Trump vs. Bernie in the First Ever @midnight Presidential Debate

religious, how

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, I have a holy spirit effect on Vermonters and people like Vermont. What

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Two or more Birkenstocks are gathered, I'm in the middle of them! -(applause, shouts) -Very good, points. Point now to Senator Sanders. He apologizes for interrupting. I hate to mislead the American people like this, but we have to go to a quick commercial break to pay for this flag we spent our entire budget on. We will continue our

midnight

debate

between Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders when we return. Thanks for being with us. Welcome back to the @

midnight

presidential

debate

. I'm Chris (bleep) Hardwick.

Our next topic: agriculture. Very important for the United States. Candidates, you both have very strong roots in the world of agriculture. Senator Sanders, you have lived near farms both in Vermont and before cities were invented. Donald, you've been raising an animal on your scalp for several decades, which I think...technically counts as the livestock industry. To demonstrate how important agriculture is to the American people, this image by Ruthlessrellik was at the top of Reddit. It shows a chicken crossing a street right there. Now, judging by the chicken's blatant disregard for others, um, and also his color, I'm guessing he's a Trump supporter.

Candidates, why did this chicken cross the street? Why did the chicken cross the street? Uh, let's start with you, Mr. Trump. Well, I want to say something very important, okay, Chuck? And I want to tell you this, it is very important. Very very important. I've been to this intersection. This is right on the border. Well? And that's... I'm telling you that's an immigrant chicken. I'm telling you right now. And there are many Mexican chickens. I've been to Mexico, I've seen the chickens. We have to find out if this is a rape chicken or a murder chicken.

And I promise you this... I promise you this: we are going to build an incredible cooperative, an incredible cooperative, along the southern border. I guarantee you. I guarantee you. I guarantee it. Okay, points, points. Senator Sanders? Look, Chris, I think it's important to understand that I was informed of this story and immediately went down for a listening tour and sat with the chickens. And I heard their concerns. And I talked to relatives, relatives of this particular chicken, and it turns out that he crossed the street to draw attention to the crumbling infrastructure that chickens have to deal with every day of their lives.

A middle-class hen is not capable of laying the same number of eggs as 40 years ago. Their cooperatives are in disrepair, and if I'm president, I promise to spend billions of dollars on chicken wire. They deserve better, just like human beings. Very good, thank you, Senator Sanders. -Points for that. -Incredible. Incredible. We have another... Hey, Mr. Trump, are you saying incredible? There is...? -Incredible. Simply incredible. We should eliminate them all and use their eggs like women. -Well. Alright. Uh... Now we have another question from the Internet. @Renie_Rivas asks "What would be your position inside a human centipede?" Um...

Let's start with you this time, Senator Sanders. That's a fair question, Chris. I think I certainly wouldn't be in the top one percent of the Human Centipede, with the bankers and the people up there in charge of everything. He would be in the bottom 80%, along with everyone else, but would strive to strengthen the middle class within the Human Centipede. Alright. Thank you, Senator Sanders. I'm not, uh... I'm not 100% sure that a person in charge of a Human Centipede has more power than anyone in the Human Centipede, but, uh... Well, look, I... . No, I don't agree with those numbers.

Look, if you want to check it out, Chris, I can show you some numbers. I have read the documents. I r... I read for two weeks every impression, document, and report I could find about Human Centipede. It's tragic what they go through. But I think... that the middle class that is disappearing, the thorax of the centipede, needs to be improved so that these creatures -can have general health... -Excuse me. -It's okay, yes. -Excuse me. -Mister. Trump, your rebuttal. -Excuse me. -Points, Senator Sanders. -First of all, I would make a human millipede, because it is much bigger... more legs, much more luxurious.

I'll tell you that. Absolutely. A human millipede would be a lot bigger, I'll say that. I... We... I only make millipedes, I'll tell you that. But my position in a Human Centipede would be in a corner masturbating looking at those people. I do not do that. -Alright. -I do not do that. Poi points for your honesty. I don't masturbate, and I... This is a very important distinction between Mr. Trump and me. I don't masturbate. I-I don't need it. I do things... You know, without hands. Hands free, that's how I handle it. I have ejaculated three times during this debate. -And if I could... -Yes, Senator Sanders.

