USE THIS 90-Second Trick To MASTER YOUR MIND & Emotions! | Dr. Joan Rosenberg & Lewis Howes

We have

this

idea that the purpose of talking is actually to get what we want, you know, I want the ice cream now, whatever it is, it doesn't matter what it is, what I realized is that that's not the benefit of talking's true purpose. to speak I think you have to have a dream, the school of greatness, really, yes, please, welcome, why do people run away from their

emotions

?, why do they hide or react with their

emotions

instead of Learn to be curious? over them and dominate them, why do you think

this

is so? Yeah, I would say two things right off the bat, one is their earlier life, their early life experiences, so it depends on the type of experiences they had growing up and the type of things.

They learned by being in those situations, so if they experienced a family where feelings were closed off, if they experienced a home environment where it was explosive or angry or there was trauma or abuse or chaos, all those kinds of things lead people to start behaving better. . in a way in response to what they are experiencing, but I feel like that's the 98th of the world, no one has exactly the perfect childhood or there may be little traumas that accumulate, maybe they weren't such explosive parents but they neglected or They said some comments that they were left out okay and that maybe they were seen as negative, like neglect or abandonment, and it wasn't even that bad of a childhood, but it still connects with people, in fact, they're right, absolutely, absolutely, so that's something like that.

One part of this, but the only part I really talk about more than our previous life experience is that the way we experience feelings is actually part of the reason why I think people close themselves off from feeling the way we experience feelings. How do most people experience feelings? Most of us come to know what we experience through bodily sensations, through how it feels, how it literally feels in our body, it's vibrating, it's numb, it's tight, it feels heavy, yeah right, so think disappointment or sadness and for many. It's not for everyone, but for a lot of people it's an experience like in the chest and then this heaviness and it's like an experience of helplessness that maybe feels like a punch in the stomach or something else, anger where it's like fury through a wave through

your

body furious through

your

body and you can't stop the feeling or the shame where you can see the redness, I feel the heat, um, what I came to understand is that it's not that we didn't want to feel the full range.

What we feel is that we didn't want to feel the body sensation that helped us know what we feel, why we don't want to feel the body sensation because it's painful and uncomfortable, yes, and we can't take care of it. "We're not in control, we're not in control, we're not in control, what we feel, we're not in control of what we feel and not until it's in our consciousness, not until we say, oh, wait." You know, I can feel the heat on my face, oh, I'm embarrassed, so that's the point where I can go, oh, I can take a deep breath and calm this down, so when we are, it's in our unconscious. awareness that we can tamp it down or that's when we can regulate it so that we don't want to feel the sensations in our body when we have the emotion of sadness, anger or disappointment, true, true, shame, true, we don't do it. we want to feel the pain in the body correctly why we don't want to feel the pain why we resist it because it's just uncomfortable or it's mainly that's mainly what I look at I think it's uncomfortable it's disturbing it's unpleasant it's something right right it's not fun, not fun, so where pleasurable emotions are literally experienced in a great way in our body, so we approach them and we want to get away from things that are uncomfortable, okay, so what do people usually do in that situation where you feel like the pain is disconnecting or distracting, I mean, and that list is pretty endless, that's where the addiction comes, the numbing sensations, the distractions, absolutely everything well, so it could be screens in any form, social networks, TV, etc., etc.

It could be substance use, so it could be food, it could be sex, it could be a workaholic, you know, being a workaholic, exactly anything that avoids it, avoids the right feelings, but it's like we look for the feelings. positive, but we avoid them. Painful feelings are okay, but what do painful feelings tell us? What is he telling us while others have said it? They are really your information and the way I see all of our feelings as being pleasant or unpleasant. is information for us, especially for the unpleasant ones, um, but it would also be true for the pleasant ones, is that we can make use of those feelings, once we are aware of them, we can make use of those feelings to make correct decisions to express ourselves or take. action and so part of this is also understanding that our feelings are there, they can be there for a purpose and to help us evolve and grow and they can be used for specific things.

I think Susan David said that these feelings and emotions are data, not direction, right, this is not something we should react to with the direction we should have, this is data, this is information, how to respond based on this information, right , yes, no, how do I quickly react or quickly numb the feeling, but what is it? what is missing within me is having this right feeling and how can we process this in a healthy way, so it seems that so many people in the world, including myself, for many years made decisions based on avoiding pain and numbing it and not wanting facing pain, what happens when we face it, I think we would become more complete, more complete and authentic human beings, yes, and as a result, again, you talk a lot about becoming our best selves, so then we will be more authentic. , more genuine and More of us are available to relate or more of us are available to pursue whatever it is that we want to pursue in life, so, when we allow ourselves to experience the fullness, the full range of what we experience, then all of us We are available for anything we want to do in life, whether it's self-exploration, whether it's building a relationship or whether I have this big dream and goal and I'm going to use it in the pursuit of that right. people in the world, what percentage do you think are not complete in terms of not being able to deal with their emotions in a healthy way?

How many people do you think are struggling with this? In percentage terms, what do you think? 50 80 I would probably be inclined to at least put it at 70 or 80 of the world is not willing to face it is hot it is high it is high yes, we would not see the level of addiction if that were not true in any way correct and we would not see the level of control, we wouldn't see the right level of violence because why would you need to be angry and react and cause war and fight and hit people? There's no reason for it, you wouldn't need it. a scream no if you were whole yes of course yes because you could handle the conflict in a more peaceful way exactly exactly and not in a reactive way not based on this pain it hurts me let me react and let me let me splash it all on you right or throw it on you, I mean, yes, disowning it and more people disowning their experience or revising their experience and as a result that's where the pain happens for others, what do you mean by disowning, not taking responsibility? or not acknowledging it and not taking responsibility, so let's say I'm really angry about it, so no, I'm disappointed about something, but the only way I allow it to pass through me is through anger, right? ?, which is what a lot of people do, I usually mean the way I grew up.

I felt like, as a man, growing up, you couldn't express yourself without that. I mean, it was anger or you didn't say anything that you knew there was. I had the ability to be sad or vulnerable or, you know, tap into a different element of an emotion, it was like being angry or angry or stoic and not saying anything right, that was what I felt like I could express. Which created more anger inside me because I couldn't express myself properly. A right reign and for me that is also another way of disconnecting and distracting myself, that you allow only a flaw with some instead of having the full range of what you are experiencing and expressing. that whole range, so if you were disappointed and it turned into anger now you're using a default feeling and that's the only way you show it to another person and that's to repudiate what you're experiencing, so you think about this again. . it's just your opinion 70+ could be, you know, out of touch in the world of their emotions, so now you're inviting me to be a guest, so yeah, yeah, you're spot on, but based on your experience with the people you work with . and what you see happening in the world and I think that's a good assumption.

I'd probably say the same thing. How easy is it for people to reach a place of wholeness? Is it really a challenge if it takes years or is it possible? For them to recover and

master

their emotions faster, I don't think it will take them years. I think the deeper you want to go towards a much deeper understanding of yourself, then that could be a journey that takes years, but if you want to be able to manage your emotional state and have greater access to the full range of what you feel and then being able to use it in everyday experiences, that's something that actually, I would say would happen faster than people would realize, yeah.

They work with thousands of people on this, how fast can it be, what is it, so the beauty of and we're talking briefly before, but one of the things that I've recognized is the way that I've approached some of this. material. around feelings is that once you have the knowledge, once you have the concept or the idea or the awareness, you can experiment with it immediately and what I have found especially with this idea of ​​experiencing feelings instead of disconnecting from them even in the The first experimentation of this, so let's say I've been someone who's like I've checked it out for a long time and then everything's fine.

