Side-Splitting Rodney Dangerfield Stand-Up on The Tonight Show (1976)

- What a crowd, what a crowd! How beautiful, beautiful, no joke. Really great. (Audience applauds) And you know me, I love crowds. You know it. I mean, when I was a kid, my house was always full of people, there were always people around, you know, I come from a big, old-fashioned, hard-working, stupid family, that's what I come from. (Audience laughs) What a silly family I have! Now, last week I looked up my pedigree, two dogs were using it. (Audience laughs) I don't know. And I'm telling you, nothing's going right lately, you know. I mean, I'm gaining weight, I can't stay on a diet.

Last week I went crazy and tried the rice diet. Just kidding, between meals I kept folding my shirts. (audience laughs) I mean, I can't relax, you know? The other night at my club. I wanted to have some drinks, I approached the bartender. I said surprise me. He

show

ed me a photo of my wife naked. (Audience laughs) You know, I'll tell you, last week was a tough week for me, last week I also broke up with my psychiatrist. He told me I'm going crazy. I said, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "It's okay, you're ugly too." (Audience laughs).

And then he told me to lie down on the floor. sofa up

side

down. (Audience laughs) And I'll tell you, when I was a kid, I knew I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother (audience laughs). He made me feel ugly. Why, on Halloween, she sent me as is (audience laughs). He did a lot of things, my old man one year even tried to turn me into a birth control model. laughter) (audience applauds) Very good. (Audience applause drowns out speaker) And I tell you, I went through a lot when I was a kid.

You know, all the kids made fun of me. They also called him four eyes. And then he put on glasses, then they called him eight eyes (audience laughs). I tell you, I tell you, the kids were tough. I had pimples and they used to grab me and play connect the dots (audience laughs). I tell you, sometimes I can't take it anymore! I mean, I don't get any respect at all. (audience applauds) You know, every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: "Basement?" (Audience laughs) That's the same in my own house, there is no respect.

My son's birthday last week, he had a little party, brought out the cake, the boy blew out all the candles. I said, "I hope your wish comes true." He said, "If so, it will be the last time you will see me 'blow out candles.' (Audience laughs.) What a smart boy I have. My own wife, she's no better than the rest of them, my wife. Living with my wife, how do you think I feel? I mean, she kisses the dog on the lips and doesn't drink from my glass (audience laughs) (audience applauds) And, I'll tell you, the first time I did the. love to my wife, that was also a beauty.

Yes, I was curious. Yes, I said: "How many men were there before this?" Yes, she looked at me and said: "There are not enough to do." for this!" (audience laughing) (band playing) (audience applauding) Big, big crowd

tonight

. - Big crowd, huh? - Great and beautiful people out there. - Yes, - Beautiful, nice, right? How have you been? Johnny, are you okay? - I'm fine, Rodney. - Good - You told me you had a cold, but it doesn't bother you. Don't you seem to mind working? - Well, it's a cold that always bothers you. You know he knows it when you have a cold and it bothers you as much as it bothers the person who...

What do you want to do? A dramatic lecture here about a cold. ? I don't have any cold jokes! - Maybe it's swine flu or something. - Pig, they shot me too, they shot me. - You did it? - Oh yeah. The doctor gave me the injection and back in New York, when I was working in a club, the club is still there, things are going well. Seven years now, Dangerfield's, you know? Seven years and things are going very well, you know? I finally paid for the ice machine. (Audience laughs) But it's always nice to come here.

You have such beautiful girls here in California. - You like California, huh? - Lovely girls, boy, oh boy, I'll tell you, lovely girls. The last problem I had here was that I met a beautiful girl. She was a fortune teller, you know? Yes, she read my palm and asked me for five dollars. And then she read my mind and asked me for 50 dollars. (Audience laughs) And I'll tell you what, girls, you gotta be careful, Johnny. - I know that you. - You have to be careful with girls. I met a girl last week and she told me she was a Scorpio.

