Everything Wrong With Lord of the Rings (1979) in 22 Minutes or Less

thank you a long time ago there was a narration in the first years of the second age. Which is unhelpful considering I have no context for when they were first or third age. This is like me telling an alien that I was born after the fall of the Romans. Empire, but before Star Trek, the movie, the forged power

rings

of the great Alvin Smith, okay, but who wove the cheesecloth tapestry that overlaps the opening sequence? Why choose a cheese claw filter? It was 1978, such a desperate time. Nine for mortal men Seven for the Dwarf Lords Seven really for the dwarves whose idea that was and how much Disney paid them, but then the Dark Lord learned the craft of making

rings

and gave way to skipping the part of ring making that requires an understanding of ancient magic.

How many people suddenly? I wonder if you could take a ring making class at the community college and become the master ring master? At least one with the One Ring of Middle-earth is his and can't be defeated, I mean, un

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someone, oh I don't know, gives up theirs. with his finger, he did not notice the heroic Shadow that crept into the narrator and then goes on to say that the heroic Acid Prince did not destroy the ring, so the darkness grew again, confusing the viewer as to why he is considered heroic first and then. For thousands of years, they never thought to check the pawn next to Seildur's death place.

He used the ring to steal and discover secrets, but he forgot to understand how he did it. He was just pretending that he understood how a ring can help you steal. We found Secrets, we're only three

minutes

in and I'm sure that before watching this movie everyone would do well to read the entire Tolkien and Simoleon trilogy to understand all this, so yes, reading

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than 111 years, that's 111 years, thank you . you have a lot of flexibility to move your toes independently, like this, now it's mine and I'll keep it carrying a sword to a wizard fight, falling asleep with an open fire when you literally live under a tree using a paper book as candlestick and To make matters worse, place this candlestick under the branch of a wooden tree, how is it possible that the Shire has not burned several times?

He wants it so much. The bigger question is: did he leave it to her for 17 years and forget to mention that maybe he shouldn't? he plays with a ring that could be linked to the darkest evil force ever known in all of Middle Earth under the power of Sauron, the dark

lord

of Mordor. More names. This is not a movie for normal people trying to relax. The Lord of the Rings I remember the first time I had to read the entire Bible and there were all these names to remember, but then I discovered that the story was actually written to focus on Jesus.

I feel like I'm Re-experiencing that right now Frodo is Jesus and everyone else, I can forget about moving forward, focus on Jesus for Frodo, come on, so I guess we skip the part where he again reads the script and confirms that This is, in fact, the A ring, well, it's not a really important step. Gollum left his cave to follow the ring himself and the dark

lord

trapped him in Mordor. Okay, that explains how Sauron knows about the clue, but what was Gollum doing in Mordor if he knew Bilbo took the ring? On his first stop during his 60 years of searching, be it the damned Shire or wherever he knows hobbits live, Bilbo did not kill that vile creature when he had the chance to support the hobbit side, no, don't tempt me, but before , when Gandalf wielded the ring. that was good for reasons i should go south now to consult with the mage arrow man yes, aramon said instead of saruman and it is rumored that they changed it because the test audience found it too confusing to have two villains starting with the letter s and In a beautiful twist of irony, someone up and left with a bunch of sarmons anyway, which makes it even more confusing than if they never bothered with the armor in the first place.

Santa, you're saying we should join Mordor, why is Saruman suddenly exposing evil? I don't think he really believed he could turn Gandalf, so doesn't it make more sense to keep him oblivious and continue trying to get the location of the ring out of him? Gandalf and Saruman walk as if their pelvises are upside down and their legs are tied with bungee cords, which makes me feel very uncomfortable and I am involved in an impressive time travel feat. A 1978 cartoon based on a book published in 1954 manages to rip the Dementors out of Harry Potter if the ringwraiths can get that close. into the ring and you still can't figure out how they were going to grab it, allowing you to exclaim excitedly when just moments ago Aurora was chasing you and was probably still close enough to hear you cheering.

