How Many Jokes Can Jimmy Say In 30 MINUTES? | Jimmy Carr

I recently read Great Expectations and it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. My ex-girlfriend bought me the karma sutra last year as a gift, which put me in a very awkward position. I was doing a concert a couple of weeks ago. I recently spoke to a girl at the front and asked her where she was from and she said I'm from outside Birmingham. I told him that I really am too. What part of Birmingham aren't you from? I was by the sea recently and I was thinking. about sea level rise and this guy next to me was throwing rocks into the water.

I thought that didn't help, if anything you're making things worse. They just put bumpers outside my local school. Wow, I'm pretty sure that's a cap. I'm 90 years old, it sure was an obstacle with a wallet. I make my own vegetables. I have a hammer. I saw a proper scientific study that said women can tell if a man wants a baby just by looking at the shape of his face, presumably. if so, it means she doesn't want a baby and if so, it means conception will involve a turkey baster, well that was my gay face, it wasn't clear enough, okay, have it your way, sorry, I would like to apologize for that, my God, I neglected the ball bag to be furious for life, don't you think?

I'm 36 years old, you know what that means, it means the only way I'll be described as young now is if I die, I think. You know you're getting older. I was watching porn last week. I found myself thinking that his bed looks comfortable. The worst thing about being told you have Alzheimer's is that it doesn't happen suddenly. Yes, when I'm away from home. sometimes I get love sick well they call it chlamydia I told my best friend I his wife and I got her pregnant hiccup my girlfriend used to get upset with me because I used to leave the toilet seat up so I don't do that anymore I always always make him depressed because it's the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, it's just a little thing, but a little means a lot, yeah, hmm, of course, there's no way to win with her, now she's upset because she's covered in urine. one of those charity muggers, you know the ones with the clipboard on the High Street and you think I've dodged it and then there's another one working on how they do it anyway.

They stopped me, they cornered me, he said, can I talk? about the homeless I said certainly lazy thanks anyway I told my girlfriend I told her on Saturday how would you like to go shopping with the girls, get some new shoes, do your hair in a different style and then go out for a couple of bottles of Chardonnay she said that sounds great I said okay because we're breaking up this is your man I guess from that heterosexual expression it's weird I have a little advice for you if the police pull you over in the car and they do the usual thing of making you roll down the window and say: excuse me sir, do you know why we stopped?

Don't say no, did you forget? I hate that, I was actually a very good driver last year. I got 25 points. I'm trying to lose a little weight right now, so I eat porridge every day for breakfast. Does anyone else eat porridge for breakfast? Boring, right? I'm like four tablespoons thinking this is really depressing. I wouldn't mind dying. I was so unstimulated when I was having breakfast the other day. I read that the oatmeal box actually says no added dyes on the oatmeal box, I thought, but it's gray. Do you know when a man tells you? It's not you, it's me, ladies, you know what a man says that it's not you, it's me.

We want to say that from the heart, that's not it, that's true, it's just a fragment of a longer sentence, it's not you, it's me who rules this relationship, because no. I can be by your side per square inch of head. Redheads have 750 fewer friends than normal people. Are there redheads? I think I'm fine looking away at the foreigner, of course not all fat people are cheerful, some of them are. women fat girls have feelings mainly they are hungry I guess they are offended possibly just hungry premature ejaculation is a problem for

many

men well I say it is a problem for men mainly it is a problem for women what do we care if we are asleep now you can get Virtually invisible spray condoms that have been designed specifically for gullible women.

I have a friend whose nickname is Shagger. You might think she's cool. She does not like it. She completely forgets when you walk in there and just leaves. Uh, what am I supposed to be? Do you ever get there? Are you cat people or dog people? Would you say cat people are dog people? Because for me everything tastes the same a couple of weeks ago I couldn't perform well sexually, how is that? It's a laughing matter a couple of weeks ago I couldn't act sexually I'm not going to go into details suffice it to say that I arrived early my girlfriend said don't worry that happens to a lot of guys I said well there are two things about that first of all who are these

many

guys and secondly if it's happening to more than one of us don't you think it can be your fault it was in a restaurant the other day it said on the menu all our food is made with love I thought I knew a chip shop that They closed for doing that.

I was in a restaurant with a friend, the waiter came over to take the order. I said, "I'll have the fish of the day," and my companion said, "Oh, I wanted some Welsh." in any Welsh, oh that's quite a few, well it looks like we've contained the problem. I love Welsh. I like the Welsh language and I like the Welsh language because it was clearly invented by a dad who lost at Scrabble. Foreigner, that's not a word. It starts with three L's it's a damn word, well how do you pronounce it? Have pets? Who has pets?

