6 Lies From Childhood Trauma

Hello everyone, welcome back to the channel. I'm Patrick Thien Lacsw, so in this video I'm going to talk about six unspoken

lies

about

childhood

trauma

that children experience growing up in toxic fami

lies

. I think these lies are still a big problem. part of our subconscious and how they play a role in how we feel, how we react and the ways in which we are currently stuck in some places and rather than explain too much what I mean by

childhood

trauma

lies is that you will see as I go . In this list of what I mean in each one, as we go on, you can simply think of these lies as beliefs that can affect survivors of childhood trauma and when we really look at them closer, we really see that they are not really true. or if even rate them so if you are new to me or new to the channel welcome if you like this video you can press some buttons at the end of the video like subscribe button you can't miss any of the buttons and If this channel is helpful for you and your recovery.

You can consider the work being done on the channel by supporting me on Patreon. Please note that at this stage of the channel I do not accept any sponsorship nor do I have any third parties. Parties are held so I don't ruin things for viewers like you, and if you want to connect with me or see my work on the childhood trauma e-course, you can do so on my website and I'll have it all. the links in the description and below in this video, so let's dive in, they are not listed in importance or severity and keep in mind that some of these could be triggering for you or could be heavy, just FYI, so the first one in the list is the number. six is ​​the real you is not acceptable this lie is rooted in authenticity and becoming real or becoming who we are meant to be because many of those things are lost as we grow up and you may have this lie if you experience any of the after being able to change or integrate into many social situations almost like a chameleon, but it's not like a skill, but it's not really good, it's a kind of skill that makes us feel weird about how we can get in and out of those situations. the things that are about each other are strange, it is adopting other people's vibes or characters or even their mannerisms, there are others who are stuck in a career that is not really for you, it is very important, I receive a lot from my clients, other .

It is spending a lot of energy observing what you say for fear of the reactions of others, such as reactions of abandonment, that is another, one is always violating the choices of others, like if you want pizza or if you are like you choose and never take . that risk and taking and pulling the trigger on those things another is spending a lot of energy covering up what happened to you or what your family system is like another is too worried about what other people might think of you another feels stuck exploring this is Very importantly, feeling stuck in exploring things like writing, art, or music, something you're really drawn to, but feeling terrified about what that will look like if you get into it.

Another is that you might even have a hard time knowing that you don't know what your true identity or your real personality is which is fine, you know that happens given what our childhood was like now let's see what it would be like for those to still happen what could be some origins of childhood trauma about why those things that we might be experiencing those things first, one is having a parent who lived that lie and was not authentic, another is having parents who are too focused on appearances, like the family that looks good on the role of another video, the seven to seven types of toxic family systems another is experiencing constant criticism and shame about your schoolwork your interest your friends all that another is having to placate people or sue the toxic parent who is great another is having to give up things or your voice for the sake of toxic a family like making waves would have caused so much drama, it wouldn't have been safe, it's another to have parents who lived safe and sad lives, I know that's strange, but parents who They lived mediocre lives they didn't criticize them, but these are people who wouldn't take the risk, you'll probably struggle with authenticity when you have parents like that or that's what was modeled, another is big, having narcissistic parents who modeled false and toxic authenticity, it HE.

That's like an oxymoron, but this is the father who was in public all the time and people got involved or enjoyed it, but this father was different at home. Look, authenticity is about being consistent or being confident or being the real person, a lot of things get messed up with this one, so if we grow up without anyone being truly authentic, then of course we'll have trouble being real or feeling comfortable with who we are, people in society have a mask. We all know this, but I think we are taught how to wear these masks in our family because of what is modeled for us.

An inner child journal exercise. One task for this is to ask your inner child who you imagine you are. It comes to mind if you close your eyes to pause the video and ask that question. What emerges is that much of our identity was formed around toxic people, so children will need a lot of help to safely become who they are. opera operative where we have to become who we are in a safe environment, not the way it originally happened, so the opposite of this lie is something like it is now safe to be you and find out who you really are, as you opposite to this. lie, so there's that lie, so moving on to the next one is number five.

