President Trump Contradicts His Own Experts On Coronavirus Response

WELCOME FRIENDS TO "THE LATE SHOW". I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT (Applause and applause) TONIGHT. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE EXCITED BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE NICE NIGHT! IT'S SUPER TUESDAY, THE BIGGEST TICKET-- THE BIGGEST TICKET OF THE PRIMARY SEASON WHERE TONIGHT THE MOST OF THE DELEGATES WERE GIVED TO... SOMEONE I ASSUME. BECAUSE WHILE WE RECORD THIS, THE RESULTS ARE NOT IN YET. BUT IT TAKES MORE THAN COMPLETE IGNORANCE FOR ME TO STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT ON TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. I BEAT TRUMP! HE WON A LOT OF MONEY. I'M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM.

BING, BING, BONG, BONG. "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020: SUPER TUESDAY SENIOR CITIZEN SELECTOR BELOW. EVERYTHING DEPENDS ON TONIGHT TO SECURE THE 2020 VICTORY. LEAVE OUT! Stephen: WE WANT TO WELCOME OUR NEW SPONSORS. THE GREAT HISTORY COMING! TONIGHT IS THAT THE MODERATES ARE CONSOLIDATING BEHIND JOE BIDEN. YES, THE MODERATES ARE CONSOLIDATING THEM. WE ARE REACHING EXTREME LEVELS OF CENTRISM! "LATE SHOW". MEH. Stephen: WITH ALL THOSE WHO HAVE LEFT THE RACE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- AT 11 YEARS OLD JOE BIDEN IS NOW THE YOUNGEST MAN COMPETING FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION-- 77 KEEP IN MIND. KEEP IN MIND THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR MEN IS AROUND 76.

ASK, IF ONE OF THESE DEMOCRATIC MEN IS ELECTED, HE WILL KNOW HIS FIRST YEAR IN OFFICE WILL BE CHECKED OFF THE WISH LIST." MY FELLOW AMERICANS, IN MY FIRST 100" DAYS I WILL LEARN TO SURF. I will ride a bike on a moik. And I'll make out with ANGIE DICKENSON. POLICE WOMAN, I LOVE YOU! " LAST NIGHT, BIDEN ACCUMULATED TWO BIG ENDORSEMENTS: FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND PINOCCHIO BUSINESSMAN, PETE BUTTIGIEG; ALONG WITH MINNESOTA SENATOR AND HIS MOM WHO SUPPORTED HIM AFTER HE MISSED THE DANCE RECITAL, AMY KLOBUCHAR. KLOBUCHAR TOOK THE STAGE AND HE ANNOUNCED HIS SUPPORT FOR JOE TODAY I WILL END MY CAMPAIGN AND ENDORSE JOE BIDEN FOR PRESIDENT (APPLAUSE AND APPLAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO END MY CAMPAIGN THAN TO JOIN YOURS TO END YOUR CAMPAIGN).

DID YOU THINK ABOUT WINNING? (LAUGHTER) NOW, WE KNEW BUTTIGIEG AND KLOBUCHAR WERE GOING TO ENDORSE BIDEN, BUT THEN THE VICE PRESIDENT INTRODUCED A SURPRISE GUEST THERE'S ONE MORE PERSON I WANT TO THANK, A MAN WHO ELECTRIFIED THIS STATE AND NATION. ONE OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE US SENATE RACE WE HAVE EVER SEEN, HERE IN THIS STATE AND HE DEMONSTRATED ENORMOUS COMPASSION AND COURAGE AFTER THE SHOOTING IN EL PASO, A MAN WITH AN UNLIMITED FUTURE, A MAN WHO WILL CHANGE THIS NATION FORWARD. BEST FOR MANY YEARS. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BETO O'ROURKE! (Applause and applause) Stephen: WOW, IS BETO BACK TOO?

THIS IS LIKE A MEETING OF "FRIENDS" IF SOME OF THE FRIENDS WERE GONE LONGER THAN OTHERS AND NONE WERE FRIENDS. BY GETTING TOGETHER WITH BIDEN, BETO, AMY AND PETE, THEY ARE AGING IN FACE OF BERNIE SANDERS. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT BECAUSE YOU'LL NEED IT. I MOVE AT A SINGLE SPEED: A DETERMINED LUNCH. I BOW. I'M LIKE A GLACIER IN SLOW SPEED." IN RESPONSE, LAST NIGHT, SANDERS HOLD A RALL IN AMY KLOBUCHAR'S HOME STATE, MINNESOTA, AND WELCOME HIS SUPPORTERS TO HIS CAMPAIGN. TO ALL OF AMY'S MILLIONS OF SUPPORTERS AND PETE, THE DOOR IS OPEN. GO IN. Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "BUT ONCE YOU'RE IN, CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR!" YOU ARE LETTING THE HEAT OUT.

