Laughing and Joking (2013) FULL SHOW | Jimmy Carr

or you just thought why not basic hygiene wallet reasons your boyfriend might break a tooth but it was definitely a presbytery property not a Liverpool vajazzle which is just a euphemism for herpes anyone else came across the vajazzle doesn't have flocks I hope I'm okay what what they have they call you a little it was you it was your deer oh you can't remember anything it sounds like a Liverpool for jazz ultimate no no what happened I'm itchy a lot obviously I could never become a jazzer because I don't have a vajayjay. I would consider glitter balls, you know, for a special occasion.

Oh, speaking of special occasions, there were a couple a couple of weeks ago at one of my 35th birthday concerts at Mary's. I got to chatting with them, Saul, which is pretty incredible these days. I started chatting with them. I told him: what are you giving him for the anniversary? and he said: fryer. I told him: well, what does she give you? It was fries and they seemed excited. with that arrangement Nogami chained people about what's the worst gift you've ever received birthday anniversary Christmas Valentine's Day what's the worst part of yourself you've ever received what war was that so a little stronger not like what's okay a chair I wouldn't your name, what, what, I'm sorry, Toby, Toby, do you mind if I share it with the group?

Thank you very much, Toby, that makes it a lot easier because there is an interlocutor, a good speech, a funny speech, but we have to go through hell, we'll leave it now, God. I would love to be able to let it go, but I can't make rules, but he doesn't mind me sharing with groups, that makes it a lot easier. We can go old school. What's happening? Stop stalling, don't panic, sir. I have this. I'll have to put you waiter Toby's mum is so fat it's a shame Toby your mum is such a beefy monkey Bobble slob sati boom bah t fat nothing she's so fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders had finished the real story you, Sir, what did you say?

What was it? Stop stalling, yeah, what's your name, are you trying to say? Gary, look at me, Gary, yes, yes, yes, just like that, Gary, if you want him to come back, you're going to have to scrape him off your mother's teeth. The worst gifts were not what is the worst gift. Sorry, you have a bread maker. Your husband bought you a bread maker. I hate the whole concept because bread machines. Hello Mayor, Berry I spent about two hundred pounds on a bread maker. That's convenient, isn't it? Because you don't live. close to shops and bread is not cheap.

I'll make it myself, it's okay because the ingredients cost more than a loaf of bread, but don't worry, what did you buy her instead of an engagement ring? a bread maker instead of an engagement ring you broke up with him Ryan, you just divorced him, why did you still marry him? I mean, that must have been awkward in the office, well this one was nice, brilliant, hey, poor thing. Other bad gifts you received won't bore the water a poop-picking dog the air the darkness at that moment yes, are you done with your dog? Why don't you know that you don't have it anymore?

Oh, Toby's mom with him. fat guy haha ​​sorry buddy, any other bad gift, what do you get, nothing Jesus, listen to the bitterness there. I think there are worse gifts than nothing, so I would like this as if women are bought by their other half and it's not just. a gift is a bit complicated at least something in the house has some suction well you said you wanted a bag about that it's welcome there was a girl the other day for a 21st birthday her name Nana like mental anyway for her Nana bought her gift wrapped beauti

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y gift wrapped an Argus catalog with a £2 coin seller stuck to the front which is the worst one I think a lot of people had learned Secret Santa do you do Secret Santa at work tonight?

I need to get something good for less than 510 I went out and bought a wide mustache trimmer she was furious that I didn't please some people it's not like she didn't need it and it being the best gift it's obviously anal sex not for a secret Santa that's a disaster but no, it is better to give to receive and anal sex is the gift that keeps on giving unless you stop giving and that is the worst. I think a lot of people bought gift vouchers and hear buy gift vouchers. What were you thinking about? You walked into a store when excuse me.

Wanna. Could you help me? I have some money here. This is accepted everywhere. Could you fix it for me? So it only works in this store for a limited period of time. I must explain that it's a gift and I must idiot, it's a great feeling when you get a woman you've been chasing for miles. I have met thousands of women in the biblical sense and by biblical sense I mean made up women that don't really exist, many people just get into relationships without really thinking about it. We call those people men. Many men say that when they first get together with a woman they initially can't tell if she's real, but I can because I have a special little indicator that stands up.