Rotoscoping is absolutely a choice, it is a choice. I respect that, but this time it's also a choice that has provided a thousand times more nightmare fuel than I was willing to deal with, at least without access to whatever impressive incarnation was available in the 1970s. Tonight we have some visitors with We from In the Shire told him where they came from, what's the point of a false name if you're also giving the damn address of your house, very short, so sorry, I got distracted. Are they talking about Aragorn's robe? Who is it that the ring race decides to attack Mary? because in his general direction and then politely leaving and for no discernible reason other than to warn Frodo and the gang, which shouldn't be his plan, somehow this fall results in the ring being dislodged from Frodo's pocket and landing on your finger in the space of about half a second, yes I know you have a kind of willpower, but if you can perform this maneuver why not jump onto Frodo's finger every time he puts his hand in his pocket afterwards of your performance tonight?

It won't matter what I do. Call yourself the Black Riders they will know who you are in the morning and just listen to me here, since they are designated Strider, perhaps you should have revealed yourself to them before said shenanigans occurred instead of lurking in the shadows and taking hits from your pipe . The Black Riders are watching the road day and night, but who is watching your hem? Well, technically all of us are now looking at the hem because I drew attention to it, but you started by drawing it in the first place. The wild in some dark place where there is no help I thought it was a children's movie I can take you to Rivendell along paths that are rarely inside.

Check this man, Frodo, everyone knows it. You cannot immediately trust the strange man shrouded in darkness. What if he had done it? he stole their most prized items which he clearly already knows, I mean he won't do it when he's Aragorn and a complete badass but they don't know better, all of you strangers need to be taken care of in order for the innkeeper to change his ways. place. These hobbits/troublemakers let me help so quickly it's suspicious inside, check it out Frodo, sorry, these fantasy movies are a brutal reminder of some major DND mistakes. This cartoon was rated PG in the 70s.

PG kids would have had no idea they were PG. I'm not watching Four cartoon Hobbits getting brutally stabbed to death and we're left with this for a full 15 seconds, wait, what's that braid on an avocado? Is that a dragonfly that crashed into the front of his helmet. Okay, this isn't scary anymore, it is. sad, super sad, and the baron was a mortal man and the baron was big on oil he fathered uling, who fathered Eros and Elrond, we got our victory, which is my boo, but she's not even in this movie and I'm also angry about Arwen's absence in this one.

The movie makes me wonder why she was in Jackson's The Lord of the Rings in the first place, but it makes me wonder that it's super simple. I really don't know why we're supposed to be afraid of the Ring fees after thousands of years of searching. They finally find the ring and instead of destroying Frodo while they have him surrounded, they send this one, the only one who manages to inflict a slight wound in the armpit before being scared off by a man with no sleeves and some serious fire, that's all, They leave just because. They are going to wave some torches at them one of the demon Riders decides to take advantage of Frodo we can say I think a piece broke off in the wound and is working inwards how does that happen I was Frodo's flesh strong enough to break an evil demon sword and why isn't this more surprising to Aragorn Lego ergon has time for this prolonged meeting while Frodo is literally dying on the back of a horse you feel me?

Sam Sam doesn't respond, which definitely means he doesn't understand it, so Legolas has a sin for being an idiot and not explaining it in the simplest way, which of course is simply saying I'm a timeless being, stop being silly and Do as I say Aragorn thinks it was going to happen here, okay? So far, ring fees haven't been the most challenging enemies, but putting your feet in a horse fight is never a good idea. I dubbed Lego dirty porn of the greatest hybrid of elves, Siamese cats and Vincent d'onofrio's character for Men In. Black wait, where did everyone go?

Frodo hasn't put the ring back on so this isn't that weird place in the Kingdom of Shadows where the hell Legolas Sam Marion is gone and gone and why is it suddenly dark why am I not high right now word of Wise thing, if you want to show off your equestrian moves, this gimmicky means won't help it look good or make sense. You turned the horse into a black shadow, dropped acid with perspective and ate the film reel again and then cut it. a movie, stop, come back tomorrow, we'll take you, man, the movie doesn't really explain things very well, we know more about the beginning of time than any clue as to why the horse Chase just stopped at the water line, part yellow and then starts crossing the water.

