The Funniest Off-The-Cuff Comebacks in the History of BURNS

Yes, because you can never remember where all the countries are, so it's always fun to discover a new one. No, Nicaragua was right next to Costa Rica. Have you ever heard of Nicaragua? Yes, because we studied in England, many people work very, very hard. your dreams, but it's not for everyone, that's why you use autotune and I don't. I have about 10 children, you have 10 children, yes I do, you are 21 years old, you will have grandchildren and with how many different women do you have these 10. children, how many before, what does that mean, about four by four of them, including your daughter, Yes, the kitchen knows when your ears are up, you're talking to the stupid, your hairline is up and one of my ears is ready and your complexion makes my balls itch. your nose is crooked when he's up your hairline is up your lip is crooked your eye went down balls darker than mine yeah it's weird so it's a no no thanks he looked like the before, during and then Weight Watchers lasted how long nine years 180 episodes you left it okay I did it you didn't get canceled you cancel them you're not aware of this no I'm asking you do you think I canceled you under the impression so I hurt you Jerry?

I thought it was pretty well documented. Most programs don't go down one bit. Most people do it too, but yeah, no, I left. I was the number one show on television. Larry. Well, 75 million viewers. The last episode. One, you don't think it's too much. bad, well, there's a big difference between being canceled and being number one, okay, sorry, I don't have any more campaigns to run my only agenda. I know because I won both. Can we move on to voting until I see those who are in favor of moving? to the next agenda item 16 Tennessee, those against 8, so that means we then thank the mayor for his attendance because the members of the Assembly have decided that they have no choice but to use their defense of their duty to scrutinize me.

Are you saying no? And how do you not have the guts to ask me questions, supine protoplasmic invertebrate jellyfish, some of your critics would say you know this is a mayoral race, we know you were a convicted rapist, this could hurt their campaign, how would you respond? to that? just think you come agree to do that, would you really be a piece of hey, you know what we're doing, we're doing live television, you have a show you're doing tonight, yeah, you know a lot of people, you're we're done it's raw and it's real life if the truth is there to watch your show just tell us a little bit about you know it speaks for itself everyone watched the show is it stressful for you to do something like this? more nervous about you boxing, how does it compare?

No, it's more than that, the record media is talking with a rap fragment from I have marijuana of course. Oh, more than ever than a quick interview, thank you for, thank you for coming, what, oh, what are you talking about? about man, well I'm out now, eh, stripper and England captain Andrew Strauss arrived in London proudly displaying the little urn. I'm spending four days at home before flying out for the World Cup and Belinda, I just can't understand how something like that. small can be so impressive, well mark you would know, thank you very much Harry, if I was looking to rent a rug I would hire you tomorrow, you are so old I had to google The Fresh Prince of Bel-air.

I did not do it. I know what it was, I didn't even take it out. The only reason you say that is because you know I slept with your mom working for Marvel. The Super Bowl commercial. Did you get much reaction? That Super Bowl commercial. What Super Bowl commercial? oh you know what my mistake was, I understand what you are, you are as crazy as the people on Twitter right, I'm not lying, it was my fault, I'm going to say you know what not all of us know. You look like me I'm guilty - I'm guilty I thought you were Bob Dylan, right, the entertainment report I know, I'm telling you, man, I came in reporting for this slide, you don't know the difference between a pitch, my mistake, my mistake, I apologize Seriously, my big mistake. let's talk about it must be a very short line for your job no, it probably wouldn't be difficult to get another person to sit here, let's talk about Robocop, would it be fair to call you a North Carolina native?

Yeah, that's fair, I don't know. is accurate, but I mean, is it fair because native sounds, you know, employ loincloths and river baths and okay, this may surprise you, but I grew up wearing a loincloth and bathing in the river, so I can't say native, okay, so being on the Big Bang Theory, how many people it's not that you're not a genius, but how many people think that you can solve calculations in the blink of an eye? Oh, I actually trained in calculus for several years, yeah, I'm a neuroscientist, so you're not. I mean, I've known I'm full.

I am exciting and I am different. Everyone agrees with 1/3. You're a poor man's Mike Myers. You are so old when you were a child. The rainbows were black and white. More interesting than you seem, it's all in the mind. I have the viewer in what you do. I am a business development manager for a large bank in the North East. Okay, tell me if there's anything interesting in your work. Absolutely no, no, it's interesting to me. but I'm sure you'd probably miss it, okay? Why did Doris Doris when she missed the question take longer than necessary?

You are always very fast. You are hard on some things, yes?, and on others, me. I'd like to take my time, you know what I mean, I have no idea what you mean, somehow I don't doubt that fifteen thousand people applied in Cleveland and yet the odds of you making it through are a million to one if you have stated that I believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean there was a universe out there where I'm smarter than you? So cheerfully remind me what you do. I'm a beauty therapist and she acts like a therapist who doesn't have time to work. yourself, dog, yes, you look more like a dog than I do, yes, wishing that lady would give that to the dog, yes, put a cover on it in case you run.

I heard you have a card trick you learned, you sure suck. Yes, I brought a card, many cards, do you know the comedian Carrot Top? Yes, horrible, well, you are like the interviewers' carrot. Yes, yes, nobody. It's a good thing right now. Can I just say my name to the camera? Just the word. Break up my name not a word and what's going to happen to him I just want to know how to give him if we just broke up I probably wouldn't say anything so you're trying to find me in a crowded place okay? Romina.

That's all. I would never listen to you. The thing is, I didn't really want to find you. I was actually hoping to be alone. It's not a job. You and Conan went to Harvard and you should know that