Turn it on, sit down, what's your name Adam? I like it, sir. What is a type of cystitis? What's the matter? What do you do for a living? Alexa. You do a lot of things because I think I have I have seen a card advertising your services. Are you new in town? Good sir, don't let me guess that you are an aspiring presenter. Well, I'll tell you when I tell all the aspiring presenters that I mean, I'll have an Americano, please. I love my job, gentlemen, remember what you were doing the first time you told a woman you loved her? chatting about what people really think when they have sex there is no conversation I would recommend she told me she said what kind of man fantasizes about his partner's friends while he is actually having sex with his partner and I told him, promise not to. you will make him angry what he thinks is the most important thing in a relationship he shouts out says how long have you been together he wants four years and sex is still the most important thing well you sir are a liar after two years I would give him two years later he is okay, but the sex is the most important thing, they are ripping off each other's clothes, it's fantastic after two years, a star appears inside and it appears pretty quickly.

Sky+ and any other thoughts. The most important thing in a relationship, trust a lot. ladies who claim to trust any other cricket cooking cooking is the most important thing you can link from a quantum leap if you just got here since 1970 cooking is the most important thing in a relationship have you ever committed yourself by giving someone a bread maker by chance? are not the strangest response, the most witty response I had recently, it was the most important thing in a relationship and although when there was consent, he came to Edinburgh, I said the most important thing in relationship, you stop me from having a terrified looking woman an extreme weapon. other thoughts lube good if you run out another watery a puncture repair kit funny I like that deserves more come on any other what sorry love grow up who you are in a relationship with your my little pony heat and the other thoughts break your bond laughter, well I do not know.

I think what I look for in a woman is a sense of humor, because if a woman can see the funny side of life, she is much less likely to press charges for not knowing it, as you might think. trust for me I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship because if you are with a woman and you don't trust her one hundred percent, how do you know she won't tell your wife? I love it when a woman says those magic words that mean she's definitely up for sex that night this drink tastes weird I'm kidding you can't taste it I'm not approved, you'd be okay with that right?

I'm not a prude, this is what I don't like saying bad words during sex Who wants to hear that kind of language, especially from a child? All the look you gave me there. You prefer a child who says bad words. It's fair. Something happened to me recently. A little embarrassing. They caught me. I did it. I don't think this can happen when you're an adult. My girlfriend caught me masturbating. What are you saying? Sorry, I woke you up, you have sleep in your eyes. I don't know about you, made like celebrities, better just famous for who their parents are like Calum best and Peaches Geldof and Jesus I heard a journalist on Sky News say that at least one person died in a suicide bomb attack obviously it's the minimum needed to rate It was about burning a copy of the Quran in Afghanistan I was watching it thinking I would never burn a copy of the Quran because I have a Kindle just delete it no I'm not worried about Islamic suicide bombers they can only do it once so the Hindu suicide bombers, that's more. a threat due to reincarnation, you are wrong.

I was going to talk to you about the terrorist threat levels in this country because our government has chosen the strangest words for our terrorist threat levels, you know, sometimes they announce them at the end of the news, the weather. the pollen count and then the terrorist threat level for no reason and they are words I don't understand, so right now the terrorist threat level in this country is substantial. I asked a police officer what I'm supposed to do with it. I said, be careful, I said well, I'm not involved, John, the highest level of terrorist threat is, how's this for a creepy word? imminent, do I have to do with imminent?

I imagine tight, I've never been near a bomb when it explodes, imagine now take the Stay away, right? And we all know that it is not at the highest level of terrorist threat. The highest level of terrorist threat, as we all know, is I don't care if this seems racist. I'm getting off the bus with a huge backpack. and he doesn't need to say these prayers and I'm doing one where the guilt of the middle class is overcome by fear, you know you're in trouble, of course, with these jokes I can face the wrath of Islam that I've always felt.

The thought sounds like a pub we go to in Wrath of Islam ah for love there is no alcohol there is no fruit machine there are no pork scratchings yes but women can get high sometimes doing this job you feel very exposed not what I am making, jokes, but when I'm doing an observational comedy. You feel like if no one can relate to this, I'll feel like a fool, so share it with me if you've had a similar experience. It's always embarrassing when you get an erection during a prostate. exam and they realize, wait, you're not a real doctor, it's a joke to her, she doesn't even have a prostate.

