoms of trauma. Now I also want to add to this and from a different perspective say that one of the reasons why the brain is spinning and worrying about the other person is because that person represents love validation connection and let's say you even had a not so relationship. wonderful, let's say you even consciously know that the person you broke up with is not very affectionate, so he is not the best partner for you, if you really look at it clearly, you can say okay.

Of course, it makes sense that this relationship is ending. I don't need to continue with someone who isn't the best match for me, but still, even though you know this isn't the best match for you, your brain has encoded and linked to the relationship. The other person as a source of acceptance, validation, love, warmth and it is this need, this great desire to have some kind of reunion, some kind of reconnection with the other person because the brain perceives that you are being deprived and that you are running out. love, and how deeply terrifying. It's that if you have an attachment injury from your past, if this was created in your family where you were not fully seen, heard or understood, there was some way of being ignored, abandoned, abused or also betrayed in some way, you know. . your brain knows what it's like to be absent or let me rephrase that your brain knows what it's like to experience absence and to go offline, so when we have a person, even if they're not the best match for us, who is the placeholder? , who is the mind's image of the potential to get love and connection and the relationship ends, our mind is still under the influence of having been hurt by the past or our mind has not yet been able to make peace with a history of being ignored and neglected or denied connection the brain is going to use the current recent object or symbol the placeholder the person the ex-partner becomes the placeholder think about dreams think about how you dream when you dream your dream and the symbols that you dream in pictures and your dreams are telling you a story and you know there's some crazy stuff that happens in the dream and I'm making it up right now, but come on, but you know, the cocoa comes into the room and I start having a conversation with the cow or you know I'm driving a car and I'm driving, you know, across the ocean, these things don't make sense, but the brain communicates with me through symbols and images, so in many ways, this constant reminder and worried about this broken record quality of thinking about another another another another another the other person what happened who what is she doing now what is she doing right now I'm longing for her longing longing longing longing this constant chatter usually means that your mind is taking the symbol in the person's image and it ties into the realization that you're running out of love and connection, so one of the reasons your brain is worried about another person, another person, another person, is because it's like decoding a dream if you decode what the person represents that recurring quality is letting you know I don't have love I don't have love I don't have validation I don't have validation I don't have connection I don't have acceptance I don't have peace of mind I don't have warmth I don't have someone there for me I don't have a someone there for me, etc. and it goes on and on and on that connects with a deeper fundamental place that is dissatisfied, a fundamental place that is not at peace with respect to being alone in this world with respect to being ignored in this world with respect to not having a constant level of warmth affection nourishment connection achievement emotional or we could even use the word love here we don't have a constant amount of love so instead of the brain constantly saying danger warning, I don't have enough love in my life, danger warning, no I have enough love in my life, etc, etc, or am I linking this to a story to say danger.

Warning: This is a recurring pattern where you have no emotional connection. Danger. Warning: This is a recurring pattern. You do not have enough emotional connection in your life because the brain does not communicate with you and in this sense we use the word mind. mind because the mind is not directly being bad with the language, the mind summarizes all that meaning and that feeling or summarizes that content in the image, the symbol of the other person and that is why our brain keeps getting another, another, another , and again you can substitute the name of the person you know bill bill bill bill bill or Susan Susan keep thinking about Susan Susan again oh look the stations are approaching oh I'm on the bus I'm thinking about Susan oh look, I'm going shopping Susan and I used to buy this type of cereal and it goes on and on and on and generally what happens from a more perspective not from understanding the brain science of neurophysiological trauma but rather from a psychological perspective is that underneath that what is really is stirring is our unstable truth, our unstable truth. grief because we don't have emotional connection and nourishment in our life and if you have an attachment injury then chances are there were gaps or holes or ways in which you were left without emotional connection warmth attunement harmony and again we can use the word I love this, so I hope this is helpful at least in validating your experience of what it's like to have this deathly headache over the death of the relationship and that in addition to framing this from a trauma perspective, we can also frame it from a needs. a psychological needs perspective and realizing that the placeholder, the symbol of the person that keeps appearing in the mind, represents and points to the deeper feelings of what is not fulfilled.

Finally, why is this important? Why do we want to know this? Because I can take out the symbol projection and I can realize that I need to focus on my unmet needs. I need to focus on the pain of my story of not feeling emotional connection and warmth with my family, friends and partners. I need to realize that if I take out the projection of the symbol. the projection of the person I'm not just stuck in Susan Susan Susan Susan it's not really about her or the other person I take out the projection of the symbol and then I can work with it I work with it by realizing that this is tapping into a very deep pain from having a history and a life in which you feel disconnected, not belonging and not having enough emotional attunement, the goodness of that news, although it is deeply painful and it is deeply difficult to work with the pain, gives you an option, yes I allow you to exhale and have a moment where you wake up and you can say this really isn't about the other person, it's about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships or I don't have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional commitment that I need to feel nourished in this world, to feel validated in this world, to feel affirmed and loved, so although all of this content is very painful, it is a way to help us take a break from getting caught up in thinking o By believing that we are obsessed with the other person, we are actually obsessed with the underlying feeling that is too painful to touch or that is floating in our subconscious and bubbling in our conscious as the image, symbol or placeholder of the another person, but because it is sorelentless and because it's a broken record that goes on and on and on and for some people this lasts for months, dare I say you know, over a year, some people have this intensity, just the trauma mind kicks in and you're circling. in it and it's quite exhausting, so I understand that it's incredibly sophisticated and challenging work to get out of projection or to take the projection of the other person's symbol as a placeholder because sometimes you're incredibly tired.

You are so exhausted that it takes a huge amount of energy to keep your mind spinning at this level of intensity. I hope this was helpful. This is one of the reasons why our mind continues to be obsessed with one thing. Ex-partner, if you like this video please subscribe to this YouTube channel and also if you want to discuss this idea and other similar ideas about relationships and attachment trauma , there is a group on Facebook called The New Love Addiction, feel free to join that group. I will meet other lovely like-minded people who are intelligent and have some wisdom to share with each other and finally, if you want to learn more about me, please head over to Alan Robarge.

Don't worry, thanks and I'll see you next time.