I'm going to try this well. I'll be curious to try it. That and what I do, what starts to end up happening is that there is a natural organic elevation and a greater sense that you are more true to yourself because you own the full range of your real experience instead of dismissing it. or trying to disconnect from it, why are people so afraid to express their emotions? Why is it fear of what other people are going to say about them? Is it shame? Yes, it's shameful. I do not bring it. I bring it back. Speak. about one's difficulty with eight unpleasant feelings, okay, okay, so the focus of this work is on our difficulty in experiencing and expressing eight unpleasant feelings, okay, then the feelings are sadness, shame, helplessness, anger with vulnerability, shame, disappointment and frustration, yes, then your feelings are He says that some of them are a little combined with thinking, but what I discovered is that, as much as our thinking can get in the way and cause us to walk away from many things that are important to us, I actually found that our difficulty experiencing and expressing these feelings was actually more of an obstacle and more of an obstacle.

Well, so for me these eight became really central and again most people feel like the anxiety is not there or the fear is not there, they are not there for For me there are important reasons, the reason why I chose these eight and again it was over time, there were five and there were seven and finally I reached eight and the reason for this is because they are the most common everyday spontaneous reactions when things do not go the way we want or how we think they should go and, therefore So much so, it is the everyday nature of these feelings, on a given day, a given week, a given month, that you are going to go through a variety of these feelings.

Well, then it's their daily life. Okay, so if I answer your question, why is it so difficult for people to express themselves or speak for me? It goes back to these eight feelings, it's not about how someone is going to respond. I'm not saying it directly, but if you stop to think about it, difficulty speaking is not a problem with speaking, what is it? It's a difficulty with a problem with unpleasant feelings, so people lack the ability to talk to whom and whoever about what exactly is the right thing to do. no matter who no matter what it can be as simple as an exchange at a retail store, I feel uncomfortable with that, oh, this is, you know, I bought this but I need to return it, but I feel uncomfortable returning it. certain or a restaurant or exactly it could be a close friend who just fell apart you could be telling them how you feel about knowing the situation I feel disappointed I feel depressed or whatever it could be right and the same is true for an intimate partner or a boss, it doesn't matter who and what happens when we don't talk about how we feel.

I think the effect is really profound. I don'tbelieve. There are a couple of different things here, Lewis, this is huge for me. because if you let me wander on this, do it, so again the first thing you need to understand is that slurred speech is actually not a speech problem, it's a slur. with an unpleasant feelings problem, then the reason why I don't speak first it's because I'm not willing to deal with my own unpleasant feelings because you know there will be an unpleasant feeling when speaking correctly so you don't want to do it. I don't want to address it properly, so let's just say I'm disappointed and I don't want to have to tell you that something happened in some exchange between us where I'm disappointed.

I don't like the experience of myself. I don't like. do it, but to be able to talk to you about it, which is actually going to remove the obstacle between us because if I don't talk now there is a distance, there is a barrier, right, so I have to do it in order if I want that barrier to disappear and I want us to stay close. I have to deal with that and if I think that way, then to have a conversation I don't just have to deal with the discomfort of my own emotional discomfort. deal with the discomfort of your emotional discomfort.

I could have told you or frustrated you or disappointed you or whatever you get angry in response, whatever it is, now I have to deal with your eight unpleasant feelings, oh man, simultaneously with my eight unpleasant feelings. and as a result it's like I'm going to back off, so the reason we don't talk is because we don't want to deal with the unpleasant feelings that are involved, no matter what, with ourselves and with each other, with each other and That's true, let's go down the positive path. I want to tell you how much I like you or admire you or want to be close to you or love you mm-hmm that will imply vulnerability and could be disappointment because you might look.

Come back to me and leave. I don't feel the same right, so you will be disappointed if you don't get the answer, so put yourself out there in a positive way and express emotionally that you will still be disappointed. one unpleasant feeling is correct, so the uncomfortable expression or the positive expression could still respond with eight unpleasant feelings, so in order to speak comfortably you must be willing to accept that the experience of unpleasant feelings can be part of that journey. I feel like people should use this as an experiment and say, okay, what are the things that I haven't said that lead to the people closest to my life or acquaintances, maybe, and allow myself to say the things maybe in the uh ?

You don't know how to have pleasant conversations and also pleasant conversations and see how it feels and see what opens up in the response space correctly and how I can handle the pleasant and unpleasant feelings afterwards, true, but most people are afraid of to say that I care I love you or this is what you mean to me because they are not sure what they are going to get in response and you disappointed me. I was disappointed when you let me down. Know? Can we create an agreement in the future? or something like that, right, some people just don't talk at all, is what you're saying exactly, but here are again a couple of interesting things about this.

First, my warning about speaking is that it should be positive, kind, and good. -intentional conscious conscious but the two most important positive type type of well-intentioned and well-intentioned I love that you say this John positive, so if I'm going to encourage you to talk or you want people to experiment with it Then this isn't what this is about , that's how you made me think, yeah, yeah, yeah exactly, so it's not about that, you know, I love that you said this because I was telling you beforehand off camera that I've been doing this, you know? Therapy and training almost every two weeks for the last two years, it's been almost two years and with my girlfriend Martha, when I started the relationship, I said, listen, I always wanted to start therapy in a relationship, you know, after a few months. of us dating I told him I've always wanted to try it together, not because there's a problem but because I want to do great and I want to make sure we're on the same page, that we have agreements, and I told him from the beginning that Wow, there was no reason why which I would ever get mad at you for nothing, um, based on you know we have our agreements and stuff like that, but there's no reason you can live your life fully and I won't get mad at you.

I won't like to wait. on your part I'm not going to get mad at you because we have a certain standard in our agreements and I said the only reason I'll get mad is just one thing they told me the story many times I go there's only one thing to do It bothers me if you come to me with an attack and you don't do it from a conscious point of view. If I disappoint you, if I can talk about whatever you want, you can come to me with anything, but it has to be done. be a conscious conversation, come from a loving, kind, you said, positive, kind and well-intentioned place, know that I am not intentionally trying to hurt you, know that my intention in this relationship is good, if I do something stupid, then can you let me know. in a positive, kind, well-intentioned way and I'm going to receive it, but if you come to me with anger or resentment, expectation of aggression, I'm going to be defensive, I'm going to say: what are you doing right now?

You are not being conscious right now, I cannot receive your information, so I will never come to you that way, do not come to me that way and that is why doing therapy together I think allows us to maintain a peaceful environment. of growth, so I'm really glad you said this because it doesn't talk, let me tell you how I really feel and just dump my emotions on you, right, you can't create a bond, no, no, or a bridge that way, exactly. the right people. I'm just going to be defensive, right, it breaks security, but why are there so many people?

Why do so many people struggle to consciously talk about the way we talk about positive, well-intentioned moments? Say bad things to the other person, well again, that's going to go into a lot of other dynamics, but think of it as the first thing that's uncomfortable for me, yeah, so I'll make you feel it instead of me feeling it, yeah, you did it. I feel like this, right, or and it's this feeling that you made me, which is also a wrong way of thinking, it's a victim mentality exactly exactly, so then I'm just going to be an aggressive response or I'm going to attack you to make you feel what I'm experiencing. instead of telling you because somehow the information is not coming, so now I'm going to amplify it, I'm going to intensify it, listen to me carefully, but that's That's a completely different story that we can, we can go too, but that's part of this, it's uh, I don't want to experience it, so I'm going to make you experience it and what happens when someone does it.