I hope I had some teenage girl, she doesn't give charity, she doesn't stand a chance, but I realize it's a critical question. The teenager asked me the reason. I believe it was recently said that 90% of adolescent girls are sexually active. Many of them just stay there. You know, my real father. I have to take questions from young guys. Young people after the program often ask me if you can laugh at a woman in Tibet. her short answer yes, obviously she is too young for you if you say sneaky, but yes, laugh alone in Tibet, the hard part comes 20 minutes later when you try to laugh at her and get her into a taxi home.

I don't know, make a big deal out of it. this, but I recently adopted a newborn African boy who weighed only seven pounds and also posted his packaging, they put holes in that box and that's the interesting joke that Richard Curtis said it was too much for comic relief, have you all been on that first foreigner? Vacation abroad, let it be the first vacation abroad that you went without your parents. Everyone was on that vacation. They haven't been on that vacation yet. Oh, in my opinion, you have a lot to look forward to. It's an amazing trip, it tends to be the only one the kids go on. away together all the girls go together somewhere hot in Europe that's cheap that year we left five of us went to school together we only got a result rate one out for two weeks in Fowler aki it was amazing son c sexist and that That's what we were looking for, that's what we found, it was an amazing, life-affirming holiday, where in those two weeks I had sex with 12 different people.

I'm not bragging that I was gang raped, but he didn't let me. Your previous trip If there's a fight I let my fists do the talking Please don't hurt me I went to a pretty posh single-sex school but I never really fit in I think it's partly because I'm a man and partly because we're 35 when they caught me, My grandfather always used to insist on standing up whenever a woman entered the room, which ultimately led to him losing his disability living allowance. He was in north London. I saw a guy on the main street with a guide dog and a white dog. stick and I approached him, I went, you must be blind, he said, tell me something, I don't know, I said there is a tree there, don't be an idiot, never forget the first one, especially if they are gone. unusual name you're Kayla, there's something I don't understand about a woman's G-spot.

I can't identify it. I can drive a woman, mother, let's go home, she hasn't touched a nerve, so to speak, she's not very fit, I can drive. a wild woman with my tongue, would you like me to

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it to you? okay, pay attention, everything is reallyadopt them People criticized Madonna, but the child she adopted was a fair deal. We have any diet. Give all the dads a share. Did you cry at the birth of your first child? Very few of you left it out. What kids are ashamed of is crying. until the birth of their first child, I think it's because they don't really know why they cried, there are different theories, some people think it's the biological link with the child you meet for the first time, but I can't be like that.

I'm just saying it for the first time, it's not like the mother she has been

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ying inside her. That's more of a biological thing with the boy. No, some people think that men mourned the birth of their first child because of the gift that the woman has given them. In their life, what would make them cry? No, I think the real reason why most men cry at the birth of their first child is because they see the demand they made to the lady. No, she has a vaginal anus. Yes, my grandmother. know how much I spent on it. funeral, she would be hanging around in her ditch when I was a kid.

I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex, so I watched them from the closet. The conclusive homosexual phobics of Agra ever came out, how is it possible to explain the concept of death to a small child, well you need a hammer and a hamster, he is not going to live on a farm because he is all over the store It always feels a lot better when you jerk off your dead arm, but apparently I ruined that funeral I remember on the playground. My dad is tougher than your dad. It's not really the problem. The problem is that both dads have erections on the playground researchers have created a birth control pill that deactivates sperm before they reach the uterus my girlfriend has something similar called stomach acid 10% of women have I cried in a store locker room I guess they weren't expecting to see me .

There is an interesting fact. The reason Morris dancers use bells is to let the blind know it is coming too. They say that a problem shared is a problem halved. It didn't really work. AIDS did it, do you know you can get AIDS from the toilet seat bone if you sit down before the last kids come up? My girlfriend asked me recently and said what happened to your sex drive. I told him I burned it and broke it with a hammer. She worried that the police were getting hold of it. Humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure, but a dog will do it for a cookie if you suffocate in a bag for life to be furious, right?

The irony did kill you. Um, I recently read high expectations and it wasn't as good as I thought it would be. I can do a brilliant impersonation of Michael Jackson. Would you like to see it? I just need a young volunteer who can keep a secret, you know? this human statue should be in the middle of the city, you know the Stockstill booth, once painted silver and gold, and then if you give them like 50P, when you pass by, they wave their hand like a fraction it actually works out cheaper and you go to stop by them every day just to buy a Taser.

