How To CHANGE YOUR LIFE By Changing Your Story! | Lewis Howes & Therapist Lori Gottlieb

While you were talking about rewriting

your

story

from the past and I think we hold on to our stories and we can, we'll probably continue to write them in a more powerful way that keeps us trapped or traumatized, but is it fair to say that something happens? in our past we hold on to the

story

on a daily basis or whenever it is triggered and it is as if it amplifies the story in our minds, well it does and the problem is that often whatever that version of the story is we carry it with us. us and we never reviewed it.

So you create a story when you're younger, for example, about something that happened in

your

life

and then as an adult, you've never seen that story through the lens of an adult, you're still looking at it through the lens of childhood and That's why I say that when people come in, we are all unreliable narrators, yes, we all tell a story through this lens, and the thing is that these are usually flawed narratives, so there is a broader version of the history. people haven't looked and so I feel like in many ways what I do as a

therapist

is I act as an editor and of course I have a background in writing so I help people revise their stories because the reason why They can't move forward in the story, the reason they can't move on to the next chapter is because something is wrong with the story, they are stuck and it's almost like it's helping them with writer's block.

I mean, for me

life

is an interpretation yes, of course, there is an event that happens and we can interpret it as good or bad or we can interpret it as a neutral event and I'm going to make the most of it. It's fair to say yes absolutely and also how do we correctly attribute other people's parts of the story, so who are the villains and heroes in the story? You know, I talk in the book about the difference between idiotic compassion and wise compassion and idiotic compassion is what our friends do, they back our story, it doesn't matter what we say, this happened, this happened with my boss, this It happened with my partner, this happened with my parents, right, this happened with my best friend and we said yeah, that was terrible, screw them, they're idiots, you know, that's horrible.

They are right, they are wrong, don't let anyone treat you that way, that's what we do and if you listen to your friends' stories, over time you start to realize that although the situation and the names may be different, the type of story they tell. What we're saying is similar, it's like if a fight breaks out and every bar you go to maybe it's you, yeah, we're not saying that's idiotic, compassion, media compassion is when we as friends say , yes, you are the best person in the world it's horrible, this person, yes, leave him or let him go, forget about him like he was so bad at what he did, there are always two sides to every story, that's right, so the The value of therapy is that we offer wise compassion, we hold a mirror for you and help you see yourself in a way that maybe you haven't been willing or able to and that's where the other version of therapy comes in. the story, so how can we have wise compassion for our friends when they are like this? she cheated on me, he left me, they had an affair, uh, whatever, yeah, how do we

change

our story and also show compassion that we're there for a friend who doesn't make it when they're in a vulnerable place, who doesn't do whether the other person is right or wrong, yeah, be there for them and also give them some tough love, I guess I wouldn't call it tough love, I would just call it reality love, love, it's okay, it's love, it's so much more loving to be sincere in a compassionate way, so sometimes we call them compassionate truth bombs because we need to hear them, but how we do it has to do with timing and dosage, so timing is when they are really raw when something has just happen, you know now is not the time to say you know.

It's happened with your last three boyfriends, right, maybe you're the problem here, have you noticed that checking people's phones doesn't work well for you? You know, we're not going to say that maybe at that moment, so that's our moment and then the dosage is how much are you going to say at a particular moment and in a particular conversation, not everything has to happen in a single conversation, so I think that has to do with being a good listener and many of us don't do that. I know how to listen and I think it is very useful.

I also see a lot of couples in my practice and if you can tell the person when he comes to you with something, how can I be helpful in this conversation right now? I know you're really hurting. Do you want to just vent? Do you want to hug? Do you want me to help you solve the problem? Do you want my honest opinion or do you want me to wait and we can have that conversation another time? They tell you what they want so you can give them something that is useful to them in that moment and then in another conversation you may be able to offer them something else when they are not completely raw or broken.