Yeah, I can't have sex if the dog is looking at me, those big eyes looking up as if to say what you're doing and why. I didn't talk, we made love abroad. I'm pretty middle class and I'm from the Home Counties so I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when pronounced correctly. There is nothing wrong with working. the class these days has been work classes very similar to masturbation there is nothing to be ashamed of of course there is nothing to be proud of and they both put calluses on your hands the men propose on their knees do you know why that is to get them used to ask? sex when they are married, yes, action, more than you, women like to dance with men because women instinctively know that if they dance with a man they will be able to know what he is like in the bedroom and that is a good indicator.

I tend to dance for about 30 seconds and cry a little it feels like you're laughing at me not at me it's very cruel are you familiar with the phrase friend have you all heard the phrase friend yes, I have a friend? I didn't know what that meant I used it in a conversation and he didn't know what it meant I had to explain to him what a friend was I said it's like a friend that you have sex with regularly He said well how is that different from a normal relationship I said they are your friends and having sex with them regularly is like the opposite of a normal relationship.

I found out the hard way that there is a big difference between dating a colleague's girlfriend and dating a foreign colleague's girlfriend I went to the airport information desk I said how many airports there are in the world she said I don't know I went to the check-in counter the Girl told me window seat or Island I said proper window are you What are you threatening me? She said: No, no, calm down, calm down, seat by the window or in the hallway. I said, I'll take a seat. I bought one of those plane tickets for everyone.

£1200, incredible value. 37 hours later, I returned to Heathrow. Foreigner on vacation. Recently and I was told on vacation, yes, at the hotel, that they had special things in the pool that turn the water purple if you pee in the pool, so I didn't pee in the pool. I didn't realize they had things to clearly do it because they discovered me almost immediately. I told them it was a brown shark. They didn't have any of that. I don't know if this happened to any of you. I was checking into a hotel recently. It's about one o'clock. Morning clock after a concert in Manchester came into the reception area and the guy recognized that we went Mr Carr, we put him in a foreign disabled room between a normal room and a disabled room and he said the disabled room has a walk.

In the shower he's teasing me, right? There's a fine line between policing the neighborhood and becoming a vigilante, and it's a line you cross when you buy a cape. Do you know there is now a warning about superhero costumes if you buy a superhero costume? In it, this costume does not give you special powers or the right to watch your children spicy food. You can damage your sense of taste when I was in India last year. I listened to a lot of Michael Bolton every time he cooked. Always make sure there are vegetarian options that can be accommodated or left out.

I was at the movies last week with a friend. He turned to me and said, "I'm just going to go to the gentlemen. Do you want anything? Yes, bring us some urine. Thank you very much." a lot maybe one of those mint things from your rhino you know they're called urinal cakes there's a disappointing birthday not your favorite do you ever do this Glasgow thing? Have you ever been asked to wash the dishes and you do it very poorly? purpose so that they never ask you again: do you do that? My girlfriend honestly does that with her mom.

Do cold callers bother you? You know about a night when you're at home relaxing after a hard day at work watching TV and flipping through a magazine? The phone rings, a strange voice sounds that you don't recognize, talking about something that doesn't interest you, no, Mr. Jimmy, I have your baby, now you send money quickly from a foreign private phone. Problem with private phone calls, so this is when you are at work surrounded by colleagues. or in the pub surrounded by friends, you get a phone call from your other half and at the end of the call they say something that you would normally answer as if it were your thing, but you don't want to say it because there are people around it is a bit embarrassing, so at the end of the phone call everything is fine, goodbye, you know, no, there are people around, I don't want to, well, don't be like that, it's okay, I'll say it, I want to strangle you with my I was at a show recently I don't know if anyone has had this experience I was at a show watching a band and uh it's right under the fire escape uh well watching a band play a pint with a mate chilling and a local lady came up to us in the little vest and appeared the nameplate, excuse me, I'm going to have to move because if there's a fire, you're blocking the exit, I said, I'll tell you what love if there's a fire, I'll move, I'm sorry, why do you mean what was it that you intervened with something you said, go on, Jimmy, okay, ironically, slowing things down?

You often do that, you just stop people on the street and say, Oh my God, your day! I just spoke up to tell them to continue with the fog sign on the highway, how useless is that, who is it to the people who drive thinking I can't see anything? I wonder if I have cataracts, it's the fog one I like, do you all have them? the same as me when you drive normally you drive like this yes that is a normal driving position a little foggy you would run like this you get a little closer you get a better view in case there is fog in the car thank you You my partner recently lost 11 kilos.

