Golden Globes 2011 - Ricky Gervais Opening Monologue

live from the Starfield International Ballroom at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, welcome to the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards and now your host for the evening, ladies and gentlemen, Ricky Jes, thank you, hello and hello, welcome to the 68th 1st Annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel. In Los Angeles it's going to be a night of partying and binge drinking, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast, wow, so let's get this straight. What he did was pick up a porn star, she paid him to have dinner with him, and he introduced her. to his ex-wife like you uh uh went to a hotel uh she got drunk she got naked he trashed the place while she was locked in a closet and uh that was on a Monday what did he do?

New Year's Eve anyway welcome to the Golden Globes it's a celebration of the best of television and movies from the last year voted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association it was a big year for 3D movies Toy Story Despicable Me Tron looks like this year everything was three dimensional except the characters from The Tourist um I feel bad about that joke. I know I'm going to tell you why I'm jumping on the bandwagon because I haven't even seen the tourist that has um, but no, it must be good because he's nominated, so shut up, okay? I'd like to quell this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason the tourist was nominated was so the Hollywood foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, that's rubbish, that's not the only reason why which also accepted bribes.

What happened was that some of them were taken to see a concert to share, how the hell is that a bribe? Do you really want to go see and share? No, why not? Because it's not 1975, there were plenty of important films that weren't nominated this year. Nothing. for Sex in the City also um no, I was sure that the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that retouched that poster um well, good job girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you on an episode of Bonanza and you weren't nominated either.

I love you Philip Morris um Jim Jim KY and Y McGregor two straight actors posing as gay, so the complete opposite of a famous Scientologist, so um, my lawyers probably helped me with the wording of that joke, they're not here, okay, there have been a few. Big new TV drama this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so yeah, speaking of The Walking Dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner who is getting married at the age of 84 and the beautiful 24 year old Crystal Harris, um , when they asked him why he was getting married. He said because he lied about his age.

He told me he was 94. Oh come on, don't worry, wait and just don't look at it when you touch it. That's what I warned him. One of the most important events on television. This year was the finale of I Lost One of My Favorites and all the questions were answered, yes. I have to say that, although it was a pretty complicated ending, I'm not sure I fully understood it, but from what I can understand, I'm pretty sure that the big one of them all, eh, I think we should move on. Our first presenter is beautiful, talented and Jewish.

Apparently Mal Gibson told me that he's obsessed. Please welcome Scarlet Johansson.