That one day, but well, the bond is broken just like that and there is no security and now if you are doing it to me I will leave because I don't feel safe and I will disconnect. I'm going to put a guard on the wall. I'm going to have to talk to you well or I'm going to come back to you and be aggressive, whatever it is, there is no intimacy, so correct that you lose the bond, you lose the bond and for me it is not only talking about what is said, but also about how it is expressed and most people in a relationship don't do those two things, they do one and get lost in the details, but they don't do the

second

, which is Talk about how it was delivered, as if you were putting your eyes on white.

Downside language, yes, energy tone, all that, but sometimes that's where the real violation is, so it's not necessarily what you say, but how you say it, think of it as both. Yes, of course, you have to be careful when saying it. You can't say you're a horrible person in a loving way. True, you can't say you're a bad person. I really hate you, you know, I smile, yeah. you have to know what is the best way to talk to your intimate partner or someone intimate in your life, a friend or an intimate partner, what is the best way to talk if you feel hurt, disappointed by what someone did or did.

If I don't do it right, the first thing is that for me, I actually talk about it in the book and I call it a preemptive offer. So what I want people to do or I want to encourage people to do is think about whatever the obstacle to speaking is, um, so let's say I think you're going to laugh at me, so the first thing I do is say, you know what Louis, I really want to talk to you about something that my biggest concern is when if. I mention it to you, you're going to laugh at me, well if I tell you that, the typical attraction for The Listener is to leave, no I won't, yes, yes, I'll listen to you, let me, yes, let me hear it. so now I have your attention, so it's like sharing the worry or fear from the beginning with the person, so because it's because I want to break the obstacle to the conversation, yeah, right, again, talking doesn't give you license to be. malicious, so it's coming from a kind and well-intentioned place, so the reason I come to you is because you know what I feel, I'm being a little distant from you and that's not what I want. so we're close so I really want to talk to you about Acts and when I saw people face to face I used to hold a pillow so if I can borrow the book for a moment yeah um what I used to do.

I think of this as the pillow and we have something to deal with or I want and I want to talk to you about my disappointment or whatever. I would do this, uh-huh, it's like there's no connection. If the obstacle is there, right, if I haven't talked to you mm-hmm, it's just an obstacle, right, but the moment I say okay, I want to talk to you about this thing that's getting in the way, what's my disappointment or my concern. You're going to laugh at me or whatever, now the obstacle has been removed and we can be close again.

Yes, so it is very important to be able to talk in a relationship because it allows the bonds of intimacy and the depth of that connection to come together. grow, a lot of people don't believe the preventive offer first, they just download correctly and they don't do it in a positive or well-intentioned way, right, they do it in a frustrated, hurt, malicious way, right, yeah, right, I don't want to. to feel one of these eight unpleasant feelings I want to unload it on you I'm not going to be conscious in the way I communicate I just don't like what happened so here you go, take it well, you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you, yeah, right, and that doesn't make any good, no, no, nothing good comes out of it, no, and here's the other thing for me about talking, talking, there's again, there's a variety of wonderful things that happen.

I really believe that our ability to speak with ease in life to say what we want to say we want to say all those kinds of things in a timely manner with the caveat of being kind and well-intentioned to be able to speak with ease is actually the super glue. of trust. That is, if we don't speak, we feel safe in different ways and we can experience our feelings well, but we don't have that extra layer of speaking easily. In any situation that we need, I don't think it is actually, we feel that kind of unshakeable experience in ourselves, so what I discovered is that we have this idea that the purpose of speaking is actually to get what we want or in this case, it could be stopping something, setting a limit, setting a limit, whatever it is, or it's literally getting something, you know, I want the ice cream now, whatever it is, it doesn't matter what it is, and then whatever What occurred to me is that that is not the benefit of speaking clearly to get what we want, it is the benefit of speaking clearly the true purpose of speaking clearly is to make us grow and I think that when we discover that we have our voice is when we start to feel that really deep strength with confidence, yes, confidence and strength within us, okay, those are two things that I want to discuss here, one of them, the first one is the ability to speak it and practice it, take ownership of it and be able to sit with the feelings and be comfortable with the Uncomfortable feelings, right?

It's like learning to

master

sitting with sadness sitting with you know vulnerability anger helplessness all these different things shame and not letting it consume us but feeling it and letting it flow pass through us okay yes and being okay with it okay, I have an uncomfortable conversation today so I feel but I'm alive I'm fine everything is fine now we actually come together stronger now it's fine great I can get through it I feel good and I practice that consistently so that's something I want to talk about and then the

second

thing about The one I want to talk about is if it is possible to simply not let things affect us and not need to talk because we are very good with ourselves and we know that people are people and people do what they do and say. what they say and they are in their own things and their traumas and it's okay, I'm not going to take it personally, I process it and I don't need to talk maybe I can maybe I don't need to and I'm going to be okay because I'm living an intentional life. , it's two things: practicing being uncomfortable or being comfortable with uncomfortable feelings and practicing talking consistently and getting through it and then also saying do I need to play this game, no.

I play but I need to play in that space or I don't like what happened there but I'm fine I'm safe I'm here for me like life is good that's complete it hascertain complexity that's the second one that's the first one it's obvious because we're going to practice, yeah, and then we're going to practice, the more we practice that way, the healthier we actually will be, yeah, but this with the The second one is like, well, I don't need do it. I actually feel good. I'm not taking it personally. That kind of idea, to a certain extent, I would say works and is probably fine, yes, but there is another element. where I've seen people respond that way where that's their way out yeah those are their spiritual bypasses exactly that's their way of not dealing like it's okay everything is okay but in reality you haven't processed exactly right so to use your words one is a spiritual bypass, the second is that it doesn't actually allow you to grow or the other person to grow, that's true because then maybe they just keep letting you down or they're not keeping their word and you just let it go every time, right ? and you're being affected and it's damaging the relationship, so now you're pulling away because the person is continuing to do well what he's doing, or he's out of integrity, or he's letting you down or whatever.

Right now you're not getting the growth, the other person isn't getting the growth that they can, and the relationship isn't growing, so it becomes really important to me that people are really cool and go with you. I know, I need to say something and most people will back off because they don't want to deal with the discomfort, yeah, interesting, so they do the spiritual bypass instead of going, you know what's important to me and once again to understand. The purpose of speaking is not necessarily to get things totally right, it is to grow yourself, yes, it is to try to get what you want, I guess the end result, but it is more, to grow yourself and, with luck, make the other person grow and create a deeper relationship.

How often do you talk in your life in my life? Yeah, um, once I realized this, it changed my behavior, so it really, yeah, it did, it did, um and in both directions, oh man, I'll tell you you know yeah. I look back five years, ten years, whatever it is. I'm a very different person now in terms of my willingness to lean into the discomfort and go there because I know how much better it gets and again I lean into it. from a kind and well-intentioned place, yeah, so there's no effort to hurt, it's just that I want to make what's going on better, you know, I've had, I've had situations that don't work out, yeah, so I have to deal with my disappointment , TRUE?

It doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel good, but the same thing for me is that again a party is about the mantras that we live, so one of mine is that I am going to learn from every life experience that is part of the intention or I'm going to see how far I can also stretch some of the you know, so okay, so this is part of this and then for me it's like how can I grow from this experience? So for you, back to your previous point, it's living in a conscious way and the other part is making sure people know that I care about them, so I've become much more expressive about love and much more intentional. about making sure I convey my affection, my deep affection, my love, whatever it is, if you hadn't communicated those things to me in the past, when I was much younger, I would say I wasn't so good about it, it was really an evolution . and I was probably better at describing the loving feelings that I had or expressing those um and then over time and also working with the work that I was doing it was like I had to get better at this interesting and the other part was I really found that when I combined the two , being kind and well-intentioned, I could usually talk about things that normally would have been much harder for me to talk about, so I got money, it became a lot easier, so when did this really start to change? when you started implementing this strategy of speaking more frequently was five years ago 10 years ago two years ago no no, well that's a good question, so part of it was professional, which to me is kind of funny because in my role As a psychologist, I often tell people things they don't want to hear, yeah right, so I had to learn to get that message across early, so this work in its earliest form started probably 25 years ago. wow ago or a little bit longer and I would say the evolution was it was probably a much softer start uh 25 or 30 years ago, but as time went on, you know, I would easily say 15 or 20 years, okay, great, yes, how long did it take? so that you feel good about these constant awkward conversations until you feel like I can now speak almost automatically without having to wait weeks to think about what I'm going to say or how I'm going to say it. number of years that's probably been 10 to 15 years, really yeah, okay, and what's available to people on the other side, like what's been available to you after you started implementing this, you know what.

Which I think, actually the benefits are profound, what ends up happening. Do you become more congruent and that to me is where the magic of emotional strength and confidence is? So if we're talking about congruence, I usually include about eight things here, but the first four of them, or I would say singularly, the most important, and that's it. that our thoughts, our feelings are words and our actions match, yes, so the first benefit or set of benefits is that you start to have the experience that you have that kind of inner strength and confidence, so you become more confident when you are Congruent, right? right and what are the other four oh another place here now no, I'm in the place um one two of them have to do with us owning our past history, our attitudes and beliefs and our values, so this is how I put attitudes and beliefs together and our values ​​like the sixth, our past history and then the last one is our vision of what we want for the future, they all align and what's really interesting here, Lewis, is that if they don't align , many times we feel anxious. and then part of it goes well I'm anxious so what's out of alignment mm-hmm one of these four things well well no or one of the eight I'm not telling the truth about my past I don't own what's true for me to the future I want for the future or I'm feeling something and I'm not saying it or I'm believing something and it is and but I'm acting out of integrity with my correct belief or I'm saying my value is this, but I'm not being that value, very interesting for you You can if I say I want this in the future.

I want to be healthy, but I eat bad food every day, so I'm out of alignment. true and then I start to feel anxious true or overwhelmed or stressed something or something true something is wrong something is wrong because you are not a complete person in congruence with thoughts feelings words actions that match attitudes and beliefs values ​​past history and vision of the future what is history past Howard, can you align yourself with past history? Is it just about addressing and facing past history and dealing with it rather than distancing yourself and acting numbingly and acting as the right hand of the passage?

I didn't have what happens when we don't deal well with the past again, we start showing up in ways that aren't very effective with other people, we don't show up in ways that are necessarily good for us, so I might go back to drinking a lot. I could be using. food, I could be wearing sacks, right, it doesn't matter what it is, but I start checking, that's what happens when I don't deal with my past, then I check in a few ways, right, and no, and again. It's not the past, it's not everything, but it contributes, yes, so we just have to recognize that it contributes in some way to who we are in the present, but it doesn't have to be what really defines our future, how?

Someone develops a set of beliefs and values ​​that will sustain their life. What if they don't know what their values ​​are? How do they create them? An easy starting point is to look at the people you admire and say: What do I admire? this person, what kind of life they have, what I respect, like and right, and then I pull out some of those values, it's like, how did they get there? I mean, you know, go read stories, read biographies and learn all their mistakes and don't do exactly that, look, but don't just learn their mistakes and don't do it, but learn and learn what they had to go through on the journey. to get to where they evolved correctly.

So if the first place is to look outside to see the people who were doing what you want to do and being the way you think you want to be and then you look inside and basically ask the question: Who do I want, who do I want to be, Who do I want to be, how? Do I want to appear? Yes and then you practice and then your words and actions match your values. They match exactly the vision you have for your future self. What is the best way to approach past history? What if someone has gone through a crazy past story? and they had a lot of different challenges at home and in relationships and abuse or neglect or just, you know, bullying, how does someone deal with that amount of pain or trauma?

You know, there's something I call that whole area, um, like disguised grief, so I'm going To give you a couple of ways to think about disguised grief, one has to do with the words that we use, okay, so if you I say: I'm bitter, I'm angry, I have this long-standing anger, I'm resentful. hold grudges I'm a pessimist cynical sarcastic against this pain at any word that's jealousy okay jealous envious all that kind of thing for me all that's underneath is pain pain of how good again I'm going to take you to the second second layer of es so sorry for something I'm missing sad for something I hope sorry for something I want and when I talk about sorry I'm putting at least four of those eight feelings in the mix, so For me, again, I don't know if people necessarily talks about pain and analyzes it, but when I think about pain, I think of sadness, helplessness, anger and disappointment as something that comprises, at the very least, pain and can be singular responses, so it may be sad about something, even though I'm grieving, I might be angry about something, well, to a certain extent, there is pain, so you can think of them individually, you can think of them collectively and the easiest way to remember them is that instead of be sad, I'm Shad Shad, right, sad, helpless, angry or disappointed, okay, disappointed, so underneath everything I call signal words of pain is pain, and what is pain again, is thinking about it again like the emotional response, it's okay for some. situation or what you are missing or you are upset or missed or jealous or frustrated for not having or something like that so how do we eliminate the pain?

So how do we process it? We didn't eliminate it well. So again if I may, if I could take a step above the other way of thinking about grief and this is your point about our life experiences, is that almost all of us have gone through experiences where we gained something. that we didn't get. We don't deserve it, so think of that as a bad thing, then it's chaos, it's abuse or we deserve something we don't get, so that's the good thing, then the praise was missing, the support was missing, people didn't show up for the exams. events you know. performances, whatever it is or a great job in the progress that you are making, so that's it, yes, yes, all that is missing, it is the mourning for what never was, so think about the facts and circumstances of your first years of life and that thought is also from the point of view of missed opportunities, this could have happened, that was my life experience, also pain for what is not now, so you may not be exactly where you want be, so there is pain for that and then there is pain for what may never be. a lot of pain, it's a lot of pain, but that really takes us back to our life experiences and for me there really is a way to get through all of that, how do we do it?

The most important thing I can express in one sentence. Remember here you want to be able to understand the impact and meaning that the difficult life experience or experiences had for you and the key here is over time, yes, so again the question is who did I become because I went through that. Yes, why don't many people think that way? Instead, they hold on to the resentment of what happened to them instead of saying what the meaning and impact this has had on my life over time. I think they think right somehow. They may not want to do the right work because to make sense of it you have to go back to the pain.

Yeah, so I'll act like it didn't happen and leave it. away, it's in the past, it's nothing, except you're still, you know, becoming reactive, oh man, right, very reactive because you dealt with whatever is happening in the past, yeah, so that would be one of the reasons and why people avoid it, I think. people don't really understand that there is a road map, aha, there really is what the road map is, well, part of the first thing is recognizing that one is to go, okay, I have this set of stories or this set of experiences. of life that shaped me well and in the book I'm talking about I give people a process to follow, let me choose just one, noIt will constantly give you more freedom.

