Peter Cook & Barry Humphries interview - The Late Clive James (1987)

nonsense, everything that has happened in comedy since him happened because of him and continues to happen once again. I am overwhelmed to welcome Peter Cook. The general elections are just a few weeks away. How are you enjoying the television coverage? Oh, I think I'm so happy. excited, it's so fun, I had such a good time, it only happens once every four years which is depressing but I think now it's honest, we should enjoy it because in some ways it's different from any election we've ever had. "I've ever had it in the past, I mean, it's so exciting, what do you think of all the technology and stuff on television and computers?

Don't you miss the old days of Bob McKenzie and, oh, the swing "Amity, yes, well?" It would be a little difficult with three games, wouldn't it be getting that machine? Balance the new technology with you and continue for longer. What I really enjoy about election night is staying up forever and ever, in fact, I missed the last election, but luckily I caught it on video. He told me the results. The tension when I returned from my bay area. There is a good chance that the results will take a long time this year because it may be a hung Parliament.

Do you know what a Parliament without a majority is? Well, I prefer to call it a balanced Parliament because it is going to be a thoughtful election, as David Owen keeps telling us, and lo and behold, it is a very well balanced College. What about opinion polls? Do you pay attention to them? Yes, I do. They have never asked me. I've been wandering around Hampton day and night like a floating voter. I'm a guppy. Guppy is, well, I'm a guppy. It's kind of a pessimistic, um, bleak, um useless practice, we've gotten a lot better, but. no one has asked me I think we were once famous for formulating a theory of power with a mustache.

Could you walk us briefly through that theory? Well, I started my mustache, uh, lifestyle with MacMillan and I felt that the mustache without The mustache MacMillan couldn't have done anything and I think that stars allow you to act perfectly and, for example, in Oops Apocalypse I played a prime minister crazy. I think he gives you the ability to invade places. The really good thing is that they have them all. he had mustaches in general and in fact they get eaten right out of the sewers with his mustache, quite a consummate aggressor and some say that Maggie is the triumph of these decorators, but for the sake of balance, so is David Owens and of course Of course, Neil Stash. and Neil, yeah, yeah, I mean, and you've done very well so far, how would you solve MI5?

Well, given the power to do so, I mean, what is it? Well, I'm private, a little information I should probably pass on to you. You, yes, the person from Tubular Bells, yes, he was a spy and if you play Tubular Bells backwards, you get the locations of all our missiles in locations, so it wasn't all that, all the missiles, in fact, are dressed by Bruce Oldfield for the royalty you were. Cambridge, so you knew one of the requirements to be a British spy because all the British buyers have been Cambridge. It's one of the very good things about the British, but he is a very well-educated person.

He approached you in Cambridge as a um. They contacted me, but. uh I guess that's one of the things you have to do first to qualify that, but uh um no, they never asked me, they never asked me at all how do you apply to be a spy. Actually, but eight weeks ago I tried to call the Kremlin and It's very difficult, you call International Directory Inquiries and say, Could you give me the Kremlin's number, please? It took me about four hours to get the president's number and then there was no one. What were you going to tell them if you passed?

I want to drop out, yes, when I was a student, I got on the subway and fell asleep and woke up. in East Germany and I came out of a subway station in East Germany and there was a big gummi store with a lot of cardboard hats and shoes and horrible products and a lot of people lining up to buy them and I showed up in the window and the police stopped. He came up and asked me what are you doing here in German and I said I'm a stupid idiot. I said I want to defect to the east because we can't get these wonderful cardboards, some beautiful cardboard shoes, and wonderful pieces of thread to keep your pants up. and I would like to enjoy the freedom of East Berlin and I must have been very upset and they took me to prison and put me in a cell, but that didn't stop me and I said, oh, this is much nicer, ours are I'm very proud from people who play with their transistors all the time.