If I may... I haven't ejaculated since Jesse Jackson won the Georgia primary in 1988, and I saved that ejaculate in jars for future use. Thank you, Senator Sanders. Mr. Trump. I'm... imagining all that now. I'm imagining, uh, a pumpkin spice latte coming out of you, and... - That's right. ...and clouds of evaporated milk shooting into the ether. And I'll tell you, that pumpkin spice latte is a double shot. I can tell you that. It's definitely a double shot. Thank you very much, Mr. Trump, for activating my gag reflex. It's actually rice milk. Gentlemen, we have to pause this enlightening discussion to put our (bleep) minds back into our skulls.

We will continue our debate with Senator Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump when we return. -♪ ♪ -(cheers, applause) Welcome back to the @midnight

presidential

debate. I'm the less wealthy Ryan Seacrest. If he just joined us, we're forcing Senator Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump to compete for points on a fake internet game show. Let's continue. Next, the technological innovations. Technological innovations. A very key part of our economy, of course, is the technology sector. Of course, there are some interesting new innovations from one of the industry leaders, PornHub. Um, Senator Sanders, this is a website that young people visit to see...

Oh, I get it, yeah, right, it's a www, what do you want? I... Well, nothing. I just... I wasn't sure if you were familiar with PornHub, it's the... Uh, I... To put it in context, that kind of nudity that you might recognize by, uh, oh, like those saucy playing cards that your friend brought back from the war. Yes, of course, I understand. A photo from Nickelodeon. -What do I need to know? -Yes, it's like a Nickelodeon movie. Mr. Trump, you know PornHub as a place for many of your soon-to-be ex-wives. Uh, we... -Very low blow, low blow.

Very low blow. -No, I... I'm not... -Is that okay? I look... -Do you mean your category? I watch my daughter's home movies, I can tell you that. Alright. Well... -Keep it in the family. -Okay, they... they made a splash this week, uh, by announcing plans to give away virtual reality goggles for their new channels, which feature virtual reality movies. Let's take a look at the movie. Oh. Oh. Oh! It's virtual reality porn, dad. With your own headphones. I-It's like you're really there. ♪ ♪ So, this raises a very interesting question. Hey, senior porn...what does it look like?

Senator Sanders. What would you like to see in a blue film for the AARP set? First of all, I want to point out that this is exactly why you wear boxers and briefs. Alright. Look, I think it would largely leave porn policy in the hands of the states. But I will say one thing: I believe special interests have no place in our money injections. And I would propose eliminating the influence of corporations on pornographic images. And also, Chris, on a personal level, I wouldn't mind watching some virtual reality porn where they can recreate Betty Boop, so I can fantasize again about performing cunnilingus on my favorite pinup model, Betty Boop.

Very well, thank you, Senator Sanders. I just, um... Just like... just as a quick little point... uh, you know, Betty Boop is an animated character, -not a real human being. -Oh, of course, no, I had a great time when she was young. Alright. Good. Uh, Mr. Trump, for you. What makes a good adult movie? I personally enjoy Japanese crying movies. I like those girls crying... I like them to cry. And I'll tell you: China is ahead of us in robotic octopus tentacles. They are. They are ahead of us and we ship 38% of robot tentacles intended for women.

China does everything. The United States is not a cornerstone, and I will say this: If I become president, every young woman in America will have a big octopus tentacle inside her. I guarantee you. I promise you. I love seeing them cry because it reminds me of how they lost the war. Okay, uh... I feel really bad for giving points for that, but the public seems to decree it. One more question. From the American Twitter @hgreen568 asks "Why don't ghosts fall through the Earth?" Senator Sanders. There was a time in this country when we took care of our ghosts.

And the reason the ghosts didn't fall through the earth was because there was a welfare safety net... there was a welfare safety net to keep them from falling, and that has been eroded since Reagan was president. And I promise that, as president, I will give ghosts a fair chance, just as I will humans. Because ghosts are just very old people. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, I want to say something. I want to say one thing. I promise you this: if I become president I will create many more ghosts. -I guarantee you. -Alright. I will do many more ghosts.

I... Let's... -There will be so many ghosts. -Now, a lot... a lot of people, uh, there seems to be a growing trend... a lot of very annoying people, uh, the majority of ghosts depicted in film and television always tend to be white. Uh... Senator Sanders, would you like to comment on that? Sure. Look, I... I understand that I am what is known as a white man. And I'm on Tumblr, so I know that's wrong. I have educated myself through several enlightening reblogs. And let me say this: In my administration, I believe the ghosts will be diverse, as will my cabinet, as will everyone around me.