Good things won't last. This lie is about not being fully present in our lives and when we get to the roots of childhood trauma about lying, this will do so much more. Understand what I mean by this, good things will not last, it is a lie that could be affecting you if you have any of the following things happening, you live in constant fear of being fired from your job, which is so great that many of my clients complain another is worrying about their partner leaving them always having that in the back of their mind another is overly worried about the things they buy getting damaged or worn out I know that sounds really super specific but you can see what I mean by good things won't last, another is finding friends and then not interacting with them for fear of losing them or losing them, I know that sounds weird too, another is waiting for the other shoe to drop. this is very common, especially if things are going well, that's when it really comes up, this is how we do it, another is having a constant nagging feeling that something will be taken away from you, pets, friends, if you have children you fear that will happen .

It can happen too and that goes beyond a reasonable and healthy worry about losing those close to us, another is feeling that conflict with your partner or someone else is just around the corner, it is inevitable, so now Let's look at some of the reasons why you might struggle with this from childhood. One is growing up with a parent who lived this lie more caught up in the possibility of losing things than in being present. Another is growing up where your belongings never were. respected or there was no justice in how your belongings were treated by parents um and you know things often got ruined, another one is growing up where there was chaos and it went from a somewhat peaceful experience to a zero to ninety disaster, like a angry father returning home or a drunk father. coming home that would really break the piece, another is to have a parent who will have all these sudden emotional outbursts or abusive attacks towards you or other family members, another is to literally have things taken away from your childhood, school or friends I liked it because of a move, the loss of a pet without any process around it, a bad divorce, or having a golden child sibling who got all the resources like time, money, and attention.

That's what I mean by one and the other is having a family where one. One member constantly ruined things for others like a misbehaving sibling or an alcoholic parent or a misbehaving parent and another is experiencing the loss of a family member or is being adopted even without receiving any real help when I was a child and process that and when we consider them. The examples I just listed make a lot of sense why and if you are on the lookout for losses or things that don't last and of course you know that we are governed by this, but what would it be like if this lie was no longer in this light?

It didn't run on us anymore and if it was healed, you know how to be fully present in a relationship and be loving without fear of losing it, it's almost like some kind of spiritual existence or something and it's funny, but it's actually interesting. About this, all things end, I know that's sad, but I know that as trauma survivors we are so pessimistic about loss that we never fully enjoy what's in front of us, the activity in front of us, or the person that we have in front of us. Many of us are so attached to the experience of losing when we need to be more attached to the experience of experiencing others.

Imagine if we could develop healthy and wise letting go. I'll tell you a story about this one. My son was a toddler and, as a new father, he had a lot of anxiety about his safety, outside of the normal protective concern of a new father, which is still huge. You won't be terrified if you have a child for his safety. and I was convinced that something was going to happen to him like an abduction or something and I didn't care how safe things were, that fear was running in the back of my mind and it actually went away when a wise friend said For me, well, Patrick, that's the cost of loving someone so much, is that you care about them and for some reason that blew my mind and totally normalized this fear, almost like it left me emotionally sober because I was so excited about losing them or the pain. that I wasn't taking into account that of course that's the cost of being a parent and loving them and that completely normalized it for me which still blows my mind so moving forward what would it be like if we just did our jobs? at work and we weren't all that nervous or worried about getting fired, um, about things going terribly wrong, what if we didn't have that in mind?

Thinking of relief as an inner child exercise which is for our adult to discuss the things we missed growing up and educating the inner child about normalizing things like if we lost our job or left it then what is just a job and Did we get this confirmation that we are hireable? We have a job to start, who can say? We won't really get another one, we are valuable, well, you know, we got a job once and we will get another one again. Boarding children. What I mean is that inner children think in absolutes, always, never, never going to happen and the opposite.