WHAT, YOU THINK WE'RE MADE OF MONEY? ROLL UP A TOWEL AND PUSH IT ON THE BOTTOM." TRUMP ALSO HAD A RALL LAST NIGHT. HE WAS AT THE SUPER TUESDAY STATE IN NORTH CAROLINA, AND HE WAS PLEASED IN A REALLY STRANGE WAY. YOU KNOW ERIC AND LARA CALLED HIS DAUGHTER. YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT HER NAME IS CAROLINA, HER NAME IS CAROLINA FOR A REASON. (LAUGHTER) Stephen: HER GRANDCHILDREN'S NAMES OF THE THINGS HE NEEDS TO WIN RE-ELECTION, THOSE ARE MY GRANDDAUGHTERS, CAROLINA AND PENNSYLVANIA. MY GRANDCHILDREN, VOTER SUPPRESSION, RUST BELT COAL MINER WHO VOTES AGAINST HIS ECONOMIC INTEREST, AND OF COURSE, AND OF COURSE, LITTLE KU KLUX KENNY." I LOVE YOU.

TAKE HIS GRANDFATHER from him. SPEAKING OF THE CORONAVIRUS, IT HAS NOW BEEN FOUND IN AT LEAST 15 STATES YESTERDAY, TRUMP MEET WITH THE TOP EXECUTIVES OF BIG PHARMACEUTICALS TO SHOW THAT HE IS ON TOP OF THE CRISIS. WE HAVE NO ONE IN THIS COUNTRY VACCINATED AGAINST CORONAVIRUS RIGHT NOW. THE SAME VACCINE CANNOT WORK. YOU TAKE A SOLID FLU VACCINE, DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE AN IMPACT OR A LOT OF IMPACT ON THE CORONA? NO. PROBABLY NONE. "So a regular flu shot won't work? HEY, STRANGE. WHAT ABOUT A SOLID FLU SHOT? I'm talking first class, admiral class.

Now, what about CIRCLE DOT COOTIE SHOT? AND THAT ?OK. How about this? NO, HOW ABOUT THIS? I'M TALKING ABOUT THE GOOD THINGS. TRY IT. will you try?" THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THE CORONAVIRUS HAS ACTUALLY SPREAD IN THE UNITED STATES. AS OF LAST WEEK, THE CDC HAD SCREEN JUST LESS THAN 500 AMERICANS WITH SUSPECTED INFECTIONS. OTHER NATIONS HAVE EXAMINED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PATIENTS. CHINA HAS PROBABLY TESTED MILLIONS. WE ARE FAR BEHIND OTHER NATIONS, IT'S EMBARRASSING WE ARE LIKE THE FRIEND WHO JUST SAID: "GUYS, I STARTED THIS SHOW CALLED 'GAME OF THRONES'.

I THINK YOU'LL UNDERSTAND. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHO WINS THE GAME OF THRONE. "I bet it's NED STARK. I'M ON EPISODE ONE." OF COURSE, THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO STAY SAFE FROM CORONAVIRUS, LIKE WASHING YOUR HANDS. EXPERTS SAY TO SCRUB FOR A MINIMUM OF 20 SECONDS. IT'S A LONG TIME. THAT'S THE TIME I COULD BE SPENDING WITH MY FAMILY... SPREADING THE CORONAVIRUS (LAUGHTER) TO HELP WASH FOR ENOUGH TIME, EXPERTS HAVE SUGGESTED HUMMING A SONG ABOUT 20 SECONDS LONG, THEY SAY 20 SECONDS IS THE EQUIVALENT OF SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" TWICE. BUT ANY 20 SECOND CHORUS WORKS, SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ALREADY SICK AND DON'T WANT TO SPREAD IT TO OTHERS, I RECOMMEND: (SINGING "HOT BLOODED") ♪ HOT BLOODED CHECK IT AND SEE ♪ I HAVE ONE.

FEVER OF 103 COME ON, BABY, DO YOU DO MORE THAN DANCING? ♪ HOT-BLOODED, HOT-BLOODED ♪ VERY SICK (Applause and applause) O-- OR, AT LEAST, HOW ABOUT (SINGING TO "MY SHARONA"? ) ♪ VIRUS MUH-MUH-MUH ♪ THANK YOU. Jon: THAT WAS NICE Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH THE MAIN REASON FOR WASHING YOUR HANDS IS THAT YOU DON'T WANT THE GERMS TO GET TO THE FACE AREA. THAT'S WHY EXPERTS KEEP SAYING THIS: KEEP YOUR FINGERTIPS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES. TOUCH YOUR FACE LESS. DO NOT TOUCH YOUR EYES OR FACE WITH YOUR HANDS. DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE. DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE. DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE. Stephen: DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE. NO! DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE! NO! BACK BACK. OF! ED ON THE GOOD AND THEN I'LL LET YOU PLAY SOMETHING NICE. ( Applause and applause ) BUT SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES... ( Applause and applause ) SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY TO PREVENT THE VIRUS FROM SPREADING IS TO SIMPLY TURN THINGS OFF. FOR EXAMPLE, TWO SCHOOLS IN NEW YORK CLOSED TODAY DUE TO FEAR OF THE CORONAVIRUS. SAR ACADEMY AND SAR HIGH SCHOOL. OOOH, SO CLOSE TO THE WORD "SARS". (LAUGHTER) THERE HAS NOT BEEN SUCH AN IRONIC OUTBREAK SINCE THE CLOSURE OF HERPE HIGH. (LAUGHTER) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. (Applause and applause) ANTHONY MACKIE IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "IN THE MEANWHILE!" PLEASE JOIN US.