Yeah, so what is that specific question? when someone comes to you with a challenge, a complaint or a pain, what is the question you should ask them, how can I help you right now, I know you are really hurt, what effect does that have on the person who is suffering when they hear that? ? It helps them think oh wait, what do I need? Am I just going to download all this stuff and then not feel any different in the end or is there something else I want right now and maybe download? It's going to make them feel different, just make them feel seen and understood and heard which is important or maybe they want something more but let them tell you and I think the other thing is these three words that are really helpful when they're talking to you. they're tell me more instead of saying you know when they when they say oh this is what's happening and we say oh well we try to encourage them like you already know this is what you can do we try to fix it we try to encourage them up, we try to make them look like It's not that bad, whatever we do, instead just say, tell me more, we do this with our kids.

I can say that as a parent we do this all the time right so that your child comes to you and tells you. you know I'm very sad about this or I'm very worried about this we say oh don't worry no, it's not a problem we say oh don't be sad right go eat ice cream exactly but the thing is that then when you're a child you get the message that, oh wait, I'm not supposed to feel this and really what it is is that we feel uncomfortable as parents with our children's feelings, why? Because we can't, we feel uncomfortable with the feelings we grew up with. in a way where the feelings were confusing, the feelings were uncomfortable, the feelings were something that you know was going to be a problem, yeah, unlike feelings, stop crying, yeah, unlike just you know, Feelings are actually a big thing, people say, oh, there are. these negative feelings like sadness anxiety anger whatever even envy I always say that feelings are like a compass they tell us which direction to go so with envy for example I say follow your envy, it tells you what you want if you feel envy, that's great because it says what desire puts you in touch with your desire what do I want and what steps can I take to achieve something like that in my own life if you feel sad if you feel anxious what not working right now what you can see if you repress that feeling if you pretend it's not there it just gets bigger and this is what happens it doesn't go away it comes out in too much food alcohol drugs insomnia bad temper inability to function distraction but mindless scrolling that we all do through the internet.

A colleague of mine said the Internet was like the most effective short-term over-the-counter pain reliever there is. Wow, right, what happens is that your feelings are still there, but you're not dealing with them, which happens when we never deal with our emotions or feelings, first of all, you get sick and you're not emotionally sick, emotionally, everything is fine, so we have a physical immune system, we have a psychological immune system. and we have to take care of our psychological immune system, so it's like you know what to do to stay healthy with your body, like you're going to eat right, you're going to exercise, you know you're going to do everything. the things you want to do to take care of yourself are you going to get enough sleep those things also help your psychological immune system are not totally separate the mind-body connection is deep but at the same time you know that Being surrounded by people who do not nourish you That's that That's it will damage your psychological immune system That will make you sick Are you going to suppress your feelings That will make you sick?

So how do we take care of ourselves? and part of this is instead of trying to numb your feelings because numbness is not the absence of feelings, numbness is a state of being overwhelmed by too many feelings, wow, and then not only do you not experience the feelings you don't want. experience but you don't experience the other feelings, you silence a feeling, you meet others, you silence the pain, you silence the joy, so you are living in this state where you can't actually feel the variety of feelings that make you feel . We humans, what is that state called?

I would say I was, I mean I feel like you can be alive but not alive, and that's what happens to people, is that they're alive, they go through the same motions that they wake up every day, but they're not really living. their lives. What is an assessment we could make ourselves if someone is listening or watching to wonder how alive or how dead they are and whether the people closest to their life are really good for them or are damaging their psychological states? Is there a quiz we can take on the spur of the moment?

Is there an evaluation? Are there some things we could ask ourselves? Yeah, I mean, I think it has to do with a sense of vitality, right, which of course is like vitality, the word like life. It's there when you wake up in the morning. Are you excited about what you're doing? There is meaning in what you are doing. Do you feel connected to how you spend your days because you are at the end of your life? I'm going to look back and say what I did that was meaningful. You know, maybe you should talk to someone in my book.