This lie is something like I can be present for what I have and I can also be present for what I could lose. That's a bit of a mental twist, but spend some time on it, so moving on to number four isn't enough. This lie that you are not enough can look like any of the following: Thinking that a toxic partner would change if they cared more about you. This is actually a projection of one or both of our parents onto a toxic person and it is a big One and another is explaining all situations in dynamics through a lens that you are less than you didn't get the job or you didn't. you got invited or you didn't get the social circle you wanted or not getting someone's text because you're younger than when that's not true, another is a background assumption that even strangers don't like you, I know that sounds weird , but like in a coffee shop or a grocery store reading that everyone is indifferent to you when they have their own thoughts and their own things about someone else is feeling like your family system would be different if you were a better person, I know that's one, but it's actually a common thing, to have another is to have a strategy to go above and beyond in relationships or at work just to be acceptable like it's a rock star rocket scientist mentality, you have to be so high just to be people tolerate you, that's huge, the other one has to be a chameleon because the real you is not good enough in relation to the first one we talked about and now let's see how they might have been evident growing up in childhood, one is being neglected and not seen or valued as a child and that is like the father.

Parental indifference or having disinterested parents is that they are actually abusing their children by being disinterested because it affects our children's self-esteem so much. The indirect message that is not said but is implied is that you are not enough. , another is being abused physically or emotionally or Sexually, children begin to think that if they were better or more lovable or just simple enough, then the abuse would not occur from that parent, which is that many of these are lies that children have to invent to survive, noit is always a lie that is told directly another is being the scapegoat child and seeing what you see you begin to see that others are more valuable than others they are enough but we are not enough for each other it is not being able to affect a parent to treat you best and what does that mean like effective related to the first item on this list is if we can affect our parents through our cool drawing or being nice or being whatever, then they might see us or change or change, that's what It means to affect someone and generally if the father is toxic, the children do not affect them, another thing is, as I have mentioned in other videos, being parentified or trying to solve big adult problems, such as healing an abused father, healing a depressed parent, fixing a marriage or fixing a victimized parent and not being able to change that tragedy.

What is happening is huge and you can see that if we are trying to fix this impossible situation when we are children, we grow up and become adults thinking that we are not good enough to make things happen, it is because we were really prepared for it. Impossible things happened. That's especially true if you struggle with codependency or caring or assuming as an empath or a highly sensitive person assuming all these things about people, that's what I mean by the ideology of that or the origins of that other is growing. Stand up and say that looks good on paper, a family where the bar for achievement was so high and ridiculously high that you're never really seen or appreciated, even if you think you're amazing at school and amazing all these things, all those things are really something like that.

In vain, with that it happens, so a child usually assumes the lie here to make sense of how he is being treated or his situation or how he is being raised. What would recovery from this lie be like? Well, first is to get real about the abuse of worth or self-esteem and make the subconscious aware of where our negative self-esteem actually comes from, like the list I just gave and the one below, when I work with clients, you know they tend to miss those kids. They're totally worth it to begin with, they're enough just because they're in your family, your parents' lives, you know, how can anyone not just be in awe of the creation that their child means, it definitely was?

Weren't they our parents? So lastly I have my clients work on re-raising their inner child to fight these ingrained lies. This can be difficult when we get excited and feel like we are not enough at work or with our partner. I have my clients work with their inner child to remind them that it was true that when they were children they were told that or that they didn't feel like they were enough because of the family system, but in the present it is very different. I also work with them. Teaching them to give their inner child loving feedback, affirmations and self-love doesn't really work unless we do it in the context of our childhood abuse, so what I mean by this is that I ask the client to let the inner child speak. about how they didn't feel good enough growing up and the reasons why then the adult needs to take ownership of the present and explain it, but you know we do an amazing job at work, but you know we're a really good boyfriend girlfriend. or whatever we're good enough this way we're good enough that way I think we're just feeling our childhood is that it's an ongoing battle because the inner children have a death grip on these lives and these beliefs and it's a process to to really help this little inner child change his mind about things, but we can't just say you're good enough, you're amazing, you're adorable, we can't, that's never going to work unless we can. talk about childhood or the context in the way that these things were ruined, so I hope that makes sense to you, um, the complete opposite of this, you know they're not enough, they're a gift, okay, so the number three is sexual, you are bad.