Well, I say that I left his fat cow. Do you read the Sunday newspapers? Birmingham Jewels The Sunday Newspapers. I like newspapers on Sunday mornings. It's a good time to reflect on the last week and also to look forward. over the next week we read the sunday papers like the world of news in bed on sunday morning a couple of weeks ago the sunday papers what could be cute or what could be more british anyway my girlfriend turns to me there is a sex scandal on the news of the world as it invariably is and my girlfriend turned to me and said I hope I never find out you're having an affair, she told me I too PC has gone crazy, you can't say Siamese anymore so I guess my cat is a Siamese twin.

Talk about funny birth defects, have you all read about that little girl born in India with eight limbs? Incredible, she was born into a Hindu family, so they thought she might be the reincarnation of a goddess, the spider Vara, the test for that is quite simple. just put them in a bath and see if they can laugh on their own every night after the show. I have attractive women knocking on my dressing room door and sometimes I let them out. Is there any comedy here tonight? The gag prevents any laughter, the only reason I ask is because if any girl approaches me after the show looking for sex, I'll have to disappoint you.

I mean, we could have set up X because she's going to be pretty disappointing. She wouldn't lie to you. you'd be like throwing a sausage into a foreign alley than some of you wanted, okay bad things come in threes, a good example of that is Atomic Kitten. Every time I think of Atomic Kitten, I'm actually a little sad because I think of somewherefrom the northeast. There's a supermarket three cashiers I'm sure there are two things that really bother me, you know, when you buy things and they come in that super hard plastic that you can't start with, you know what I mean and you end up breaking a tooth and then you leave ? and get scissors never dream again these are us first do you think I'll try my teeth and then the worst thing is when you bought scissors and they have come in those things that bother me that and genocide oh back seat drivers are they all? the same thing, why are we going to the forest?

Please let me go. 80 of the personal ads say a good sense of humor is required and the reason 80 of the personal ads say a good sense of humor is required is because everything else in the personal ad is a lie, you appear on the blind date , she says, I know, I said she was small and pretty, but you have to laugh, you think so, I notice she also says that you enjoy long walks, which is useful because you can pick up an interesting little fact right away. for you three percent of all new houses are built specifically for retirees and they are called coffins my grandmother loved her to death by suffocation am I kidding me sometimes her doing this job you feel very exposed not when I'm making

jokes

but when I'm making part of observational comedy and you feel like if no one can relate to this I'll feel like a fool, so Gina share with me if you've had a similar experience, it's always embarrassing when you get an erection during a prostate exam and they realize, wait your not a real doctor its a joke on her she doesnt even have the size of prostate its not important its what you do with her would you be okay with that ladies she doesnt have it so It is very possible that you?

Just whisper, you caught an echo. I think the men in the room will be able to relate to this. My girlfriend always wants to stay home and watch Downton Abbey, but I want to go out and get a new girlfriend. I thought it would be It's Okay That I Have Sex With Other Women because my girlfriend and I were on a break, but apparently I ruined that weekend in Center Parks. I once dated a girl who was so fat that I felt like she was timing her too much. I'm kidding. I didn't go out with her, the big problem they talk about these days is childhood obesity, they talk about it all the time, childhood obesity and they say that these children are greedy, they are not greedy, they just have slow and very fast metabolisms.

Cheap eating hands There are a million obese children in Britain today. Do you realize that if everyone jumped at the same time they could lose a little weight? Have you been to the movies recently? Has everyone been to the movies? Look, there's an ad now in the cinema telling you not to buy pirated DVDs because it's not the real movie experience and then it goes on to say that if you buy a pirated DVD, someone might get up in the middle of the movie, go pee and you think. Yes, that's annoying, but it's a lot like being in a movie theater.

The flooding is pretty bad. I saw a woman on the news in the living room filled with her crying. I thought the crime is not open, if anything you are making things worse. Master, some young women drink so much. they faint I can't remember what happened the night before if that's you don't worry love I made a video I shouldn't be kidding my grandpa was an alcoholic we used to call them Alco pops foreigners I tried to kill myself once I came pretty close to killing myself. The boy who was next to me is fine, he was goth, it's what he would have wanted.