Absolutely true. Oh my gosh, this is fascinating. Is there something else here that I'm missing? At the end of this process, this forges the new image. of who you want to be, so at that point, it really is, so it's starting to take action to get into those images, it's going back to the eight, um, kind of like things that will help you create congruence to live that idea. It's like God's feelings, words, actions and just living consistently in that right right and what values ​​I want to embody what attitudes I want to keep right and then what actions I will take, you know, for example, there was a time in my life where I didn't No I consider myself very generous um and I was like, you know what I want, I actually want to embody that more, yeah, so I would think about it on a daily basis or not, maybe not, because constantly, what do I have to do to allow myself? embody that even more, for example, if I was traveling, then I became more generous in doing those kinds of things or I became more generous in my praise, yeah, or I became more generous in giving my time correctly, so there are all kinds of ways to be generous generous in terms of sharing knowledge there are many ways to do it so again you can choose a value you can choose an attitude you can choose a belief that you want to hold or embody and then you start taking the actions that support that, again, that is the congruence piece because I think a lot of people I love everything you say here because acting consistently is my motto, it's like the reason I've gotten to where I am is because I've had a couple of things, one of them a significant mission.

I am clear about the vision I have for my future and I want to bring it closer to now to know where I want to be. I don't think much about people having a meaningful mission, they're not 100 clear about what they want, why they want it, which is more than just for their needs and desires, but also to contribute, and I think without a meaningful mission, it's like If you were reacting to life, you know you're just doing what you're told or you're reacting, you're just not creating your life correctly, so I think it's about acting consistently towards the meaningful Mission and I think most of people too. they're not taking consistent action, you know sometimes they'll take action and then they're out of integrity because they're not consistent or sometimes they're generous but not consistent, so again you're not consistent, which causes stress and anxiety. when you are out of alignment, then all these things, I mean, this is not for the faint of heart, I guess this is for people who want a rich and full life and who are willing to go through constant uncomfortable feelings until they become more comfortable until it becomes more natural because you've practiced it, but it's hard to get to your point in the first place, you have to do it, you have to go, that's important to me, I want that, let me. make the decision to do that and then it's with the understanding that you're going to be uncomfortable for a while, it took the right amount of time and what's interesting to me here, Lewis, is that I really consider our capacity. or the ability to experience feelings and express feelings, so communication as skills, huge skills, so they're not, it's not that we should be able to do it because we have a brain and we can talk, oh no, that's right, it's developing a skill, No.

It's skill-based, yes, so we improve through practice. That's why great leaders are great leaders because they have learned to develop these emotional skills. Their EQ is often very skilled because they have practiced for decades on how to have difficult and meaningful conversations that are also difficult. uplifting and advanced, you know they create forward momentum, they don't create a barrier, that's why leaders can build businesses or create movements or whatever, because they have the ability to speak correctly and consistently, so which Is this method 90 seconds? So I I mean the whole book is 90 seconds to live a life you love, right, you created like that, Rosenberg, reset, right, right, what did a friend of mine call it?

Okay, okay, landed safely. I said, thank you very much, I'll use it, yeah, so what? It's 90 seconds, so right, so the idea of ​​the book now is 90 seconds to a life you love. Think of it as a kind of method and a kind of secret sauce for leaning into unpleasant feelings, but I'll tell you. you that the subtitle of the book is where all the magic is, yes and the subtitle is how to master your difficult feelings to cultivate lasting confidence, resilience and authenticity, so the magic is in the eight feelings and therefore, but the Rosenberg .

Rebooting is thinking of it as a formula for leaning in, so that's one option, eight feelings, 90 seconds, that's the formula, so the only option is awareness instead of avoidance. Okay, so we've talked about avoiding, you know, substance use blocks sex, porn, food, right? the list goes on, harsh self-criticism to me is a distraction, yes, anxiety is a distraction, you know, making geographical moves is a distraction, having feelings about having feelings is a distraction, right?, anything besides being

mind

ful of it at the right time, exactly. So my invitation is for people to become aware and in touch with as much of their moment-to-moment experience as possible.

That's what I ask people to lean on is being aware of the present moment. your experience in the present moment is okay, instead of avoiding the eight feelings that we've talked about, so, briefly, they are sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, vulnerability, shame, disappointment and frustration, shame, disappointment and frustration, and then the 90 second piece is really specific. leaning forward and again we have talked about aspects of it, but if I do it in sequence, the first thing is to understand that we are an interconnected whole, I mean, obvious to many, but the truth is that our brain is always feeding information to our body our body is always feeding information to our brain we are an interconnected whole we are not separate but we are trained to be separate we cut ourselves off from the feeling when we separate from our body true, we stay in our analytical thinking, it is a repulsive feeling, true, which is where people will often describe what the subconscious

mind

is, so that's the first thing we need to understand, the second thing we mentioned, I mentioned, which is what most of us come to know. what we feel emotionally through bodily sensations, so again, why is it important?

What I realized was that it's not that we don't want to fill the full range of what we feel, but that we don't want to feel the body sensation correctly. That helps us know what we feel. There's also a great story for me about this, which if you're interested I'll come back to, but the third part is the idea of ​​90 seconds and it's not my 90 seconds. Dr. Joe Bolte Taylor, she wrote a book called My Stroke of Insight, she was the first one that Ted talked about very early on, yeah, she's like a brain neuroscientist. I came out of that stroke, wow, but she had a capacity for consciousness and she put it into practice and what she realized was her observation that when a feeling is triggered, there is an avalanche of biochemicals in our bloodstream. that activate the body sensations that we're talking about and those same biochemicals leave the bloodstream in about an upper limit of 90 seconds, so you may have this embarrassment about this redness or any rash sensation that appears on your skin due to a situation, right?

Does that come through the brain? first it comes through the mind which connects to the brain and then it flows through the nervous system, it can go in both directions, so it is what people call bottom up and top down process, so it could be that the body acts on the brain correctly because the The body keeps the correct punctuation and then or it could be like I see something I think something and then I feel so right Interesting that it can go both ways and what I hear you saying is that it takes about 90 seconds to go well if you are able to recognize it and continue and stay present again and again, how do you stay? breathing is correct breathing is the key you can really think about so I like to talk about it from the point of view of walking the coast and the ocean waves come and go from the coast, it's like they come up, it doesn't matter the degree of the tumult, sure, they can be tumultuous waves, they can be medium or moderate waves and then they can actually be light waves, but no matter what they come off the shore, they seem to hang for a moment and then disappear.

Let's think about the same process happening in terms of these waves of bodily sensations, so we're not talking about a single wave. We're talking about one or more waves, so the notion is that you want to be able to ride one or more waves of short-lived body sensations to stay present in the sensation, the challenge is if you are, so if you do. Resist the sensation so much and it's so painful or uncomfortable that 90 seconds can feel like 90 minutes, you know what I mean? I just want to get away from this, so let me have a drink, let me eat, let me watch porn, you know? sex, let me buy something, let me work harder so I don't feel like this feeling is right, why was there something more to this?

It's not okay, so again, the key for me is to somehow bring it all together, you want to be able to stay present, so it's choosing an awareness and then staying present in one or more waves of short-lived body sensations. or ride those waves and understand that what you can do is just breathe, pause, breathe and kind of pause to allow your breath to really be like that ocean wave and that will help you stay present in the feeling and if you do , so in those moments of pause, if you really want to start mastering even more, then what you start doing is reflecting and It starts going well, which triggered me or, um, geez, is there any pattern to my reaction?