And the ghosts of a Sanders administration will be multicolored like the ghosts of a Pac-Man game. Ah, thank you very much. He points to Senator Sanders. -Mister. Triumph. -Incredible. We only have a little time left in this part of the debate. Any comments on the diversity of ghosts? I... First of all, I'll say something very, very important about ghosts, okay? They wear white sheets. They wear white sheets, we don't know what's underneath. -Alright. -We don't know what's underneath them. Like a great company that supports me. An amazing energy company that supports me is called Triple-K. Incredible energy company.

There's this British guy, he's a duke. His name is David. And he tells me about this new... this incredible new alternative energy called white power... incredible. And apparently... apparently white power has been ruling this country for 350 years. I had no idea. Alright. Um... I think I'm... I think I'm... I'm not... I wasn't trying to get your attention, Chris. I always listen to music and sometimes I like to follow it. Well done! Excellent. That brings us to the end of Rapid Refresh. There are no points for Mr. Trump's answer. That brings us to the end of Rapid Refresh: Presidential Debate Edition.

Let's decide, once and for all, who ends up in the White House at the end of this show. We'll hold a special presidential #HashtagWar later. We will continue our midnight debate with Donald Trump and Senator Bernie Sanders when we return. Our #HashtagWar Tweet of the Day last night was brought to you by Burger King and @MyLittleGarrone. Well done. Welcome back to the @midnight presidential debate. The only presidential debate that's relevant... AUDIENCE (singing): Bernie! Bernie! Bernie! ...to your interests and will determine... Please. That will determine once and for all who ends up in the White House. Let's jump right into another Internet question. @BlazeaceofAces8 asks "Who is the best kisser?" Who kisses better?

Senator Sanders, let's start with you. Well, look, it's hard for me to be sure, because I can guarantee that I will never kiss Donald Trump. But I do... Look, I make my wife very happy. We spent some nice romantic times on Lake Champlain, where we went out on a boat and read each other statistics from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. Alright. Thank you. Uh, point to Senator Sanders. Mr. Trump. When I was 13 years old I went to give my

first

kiss to a charming and beautiful girl I had bought in Dubai. My father bought it for me.

And she embarrassed me and my mouth has been perpetually trapped in a kiss ever since. I see. I see. Senator Sanders, uh... -What do you need? -Follow-up question, uh... what do you think of Muppet rights? Look, Chris, that's a fair question. I understand that I sound like a candidate for president of The Muppet Show. But let me say this: I think we owe it to the young Muppets, Fraggles, to make sure they can go to college for free. And I also think that the older Muppets, Statler and Waldorf, should be able to see a doctor to have their Muppet holes checked when they need it.

HARDWICK: Very good, thank you. -(applause and applause) -Senator Sanders points out.-Excuse me. -Mister. Trump, do you have a rebuttal? Excuse me. First of all, I have worked with Doozers my entire life. Doozers are amazing builders. They used to work at Fraggle and built amazing buildings for me. And it's... And the Fraggles eat them. The Fraggles eat them, let's not forget. -That's true. -And I will say this, I mean, these ones from Sesame Street, incredible. I mean, Cookie Monster, this guy is so addicted to cookies that I heard he stinks in the alley behind Sesame Street.

I did. I heard it. Interesting. I heard he stinked. I mean, those are rumors. You don't know for sure. You're just... I don't know what... I don't know anything, but I say things and then I hope people... and then I hope... I hope people commit violence as a result. -HARDWICK: Points. -Donald, I think gay panic and shaming of sex workers has no place on Sesame Street or Main Street. -Let me tell you... -(cheering) Wait, excuse me. -Yes, yes, and another refutation. -Excuse me. Okay, Kim, listen to me, I'm going to tell you right now. -That's not even a man's name. -Well?

I... I'll tell you this. I'll say this right now. I have no problem with gay themes. Bernie and I are aligned on this, okay? It doesn't mean that we are going to confront each other, but we do align. And I will say this. I support lesbian firewood gatherers in Vermont. -I think it's okay. Whatever you want to do is your... -Oh. My status was mentioned. I think I get an answer. Mr. Trump, I'll have you know that lesbian logging in Vermont is our number two industry. -Marvelous. Marvelous. Wait. Excuse me. Excuse me. I do not have any problem with that.

I love the lesbian logging industry. China sends Chinese lesbians to collect firewood for half the price. And China... How many Chinese lesbians are going to come here to collect firewood? I want American lesbians to gather firewood. -Alright. -I want American lesbians to collect firewood. I don't need these Chinese lesbians. United States, the choice is clear. The choice is yours. You can choose the Monopoly Man with a bag of money for a head or you can choose me, the Monopoly boot, and I will modify the game so that no one goes to jail! Keep passing Go and collecting $200! -Get out of here. -Well.

