Matt Schatt Game Show - SNL

TWO TEAMS, $1 MILLION. HERE IN THE DOME. GOOD AFTERNOON. GOOD NIGHT. I'M TED CONLEY, AND THIS IS THE DOME. NOW WE MEET THE TEAMS COMPETING FOR A CHANCE AT THE $1 MILLION PRIZE. TEAM ONE, PRESENT YOURSELF. I'M BETH AND THIS IS MY BROTHER-IN-LAW, ROB. PROOF THAT IN-LAWS CAN GET GETTING WELL. WE ARE HAVING FUN. WELL. WHO DO WE HAVE ON TEAM TWO? I'M CARMEN, AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND MATT. EVERYTHING WELL. CARMEN AND HER COUSIN MATT. WELL. NO,NO. Matt is my husband. SORRY. I HAVE A BAD EAR FOR ACCENTS. It sounds like you said Matt is your husband.

I DID IT. WE ARE MARRIED. Uh huh. EACH OTHER? YEPERONI. GOOD. So, let me clarify what's going on here. SO YOU, WHO ARE YOU, YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM, WHO IS HE? YES. WE ARE MR. AND THE LADY. MATTHEW PATRICK SCHATT. YOUR NAME IS MATT PAT SCHATT? YES, SIR. ALRIGHT? NOT REALLY. NOW I HAVE TO ASK, WHY ARE YOU ON THE SHOW WHEN YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY EXTREMELY RICH? OH, NO, I'M NOT RICH. WELL, THEN WHY IS HE WITH YOU? ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? NO! Oh man, I gotta calm down. I HAVE TO CALM DOWN. IF YOU ARE NOT RICH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I DANCE WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO BALLET AND MATT WORKS IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY. OH, SO YOU'RE A CHEF? NO. I AM A TASTE TESTER AT PURINA DOG CHOW. TRY NEW DOG FOODS TO TELL THEM IF IT'S TOO SPICY. YOU KNOW, BECAUSE DOGS CAN TALK. DOG FOOD FOR MONEY? SOMEDAY, HOPEFULLY. IT'S VOLUNTEER RIGHT NOW, BUT FINGERS CROSSED IT BECOME A PAID JOB SOON. DO YOU EAT THE FREE DOG FOOD? OH LORD. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING. THIS GUY OBVIOUSLY HAS THE BADEST BITCH EVER, AND WHAT'S GOING ON? SORRY TO EVERYONE.

I JUST HAD A STROKE. ALRIGHT. LET'S BACK TO THAT. JUST TRY TO FIND OUT HOW THIS ABSOLUTE CENTAVITY IS MARRIED TO MATT SCHATT. OH, BETH, DO YOU HAVE AN ANSWER? I THINK YES. OBVIOUSLY HE GAVE HIM A KIDNEY AND SAVED HIS LIFE. HE DIDN'T GIVE ME A KIDNEY. ROB, OPPORTUNITY TO STEAL. IT'S A HANGING EIGHT BUT A STANDING 12? NO. And for his information, he's hanging five and when he stands up it's a four. SO WHEN YOU GET EXCITED, YOU GET SMALLER? THAT'S CORRECT. ONE OF THOSE THINGS. I'M BUZZING ON THIS ONE. THIS IS WHAT I THINK, SHE HYPNOTIZED.

YOU ALL LOOK CRAZY. LOOK AT MY HUSBAND. I THINK IT'S OBVIOUS WHY I'M WITH HIM. THE JUDGES SAY NO. SORRY. CAN WE PLAY THE GAME NOW OR -- OF COURSE, OF COURSE. I'M SORRY. MATT AND CARMEN, YOU WON THE BACKSTAGE COIN TOSS, SO THE FIRST QUESTION IS FOR YOU. OH MY GOD. I'M SO NERVOUS. I'M LIKE SWEATING ALREADY. ONE SECOND. FREEZE. EXPAND THIS. WHAT? WHAT THE HELL? MATT PAT SCHATT HAS TAP NIPPLES. LOOK AT ALL OF THESE. EWW. YES. EVERY COUPLE OF YEARS SEPARATE A NEW ONE. JUST ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS. BABY, PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN.

I'M GOING TO GET TOO EXCITED. BUT WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WE TAKE A BREAK WHILE I HAVE ANOTHER STROKE. BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING. SHE BAD. GOOD? SHE BAD.