There is a woman I treat. She is this young woman who is going on her honeymoon. She is newly married. She comes back and has. cancer and she tells me at one point she says why do we need a terminal diagnosis? I have a wake up call right? Why do we need a terminal diagnosis to live our lives with intention? why do we need that to really pay? attention and I think that if we can keep the awareness of death on one shoulder and I don't mean in a morbid or creepy way, it's not depressing, it's actually returning to vitality, it helps us feel alive.

Because life has a mortality rate of 100 and that's not for other people, we like to believe that that's right and the thing is if we know that we have a limited time here, I think we would pay more attention to what we really we are doing every day. Why is it so hard for people to pay attention and be afraid, but they feel like they are sometimes stuck for years? It's like I'm stuck in a relationship. I've known it's not right for me for years. I stay in a relationship. been depressed for years, you know, I stay in a job that I hate for years, it's all based on fear, well, I think it's fear, you know, I think it's fear of uncertainty, this is going to sound strange, but the

change

it's really hard because holding on to something that's familiar so even if we know it oh this would help me this would be a good change for me um we don't do it because it's not familiar and if you grew up with a lot of chaos if you grew up feeling sad all the time or anxious all the time, that makes you feel at home, even if it's unpleasant or even miserable, she'll still find the chaos, right, recreating it, yeah, and so, you know, it was fun because my own

therapist

gave me this. great analogy, he said, you remind me of this cartoon and it's of a prisoner shaking the bars desperately trying to get out, but to the right and left it's open, there are no bars, so basically the prisoner is not in jail and that Many of us are like we feel trapped, we are not in prison, we can change, we can just walk around the bars, but why not?

Because with freedom, the freedom to walk around the bars comes with responsibility and if we are responsible for our own lives that scares us we feel like oh I don't know if I can do that I don't know if I'm competent enough to do that or now I'm to blame If things don't work out well, I can't blame everything else, this is one of the reasons why inmates who leave prison after a long time of being in prison return to prison because they feel they need to go back to that environment, are there other reasons why I think there are other reasons, I think we don't provide support for people when they come out.

You know, the mental health issues that they needed to be treated for were when you know they never got that support, so they go out and We're back in the same situation where they don't have the support of the community, why is it sodifficult for us to take responsibility for our own happiness? I think if you grew up in a home where you were seen, heard and understood, those are the people who take responsibility for their own happiness, I think for people who felt cheated in their childhood, there is a part of them that still is in a fight, there's a part of them that still wants to remake it, so it's kind of like they're not aware of this, but what they're basically saying is that I'm not

changing

mom and dad until you give me the things that I didn't get it in childhood, so they will look for a partner who emulates their environment since mom. and dad and try to change them so that they are right, this is the irony of the relationship, for those people who have not worked on it, um, this is very common and I think we all have this piece in us, because no one had a childhood perfect, so what happens is people say okay, when I'm an adult I'm going to choose a partner who really makes me feel nourished and who really gives me all those things that I didn't get growing up, but I don't realize that they subconsciously have this radar for people who look very different from their parents on the surface, but then once they get into that relationship, it's like uh oh, this looks familiar, so what they did was their unconscious he said when they were choosing their partner hey, you look familiar, come closer although they consciously thought, oh, you're totally different from my parents.

I'm going to this will work great, but no, they have a radar for that if they've done it. They did not resolve the things that are their pending issues. There's a saying that goes, "We marry our unfinished business. In reality, we marry our unfinished business. That's why it's so important as an adult to take responsibility and say, 'You know what I'm going to have.'" to grieve this loss. of what I didn't get and I'm going to have to get over this and evaluate where I am as an adult so I can choose people and surround myself with people that are healthy for me, what if you have You chose someone you love deeply, but subconsciously your unfinished business Is it the wrong person for you once you realize, oh, they're never going to change, or is it a point for us to reflect and say I actually need to heal the past, accept this person who they are and be willing to flow within. of this relationship, well, what happens is that you got married with your unfinished business, but so do they and if you both can recognize that if they realize, hey, wait, we have a lot of conflicts in our relationship or we are really avoidant in our relationship or We don't feel connected the way we want to feel connected, that is a great opportunity for both of you to resolve your unfinished business so that you can heal together properly and so that the relationship can thrive if you are both willing to look in the mirror and do the work.

