Hero Dog Press Conference - SNL

YOU'RE WATCHING C-SPAN. AT MIDNIGHT, BETO O'ROURKE LOWERS THE SLEEVES OF HIS SHIRT IN DEFEAT. BUT FIRST WE GO LIVE TO A PRESS CONFERENCE AT THE WHITE HOUSE WITH KELLYANNE CONWAY. WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON. HELLO EVERYONE. IT'S ME, KELLYANNE CONWAY. AND IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IN SEVEN DAYS. MMM-KAY, AND AS YOU'VE PROBABLY NOTICED, THE WHITE HOUSE HASN'T HOLD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN EIGHT MONTHS. WE HAVE KEPT THE PRESS SECRETARY HIDDEN BECAUSE OUR PREVIOUS ONE WERE MOCKED, HUMILIATED AND FORCED TO RECOVER THEIR DIGNITY ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS." MMM-KAY, BUT TODAY I AM HERE TO CELEBRATE BECAUSE WE HAVE KILLED THE LEADER OF ISIS, WHICH ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION MEANS THAT THE IMPEACHMENT CAN NO LONGER LEGALLY ADVANCE.

MMM-KAY, AND NOW IT IS A PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST. THE HERO WHO DEFEATED THE LEADER OF ISIS, CONAN THE K9 COMMAND. MMM-KAY, AND HE'S JOINED BY SPECIAL FORCES K9 PERFORMER DANA GRAM. HELLO. AND CAN YOU TRANSLATE EVERYTHING THE DOG SAYS? THAT'S CORRECT. I HAVE A MASTER'S DEGREE IN LINGUISTICS FROM DR. DOLITTLE UNIVERSITY. AND CONAN, THANK YOU FOR COMING TODAY. RIGHT. WELL. HE'S SAYING, "THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE, KELLYANNE." MMM-KAY, AND YOU HAVE THE FLOOR. THAT BLINKING MEANS HE CAN'T WAIT TO LICK IT. MMM-KAY. ALL RIGHT, LET'S ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS AND CONAN IS GOING TO MEET WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION IN SYRIA.

You, madam? HELLO CONAN, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. "IT IS MY HONOR, I DO THIS JOB FOR TWO REASONS: ONE, I LOVE MY COUNTRY, AND TWO, BELLY RUB." YES, I JUST WANTED TO ASK, WHO IS A GOOD BOY? YOU ARE A GOOD BOY? ARE YOU MY GOOD BOY? "SERIOUSLY, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, I'M A TRAINED MILITARY ASSASSIN, NOT A BASIC LABRADOODLE." YOU ARE RIGHT, I apologize. "APOLOGY ACCEPTED." YOU SIR. YES, YOU WERE INVOLVED IN A TERRORIST RAID. Did that scare you? "A LITTLE, SURE, THE TERRORISTS HAD GUNS AND EXPLOSIVES BUT AT LEAST THEY DON'T HAVE VACUUM CLEANERS.

YOU, MA'AM? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GET ALL THE CREDIT FOR KILLING BAGHDADI? RIGHT? "HONESTLY, IT WAS A TEAM EFFORT FROM DAY ONE. AND HOW HAS YOUR LIFE CHANGED NOW THAT YOU ARE A HERO? "HONESTLY, I'M DROWNING IN BITCHES." WHAT DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE'S CALL FORWARD? "I THINK WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHO THE FRONT IS BECAUSE THAT SOUND IS DRIVING HIM CRAZY." NEXT QUESTION PLEASE. WAIT, I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO TAKE A SIP OF WATER, I THINK. YOU, MADAM. I WAS JUST ON DOG TWITTER AND READING SOME STORIES ABOUT YOU. ARE ANY OF THEM TRUE?

SAYS: "I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING. TEN YEARS AGO AT A HALLOWEEN PARTY I DRESSED LIKE A CAT. I DIDN'T WANT TO APPROPRIATE THE FINE CULTURE OR MAKE A CAT FACE. I ALSO APOLOGIZED FOR THE LAST HALLOWEEN WHEN I DRESSED LIKE A LAB OF CHOCOLATE." FINE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE VIDEO OF YOURS THAT JUST CAME OUT? "OH RIGHT, THERE'S A VIDEO OF ME BAKING AT A BLACKMAILER. I SWEAR IT WAS NOT ABOUT RACE. BECAUSE I DON'T SEE COLOR. I'M LITERALLY COLOR BLIND. OH, AND EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST 12 YEARS I'VE FUCKED SOMEONE'S LEG WITHOUT CONSENT FOR THAT I APOLOGIZE." IF I COULD ASK A SILLY QUESTION, WHO DO YOU THINK WON HALLOWEEN? "FOR ME HEIDI KLUM ALWAYS WINS HALLOWEEN BUT THIS YEAR I HAVE TO GO WITH KYLIE JENNER, SHE BECOMES MARILYN.

AND SPEAKING OF COSTUMES WHAT IS THIS FAKE JANKY MEDAL THAT THE PRESIDENT PUT ON MY NECK, IT HAS A PHOTO OF ONE LEG YOU DON'T GIVE HUMANS A MEDAL WITH ONE FOOT." "ANYWAY, THAT'S MY TIME, GOD BLESS AMERICA, SCOOTER, IF YOU'RE WATCHING, DADDY LOVES YOU, NOW GO TO BED. AND THE SAME GOES FOR PICKLE, ROCKET, BILLY, SHAMROCK." THANK YOU VERY MUCH CONAN. WE ALSO HAVE A HUMAN WHO WAS INVOLVED IN THE RAID. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR HIM? WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. YES, AND THANK YOU ALL. NOW THIS DOG HAS TO GO FIND PRESIDENT TRUMP AND THEN HE HAS TO WITNESS AGAINST PRESIDENT TRUMP.

HE WAS ALSO ON THE UKRAINE CALL. MMM-OK, GOOD NIGHT.