Sex is bad, I'm arguing a lot here on this one, so bear with me, in addition to sex, I'm also going to take into account things like our gender and our relationship with touch and affection, so you know that sex is often A big part of our lives and childhood trauma really ruins all of that, even if we don't experience direct sexual abuse, sexual attitudes in the childhood home will greatly affect a child and this lie here manifests itself in any of the following ways if you are ashamed. or problems with any of the following topics and before we get into them, please don't confuse them with me making moral judgments about you or your lifestyle or about me in general, that would be like inciting you to lie to begin with, if you do out.

When judging these sex-related problems, my attitude is of course that we have these problems and maybe they are not really problems, maybe a lot of them are normal, so here is the list of things: Worry about being too sexualized or being too worried about sex. about having a sex drive or libido that is too low or too high, another identifies as asexual but feels ashamed about it. Being asexual is not bad. Another is experiencing sex as an exchange and not a mutually shared experience, that's kind of a clue to this. One of the other doesn't like to be touched or being too focused on or um or being too focused on touch or being too needy around touch, I know that's a lot, another is too caught up in being a good lover or being too caught up in acting, another is putting all our self-esteem in our sexuality, as I mean everything, and another does not like some aspects of our gender or our gender in general and before explaining the possible roots of the trauma, the best way For me, explaining the effects of this lie is with a hypothesis.

I'd like you to think about it to pick a problem you might have around sex or your gender or a touch and think about what that would be like. I know it's a strange hypothesis yes. You went to your parents and you talked to them about it, like you bring it up, what would their reaction be and that's what I mean by this lie, that's the clearest way I can explain it, is what our um would be like, what would your parents say? parents. if you identify as gay asexual, bi or trans or what would they say if you approached them with concerns about being too sexualized and putting all your value out there, think about how they would react, what would they say, what would they say if you said it?

It was traumatic for them to shame you for your gender or your body or to miss how obvious it was that you weren't born or were born in the wrong body and it wasn't safe to talk about it with them. I know it's a crazy hypothetical. and it's not even really safe, but I think your parents' toxic reaction is what this lie is really about. Chances are, your response is so shaming and narrow-minded, in such an abusive and toxic way that that's what I'm talking about here and I also want to say that you may have grown up with statements like don't be a man. typical like your father or just use that or you're like your mother you're a manipulator or you don't have an ass or uh of course you're a child don't be stupid you can't use that um those are all like abusive phrases about sexual abuse because it's an assault on gender, it's an assault on sexuality and kids get very confused and all that stuff, so I know there are some difficult scenarios that are at the root of this, so here are some of them that they grew up with sexually opposite parents who did not protect children from adult sexual themes such as pornography who grew up in a sexual vacuum. where parents did not have a sexual life or did not talk about it, did not express any of that or growing up with abuse around gender, like characters who murder your gender or shame you for what you were attracted to another is to be sexually abused and without receiving help outside the family within the family another is contact and affection destroyed by poor boundaries or manipulation another feels like you have no limits or protection another is the family obsessed with conservative or even fundamentalist norms religion that erases a sexual existence, another is the inappropriate comments about your body like I mentioned before or your development so of course we need to go on a sexual healing journey to reconcile a lot of these things if we experience them and of course we have some. problems and complexes around sex the best healing advice I have around the topic of sexuality is to develop a mantra of I am a healthy sexual, fill in the blank asexual trans woman man add some adjectives like fabulous or amazing and start doing something like that. live that as a way to fight against it and again, as I mentioned before, a statement like that won't make much sense unless it's in the context of the abuse that we experienced.

You know, an example like I'm a healthy non-sexual. -The binary creative human is very different from what the family would label us and that's what I mean by that or I'm a healthy sexual man, I'm a healthy sexual woman, whatever, I think you get the point, work on it. embrace. What you know to be true about yourself and you like with the example above, I teach that I teach clients to talk to their inner child and yes we can talk to our inner child about gender and sex and playing that mantra will work well if I speak of it again in the context of the toxic family system that abuses us around sex and gender and the contact I find with childhood trauma when we spend a lot of time, even working on general shame, usually emerges as a kind of sexual healing or a kind of sexual healing. like reconciliation and finally, the opposite of this lie is that I am a healthy sexual person.