Well. Thank you. -That's, uh... -Sorry. -Forget it. -Thank you. Now it's time for our live challenge, Attack of the Ad. Ad attack. Now, candidates, let's move on to an important part of American political tradition. I am referring, of course, to attack ads. Taking down your opponent on everything from hand size to the way their hair resembles the pubic hair of an elderly yeti is a very effective tool for influencing voters and, in a way, takes everything away from the real problems so people don't have to. think too much. Take, for example, this classic 2010 Carly Fiorina ad about her opponent, Tom Campbell.

ANNOUNCER: Your current brilliant solution to California's budget mess? A wolf in sheep's clothing. A man who literally helped put the state of California on the path to bankruptcy and higher taxes. Very lascivious indeed. It's cowardly, no doubt, but I think two vicious old grumps could do it even better. So, candidates, your challenge is to create an attack ad against your opponent. Alright? We'll get your answers after the break. We'll be right back with more @midnight Presidential Debate 2016. (cheers and applause) Welcome back to @midnight's Presidential Debate 2016. Before the break, I gave you a no-holds-barred challenge asking you to make political attack ads against each other.

Let's see what you came up with. Mr. Trump, we'll start with you. I'm Donald Trump. Bernie Sanders, this guy is only three years older than me, but he looks absolutely terrible. He resembles the Templar at the end of The Last Crusade, and America must choose wisely. Bernie Sanders should not be president. He will be eating alone at a Denny's for the rest of his life. Do we really want a president who always seems to have old soup on his lip? It will be like watching Death of a Salesman for the next four years. Children, listen. He's not your grandfather.

He'll slip and die in a bathtub, and then we'll be stuck with Vice President Whoopi Goldberg. And who wants that? I am the president that America deserves. I can tell you that. -Alright. -Here we go. Senator Sanders, let's look at his announcement. Okay, look. Oh yeah, it's me, Bernie Sanders. They want me to make an attack ad. I don't want to do... I'm running a clean campaign. I don't have time for that nonsense. So, in the interest of radical transparency, I'm running an attack ad against myself. Bernie, you're an idiot. You're a real piece of shit.

You stink. Literally. You smell like old bananas and no one knows it better than you. You look like Ray Bradbury. Where are you going down, tramp? Literally, where do you get off? You're asleep on the subway. I am Bernie Sanders and I approve of this message. But I don't approve of Bernie Sanders. We're done. Very interesting approach. Very negative. Very negative. I'm going to... I'm going to give 1,000 points to Mr. Trump for not blinking during his entire announcement. I'll give Senator Sanders 1000 points for attacking himself mercilessly for some reason. We now move on to the topic of war, specifically the Hashtag War.

Now...tonight...we wonder what it would be like if Senator Sanders' finger was on the button, especially one that does more than alert the flight attendant to him. Hey, what would Trump do as head of state, besides deny Angela Merkel? Well, gentlemen, now is his chance to go toe-to-toe. Tell voters what the world would be like (this is your last chance to get his approval) if he were sitting in the Oval Office, with tonight's hashtag, #IfIWerePresident. #If I were president. Hey, examples could be "our national parks would become national golf courses" or "the White House would have a ski lift." Either way, either way.

Um, let's go back and forth about this. Let's start with you, Senator Sanders. Well. If I were president, the band Phish would play "Hail to the Chief" and it would take me 25 minutes every time I walked into a room. Very good, points. Mr. Trump. If I were president, we would have America's

first

lady-daughter. I am disgusted. Points. Senator Sanders. If I were president, I'd put rich Wall Street bankers in the same prison Magneto goes into, but I wouldn't let them out for any sequels. Alright. He points to Senator Sanders. Mr. Trump. If I become president, I will go after Rosie O'Donnell like Osama bin Laden.

Points. Senator Sanders. If I were president, I would institute a national Netflix account with one password so we no longer have to burden our seniors with their Netflix passwords. He points to Senator Sanders. You're applauding that, but you know what... you'd end up seeing if everyone was on the same account? -They don't even understand it. They don't even understand it. It would be Bones all day. That's the end of the Hashtag Wars. That means it's time for our final statements, For the Win. Very important part of the show. Definitely Trump, absolutely Sanders came here to determine who, once and for all, would be the next president of the United States.

