The Worst Evil Henchman of All Time - Key & Peele

WELL, WELL, WELL... JACK, WELCOME. GET COMFORTABLE. YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOR A LONG TIME. - YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR WAY, DRAVIC. -THAT'S ALL, DAQUAN. LEAVE US. ♪ ♪ NOW, WHERE WERE THEN? - YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME, DRAVIC. THE MILITARY CODES WERE DESTROYED. - IS THAT SO? I think you're lying, Jack, and I'm about to call... your bluff. YOU SEE, JACK, I'M A PLAYER IN THIS GAME. BUT... I AM ALSO THE DISTRIBUTOR. I HAVE ALL THE CARDS. YOU SEE, JACK, IF I WAS ALL-IN, YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO COVER THE BET. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I WAS THINKING MAYBE I COULD BE YOUR TORTURE ASSISTANT OR SOMETHING.

SHE COULD BE IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AND BE THAT GUY WHO STANDS IN THE BACK ALL LIKE INTIMIDATING. AND THAT WAY... - GOOD, GOOD. OVER THERE, AND KEEP THE TRAP CLOSED. -YES, that's what... that's what she was thinking. - - ARE YOU TWO FINISHED WITH YOUR LADIES TALK? - OH! HE SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT. - YOU KNOW, JACK, IT'S VERY APPROPRIATE THAT YOU SAY THAT, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE A TALK. AND WHEN I SAY "WE", I MEAN JUST YOU AND ME. ARE YOU A CHESS PLAYER, JACK? - SURE. - THEN YOU ARE AWARE THAT EACH PIECE HAS A DIFFERENT FUNCTION.

YOU... WHILE YOU'RE JUST A PAWN, YOU SEE, JACK, I AM A QUEEN. I AM ALLOWED TO MOVE AROUND THE BOARD WITH IMPUNITY. WHAT HAPPENS TO THE LOLLIPOP? - Hey, man, I was thinking that maybe during your chess speech, you could suck on this lollipop, because then that shows him that you're so comfortable with torture that you just do something stupid like suck on a lollipop. DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING? - I NEED YOU TO GO THERE RIGHT NOW. I NEED YOU TO BE STILL. WELL? - OR NOT. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO "OR" INVOLVED. GO THERE. - WELL.

BUT YOU SHOULD NOT CALL YOURSELF QUEEN, BECAUSE WHERE I'M FROM, THAT MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN... - SHH. JACK... I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. I WANTED TO MAKE A PRESENTATION TO YOUR NEW BEST FRIEND. - I WILL NEVER SPEAK. - OH, THIS WILL MAKE YOU TALK, JACK. - PLUS, YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO STAB HIM AT THE FIRST FIRST. You could just stroke his cheek with the blade... something just real, like crazy. - I GOT IT. I HAVE IT. - IF YOU ARE NICE. - THAT'S WHAT I WAS PLANNED TO DO.

I'M SORRY. WHERE DO WE FIND YOU? - SHAQUAN'S COUSIN. - WHO IS SHAQUAN? - SHAQUÁN. - NO NO. I ASK YOU WHO IT IS. - THEY KICKED HIM INTO THE LAVA, AND HE CAME HERE. - WELL. THAT IS WONDERFUL. I NEED YOU TO GO THERE, AND I NEED YOU TO BE STILL, LIKE A STATUE. -AH YES YES. - NOW. LIKE, YOU NEED TO KEEP MOVING IN THAT DIRECTION from her. - NO. YES I'M FINE. - JACK... MILITARY CODES ARE NOT EVEN THE MAIN REASON WHY YOU'RE HERE. I WANTED THEM ALL FOR ME. She's back there like a real statue, right? - YES IT'S WEIRD. - GOD, DAMN.

Daquan, you don't have to stand like a real statue, not literally. I DIDN'T MEANT IT LITERALLY. - OH, EVERYTHING WELL. I thought it sounded stupid when you originally said that. - YES, IT WOULD BE STUPID FOR A PERSON TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. - SHOOT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW. I THOUGHT: "WHAT? THAT DOESN'T DO IT"... - Okay. JACK... TODAY YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE MOST EXQUISITE PAIN. I CAN OR I CAN'T-- - OH! I! WE HAVE PHOTOS OF HER GIRLFRIEND. - UH HUH. - THAT'S ALL. That's quite a bit of torture right there. You could show him pictures of his girlfriend and he will do what you say.

THERE IS. OH! DID YOU KNOW? EVEN BETTER: WE HAVE A CAGE. IT HAS A HOLE AT THE BOTTOM, SO YOU COULD PUT IT OVER HIS HEAD. AND THIS OTHER HOLE... YOU COULD PUT LIKE A RAT OR A SCORPION IN THERE. - THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THERE FOR, DAQUAN, okay? THAT'S WHAT'S THERE FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE. ALL THE IMPLEMENTS YOU ARE SEEING ON THE TABLE ARE THERE FOR A PARTICULAR REASON! - AND SO? - OH! DID YOU KNOW? DAQUAN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PARTICIPATE? - THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING FROM THE BEGINNING. I WAS THINKING... MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THE MILITARY CODES.