Fill in the blanks and that's what I mean by number three and move on to number two. People don't want to know you. This lie is really about not feeling meaning. of belonging and we tend to confirm that sense through our own type of data collection or our own behavior and you'll see what I mean by this, you might struggle with this if you experience any of the following experiences that you constantly compare yourself to. others your relationships your status your ability and things your family other has a tendency to isolate which is another the other people tend to wear you down I know that sounds a little strange but related to the one of authenticity or authenticity is wearing a mask is a bit exhausting or having to hide the real ones, so when we're in social situations like work or a party or whatever, it exhausts us because it's like we're not sure we're ourselves, so we have to be. this we can be really extra in those situations it takes energy to be extra another is that connecting with others or taking social risks are very important to you um going to a party takes a lot out of you another is looking for ways to confirm not being connected like see, no they included me in this or they didn't include me in the conversation when I came in we are looking to confirm that data about the lie that another only relates to people in one way through similar people complacency or negativity or just knowing how to surf to protect yourself like being oriented surface or um, I think you know what I mean, another constantly feels like you're outside watching the rest of the world having fun, that's definitely This will come from trauma, so now let's look at how these might have been evident in childhood since I was a child.

One is being neglected and growing up without help being in social situations or having friends. Another has parents who had no friends. who had no life, no sense of community, no place, another lives in a shameful system and really outside of family, as if you grew up in a cult or if you grew up in an alcoholic family, which is something like a cult or fundamentalist type church experience that can really do this to others is being scapegoated and assuming that how people feel about you is the same as how people feel about you at home, that people don't really want Know what you really like. at school it's like we're really talking about shame underneath things, another one is growing up in chaos where there are multiple movements where there were no consistent relationships or friendships and like with others, so when you think about when we go through that list So , of course, we have problems like this, of course, it's hard for us to put ourselves out there, and of course, there's a self-fulfilling prophecy in the way we are in the world coming from our family system, you know, and maybe.

You haven't found the right circle yet, this right circle of people, but I always coach my clients that you're probably going to get along with people a lot better if those people experience what you experience growing up. I think many of us spend a lot. of time of just trying to be normal and trying to be normal with other people, which we don't, I don't think that really works, I mean, believe me, I tried if we try to conform to what we think. What normal people do or what they are will still feel like we're on the outside looking in,so that's what I mean by that, the idea of ​​recovery in this case is about taking risks, people won't know us until we take more risks and understand. that that is a process to find is a process to find like-minded people or friends.

Another great recovery tip is that rejection can also be seen as protection when it comes to that type of process and what I mean by that is, um, I think a lot of trauma survivors just wanted to be acceptable, not all, but a lot of us. Of us wanted to be popular, we wanted to fit in, we wanted to fit in with people at work and whatever, and we tend to just look at things from that point. tunnel vision lens, but you know, in some ways, we're not included in those things, it's like we're protected in the sense that we might not see that those people might be toxic or that situation might not be good for us, so that's it.

What I mean by that and the opposite of this lie is that people won't know me unless I take a risk and we can have a dialogue with the inner child about it, so lastly, this is the big number one, is the lie That Love is not real, the last one here is very deep if you have this lie in your subconscious or if the inner child is worried about it, like the background of a refrigerator hum, something that you know is more or less the same. You might look like you have to reserve the feeling that your partner will eventually cheat on you or leave or both.

Others seeing happy couples can make you feel disgusted or skeptical. Others feel that at any moment someone close to you is going to alienate you or tell you what it's really like. How someone else feels about you is staying in relationships that are beneath you because you don't believe you can get the love you really want in the world, so this is the best you have, that's a common trap. looking for evidence that love is, in fact, a fake thing, like see, you know they broke up, another is growing up in the anti-love family, another is expressing love, it may make you nauseous or disgusted, that's another common theme that my clients could talk.