Where is the narrator when you need him? the water horse reeks of Machina. I'm here and you're lucky to be here too after all the absurd things you've done. Yes, it's totally my fault that an old man sent me into the ocean. savage with the ring possessed so the ghost man could track me down and stab me. I'm an idiot for letting that happen. You would have become one of the Ring Wraiths like them if it is that easy to create a Ring Wraith. Why not? They do it with every random person they meet along the way and raise an army of ringers.

You haven't asked me why I was late to the Shire. Jesus scanned the boy who just woke up from almost dying, give them a moment to prioritize. your thoughts and maybe take a minute to accept the fact that the first thing on Frodo's list is 11 Z and not a play-by-play of the balrog battle I put together right away for Eisendal Ruby now thinks we need a flashback for something which happened less than 30

minutes

ago, which is at least an acknowledgment that he said 30 minutes actually felt like three days in this awkward moment when Frodo breaks the fourth wall while Gandalf strokes his head, the food is very good and I listen and I think, judging by the So Far, I'm honestly afraid that the rest of the movie might be devoted to Bilbo's Yelp review of Rivendell Adventures.

What I've been saying since we left the Shire somehow makes it into the script. The elves and dwarves, in turn, told what They Knew of Sauron's preparations, yes, but did they have to do it while brandishing a weapon? This is a discussion, it is not a time to show the weaponry, but the ax and the bow, so that Frodo would finally know the true heritage of Aragon. Well, good for Frodo. You're also interested in giving the audience a clue and they may not notice the silent little feet walking towards Peril, but in no time they've been on the path, those little furry feet have managed to attract all the attention. from the ring rights to the tavern people, forgive me for expecting anything more than possible for your plan to save all of Middle Earth, that's what you're trying to decide here by putting your hands on the incredibly respected legend that is Bilbo Baggins , Dumbledore is salty in this version I love it, but I still don't touch Bilbo, although I don't know the way I think this task is assigned to you, Frodo.

I know Gladrill's voice is described as deeper, but damn, it suddenly looks and sounds exactly the same. Elrond, here, I thought you might be interested in having them. I don't think he should look good rejecting the legendary Under Armor because it doesn't look good, shine what his enemies have on the ox and stuff. How about we take the time to explain the fine print on magically imbued items before passing them on to their new owner. Go for the dwarves, but forget about seeing anyone mention them, as the animators have opted to bury the characters in a blinding blizzard. go and trust the ring, Frodo is a pretty sketchy idea, but okay, it's fake or whatever, what I'll never understand is whythat the rather useless Marion Pippin is allowed to go, yes, they bring up the inside of the conflict, but there's no way that was part of it. of this batch plan, Gandal fills that door, open it in a minute, what if he can't?

The fireworks are all very pretty, but this is elf magic, if only it came from a big elf city that could have given you some kind of head. above or better yet, what if you had an elf present in your party? Water people, you dwarves are for hiding things, wait this is a dwarven mine, why is it protected by elven magic? Yes, I'm sure the answers we're looking for are in the book, but you're sending the movie and believing that you don't want us to start sending books about that didn't sound at all like melon and you know it Frodo surrounded by two human warriors an elf a dwarf and a wizard and none of them were around and protect the Last Hope for Middle-earth from the tentacles.

Duty, no, clearly, no need to tell anyone. We're just going to hello, hello, the more we go and I hope I was dreaming. I dropped a stone full of a duck, drop right now. Shut up, hey grumbledore, it was your idea to choose the specific place to rest and all you've done is scold people for breathing too hard if it's so dangerous, why choose the place to rest by throwing four foot long battle swords? to your allies? I realize it's alarming to hear this when Moria has been silent until now, but Gandalf just read about drums in the depths, not metals in the Depths.