Is this linked to something in my past? So depending on the depth of reflection, you know you can stay with that process and then you'll start. To gain knowledge about your experience, the more you gain Knowledge, the more you can develop mastery over your feelings. Mastery, that's what I'm looking for. Why do you feel it takes an extreme breakdown in life for people to get started? the process of healing and change versus life is really constantly painful. I'm not going to change, you know what I mean, sometimes it takes like a divorce, a near death, a breakup or the loss of a career to wake up and start doing this process instead of just living in a five in life, you know, out of a ten and life is hard and it sucks, but it's not enough for me to want to do this job, that's a very interesting question and it makes me remember um, I don't remember the details of my life, but what I realized is that if a certain problem occurred in my life and I didn't address it, it would increase in intensity and scope, so I have no idea like I said, I don't remember the details, but I do remember that if I looked back I I realized I could have handled it sooner and I didn't, it just got bigger, worse and more painful, so part of it.

It's that we don't pay attention to those first opportunities to deal with whatever is happening and say oh, it doesn't hurt enough, so I can take advantage of it, I can handle this well or we don't do it. If we want to deal with any unpleasant feeling and any other experience, we will avoid that feeling of unemployment until it is so painful until we recover, but that is the crisis point, the awakening, yes, and so on. Think about Think about whatever level it's happening at, so let's say it's happening at this level instead of this level or the crisis level, okay, um, if you can, if you can, be aware that you're getting caught up in a pattern from the beginning, then.

Deal with it here because you know the truism of life is that it will get bigger as you go. How many people actually deal with the event there when it's just starting? Except what percentage you think. Oh, come on, come here. me a five percent ten percent raise is, I don't know, it's low because the people that you worked with over the years, most of them don't come to you and like I felt a little bad, they told you when There is a crisis, usually it is true, or it has reached enough, where the worrying becomes something that now continues to consume them, it is every thought, every feeling, it is this pain that could have been avoided years ago, right now , so I have done it.

I haven't solved it, but now I have to deal with it properly, so you know what the problem is. I think John Gottman talks about people being married for six to seven years before breaking up with a problem, and lasting that long before they finally move on. Okay, now I have to deal with it because it was seven years because we are at a breaking point to live, alreadyYou know, just the disconnection or the resentment or the lack of love or affection for six or seven years until they're okay every Christmas. Think about this every anniversary, it's getting worse and worse.

Now is the time where we have to do something right, but the key here is that you know the points where we choose to deal with it over and over again. the idea and the idea that we are noticing early instead of letting it build up and intensify, we are feeling it earlier, noticing it correctly and letting it intensify correctly and but that's the way it is, but it doesn't matter at what point you start doing it. with it think of it as an opening for your growth yes, right, right and don't be embarrassed by how long it took you to get there exactly.

I mean, I raise my hand and say: I have stayed in painful situations for many years, too many, too many times, yes. It's not like I'm sitting here thinking, you know, I get emotional about this because I reflect on my life and how much I suffered for so long, low-level pain until it escalates, declaring relationships for years that I knew I shouldn't have had. I've been there, but I was afraid to feel those eight unpleasant feelings and to speak correctly and it's crazy to think now about how simple the concept is, but how challenging it can be if I say it and think it was yes.

I could have avoided it. so many painful experiences relationships, if you want to call it, saving years of your life in relationships that people think about just by talking and saying you know from a positive, kind, well-intentioned place, you know this, you know this is not working for me . or this is something that has affected me and I want to talk about this in a loving way, but you know this is my value and your value seems to be off, can we meet somewhere in the middle or what can we create correctly and the ability to walk away from a relationship and feeling the pain and sadness instead of continuing because it's familiar exactly exactly it's crazy what we do to ourselves because we're afraid of these eight unpleasant feelings oh man this is something powerful and I and I I wish I had this before, but I hope that the people listening and watching are really taking us seriously and taking notes like I do and starting to think about where in my life I am allowing things to happen.

It happens when I don't talk, that's what I want people to start thinking about and how can I start to process these different things and start communicating in a way and it probably won't be easy at first, no, it will be extremely uncomfortable. yes, the first few times vulnerable, embarrassing, I don't want to make it humiliating, right, whatever it is, yes, the inclination is to want to back away, but let that be your cue to move forward, yes, oh my God, I want to ask you about the confidence because you said at the beginning that there are five keys to unbreakable confidence.

Can you talk about them? We've talked about two major keys that we actually play the third uh, but for me, over and over again, there's more, but I would say. There are actually five fundamental things to pay attention to. The first one we have been talking about all along is being able to experience and overcome unpleasant feelings. I define confidence as the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome. of whatever you face or whatever you pursue, then you say that again, yes, the deep feeling that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you face or whatever you pursue, yes, then , what is the emotional result?

The eight unpleasant feelings are correct, so being able to Experience and overcome those eight unpleasant feelings is the fundamental aspect of confidence. Yes, that's your starting point. It's okay, get over the unpleasant feelings. There are ways to test this at this point, Louis, but I actually think that our ability to speak changes our molecules, which is literally our nervous system. Yes, I believe it, like that, when, when we have that sense of ourselves internally, like I said. when for me that becomes the superglue of trust, yes, you generate a lot of trust because you have the ability to talk and manage these feelings correctly, and the interesting thing is that you are and two things here is not, it is not that you know yourself yourself and then you speak, it is not that you are confident and then you speak, it is actually as you speak and as you speak you gain confidence, so the process of yes, yes, where is the other?, in the other direction works. and the interesting thing too is you actually get to know yourself better, yeah, the more you talk, the more you get to know what you believe and that, and that, you own your beliefs, yeah, it solidifies again if I go back and talk in a friendly and positive way. way yeah, right, right, if I go back to my youth, to my high school years, it's like I was aware at some point, I wasn't even aware of what my own opinion was, right, right, and it's like back and forth. an opinion or who.

You know it's the way it is the way it is I don't know my own opinion. He was super shy and didn't talk, so I actually got to know more about who he was and what he believed as he talked by basically taking action and on this. case of the spoken piece, speak correctly, mention, yeah right, the third one is take action and taking action is similar to speaking, not that you are sure to take action, so if you want to learn a skill, whatever you know , play the piano, play tennis. no matter what it is, or practicing communication, it's that you take the risk, you take the action and then you gain confidence, yeah, you're not going to know, I'm learning Spanish right now, but I say learn, I mean it's like it's still I felt like a beginner, you know, after two years of practicing daily, right?

I don't have the confidence to speak correctly, but I am more confident than when I started exactly and it will take time for me to practice and act correctly. right, right, so the third is to take action because that again will further solidify the fourth is to stop or end our self-criticism and then the last one is to accept praise really accept and absorb praise how many people in the world criticize themselves constantly I would say that the vast majority of us do it, because now this is the interesting thing. I consider our self-criticism. I mean, it's a problem in itself, but I don't exactly see it that way.

I think our self-criticism is a thought hijacking of the eight unpleasant feelings it's a spiritual bypass essentially it's like a bypass in the face of these feelings yeah you just criticize me so let me give you an example and then if you want we can unpack it. yeah, I was doing an interview, but this time it was over Zoom and I could hear the person who was going to interview me, he couldn't hear me so he was saying something, it means no, no, well he was, you could see him. Starting to fumble around with the computer and see if we could make the sound work that way and then you see him crawling under the table or trying to connect cables or something like that exactly, so he's making the cables, but while he's doing the cables I hear it.

Say I'm so embarrassed but without missing a beat, so embarrassed is one of the big eight awesome, it's okay and I'm relaxing, I'm okay, it's great, I have time and I'm pretty chill anyway, but he says. I'm so embarrassed and then without missing a beat he says I'm so stupid I'm such an idiot man now hard self-criticism so what's the difference shame we do and we don't, we're not in charge of what we feel or what we feel a Once it's in our conscience we can handle it well so I'm really angry, okay, I don't want to, I don't want to blurt out things that are mean to people when I'm really angry, so I'm going to take a breath.