Hey, we have a brilliant history on this show of people winning debates and then making it to the White House. They both came on this fake internet game show to show the American people that they understand the internet. Both are representative of social media's ability to give everyone a voice, no matter how orange or hunchbacked they may be. As such, your final challenge tonight is that it only makes sense for you to show the Internet that you know how to speak their language. I'm talking, of course, about emoji, the primary means of communication for both teenage girls and people who pose as teenagers to catch predators.

Candidates, I would like you to convey one last message to the American people tonight. We'll have our candidates' answers and name the leader of the free world when we return to the @midnight 2016 presidential debate. (cheers and applause) Welcome back to @midnight. Now it's time for For the Win. I'm going to delete your scores, rendering the entire game up to this point completely meaningless, begging the question of why we did this whole exercise if it would all come down to a single question. Gentlemen, at this time we will accept your final comments. Senator Sanders, we'll start with you.

Look, I have a message for the mainstream media and it's that I'm running for president. You should put me on TV once in a while. Look, we just did it. It was not that bad. And when... when you put me on TV, don't cut the audio, where you see me pantomiming and Chris Matthews babbling on about me, telling you what I'm saying. I'm a loud guy! Put it on TV! We don't need to listen to what Chris Matthews says. We already know. He's saying something we've already heard about Tip O'Neill. I'm a loud (bleep) guy. Put it on television.

And I would also like to ask you for money, if you have anything, some small change. Anything under a dollar, I'll take it. If you have a partially used gift card, we can use it. If you have parts of a bitcoin, we almost have a complete bitcoin. I will accept bus tokens if they are for bus systems currently in operation. -Thank you so much. -Thank you, Senator Sanders. Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, your closing remarks. First of all, when I'm president, within the first 100 days, I'll be bored within ten. I can guarantee you that. I'm going to get a cabinet that makes Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz look like Marlo Thomas and his friends in Free to Be...

You and Me. We're going to get a terrible group of people to run this country. And I promise you this, I am the beast. I am the beast at the end of the Bible and I will destroy this planet. -And I'll tell you this, we're going to get... -MAN: Boo! Get it out of here! Get it out of here! -Get it out of here! -I will ensure that all hecklers -are treated with medical attention. -You had your time. You had your time, Bernie. -You had your time. Excuse me. -Well. Well. Well. (whining) However, my big promise, Greg, is: I'll tell you what: we'll get rid of the Kaiser, we'll burn down the Reichstag, and I promise you we'll unify Germany and make it the diamond of Europe for the next 1,000 years.

And I hope you'll engage with me as we do this. Make a promise to me now. -Oh no. Uh... -Don't do that. -We are going to make America and the world -(boos) -great again. Get them out of here! Get them out of here! Get them out of here! I will now read your answers out loud and you, the audience, will decide the winner. Again, I'll read them so you have no idea who wrote what. Before the break, I asked him to send a message to the American people using emoji. Eh... -Emohis. I like them. -No, I...

It's "emoji." -It is of Japanese origin. -Look, I've sat down -with the Emoji community. I understand... -No, it's, uh... -You haven't. They are not real. They are Chinese. -I have -great empathy for Emoji people. -They are essentially pictograms. No. Um, each of you told me privately what these emoji mean and I will interpret them for the audience. Let's see what you came up with. First. First set of emoji. Feel Bern, live Bern, speak Bern. Uh... -Okay. -(audience chants "Bernie!") It could have been either of them. No sir. It could have been either of them. It could have been either of them. -Incredible. -Next...completely anonymous, next...completely anonymous...you better ship yourself to Canada because my tiny orange hands are coming to the White House, honey.

There they are. You are all going to die. You are all going to die. What if that was mine? What if that was mine? Number one was the winner! Senator Bernie Sanders, you have won the Internet, as the hearing here today ruled. -I am an ambassador. -Thank you! I am completely impartial. -Thank you! -I don't benefit in any way. Mr. Trump entering my chamber. You are the most powerful person for the next 23 and a half hours. Thank you, Senator Sanders. See you tomorrow night. Our guests will be Nicole Byer, Alison Rich and Jessica McKenna. Until then, keep tweeting @midnight with your hashtag #IfIWerePresident to become tomorrow's tweet of the day.

I'm @hardwick on Tweets and Instagram. Thank you so much for joining us for our @midnight 2016 presidential debate with Definitely Trump and Actually Bernie Sanders. Good night and may God (bleep) help us all.