I think they'll be fine after all, they'll come close the door to change them while everyone rushes to fight an approaching Orc Army. I can't help but think of some kind of magic sword that could maybe shine. or something like that when the Orcs are nearby would ease the sting of the sudden attack. I've heard that a great way to keep the Orcs' arrows from getting tangled in your beard is to stay away from the only space where they can shoot through this job you can't get past. William Squire does it. Good job, but this thing doesn't contain a Syrian McClellan and it's not enough.

Oh, it won't happen, love. Florian is a place of healing, but it's a place to turn in your XP and upgrade weapons because Boromir's sword looks powerful, there's no evil. in it unless a man brings evil with him welcome to The Lorien I guess we're on Lothlorian, so I mean this movie jumps around so fast I might need Galadriel to take a look at my Whiplash when I'm done with the hobbits holy, I just realized that this movie must have inspired What Dreams May Come and that the movie can go to hell. The mirror shows a lot of things, Sam, and not all of them have happened yet, some never did, so the puddle of prophecy is a little less useless than the Zodiac when someone promised me that this movie would bring me guarantee shooting a rainbow from a ring this was not what I had in mind I passed the test the music tells me this scene is whimsical it is sober but the delivery lines are as dull as reading a shopping list in a few days I will have to choose: do we turn west with varamir e we go to the wars of Gondor or we turn east towards Mordor and is the dark lord?

How is this even a question? The mission is to go to Mordor and destroy the mirror pierced ring Gondor you stay with Frodo and tighten that ring damn the day of election we have long delayed there is no choice you go to Mordor I am not Gandalf if he had any plan for this moment he never told me He said Was it Mordor? Can I stay and talk to you just for a little while? None of the others wonder hmm, I wonder if we were born, he disappeared, he sure seems very interested in wearing the ring.

I'm sure he wouldn't be. trying to take it from Proto by force, save my people, character survives long enough to share the dying requests, cliché, the ring bearer's face is no longer in my hands, the company of the Ring has played its role only because You say it according to that logic. my parents could have claimed the same after getting me lost at Walmart, sadly we valued our time with Jeremy, but when we arrived at the cashier without a child in sight, we knew our time together had passed and our responsibilities as parents were finally over.

The video never asks about The only time I cracked a smile during this entire movie was here while looking at Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Master Ranger, future king of Gondor, and I explainably tripped over his own damn sword, who on the animation team They hated this character so much that they made the effort. to animate this enormous you, one of them is alive anyway, but this brooch does not mean that for all of Aragorn's loans they could have been killed and eaten before, during or after. The Brush fell, okay, not a happy thought, but it's better than false hope, thank you.

Oh my goodness, because of that rope the elves gave you, we've never been down that last cliff without it, we decided to show us two straight minutes of nondescript silhouettes running through an oil painting, but we skipped showing us the dramatic scene of Frodo and Sam climbing a dangerous Come to think of the movie, Cliff Face also skipped the importance of the plot scene where Galadriel gives the rope to the elephant. So the girls find a place to camp. I guess maybe tomorrow there will be a way. What kind of logic is it? He believes the Mordor city planning team will come overnight and install a new pedestrian overpass right in Mordor.

I have to say it's very sporting of the Riders of Rohan to stop killing the Orcs long enough for them to establish this defensive line. It doesn't make any sense, but it sure hints at what kind of orcs aren't the most intelligent creatures in Middle Earth, but damn, if they're smart enough to create this defensive circle, they're smart enough not to give up. this. convenient Gap and maybe even give this intruding horse a push while galloping, however this guy is also an idiot who rides straight alone and gets shot immediately, so sins to all, I don't even know where we are, you should have made.

You studied more maps and played less in Rivendell, but if you had studied the maps, how would the audience know where you are and why this place is important? So where would you be, full of attack, you can call me to explain who you are after I was already limping them, it's not a tree, a tree shepherd, oh huh, I knocked down my enemy and

everything

broke the mountainside , but since the film decides to bombard us with A Thousand Cuts edited by Salvador Dalí instead of showing us the battle, this story emerges. More like one of those exaggerated stories Daniel from accounting always shares, but that time he claimed to have fought off an eight-foot bear with nothing more than an apron, some barbecue tongs, and a winning smile at his family gathering. in Connecticut last weekend, certainly Gandalf and Daniel.