Yes, that could be a really beautiful relationship and it can be very healing for both of you. In fact, it could potentially be the strongest bond ever if they could both go through it. Yes, but if you're not willing to go through that, then what you're going to be is that both people are right. Well, both people have to be willing. I mean, that's the thing, so it's like you wake up one day and say, "Oh, wait a minute." I have all these unfinished business and then your partner says yes, it's all you, you're the problem in the relationship, you know, it's like in couples therapy, very often I see something like someone says like you never listen to me and I'll say how well do you hear that, right, it's always like you're yelling at someone all day, will they want to listen to you?, so you know there's this dance that we do in the relationship and what happens is people are doing these steps of dance and people get very grounded it's like oh here we go, you can write people's arguments, you know exactly what they're going to start with one thing and then they'll go back to a lot of different things.

They're like and you know exactly how it's going to be and who's going to feel what and who's going to accuse the other person of what um and that's the dance and then if one person changes their dance steps the other person will fall off their feet. bruces dance floor or they will have to change their steps too if they want to continue dancing and usually we always say that you can't change another person but you can influence another person by

changing

your dance step so for example we Me I like to say that insight is the ultimate prize in therapy, which means you can come in and say, "Oh, now I understand why I keep arguing with my partner and then they go home and come back the next week and I'll say, well." , did you do anything different when you got into that argument?

Well, no, but I understand why I did. You have to be vulnerable and responsible when you come to therapy. How do we fight better when we are in a pattern of constant review every month or every month. week turns into an argument about something for whatever reason yes, it's a pattern, yes, couples are starting to notice it, how does one person or both of them recognize and say, "okay, I'm going to change my dance steps and I'm going to fight or dance better, yes, the first thing is to notice what you have in this, what is your reaction, so we have a choice every time someone presents us with something, there is a great quote in the book, it is a quote from Viktor Frankl. where it says that between stimulus and response there is a space and in that space lies our freedom to choose between stimulus and response, then between an action that happens and your response to the action, then your partner says something, it is a window of opportunity, yes , there is usually that space. that space to us will look like a breath the breath is all the breath really needs don't breathe you're screwed if you need to breathe or you'll just respond it's like we have this these neural pathways that are wired correctly and someone says something and you react not just to what that person in front of you says, but it goes back to something that reminds you of something from a long time ago, people who are not even in the room are with you at that moment and that is that neural pathway and then what you have to do is take one breath, it's like a big stop sign on that road, that's your neural pathway, so hold the stop sign that you can even imagine. a stop sign in your mind stop breathing now you can choose how I want to respond to this I want to respond the way I've responded the last million times that hasn't worked well or I want to try something different so that's the first part , the second part is taking perspective.

Many people who are in very conflictive relationships have trouble taking perspective. They cannot imagine that the other person has a valid perspective. Now you may not agree with every part of how they do it. you see this, but there's some overlap between how this person sees it and how you see it, but you're not willing to see it, and so on, we have this new podcast called geotherapist and on the podcast a lot of what we do is help people. people to take the other person's perspective there is something you are not seeing right now why is it so difficult for people to see another person's perspective?

Well, two things, one is because, you know, that unreliable narrator that we think we are. true and we don't want to be told that and that's why we know what we hear when we say that there is another perspective, we are not saying that you are wrong, we are saying that there is more to the story, so there is a difference between your perspective is valid. Also, we are not saying that your version is wrong, but that there is more for people to hear, since you are wrong and the other part is that it is very embarrassing for people to stick to a certain story because if they allow it Another part of the story that comes in the part that they are responsible for will probably come up and they feel a lot of shame, so when I see people in therapy they come and tell me a story and they leave out the parts that they are ashamed of the parts where they feel that that is not It was my best moment, like, for example, give me an example, well, I screamed back, yeah, yeah, like you know, this is what happened or this is, this is the situation and my partner did it. this or my mother did this or my son did this or my boss did this whatever and they don't tell you these other details and they leak out later, yes, and they are very relevant to the story, right?, but it is a shame, right?