Could you, uh, could you have survived in prison without television? No I dont think so. I don't believe it. I also depend entirely on television to breathe and live, someone once said there. There are two types of human beings, there are those who when they enter a room turn off the television and there are those who when they enter a room they turn on the television and you are one of the second. I leave it on in all rooms and if I go to a dinner I really want to see what they show on television. There are so many wonderful things on television.

Which program can't you live without? Let's narrow it down to the really cool one. What's happening? the old stuff the old American shows are you a fan of Ironside I like that inside I think Raymond Burr had to work too hard on that inside because he's in a wheelchair but he had to do all these things and he's too big a star I think he had I had to do all that kind of stunt work and I came up with a one-man show called Bedside where Raymond Burr just lies in bed and Jack Lord from Hawaii Five-O runs out and does all the physical work. things we have all night on TV now, what do you think should be on in the early hours?

What do you want to see? A lot of very old programs. What about the evangelists? Do you think we have enough of that already? Have you ever seen Jim Becker and his Jim Baker and his lovely wife? I saw them every time I was in the US, they were wonderful, but the extraordinary thing about America is that they can put a man on the moon, but they can't make a decent foreign wig oh yes, I have a very good video and I have stored so many things that it's wonderful to wake up before four in the morning put on anything random and have a night of news from 1979. uh yeah, I just have just record a lot of stuff, you master the technology, so no, no, that's why it took me about a year to figure out how to record something I wasn't watching, yeah it's remote control but I can't do that yeah.

I've always found that the next model, the one after the one I have, is the one that can really do things. I have always been distanced by technology. Well, now there is one that they keep advertising that says that. all you have to do is select your program for the radio or television times and point to the program, that strange little sudden code like if you were grocery shopping and then you point the radio times to the video recorder and it records everything I think that's what the ad implies, it's very difficult, isn't it kind of cheating to kneel in front of your videos?

I think voice activated would be the thing, yeah, and just um, just the evening news, the

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movie and whatever. obscene, do you happen to see, find the commercials in the programme, yes I like them, I have deleted all the adverts I don't like at the moment, these men jumping in the air at the end, yes, after a cockney song. I can't stand those, uh, do it, all the people who jump in the air, they fit well. Some of them are very athletic, if you like Steve Crown's ad. Yeah, I think you might have some good, um, negative, uh, kind of backup.

I mean, there's Crown. associated with breakfast cereal now let's assume that Klaus Barbie is guaranteed television coverage for the first two days, in any case, if you insisted on wearing Nike shoes and putting them on the table, how much would it cost to edit those foreign language commercials? It's a very serious question, what's up with the AIDS commercials? What do you think of the ones I saw? The two things about AIDS and the iceberg that means you have it underwater nine-tenths of the time at that moment. It's an important topic, so here we are. I'm going to come back to this right now, we have a break ahead of us so for now stay put.

I have to say, for now, thank you very much Peter Cook. Peter Cook will stay during the break, after which we will join up. The Australian toast star named her Edna and his name is Barry Humphreys. Thanks to our intimate contact with Fleet Street, this program can reveal that the world news next Sunday will expose the Barry Humphreys scandal. reveal that Australian macho superstar Barry Humphries is in fact a Russian spy and has been a Russian spy since he was a prefect at a school in Australia. World news will reveal schoolboy Humphreys' questionable sexual tendencies. Humphries came to England and joined MI5, whose makeup experts allowed him to break into the BBC and compare what life is like for an entire year without anyone noticing the difference, but the news of the world will prove that Humphrey's coup in Boulders was yet to arrive dressed as a woman and calling himself Edna Everage, double agent Humphreys. penetrated the inner circles of the establishment, Humphreys was able to tell the Russians that the Prince of Wales, in a further quest for spiritual enlightenment, was going around wearing a lamp as a hat.

Yes, the queen suspected something was wrong with her new friend Edna, even though she couldn't identify him laughs her cover balloon x triple bypass agent Barry Humphries now lives in sadly reduced circumstances all he asks is to avoid publicity and That's why you're here tonight to bake the simple right of an ordinary citizen to be left alone Peter Unleashed Dame Edna on an unsuspecting public was a hit from the start no I really don't think Edna started her career in London certainly a career British as a dismal failure I think Peter was so clever and guessed Talent where it would not otherwise be evident.