For those who are really reserved with expressions of love, they really feel grossed out if they have to express it, that tells us a lot about something that happened in their childhood about the expression of love and these might be right for you if you grew up in either of the following situations parents who divorced parents who should have divorced I'm not saying divorce is bad um experiencing infidelity um I'm trying to say infidelity in the parental system another is the loss of a parent or loss of the good parent, which It's difficult, another is being adopted, another is parents whose marriage was a toxic power struggle and what I mean by that is like the model out there, that's what love is like, this really miserable long-term fight. the years, which is a really heartbreaking and really toxic model when we think about it, another is parents who expressed love to you but did not back it up with phrases of loving behavior like you know your father loves you I love you you can do anything In the world , I don't think you can do that, you know, it's like there's a huge contradiction in what they express and how they really are with you and that's really confusing when you really break it down. another is parents who feel deeply miserable and heartbroken, like when you experience a parent who was really beaten up by life and their love life was a disaster, which can really be in the mix of this lie, depending especially Whether the father would be doing something to prevent it, most likely no one else is seeing a father who lived this lie, another is that when he was a child he could not influence his father to treat him better as I mentioned before, another is expressions. of love that felt manipulative or disgusting probably because they were in some way and like everyone else in the love lie recovery article, it's about really focusing on how you destroyed yourself, so I challenge my clients who have this to look for love in the world.

To get evidence of love in the world instead of confirming that love is not real or even a sure thing, I often have clients who are struggling with their own family life or struggling to find a partner or struggling with this issue of love. Really, I'll ask you what comes up when you see a family with a stroller or something or a couple who seems to be in love or enjoying each other or just sends you the feeling that something nice is happening. I would challenge you to say take that as something that I know is its face value, but take it as evidence that there could be love in the world because again, as the inner child has a death grip on these beliefs, the inner child It's like not.

It doesn't work, it doesn't work for me, I think it's nonsense when I see it and in other places, so it's kind of a battle, you know, good things don't last. It's about being present for love and being available for it when we experience it, love is also about taking risks, so if you want a serious idea, close your eyes and ask your inner child, like we did before in the video , what he thinks about love, what he knows about it, you might get an answer. The answer is like a Disney fantasy, that is a common thing, you may have a very negative feeling that comes up and again you try not to judge it, it will make sense given the way you grew up, if you identify as growing up in childhood trauma in a toxic family system as a side note, if you are currently in a loveless relationship for example, that lie could be getting to you and the recovery piece is taking risks with your partner about this absence of love in the relationship and if that fails, You may need to consider couples therapy and if couples therapy fails, you may need to consider quitting.

This is what I mean by this lie of love. The opposite of this lie is something like that love is what we make of it, taking risks and choosing. people who are capable of it people who are capable of love, they might actually bully you when you meet them or they might feel like strangers to you and that's all because of childhood again, try not to judge that so there's the list guys , and to finish. If you realize these lies, I am referring to the ideas of recovery that are about questioning what you really value. I think we all need to explore what we value because it is totally different from what we learned from our parents growing up or from our family system. valued, but we are still stuck with that childhood conditioning in those toxic values, so this is what I mean by this value for the number six.

Do you value authenticity instead of moving on to get along? For number five. Do we value being present instead of worrying about ourselves? Will we lose something or someone for number four? Do we value the concept of having something to offer and being valuable to the world? Do we really value that for number three? Do we value building the sex life we ​​want as opposed to our sex life and our sexual identity fading for number two, do we really value the idea of ​​being known by others? why is it scary? and for number one, we value love, whether it be self-love with our inner child, love with a partner, love with our own children. in our community, so that's what I mean by those values ​​when really it's almost like the questions sober us up, like we really have a lie that love isn't real or whatever, if you were talking about love with a real four. -years old, would you say to the four-year-old child? ah it's not real I'll just kick your ass for life we ​​wouldn't do that so if we wouldn't do it because we have a kind of courage around it so my mentor, mentor curtin, often talks about: would you say that to a child?

Would you say these heartbroken things to a child so as not to break their heart, but almost think about are they really right, are you really right? It's not safe, that's what I mean by those things, so that's the list. I hope it has been useful to you and, as always, that you are full of loving kindness, that you are well, that you are at peace and at ease and that you are happy. I'll see it. you next time