We believe, holy man, that the second age must be established sometime around 2003 because Bruce Almighty Moon is huge, the big danger is for Adoras Salomon. The Orcs will attack there in two days and you still had time for Saruman to fake it instead of rallying the troops. or wondering where the two-thirds of his previously intact community have gone Adam has aged and leaves

everything

in the hands of his new Minister and the last position he held hundreds will face his tens of thousands Saruman has been conspiring with Mordor by poisoning the mind of the King Theoden and has gathered the largest army of Orcs the world has ever seen and Gandalf never suspected that something was going on with Shady with his old friend and once again I'm sure there are tons of things in the book that do this more believable, but this movie decides to spend more time animating individual hobbit toes than catering to anyone who hasn't read the books in the last decade.

I'd love to know who's taking the time to teach the Orcs how to play a tune. horns and why they think it's a good use of their musical skills. I'll find Emma and her Riders, my eardrums tearing after this unnecessarily loud exclamation. Do you really like watching people ride horses? How about you see it strangely animated in such a way that the people look like polymer clay models being electrocuted, well, I have a waste of time for you. Heights vacancies we must have the precious. A few minutes ago we saw Sam berating himself for falling asleep instead of looking at Gollum, but now it seems like they've abandoned the idea of ​​taking guards altogether and I've developed selective deafness while Gollum monologues through the night about murdering all the important people who survived this sky. it's blue the sky is red the wall is green now it's red it doesn't mean anything but remember to meditate before going to bed to try to forget this nightmare you may come to this story because of the relationships that Tolkien wrote so passionately about or Perhaps because of the themes of overcoming great obstacles and the bonds that bind us despite career sex, this series is favorably one of the best adventure stories ever written, but this movie doesn't give a shit about any of that and plunges headlong into the longest and worst depiction of battle scenes ever to appear on screen.

Listen, that's not how I remember the Battle of Helm's Deep. to the exploding orc and to Aragorn throwing gimlet. Damn, I wish these adaptations did a better job of sticking to the source material that inspired it. No elves are hurt defending Helm's team. We're there, Sam, another day, maybe two, and you. It's not there, well, that's a good thing, Mr. Frodo, because we're running out of food, you're running out of time too. I can't wait to see how they resolve all these loose threats, give the Minister Battle where it's deserved. and bring the ring to Mordor in the next 10 minutes.

I don't think the story is developing at all, let's talk and imagine, but this is going to be incredible, these fidgets who can't sit still like everyone else. It's great to see you, Gandalf, now bring. He pulls out that magic staff and vaporizes some fools. You will simply swing your sword in the air. That works too sacred. The Orcs immediately scatter, but why would they care about a few extra Riders? Gandalf is scary, but they still must be outnumbered by thousands and thousands. I heard the Orcs act like they know there isn't enough time in the movie to continue this battle, the forces of Darkness were forever driven from the face of Middle Earth, well I guess there's no need to worry about that mission super dangerous Mordor, then you better take one. of those big eagles and send a message to Frodo and Sam before, I don't know, they get eaten by a giant spider or something, since their battle of chevrons is over, so does the first great story of the first great tale, sir narrator, this is the first and small one. of a second and probably parts of the third, but somehow not enough of all at the same time.

I mean, it's kind of funny that The Return of the King had too many endings and this movie solves that by not even having one, and also disrespects the conglomerate. So, it's not graduation day that's going to come back and stab someone in the face, including anyone who said Infinity War isn't a complete movie. This movie would like you to hold your beer. Oh, launch next time and Renaissance I. I'm in the office, but as you deserve by the power of Gray Skull Artex you're sinking, come on, the time has come for you to live, sink for your life, we must send the ring to the fire where it was made, to Mount Doom.

One does not simply enter Mordor, what does the ring bearer say? By your combined powers. I'm Captain Planet Jesus Christ, that's Jason Bourne. The forces of Darkness were driven forever from the face of Middle-earth by Frodo's brave friends and that is the end. from that chapter