Me many years ago, when I was playing an Undertaker in Oliver, which was a musical version of Oliver Twist, no one thought it would work, it's still working somewhere, he was in Beyond The Fringe, I was in everything, we were neighbors in the West End and Someone gave him one of my first Australian-made gramophone records. I don't think they even call them gramophone records anymore. I thought he promised her. Later he founded a satirical nightclub in SoHo called The Establishment, which was a very smart place to go. A bunch of very talented people imitated Harold MacMillan there, among other things, and he hired me to go there and do my Australian monologues, one of whom, of course, was Edna, and no one laughed at all.

I remember that the first night the order of the demanding audience was very quickly I recognized my lack of talent and everyone headed to the bar except Bamba Gascoigne, yes, and that's a real name, a real person, so he was the critic from The Spectator and only he stayed and watched the programme, he was sitting at a small round table about a meter away from me and I could see that I hadn't shaved my legs, so that was it. I thought I'd never do these Australian characters in London again, although Peter Cook thinks they're funny, but what do you think? of you in Australia, well, you just have to stumble, you know, to be trampled to death in my wonderful sun-kissed Homeland.

I remember once, from time to time, they have a campaign against me. Let's be honest, it's hard to believe this. England that this could happen, but my wife gave me a young son six years ago and I took him home to see my mother in a suburb of Melbourne. We looked out the sunroom window where my mother was sitting, she seemed to be listening to a transistor. said here's Oscar, you know, my mother said shh, listen to this, she said this is what they think of you Barry and a disc jockey called Patrick Tennyson are all named after poets in Australia.

I was

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ing Housewives about how bad it was for Australia. and a woman said, well, I agree with you, Patrick. I've never seen Brian Humphrey's shows, but I'm sure he gives a very bad image of Australia and that's why English immigrants don't come here. I couldn't understand a word. Edgeway so I went to another room and called the radio station as Edna. I immediately went into the program and said hello Patrick, I'm Dave Edner. I just listened to your program and I totally agree with you. Mary Humphries is amazing. In my opinion, it was never fun and I know her mother agrees.

My mother turned off the television and devoted her attention to her grandson Peter. Peter was not only responsible for unleashing Edna on the British public, but also through private detective Barry McKenzie. It was not so? What happened to Barry? How did Barry get started? You see, despite Edna's failure at the establishment, Peter still had this crazy faith in my ability. He said one of your recorded sketches is about an Australian in Earl's Court that we all used to go to. I live there I mean it's South African books now I think but in the old days it was called Kangaroo Valley yeah I think a dentist settled there and all the AustraliansThey came in droves and said this character who wanders around Earl's Court and drinks a lot. of Foster's beer, which was a kind of drink that you could only get with a licence, I think, and in a pub he said that this character has potential, why don't you do a comic strip about him?

Tell me more about the things Barry said. Which ones did you actually make up because some of the famous ones, like pointing Percy at the china, was that Australian folklore or did you do it? I can't remember it anymore. He may have heard it once, yes, I certainly did more than once, of course, in a comic strip. If you want to teach the reader a new form of language, a new usage, you have to keep repeating. I really like the word Chanda, which was Barry. McKenzie's for being sick, you know, enjoy backwards, as well as the various explanations for the origins of the word Chun, you know it was suggested that it could have meant looking underneath, it could have been something you shouted if you're on a boat, maybe . even a convict ship which I prefer to subscribe to, but I had to keep repeating the word to teach readers about chundering, which meant Barry McKinsey had to be sick a lot, he was sick in almost every episode, it's surprising that the beer will ever take off. yes, unusual experiences, although with uh, is it Mr.