I found out that she spent 4 years with Leo. (Audience laughs) You have to be careful. Now let's talk, enough about girls, okay! - Enough about girls, huh? - No, girls lead to sex, sex, sex. And I'll tell you the truth Johnny, I'm already here with sex. Not lately, you know (laughs). (Audience laughs) I'm cold, but you gotta count your blessings, Johnny. You have to count your blessings. I'm fine today, I've been broke my whole life, you know? - Now you have money, huh? - I'm fine, holding my ground, doing well, you know? But when he was a child he had nothing, he was poor.

Oh, he was poor as a child, you have no idea. He was so poor that my rich uncle died, and in his will he owed him 20 dollars. (Audience laughs) Really poor. - That's poor. - Yes, although my uncle was a lazy guy. Oh, he was lazy, oh dear. He was so lazy that he married a girl who was pregnant. (Audience laughs) He was lazy. Lazy boy. (Audience applauds) That's too vague, that's too vague. Laziness is not good, it is not healthy. And that's all, health. - Health is important. - You have to take care of your health Johnny, your health.

I'm telling you, I'm getting old, I have to take care of myself, really, I'm getting old. And it's so hard for you to get old enough to take care of yourself. I mean, I know I'm getting old. The last time I was in Las Vegas I played the slot machine. Three prunes emerged. (Audience laughs) - That's a warning. What does your doctor friend tell you to do? - My doctor friend? - Yes. - We'll deal with it later. - Oh I see, I see. I don't want to talk about him now, huh? - We will go to the doctor, you know, we also have some things to say about him, but the thing is that you have to meet the right people. - The right people are important. - I met the wrong people, Johnny.

I always meet the wrong ones, last week I met the general surgeon. He offered me a cigarette. (Audience laughs) You have to do it, my doctor friend, you mean Dr. Vinnie Boombatz. - That's the one, that's the one. Dr. Vinnie Boombatz: He stays away from people. He goes out alone on his boat. He stays on his boat, he's always on a boat. In fact, his new book is about boats. -Oh, what's his name? - Oh, great book, great book. It's called "Should a Man Buy a Yacht if His Girlfriend Laughs at Her Dirt?" (Audience laughs). I think I've read it.

It's a fantastic book. 'Relax, that's my problem. - Oh really? - I can't relax. - Everything tense, huh? - It's always tense, I can't relax - I have a dog at home who also drives me crazy. I tell you, I have a dog, my dog ​​makes me feel like he's 30 years old, you know? He jumps into my bed and then sniffs it for an hour before going to bed (audience laughs). I tell you, my dog. , I can not under

stand

it. And the other night, I took him for a walk - Yeah? - He did number 3. (Audience laughs) (laughs) I don't know, pick a topic.

Johnny, what do you want to talk about? I'll tell you I have to relax. I don't sleep well at all lately either, I'll tell you, I don't think so. , dreams, dreams every night last night I had a bad dream - Oh, what was that about? - Well, last night I, my dream last night, took a walk down memory lane. And my wife was working on it. It was a very, very bad dream. (Audience laughs) Last night I had a very bad dream. - That can make you wake up. - Oh, I woke up right away. I assure you, my wife, he drives me crazy anyway.

She always wants me to take her to fancy restaurants. I don't like them, they're too elegant. You want to go to the men's room, there was this men's room. They had signs like "Romeo", "Juliet", "Antonio", "Cleopatra". If you don't know your history, you will end up with a kidney condition. (audience laughter drowns out speaker) But I'll tell you, no one has an easier life, Johnny, no one. - That's how it is. - I talk to people from all over, no one. I feel sorry for short people, you know? - Why that? - Well, when it rains, they are the last to know. - I see. (Audience laughter drowns out the speakers) - Oh, I tell you, sometimes when I'm with short people, I feel very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. - Very uncomfortable? - Like the last time I went to a spa, I was there naked and a very short guy told me I looked fantastic. (Audience laughs) Very short guy. (The audience laughs) - At the spa, naked. - I'm glad he didn't shake my hand, I'll tell you. (Audience laughs) That's a good line, I wish I had more like that. (The audience's cheers drown out the speakers) - We'll be right back, stay where you are.