My grandfather always used to insist on standing up whenever a woman entered the room, which eventually led to him losing his disability living allowance. I was in North London I saw a guy on the High Street with a guide dog and a white stick and I approached him. I went, you must be blind and he said Tell me something I don't know. I said there's a tree there, right? be an idiot about it. I had one of those serious relationship conversations the other week with my girlfriend, where she sat me down and talked to me for about six hours.

I hadn't realized until then that when a man says he talks that's literally what he means, she told me, Jimmy said, we are at a crossroads in our relationship, down one road it's hard work and commitment, but in Ultimately, happiness the other way, well the other way is a dead end and I said it's not a Crossroads, it's a T-junction, how did you laugh? She went crazy, do you understand this? do you get the waiter's super condescending warning about the hot dish? Did you go out when you went out to eat and the waiter arrives? Wow, be careful, the dishes are very hot.

He thinks he's an adult. I think I can operate his plate. Also, I can't help but notice the patronizing Mr. Waiter, he just waved it off, but you are my patronizing little fingers. Waiter, we should see if it's hot, okay? Ah, that's very sexy. I don't want to be a jerk, but you should have said that I'd like to end by talking about threesomes because it tends to divide the sexes, most men would be quite happy. For a threesome with two girls, most women don't like that action. If they ask you to bring a friend, you tend to get a little offended.

I think it's because men are very bad communicators. Know? When we ask for those types of women. Hey, oh, I'm not enough of a woman for you, you need two women to satisfy you because you're such a big man, not that, we're not saying ladies, what we're saying is, wouldn't it be brilliant if after sex there was? There was someone there to talk to you I tell you what I love love love love and I bet you all love it too I love the snooze button do you love the snooze button? I love the suit because after eight hours of sleep I tell you what I need a strange but true nap, right?

I wake up in the morning. I'm more tired than when I went to bed than before. I wake up thinking I'm exhausted. How exhausting it is to sleep. I need 10

minutes

alone to recover. Get out that feminist fan, you may agree with this, maybe you're not a feminist, you say a woman's work is never done, maybe they've organized themselves a little better, it's a little cold, stay with me mother, what you got What to understand is that this is how it is. postmodern misogyny that joke is actually uttered Den irony, so don't worry your pretty little head about it.

The weird thing my sister does is that Chatty Man show, that's the most annoying boo I get at concerts. I like it when people come together. I like a bit of Heckle, a bit of fun, but the most annoying thing that happens to me is when I'm setting up a joke about to deliver the punchline and someone says, it's invariably the same thing, it's always where's Ellen? where is ellen? not my bet Noir is a bit annoying where's Ellen? It's your dad well, it's early in the evening, let's try some easy

jokes

to start with, good luck in the south of France.

I saw a brownie on a school trip. She was. holding a book she said on the front Rough Guide I thought so, she's not a look. I fantasize about having sex with the gymnast not only because they are very flexible and you can do many extraordinary positions, but also because I imagine that they do a brilliant dismount from the side of the bed that way and if they bend their knees even a little, you can force them to do it again. Sometimes you may feel that a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship?

Things get hot and heavy. on the couch one night you think this doesn't feel right you're my best friend you can't even be on the couch dog down boy I said down boy I made it gay Did you see the story about Gary Glitter? there was a GCSE music question about Gary Glitter, how bad is that? just want to settle down and have kids, here's some advice for you: never leave electrical appliances plugged in overnight, two exceptions, refrigerators and life supports, you're wasting a lot of vegetables, that was a bit harsh, you better let's do something a little lighter, it's ironic that people with club feet don't tend to be very good dancers yes, women ask weird questions or the women in my life have always asked weird questions my girlfriend told me recently, she said which of my friends you think she's prettier, that's what she said what I heard was that I feel like a fight I don't know much about women but I know there's no right answer to the question which of my friends do you think is prettier there's nothing that I can say that she will go that's good and there's "There's going to be trouble, so I thought I might as well be hanged by a sheep or by a lamb, so when she asked me which of my friends do you think is prettier, I told her : "Well, Karen is pretty, but Susan does that thing with her tongue a lot." People say modern art is pretentious, but I see it like this: you know those human statues you find in the middle of town, you know the ones that are painted silver and Goldstone still and then if you give them like 50p when you pass , they move their hands like a fraction actually works out cheaper if you walk past them every day just to buy a Taser.

Hi, I'm Jimmy Carr, the guy you just saw in that video, thanks for watching because somehow I get money from it. I don't know how I don't know but it's probably leaked through some kind of ad that you see before watching the video maybe or maybe you subscribed anyway thanks for watching here and in some way that benefits me and I hope that I See you at a live show sometime further down Sunny Road, good luck.