Gort? I remember yes, he went to a London suburb called Rickmansworth to meet a family who would be sent data to during the war. I remember that in Australia you are too young to remember this. Clive, but a lot of houses in Australia during the Second World War were fat for Britain's tanks and people on Sundays used to save roast string drippings and all that and little bits of roast potatoes and leave them in a tin outside. someone's house and this would be sent, you see, to The Ponds, unfortunately for you, most of it was torpedoed by the Japanese, there are a lot of Australians dripping at the bottom of the Pacific, but Barry insists that you will see this Rickmansworth family, whose boss was played by the

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Dennis Price, distinguished star of Kind Hearts and Crowns by then Fallen to Harder Days and played the role of Ronald Gort who invited Barry McKenzie to his studio and then put a schoolboy hat on his head and He spilled the ink and said Mr.

McKenzie, look, you'd be naughty, you'd better punish me and bend down to offer Barry McKenzie a running shoe of some kind. A fanciful incident that of course could never happen, as you know, hahaha, some people even quickly change the subject. Some people in Australia suggest that Barry McKenzie and Les Patterson and the like are holding back Australia's image abroad. Is there something to this in your opinion? Well, it's working. I think they really maybe are, but that was my intention after all. Is not difficult. Isn't it that people like John Cleese, who makes wonderful comedies about bad service in British hotels, never get their knuckles wrapped around them, but in Australia you only have to make a few little jokes about our most endearing flaws to be accused of betrayal, in fact, the pillory is? a traitor, how about it?

We've talked a lot about Edna's new talk show, why has she decided to dedicate herself to this new art form? Well, David has been out of TV for a long time and, in fact, she hasn't performed in a West End show. for more than five years, so he is planning a return and Edna feels that her time has come and what of course she wants are very high-powered guests, so the invitation to put the White House in the Vatican, the difficulty is, Of course, half the world has never heard of Edna and the rest are both afraid to go on her show, so it may well end with rejections from Terry Wogan, we don't think so, the idea of ​​course is have a comfortable chair for the decision of the guests, which is at the same time. quite menacing, he should lean back and maybe he should be electrified, we thought we'd call the show Dame Edna's Hot Seat and maybe even have a guest sitting in a chair who could kick him out if he wasn't very entertained or we could call it word of mouth or damn.

Madness is sticking her nose into Barry Manilow's business tonight, but she's looking forward to it and I, as her manager, am a little nervous, but I think she'll do pretty well. It could be a series. She has a series, she has a very extensive wardrobe and you go shopping for her, it's a strange experience, well, the audio is well recorded, but Amanda is that I'm the same size, sometimes I have to go to stores that sell. women's clothes and I say well, I need a pair of shoes for my wife whose feet are about my size and uh, the girl at Selfridges says don't worry love, she said all the boys buy her dragon, but now, for Of course, she is a mega star. made for her, you know, it's a different life for the day she changed over the years, she used to be an ordinary housewife from Melbourne with unshaven legs, a double set, you know, not much different to the Prime Minister of England that you're tasting, choosing Edna's clothes is impeccable and uh, and I might say, well, a lot of people have said that you're tasting, choosing your own clothes is impeccable, does Barry Humphries give up because he's so happy to think a lot about uh, very close to the appearance of the image?

I really like dressing you. I know, since I had to approach the bank managers I decided it was better to look like that, but yeah, I like to try to look respectable and as you know, no comic is really respectable, but I would like to give that impression. I'm also because I come from Melbourne, which is John Benjamin, says Cheltenham in the jungle, it's a bit like Wembley or, as Jonathan Miller said, an overheated Manchester. Hi, I'm kind of a typical middle-class know-it-all in a way, Peter, you're closed to shipping. Send us a message What are those sports shoes that don't tell us anything?