Something happened the other day on the high street, you know the charity robbers, you know the ones with the clipboard and the optimism. on the main street I dodged the and the third one caught me with what I considered an unfair tactic the conversations backwards I hadn't stopped I hadn't made eye contact and she told me the sad stories about her she trotted backwards and the wording was perfect for me . She said, "You know how often people die from AIDS." I told him I'm not an expert. I guess I once saw something extraordinary against AIDS recently.

I was in Johannesburg last time. year doing some gigs and I saw in the China burg that this charity had printed a leaflet with everything you need to know about HIV and AIDS because there are a lot of myths about AIDS in South Africa so they printed this leaflet because they raised more money that they. It was necessary, they decided to put a condom on; every little good idea, so they stapled on a condom. Really true, Aqua Tree's Everest, sweet, the 930 South Africans, well there are quite a few, but it's strange. Linguistic differences are noticeable when you travel.

In this country, when you say I'm not racist, what you tend to say is that I'm not racist. In South Africa, I am NOT racist, it means they are about to say something racist. Is this racist for Chinese people? Guess who I am? I first tried that joke in a small 50-seat theater above a pub and there was a Chinese lady front and center and she laughed enough to lean forward and it looked like she hadn't changed the newlyweds. I liked. the gun, well, I considered myself an equal opportunity criminal. I like to think that I offend everyone and therefore no one, because it's kind of a blanket blitz approach to the offensive, it's like I'm not bothering any group and I'm not really trying to make you crave a couple of hours.

That's my only job in this world. I'm not trying to make any point or change anyone's mind about anything and the best defense of a joke is. It's always just a joke, there's only relaxed banter, we're just trying to make you laugh when you're trying to say something that's true, sincerely and from the heart, that's when it can appear much more spectacularly on your face. I have a story about this John. here the PC explodes in a friend's face, so this stuff of mine is a pretty long story, which is unusual for me, but it's fantastic, you'll enjoy it.

This friend of mine runs a comedy club, he is well into a university, he is around 60 years old and has been running now. since the early 80's it's a legendary club anyway he runs this he's a great writer if there's a petition to sign he signs it and sends me the email if there's a march to continue he's on the march very good. He's a politically involved kind of person, anyway, he runs a comedy club. This incident occurred about 12 years ago. He decided to put on a night of American stand-up comedy. It also turned out that there were three American stand-up comedians in London on the same weekend.

Well, so he decided well. instead of just reserving one of them, they're booked out, all three of them will make it like a themed evening like the 4th of July, there will be hot dogs and Budweiser and whatever, it would be fun for everyone to come to the evening, there's like 300 people. at the club and he is very excited about it. The first one on stage is a black American comedian from New York City and he does what I would call an Uncle Tom routine if you're not familiar with the terminology. that means he did a racist routine, all his jokes were based on negative racist stereotypes, he got away with it, he was a very charismatic performer, he was very handsome, but the material was terrible, I mean at best, It was a white man's Drive. like there were some black guys driving nonsense like that, poorly observed nonsense, at worst it was stuff that would give you goosebumps, okay, he got away with it that night, got a big round of applause at the end of about half an hour and I walked back to the green room of the club and my partner came in behind him and approached him and said: I want a word.

They'll pay you for tonight's concert. There's no problem with that, but you wouldn't be welcome back. my club tells those kinds of jokes I think it's racist I think it's wrong I don't think it's okay for you to tell racist jokes just because you're a black man I think if anything you should know better I think it denigrates the struggle of African-American people and you can never say that no one has told you because I'm telling you right now it's racist and it's wrong and the comedian when I agree when you're right you're right but I the other black comic that I haven't been in yet I'm sorry, Jimmy Carpenter, what did, you get one chance and a couple of quick things, sometimes if I buy a girl a drink after the

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she gets the wrong idea, she thinks I'm just a nice guy behind her drink no no no who's coming out next From this who will come out tonight your paths well, I have nothing but admiration, I mean, well done, but I can't wait to get home to go to bed.

I've had a wonderful night. I really enjoyed talking to you but I want to go to sleep now. I've reached an age where I talk about sleep like I used to talk about sex. You should have seen me last night. I was active for eight hours. five to pull down the sheets blackout blinds everything but small on the snooze button didn't know what hit it good, let's break down some difficult things it's that time of night I'll tell you a couple of jokes that Channel Four told me were not acceptable it's the tsunami week remember the tsunami all I wanted to say was that the tsunami was terrible Tokyo was covered in raw fish and seaweed a situation the mayor described as delicious could be ruthless said two richer why did you do it because that would have been bred aces of eel that had something similar with Hurricane Sandy, remember Hurricane Sandy that devastated the east coast of the United States.