I'm fine, but now I'm aware of it. I can take a breath and relax and not say anything, but some people act and they don't have that gap between thought and thought. the response or the reaction, but the interesting thing here is that for me what we think, how and what we think about, we are in charge, we are not in charge of what we feel or what we feel good, we believe that we are in charge, so We feel something that we are not in charge of because it could just be a response to something, but once we think about it we can change, we are in charge of the thought, so what I think, what I saw and again came from an experience when I was working with a guy who was working on his thesis who was a staff psychologist at UCLA for a period of time he was working on his thesis he was really very frustrated but he was talking about the frustration and the frustration was really difficult for him.

He's okay, he understood, but then I heard it start to change to I feel inadequate, unworthy, and unworthy and in my head it's like how did I go from frustration to inadequacy or frustration to not being worthy and then I realized that that? If we think of it as I feel bad, I feel bad, if I'm frustrated, now he's creating the same kind of bad feeling, but now he's in charge of it because he's in charge of what he's thinking right, so which is when I realized that harsh self-criticism is actually an appropriation of the thought of unpleasant feelings, wow, and that's why I think more people switch to I'm so stupid, I'm such an idiot or what nonsense or I'll never do it. being able to do that, I mean, the list is endless in terms of how bad we can be to ourselves and what we tell ourselves, that we're doing that because we don't want to deal with the unpleasant feelings underneath, man. , I feel.

Like for decades, I said bad things to myself. You know you're such an idiot. You're stupid. How can you beat him so well? Forget what is right. Tell me all these unpleasant things to myself. I am very grateful. to do that, but it took practice and it took time to heal and go through this process, essentially what happens to us when we are in a constant and severe critical state with ourselves, well, we turn everything toxic, so again, I don't know if I said this before , but a friend of mine likes to say that what is not emotionalized is physicalized, so now we are affecting our physical body, so we know that our self-criticism depletes our immune system.

Yes, we know. There are studies that can show the difference between someone who is optimistic, positive, expresses gratitude, all those kinds of things correctly and this big difference between someone's immune system when they behave that way, think that way, and then when someone He is bad to himself. they are like they are being crushed, every cell hears them well and now they are moving towards a depleted and toxic state and their body is aging, it is aging, it is not healthy, it is not the way it is. I don't have as much energy, it's true, it's more effort to do things exactly, exactly, what's really interesting to me too, Lewis, is that most people think that unpleasant feelings and harsh criticism are the same, They are not the same, so again, again, there is no proof.

There is no research here, but from an observational point of view, I actually believe that our self-criticism is what leads us to depression and often leads to suicide. Wow, because we're saying such bad things to ourselves consistently and correctly, and if you take the bad words out of things, the criticism, you'll feel a lot more peace, exactly, it's just been moving that way, but people she is so caught in a cycle of punishing herself that it comes out every time they make a mistake or they are not perfect or they will be disappointed or they will feel that anything hurts someone, they react to God you are such an idiot, how could you do this, you are so stupid, you're so stupid, whatever it is, right? so ugly so this you're so bad you're so all these different things right as opposed to what we should do when there's a disappointment we experience shame we experience disappointment and we take advantage of those short-lived bodily sensations ways that we experience them for 90 seconds of experience or a or more times right, right, just keep going back, that's the key, just keep going, stay, stay with the experience, so you think it's like reversing course, right and you're Everything will be fine if I do it, now you're surprising yourself doing a harsh self-criticism and I will tell you that that horse of criticism requires a lot of mental space, a lot of mental and emotional space, so when you change it you are going to have some open space creativity comes into play the right connection comes into play with yourself and with others and then what you want to do is when you find yourself involved in the harsh criticism you stop and look well, what was it that I was experiencing right before that, right before I got carried away with that kind of thinking so that I could be in touch with what was difficult for me to know, difficult for me to endure? for me to think or it's hard for me to feel um and and typically it's going to be one or more of those eight feelings stay with it, make sense of it breathe, breathe well and get out of it and it's also understanding again in my world uh The difference between those unpleasant feelings and The Heart's self-criticism is that it's like when we experience something that's unpleasant, it's just unpleasant, it's like a one-to-one ratio, but we live in California, right?

California hasearthquakes, if people are familiar with the Richter scale, a one point difference is not a one point difference, it's a 10 times difference, so think about that in relation to the heart's self-criticism, yeah, when you're involved in it, I'm not talking about that, it's the same as unpleasant feelings, it's not that you're in a, you're really in a meltdown, you're in it, yeah, and you know there's a difference between harsh sales self-criticism and, I would say, cautious feedback. Okay, right. I was late to this meeting. I messed up or the audio isn't working on zoom.call, it's okay, it's just information that I wasn't prepared and how can I be better prepared next time and it's not the end of the world.

You know, maybe I left someone here right now and that doesn't feel good, but that's okay. it just means I need to be more present for the future and not have a checklist and I'm a processor you know I'm going to improve this so it's just comments it doesn't have to be this big fail right right. true, true, and, and I'll say a couple of different things here for me, self-doubt is a more subtle and insidious version of our self-criticism, right, and if I hear someone say, I'm a disappointment, that's our self-criticism, people will. instead of saying I'm disappointed, it becomes I'm a disappointment or I failed at something it becomes I'm a failure now we're moving from a reaction to something to really harsh self-criticism, yeah, once you recognize it and say I'm this That's really hard right no oh I'm I'm disappointed that I let this person down right?

I did this or this person did this as opposed to I'm a disappointment I'm a failure that's that's hard to achieve If you claim it as an identity, I am and then use that word correctly, that identity will stay with you until you break the right identity and You create a new identity, so it's hard to get out of that and build trust if you're in a hurtful identity, so that's step four, right, and what was step five, step five was about really absorbing praise. , receiving praise and absorbing, yes, why is it so difficult for people to receive gifts, praise, support, well, part of it has to do with it.

With us we can be okay with the dependent side of our nature and that it really is okay to receive and, frankly, the greatest experience of life comes when we can do both, we can give and receive well, that is the word of wealth in great part. the richness of life comes and that's one part of it, the second is that we are socialized to not receive them, why and uh, because I think we have a feeling that people will see us in a negative way and then we will. We don't fit in that we won't belong and then you know it's only going to lead to unpleasant or difficult connections with others, but I really differentiate or make a distinction between this whole idea of ​​arrogance and what I would consider a kind of healthy esteem or esteem. that healthy confidence and because arrogance is the complete opposite, arrogance comes from a place of inadequacy or a feeling of inferiority and that's why I'm going to need to tell you 17 times how great I am right because I don't really feel that way and Now we start to think that that person is conceited or arrogant when in reality that reflects the opposite for you, it is that they don't feel very good and that is why they feel they need to tell you. all the time yeah, like that, so I want to make that distinction when people feel really good about themselves um and they receive the praise uh like and and to me receiving the praise really allows you to refresh and elevate the level of your sense of self. and self-image, that's what I've noticed, is that it helps you forge that new story of yourself and if you don't let them in, then you haven't necessarily done it or you're not doing it. using the new information you are not receiving the information that confirms the values ​​in the person you want to be true wow true true blocking the information you are saying no but you are saying but I want this thing to be this person in the future but I am not going to allow make it happen right now, so think of a compliment you're not a congruence you're not congruent not congruent that's right that's exactly right wow think of praise as a reflection of you back to you so that's the essence of I'm holding a mirror to show you again and if I discard that compliment I'm not only discarding my reality, I'm discarding your reality of of me of me, so I'm rejecting this You say so, so I tell you that's not who I am and I'm saying that you throw away your reality, right, reality is wrong, that's right, I don't deserve this, yeah, we make all kinds of machinations around it, so now.

