Presidential Address Cold Open - SNL

GOOD AFTERNOON, I AM ANDERSON COOPER AND THIS IS CNN. YOUR NUMBER ONE SOURCE FOR PERFORMANCE PORN. THIS HAS BEEN A WEEK OF SHOCKING REVELATIONS OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE, ONE OF WHICH IS THE ONGOING DEBATE OVER GUN CONTROL. IN TIMES LIKE THIS, WE LOOK TO OUR LEADERS FOR GUIDANCE, INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO DONALD TRUMP. WHO HAS CALLED A SECOND BIPARTISAN SYMPOSIUM, WHERE HE WILL READ A PREPARED DECLARATION. TONIGHT I AM HERE TO BRING YOU A MESSAGE OF HEALING AND A SHOW OF UNITY, ALONG WITH MIKE PENCE AND SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN. LAST WEEK I MET WITH A GROUP OF TEENAGERS SURVIVORS OF ARMED VIOLENCE, I WANT TO ASSURE YOU ONCE AGAIN THAT I HEAR YOU AND I CARE.

LEGO NINJAGO STORY RENT. Sorry, Eric scribbled some notes there. WE HAVE TO LOOK CAREFULLY AT MENTAL HEALTH. OF WHICH I HAVE A LOT. I HAVE ONE OF THE HEALTHiest MENTALS. MY MENTALS ARE SO HIGH THAT WE HAVE TO RESPECT THE LAW. BELIEVE ME, NO ONE LOVES THE SECOND AMENDMENT AND DUE PROCESS MORE THAN I DO. MAYBE WE'LL TAKE EVERYONE'S GUNS AWAY. NO ONE CAN HAVE A GUN. NOT EVEN THE WHITE ONE. WE LIKED IT? DIANNE LOVES IT. HAVEN'T BEEN THIS EXCITED SINCE WOMEN WERE ALLOWED TO GET WORK. LOOK AT MIKE, HE HATES HIM. I MET WITH THE NRA, THEY GAVE ME 30 MILLION GOOD REASONS NOT TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

SO CHA CHING, IT'S ALL WELL. WE ARE STILL FRIENDS, ARE WE? YES. LOOK AT HIM, HE'S SO COMFORTABLE HE HATES THIS. HE IS CONCERNED THAT THIS IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. BUT AMERICA'S YOUNG PEOPLE DESERVE TO FEEL SAFE IN THEIR SCHOOLS, BECAUSE FRIENDS, I CAN ONLY GET INTO A LOT OF SCHOOLS AND SAVE EVERYONE. If I could, I would crash into all of them, even without a weapon, burst through the doors and run very fast. I AM A VERY FAST RUNNER. IT WOULD COME BACK SO FAST THE GUY WITH THE GUN DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.

BING BING, DING DONGDANG IS PUNISHED. HE WAS KEEP RUNNING, RUNNING TOWARDS NORTH KOREA, COMPETING DISARMAMENT. FIND LITTLE ROCK AND MAN. PINGPING PANG, THROW IT STRAIGHT OVER THE GREAT WALL OF KOREA. IF I HAVE TO MAKE AMERICA'S SCHOOLS ONLY MYSELF, I WILL DO IT. AS I AM RUNNING THE WHITE HOUSE ALONE. BECAUSE THESE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR ME KEEP QUITTING. HOPE HICKS, SHE IS LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME, SO SMART, SO HOT. SHE QUIT. You know, I hate to see her go, but I love to see her walk away from her. BUM BUM. I MEAN, JARED KUSHNER IS BASICALLY THE HOTTEST GIRL LEFT IN THE PLACE.

And she'll PROBABLY go to jail soon, so she'll get out. THAT MUST BE GOOD. EVERYONE ELSE STAYS, RIGHT? McMASTER, ARE YOU STAYING? I AM RIGHT? ALWAYS BE BY MY SIDE. ANYWAY, IF WE'RE GOING TO STOP THIS ARMED VIOLENCE, WE NEED TO WORK TOGETHER, WHITE, BLACK, EVEN SOME OF THE GOOD IMMIGRANTS, DO WE CALL THEM GRINTS? I'M GOING TO CALL THEM GRINTS. . WE NEED TO HEAL THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS, IT REALLY IS ONE OF THE BEST TOP FIVE. WE COULD DO BETTER. I mean, EVERYONE IS HITTING US, CHINA, JAPAN, WAKANDA. WELL? WAKANDA LAUGHES AT US. GOOD.

THEY HAVE FLYING CARS, PEOPLE IN WAKANDA. I ANNOUNCED STEEL AND ALUMINUM RATES THIS WEEK, PEOPLE ARE GOING CRAZY ABOUT IT. I TOOK BACK THE STEEL INDUSTRY BY DESTROYING THE AUTOMOBILE INDUSTRY AND SINKING THE STOCK MARKET. AWESOME. LOOK AT THAT, BOTH SIDES HATE IT, I DON'T CARE. I SAID I WAS GOING TO RUN THIS COUNTRY LIKE A BUSINESS. That business is a 2:00 waffle house. CRAZY EVERYWHERE, STAFF LEAVING IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR SHIFT. ADMINISTRATORS TAKE MONEY FROM THE CASH REGISTER TO PAY THE RUSSIAN MADULA. BUT MAYBE WE WILL REMOVE ALL THE WEAPONS. OH. SHE LOVES IT, SHE LOOKS AT ME LIKE A CARTOON PORK CHOP, OKAY?

SHE'S GREAT. ALL THE PEOPLE HERE ARE GREAT EXCEPT JEFF SESSIONS, HE NEEDS TO LEAVE. I CALL HIM MR. MAGOO, EVERYONE LOVES IT. PEOPLE HERE IN THE WHITE HOUSE SAY ENOUGH, I LAUGH SO MUCH I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE, I QUIT. THAT'S SO FUNNY, MR. PRESIDENT. BUT I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I'm like a skunk's stench on a bird dog, sir, I'm staying. AND I JUST HAD DINNER WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS AT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. And WOW! YOUR NAME APPEARED MORE THAN A WEASEL IN A PUMPKIN. THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT. YOU CAN'T INTIMIDATE ME ANY MORE. FOR THE FIRST TIME I AM STANDING ON MY OWN HIND LEGS.

WELL? How about we say it together for old times' sake, huh? LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!