All I wanted to say was that it was the worst thing to hit New York since those two planes possibly got that paper problem right as a joke. once a year obviously, last year I went rogue. I tend to get in trouble for a joke with a journalist. once a year, last year, the joke that got me in trouble with the reporters was this, you probably remember it from the last show why they called. Sunshine variety trainers, all the kids on board will look the same and do a lot of heavy lifting in that joke, right, it's not that bad.

The journalist in question says that you can't say that about children's time out because Variety is the children's charity. They do a great job, they do a last job with mentally disadvantaged children, but they also do a lot of things with physically disadvantaged children and socially disadvantaged children, you can't group all those children into one group of children, you can't call anyone children. . you're a journalist you should know better and in my opinion also being offended on someone else's behalf is that real Farkle, it's just you taking the moral high ground to be offended. I think at the very least you have to be the one who gets offended.

If you were really offended by that last joke, while we're talking about charitable things, when you leave tonight there will be a bucket drive, there will be people with buckets and cans and I'll just tell you briefly what it's about. Tonight we are raising money for abused children and if we raise just 500 pounds between us we can buy their silence, that is clearly a joke. The reason I say it's clearly a joke is because I did a gig in Croydon a couple of months ago and The Woman actually came up to me on the show and asked me where those tents are.

I'll just pick that for a second, so now he didn't realize it was a joke. I wanted to help. Anyone who isn't offended by anything I've said? You're totally into a Fender, you buy anything, what's your name, Mr. Practical? It is not a common name. You don't hear that every day. I imagine you do. Names? How did it go? Royal Holloway, well maybe if it worked a little harder for your A levels, just say it, Royal Holloway ain't it. I mean, come on, there are universities that have always been universities, they were universities, they used to be polytechnics that then became universities and then there is.

Royal Holloway, which I think used to be a 24 hour garage, weren't we there? God love you, little, trying to venture out, when I was at school, in mind, my classmate was caught masturbating in the showers, no good, ruined the school trip to Auschwitz has more princes than that devil to talk about the worst thing he's ever done past. I can say you're a more offensive joke than that, but I can't tell you a story about myself that will change your mind about me and then change it. go back George won't hear it well, it's about him basically telling you what it's like to be famous, what it's like when people ask you to do things and it's good to say yes, because usually they're fun things that you want to live up to, Yeah.

Yes, you want to do it, you think so, I want to come visit a hospice, their palliative care for adolescents. Yes I want. I got that call about six years ago. I said yes, I'll go. I did not know that. some of those words meant it sounds good teenagers, I imagine it will be fun now it turns out palliative translates as die and I found myself in a situation where, while I had a girl, I said: I will go and I thought this will be like this. I'm going to be but I said I'm going so I'll go so I went there with very low expectations.

I thought I'll be lucky to get through this without crying. I went there. I was really going to come to believe what I am. because it was really inspiring. It was great to go if you get the chance to visit a hospice. Go to hospice. They're amazing because I don't know what inspires you, but I like the idea of ​​carpe diem living in the moment and now being in the place. Happiness is and if you know teenagers with limitations in life, they have it because they are aware of how precious time is and I think we often forget that in our everyday lives, so it was amazing to go and be around and be.

I've been back many times since then and would recommend it as something to do, it's veryfun, they don't read locked up, you won't be part of society. What stunned me when I went was an incident, so if I go out. have a coffee before the show if I go to Starbucks obviously my favorite coffee shop, but if I go out to have a coffee before the show there is just a group of fifteen year old girls in the coffee shop with whom they will be very flirting I don't because I'm a super guy attractive, but because I'm a celebrity and celebrity has prestige in our society, for better or worse, it's just a fact, so I'm used to that kind of flirting in that context.

I didn't expect it in the context of palliative care for adolescents in a hospice. There's a girl there who just turned 15. She's a very pretty little thing and she's a big comedy fan. She had all the DVDs, she watched everything on YouTube and she liked it a lot. She was very flirtatious and very tactile and I thought all she wanted was a kiss and I thought, well, where's the harm? She's going to be dead before she can testify. I can see you think that's bad. I can't make it worse with just two words. it's a true story it's a true story turns out it's a different Jimmy thank you so much for coming while we say five correct final thoughts if Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying unnecessarily from AIDS