So you know that's why the therapeutic relationship is so important because you get to a point where you really trust the therapist and you can be really honest about what happened, how much does shame factor into our stories? Oh, I think that You know as humans we want to belong and what shame is about is I'm not going to belong, I'm not going to be loved, the greatest human need is, do you know how we can love and be loved and when you feel is there something? I made people look at me badly, maybe they won't like me if I tell them this, you know, it's connected to us, it's like ego death for us, it's like emotional death, like someone knows this about us, no.

I would love myself and I would die emotionally and I will be alone, I will be alone, yes, yes, and we need other people. I felt like this for many years, when I spoke out about sexual abuse about seven years ago and for 25 years no one knew about it because I was so ashamed and I felt like if anyone knew how they could love me, yes, accept me or how anyone would want to date me or my family, how could they not disown me, these were the stories I was writing, I was a bad editor, yes.

How does someone who has done something they are not proud of in the past, who has had something done that they are not proud of, whatever they have been in, in a situation that they are ashamed of, how does someone start to process that shame? heal so that it doesn't continue to run their lives and keep them imprisoned, yeah, well, I think they do what you did, which is, you started talking about it and I think you have to choose your audience, yeah, which is really important, especially because you are just starting out, so you need to make sure you don't tell your abuser who the toxic relationship is.

Well, you know, I think you really have to choose someone who is safe and if you don't have those people that you know, I think The Therapist is a really good place to start, but I think it's harder for men to talk about anything. thing, whether it's sexual abuse or even something like something that they feel vulnerable about, so men come into my office and tell me at some point you know I've never told this to anyone before and then women say yes. , so this is what women will say they will say I have never told this to anyone before except my mother, my sister and my best friend, right, the only one, you are the only one, right, I told my book club, you know whatever, some people have said it, but they feel like as women it's acceptable for women to talk about these things, etc.

They feel like they haven't told anyone because they still feel like there's a degree of privacy about it. Men literally haven't told anyone, anyone, and maybe even if they have a great partner and they have close friends, you know they have a big family, whatever it is, they feel like I can't tell anyone because the vulnerability of men in our culture is not okay even though we say that, so this is what you know, women say I wish she would open up, I wish you were right, so I wish you would. cry and be more sensitive, but then when they are, they say: I need to be strong right now, so this is exactly what happens in couples therapy, so I will have two people sitting on the couch and I have a partner and I tell them: a heterosexual couple and the woman tells the man that I really want to meet you.

I feel like we would connect a lot more if you opened up to me. I want to know what's going on in there and he does. Let's say he cries, let's say he actually starts crying in a way where like her body is convulsing, she looks at me like a deer in the headlights, she's so deeply uncomfortable, this is what she was asking for, so what he'll say is I don't feel safe when you don't open up to me and I don't feel safe when you're vulnerable with me like there's a there's like it's like goldilocks it's like it's not too much, not too little, but right in the middle. medium This is how vulnerable you can be with me I've been saying this for so long that I feel like this is one of the main things that damages all intimate relationships, yes, when a person doesn't feel safe to share their emotions with the person they say they he loves them more and actually makes them feel bad about it or belittles them or retracts his love when they are vulnerable so I don't know the solution to this besides saying this all the time and besides saying ladies.

For example, if you want a vulnerable and emotional man, you have to accept him when he is emotional. Well, not just accept it, but embrace it. I mean, that's a courage boost because it's much harder for a man in general in our society to be vulnerable based on who we are. We've grown and from what we see, if you don't constantly encourage it and celebrate it, why would you expect them to keep opening up when they have something they want to share if you're going to screw them up? Because emotions are something powerful and impact not only the individual and not only the people in his family, but society and culture in general, our emotional lives are important for oursociety, then something that was considered a women's problem now becomes a human problem. affair