Chris Distefano: Size 38 Waist - Full Special

ass is the bomb, so that's what I feel disrespected because you don't see that you have bombs right here, but that's what you want, the turbine that I bought you, that's nice, listen, it was, you know it was. Great, but it's only after a while, it's like Jesus, always like it's a comical trip, you know, I go on a trip, you know, come home, be so excited to see everyone and she would take the brush out of my bag first to brush. From my bag I looked at each bristle for hairs as if she was having sex with girls and then asking them to comb their hair.

I mean, a little psycho, my Buffalo Bill The Silence of the Lambs comes on when you comb the house. You know, try having a conversation with my dad about that. I say, what am I supposed to do? Dad now she is taking the brush off my back. He goes over you, brushes, homo, damn, brushes and yogurts, you are a liability. like power bottom because that's what I loved, I swear, I love this city man, Brooklyn is cool, it gets all kinds of people, it's beautiful, you know what part of Brooklyn I come from, like no one travels, like no one Get off the block, you know. they're like oh Chris came to the intersection, yeah, but I travel, I have to see things with this job, you can go see things, but things like, I don't know much, like I know a lot, but I don't We don't learn as much as we would like to.

The news doesn't reach Brooklyn sometimes, like when I went to England and thought, oh, this will be great, this is where they invented English. I'll speak the language, uh, you know, I know the language. and it will be easy but wrong different words mean different things no one told me that the surname is not a surname when you get there they change the surname I didn't know that I arrive at the UK border and they say what is your surname I was like uh so Christopher this afternoon Brooklyn night you know who I am give me all your best meats and cheeses thank you that's what they do they change the th2 and F and then you're British thank you thank you brilliant they love that word there oh it's brilliant this is brilliant it's brilliant it's a great honor for a word in the US you can't just run up and say yes it's brilliant you know I'll be excited but there oh look at that homeless guy look at him petting a dead ferret it's not that brilliant.

I thought, isn't that heroin? I mean, like I'm on meth. I mean, he's petting a dead animal. It's legit in public, let's pick a new word and regroup. I mean, it's the complete opposite. because they are smart people, but that's not how it is, you know, they don't call it liquor, liquor, they call it spirits, no one told me that my friend told me: hey, you want to cover my place, come on, we have a lot of spirits, it's like yeah, I'm not going to your haunted house, okay, okay, Nigel, no thanks, let's just have a fig newton, yes, there are straps, you know, I went to Canada too.

I'm a patriotic guy, I believe in red, white and blue, it's like when I go to other countries, I don't want to do their thing, but Canada was insistent, they say, come on, you have to have a ginger ale, have a Canada Dry Ginger Ale, I said no, thanks Schweppes all day. That's what I do. I came to Pittsburgh, Canada. It was interesting. I was in Edmonton, Canada, and they have the largest population of Somalis outside of Somalia. They live in Edmonton, Canada. That is a fact. Then I went to their mall and in the middle of their mall they have this huge pirate ship Mike how do you have the Somalis and then you have the pirate ship don't be mad one of them jumps on the ship and says look at me I'm Your captain occasionally attacks the hm there were a lot of steps to that joke, okay I did it, yeah I mean I'm trying to link to the Somalis.

Captain Phillips reference. You didn't think I said salami, you said I could go get some for you. Good extra laugh. I appreciate it, thank you. you're like I want to see this laugh on camera Norway I went to Norway That was crazy I was going crazy Norway That really shouldn't blow my mind Like I should know No, but that's how it was I was sitting in a restaurant the waiter comes up and says: oh, would you like to have a reindeer? I was like a reindeer, it's a real animal, what do you mean reindeer?, you have reindeer flying around yes, I would, yes, I can eat dragon soup too, yes, I want to eat Narnia, yes, let's do it, elf farts dust, I sure will sir, yeah, so he had an attitude with me, this guy, can you believe it, I swear, he's right in front, he says, yeah, stupid, the American was like Sven, listen, take care of your mouth, okay, you're from Norway, I'm from the United States. just understand that we are back-to-back champions of the World War, don't forget it, it's okay, just don't forget it, don't forget it, yes, I will take the reindeer and bring them home, we are there free, okay, I will do it.

Reindeer are cool again. You want to make a little fist gesture, but I know you're going to say, "No, I'm in the wrong place, guys, whatever, you should know that we're in the story of everything and then we'll go to the story." or part of the story, the story is a lie, although like I went to the house of President George Washington, the first president of the United States, father of liberty, that's what they call them the father of liberty, they went to his house, they show you around Father Liberty's living room, here is the father of Liberty's kitchen and then this is the father of Liberty's slave barracks, they are as if Father Liberty had slaves.

I would never have voted for him over that life. Benjamin Franklin, that's who the first president should not have been a slave, was against it, yeah. just syphilis, that's what he had, that was, yeah, he was like I don't enslave people, I enslaved that, yeah, just a man, someone beating up the Skins everywhere in the 13 colonies, yeah, for that his face is on the hundred dollar bill, there was no debate about that they are like he had the hundo to get the punani in the name of America you earned it who the smartest man America had to offer could easily have invented a condom said no thanks Benny Frank keeps it wet how are you?

Blair Girl, you got lipstick, well, take it with good beer, buddy, it's good beer, are you a barista? Why do you look like this? So you have the face of a barista, no, but that's fine, but you work at uh, what do you work at at the Apple Store? what do you work in tech, yeah yeah that's the tech face, yeah you're cool, you live in the new Brooklyn, no why do you have a ponytail, are you in a band, why do you look like that, So I don't? You understand what you do. You work at a flea market startup.

You start good, you start, yeah, okay, where's the best acai bowl place? Yes, yes, you know, yes, yes, okay, you're a good boy. I like that they are together. Oh okay. you want to be, you know you don't, no, I'm sorry, the way I called you, buddy, at first, I didn't mean to assume your gender, I apologize, I apologize because I know I didn't, I apologize for using if I use. the wrong pronoun to offend you my bad shot I would love for someone to say that to my dad use the wrong pronoun but what is your pronoun how is that? like a noun in the NBA I don't remember the pronoun it's That's crazy dude I knew it I knew it listen we live in a good I knew straight white men were falling I knew about three four years ago I said uh oh time's up that's when started using Times Up I know that's why I have a Puerto Rican daughter I did it It's for my career, oh yeah, any time someone says, what do you have to say, a straight white man.

I'm like, did you meet Julissa? Okay guys, have a good night. Thank you so much. It was fun. It was fun. Yes, thanks. See you, see you outside, see you outside, thank you guys, have fun, thank you, thank you.