Back to the harsh criticism, right, I don't deserve this right, so it's like we're in charge or we deserve it and we're worth it, but that's a completely separate topic, so the truth is that if someone gives you a genuine compliment, it's coming out of an experience of yours and an experience with you, so if you're dismissing reality if you say no, no, no, you don't take it and ignore it, oh it's nothing, it was just luck, you know, it just happened and you dismiss the right now you are discarding your reality in other people, yes, and you are simply wasting your effort, you are discarding your action, you are discarding your coherence and all that, all that, yes, it's like I It was nothing, it was no big deal , exactly exactly.

I've really come to understand that praise allows you to update and improve your self-image, that's great, so if you start getting a ton of praise about the same type of things and you don't see yourself in that light, then it's like Oh, wait a minute. Everyone tells me this, maybe I need to take a look at this and recognize that that's part of me or that's how I am, that's how I present myself. and then you're not stuck in the old image of who you were, yeah, now you can make use of that, it's like, oh, okay, I can go into this new place and see myself in a different line or experience myself. in a different light. that, oh, I can be capable of this or I already exhibit generosity or kindness or whatever is right, so I think it makes a big difference and what's interesting to me around this Lewis is that I often get asked: what about vanity?

So, that's not going to give you a lot of head? How can I stay humble and receive endless praise? or whatever you know well, for me there are two answers to this one: I actually think of humility as telling the truth about who you are interesting, so tell me more, what does that mean? Well, if you think about arrogance in relation to humility, right, and I was doing this during a talk at one point and I asked people how I asked three questions and they all had to do with downplaying your abilities, dismissing praise. , dismiss your achievements, you know, devalue all that and then I.

I looked at the audience and said, that's arrogance, to really downplay your abilities, yeah, it's arrogance, right, who are you and what gave you the right to dismiss who you are? That's arrogance, interesting humility, so it would be telling the truth of who you are. so if you are a really skilled opera singer, you are a skilled pianist, you were created for tennis, you are a kind and generous person, it doesn't matter what you are, if you own the truth, you have to do it. Tell me 17 times, you might say once or twice, yeah, I'm really good at that or I'm really great at that, but people will receive it as truth and they don't think anything about it, it's like yeah, they are and they recognize it.

They are great and my experience is that when people feel good about themselves, Lewis, they don't have to tell people no, they just live absolutely good or live absolutely good and what is best what is the best way to receive praise what is an approach we can have where we are authentic it doesn't seem like arrogance or dismissing something what is the best answer uh two comments one is first a thank you or thank you I'm glad you see that or thank you for acknowledging that thank you for saying that and the second and this is actually borrowed from Lisa Nichols um and it's that I receive it so it would be thank you that I received that um I like those yeah just and if you don't take the time to do it yeah I haven't taken the time to receive them into my world.

The praise is eternal. What does that mean? Think a little about the praise you've been given. Think and you have been given and fired. Oh wow, now come back and I'd let you. Ask yourself a question or two about this one: What are those compliments you received that you dismissed? And I've actually had people write this down. You can go back in time as much as you want. My childhood. Yes, of course, you can do it and who you would have become if you had truly allowed yourself to accept those praises then and who you can become now by accepting them.

For me, praise is a super important part of this whole trust experience. inspiring I am so inspired by Joan and your book I want everyone to get these 90 seconds to a life you love how to master your difficult feelings to cultivate lasting confidence resilience and authenticity I think doubt is one of the things that keeps us coming back from living a beautiful life doubting ourselves doubting our past doubting our future just having doubts you know we are not rich enough to be around you know no, we are not beautiful enough an experience to be in the presence of When we doubt ourselves, people don't want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly doubts himself or everything, and I feel that doubt is one of the killers of our dreams, okay, and just so you know, to eliminate doubt, we need to learn how to build trust and you gave an amazing five step process here to do this and again it's an easy concept but it can be very difficult for people to follow, but I think these steps will make it an easier process to experience the uncomfortable feelings that are necessary, you will have You have to experience them to feel more comfortable and confident experiencing them, so I recommend this.

I have a couple of final questions, but before I ask you, Joan, I want to thank you. for their incredible commitment to understanding people and breaking down the science of the emotions people go through in a practical way. It was very easy for me to understand this process and I know that it has taken you decades to understand and experience it not only individually but also. experience with thousands of people that you meet face to face and hearing life stories, problems, stresses and pains from many different people in many different walks of life, so I really recognize you for your work, your ability to speak and communicate in a effective. so that I can understand and that others can understand and the work that you're doing with this book and everything else, so it's amazing to connect with you exactly and I really appreciate this, thank you, thank you, I get exactly, thank you, thank you.

I get that yes, yes, this is a question, but before we get to the last two questions, I want to make sure that people are following you on social media, uh, Dr. Joan Rosenberg, on social media and also what is the main place to send them which is the main one. website for you Dr Joan

rosenberg

.com Dr Joan

rosenberg

.com social media get the book 90 seconds to a life you love this will be a game changer for many if you know someone who lacks confidence or suffers get them this book too. Helpful, how else can we serve you before we ask you the last two questions? uh for me, really Lewis, it's really about getting the job done for me, it's about the kind of things that help me get this kind of. from the message yes, I like it, I said I have had the opportunity to repeatedly experience the difference it makes in people's lives, yes, and that's really for me, it's about being a bigger service, cool, well, I do we'll post in a big way so I'm very excited uh this question you ask everyone at the end it's called Uh the three truths okay so imagine a hypothetical scenario on your last day on Earth many years from now you'll be able to live the life you want live you create everything you achieve things but for some reason you have to take all your work with you on your last day so that no one has access to your book this conversation TED Talks are over but you can leave behind three lessons with the world three things you know are certain things that you would like to share with the world and this is all the information we have about you, what would those three truths be for you?

The first would be to think about speaking and acting in the direction in which you want your results to be. The second would be congruent, so if we can go for the first four we can go for the eight so that and the list goes beyond age, but again it would be that you want your thoughts, your feelings, your words and your actions to match at least correctly and if you can get that your thoughts, feelings, words and actions, your attitudes and beliefs, your values, your past history and the vision of your future, if you can make them all coincide even more you will be much more completely aligned you are in life you are on a rocket with what you want exactly exactly so that would be the second congruence would be the second and then the the third would have to do with speaking, it would be understanding the purpose of you speaking and again it is speaking from a kind and well-intentioned place.

I would say internally to youyourself and externally to others than your capacity. to do that and the importance of doing that, that purpose, if you will, is to make you grow, yes, and it is one of the best ways to evolve throughout life, not only to have a deeper connection within yourself, but it allows you to have the deepest and deepest connection. enrichingconnections with others powerful truth I'm a fan of those final questions what is your definition of greatness yeah, you know, I said it before uh in terms of a kind of personal mantra, this idea of ​​that I want to see how far I can go life and then one of my definitions or a definition of greatness for me has to do with the willingness to step in and pursue something no matter what that journey is like and as I could say many times, we disappoint our ways to achieve success, but it is to pursue those things that truly we want to pursue in life and allow ourselves to express ourselves as fully as possible in life.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Powerful. Inspiring. We are owners of our emotions. They don't come together. So when you talk about how we move into a space of connection with self and self-esteem, first recognize that the way you responded often doesn't need judgment, it just needs compassion because it's hard for humans, you know what I'm into. I mean, it's difficult. to human