These are sending out a very, very strong sexual message. Okay, man, you know what I'm up to here. She will understand. These are very, very cheap shoes, in fact, you are a connoisseur of paintings and other objects, do people live in fear of your judgment? Do they tremble when your bright eyes approach? Maybe I remember one time I was invited to a New Year's Eve party in Australia and I knocked on the door and I heard a There was a lot of noise before they opened it and I walked in and there were no paintings on the wall, they're just pale rectangles where paintings had been and hooks and I realized that perhaps they had been removed for fear of looking kitschy. or something like that I was really embarrassed because it suggested I might have been a snob of some kind, which I'm actually not right, I certainly wouldn't be in this exhibition.

When I came out I opened the wrong cupboard and a flood of paintings of pretty Australian Landscapes and stuff like that, but they thought if they showed pictures of trees and sunsets I wouldn't care, in fact they're the sort of thing I really like. I don't like abstract images at all, so what do you paint? you are a painter yes I am a painter avatar in fact I wanted to be a painter I might as well do it again the paintings now fetch high prices no in fact even when I give them to people they say oh no please but they are quite good my I insist on painting pictures on vacation with picturesque lake scenes and I'm sure well these pictures are very pretty and but they don't look anything like the things I collect.

In fact, if an art dealer offered me one of my own paintings, I would never speak again. With him you are how you like museums, right? I especially like music. I think it's on record that you once said you'd like to be a museum assistant. I think so. When the show business collapses, I would like to be an assistant in a remote suburb and in a museum in a remote suburb of Brussels, a museum dedicated to the works of a forgotten Belgian artist, a museum that is not even mentioned in the guidebooks. I never visited the museum.

I just sit there and smoke again like that, you know what the Museum is like, and that would be a peaceful life. Do you have any secrets? Ambitions like that, Peter, no, no, Ambitions. I'm trying to think of a way to be. lazier than me in this very difficult time for you like zoos don't you want to be well? I have a good I like to go to zoos but I had a good time and I went to the Melbourne Zoo which is a beautiful zoo, very nice. In fact, it's a lot of space for the animals and I was drawn to the duck-pill platypus spot.

I had seen them before, but I thought it would be better to see them again. Dr. Bill Platterfield, there's a platypus at London Zoo. which gives a very bad impression of Australian platypuses, it embarrasses me, it's always an Australasian recipe, however, walked into this big platypus please, and there is a huge water tank and alarming signs on the wall saying that now you are entering the silent world. of the Platypus is completely silent because I understand they say that under no circumstances should they disturb the Peace of the Platypus now this huge water tank there are two old women looking at this tank one says that they are whispering very loudly to each other and they stayed looking at this tank there was nothing in the tank for about 10 minutes and, in fact, I was not my girlfriend, while about to think about this I say that their Masters of Disguise anyway the old ladies left and there is a sudden, heartbreaking Scream from the The platypus's assistant who came running through the door saying everyone was closing, what's up with the platypus piece?

Aren't they here? And he opened a trapdoor and pushed them with a stick into another tank and they went up and down twice as many times. That's enough, leave now, your job is too active, but I wouldn't mind supervising you or possibly taking care of koalas or the laziest creatures I've ever seen, they're actually a lot of fun to hold, okay, hold a koala, Yeah. A friend of mine did it too and they bit his nipple off. They thought it was a eucalyptus. Did they shoot the koala afterwards? No, they wouldn't be allowed. They shot him although they never healed.

The nipples never healed, but apparently you have to manage them. very carefully, they are also incontinent and, you know, it smells like eucalyptus, they are good for a cold, the platypus is not a loyal pet, very, very fickle if you have a bad cold and you get one to sit on your face. miracle, a miracle cure for marsupial sniffing, that's true, yes, well I'm sure the public will be dreaming about marsupial slime packs all night, but that's where we have to leave it, we're running out of time , so I have to say thank you very much, Barry Humphrey. and thank you very much Peter, we could keep talking, but we ran out of time for anything except a late night news flash.

Our editorial team has learned that MI5 has given 10 Downing Street a top secret report that suggests, through a careful interpretation of the photograph. evidence that the Arabs are finally running out of oil, thanks