Vietnam Survivor Stories | SDPB Documentary

UNITED AT THAT MOMENT. I FELT SO STRONG ABOUT THAT, THAT I STAYED AND, AFTER MY TIME WAS UP, MY TOUR WAS OVER, I STAYED FOR ANOTHER TOUR THERE. NARRATOR: THE SUDDEN ADJUSTMENT OF COMBAT SOLDIERS TO CIVILIANS WAS A SURREAL EXPERIENCE FOR MANY RETURNED TROOPS. ON A PROCESS PLANE ME AND ANOTHER MAN, AND I THINK IT WAS LOADED WITH COFFINS OF DEAD BODIES, JUST THE CONFIGURATION, AND IT TOOK US LIKE 27 HOURS TO FLY OVER THE OCEAN. WEStopped halfway, had breakfast there, and then met up in Long Beach, where, a day later, I was a civilian. IT WAS...

A VERY DIFFICULT ADJUSTMENT. I ACTUALLY RETURNED ON DECEMBER 10, 1965 AND WE DID NOT GET A VERY GOOD GREETING WHEN WE ARRIVED IN CALIFORNIA. THE PEOPLE WERE PRETTY HOSTILE TO US. ACTUALLY, IF WE WENT OUT ON THE STREET IN OAKLAND, THEY DIDN'T APPRECIATE US AT ALL. OTHER THAN THAT, WHEN I ARRIVED IN MY HOME STATE OF NORTH DAKOTA, THEY TREATED ME VERY WELL. THE UNIFORM WAS THE SYMBOL OF EVERYTHING ANTI-WAR PEOPLE HATED, AND THEY JUST ASSOCIATE THE UNIFORM WITH, YOU KNOW, THE STAMPING BOOT, AND THEY COULD NOT SEPARATE THE PEOPLE WITH THE UNIFORM FROM THE UNIFORM. I WENT INTO A RESTAURANT, AND THAT WAS - WHEN I WENT THROUGH THE CROWD OF PROTESTING PEOPLE WHEN I CAME BACK, AND I WENT INTO A RESTAURANT.

AND THE LADY HAD KNOWN ME ALL MY LIFE, SHE SAID, "OH, ARE YOU GONE?" You know, they had no idea what was going on there. IT DIDN'T INVOLVED THEM. IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE A SON OR A BROTHER OR WHATEVER THERE DID NOT CARE. THEY DID NOT CARE. THAT'S THE TRUTH. I WAS STANDING ON THE CORNER OF THE STREET WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE, AND WE COULD TRAVEL FOR HALF PRICE IF WE WORE OUR UNIFORMS ON AIRLINES, BUSES OR WHATEVER. AT THAT TIME WE WERE ALLOWED TO RIDE FOR HALF PRICE, SO I HAD MY UNIFORM ON AND WHILE WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE, TO MY RIGHT, AN INTERSIDE COMES, AND THERE WAS A GROUP OF YOUNG PEOPLE WHO CAME THERE, ACROSS THE STREET , while I was standing there, and they were... there were three young men and one young woman who came up and approached me, she was calling me names, different types of things, so I didn't really do it.

YOU KNOW, I BOTHERED YOU A LOT ABOUT THAT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, NOT THAT... BUT THEN SHE WALKED TOWARDS ME AND CAME AHEAD AND SPIT ON MY MEDALS AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A" -- IT WAS, YOU KNOW, PLAYING ME AND TELLING ME THAT HE WAS A BABY KILLER, AND HE DIDN'T DESERVE TO LIVE AND ALL THAT. So I got pretty upset about that, but there was a cop who was also there on the corner, and he was standing there, twirling his baton around, you know, so I walked up to him and said, "You know?" DO YOU THINK YOU COULD COME AND HELP ME A LITTLE WITH THIS SITUATION HERE?" I SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED IN THIS," AND HE SAID, "WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?" I SAID, "WELL, THESE YOUNG PEOPLE HERE ARE." ACTUALLY , I'M SURE THEY WERE OLDER THAN ME BUT THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE YOUNG.

I WAS AN OLD MAN AT THE TIME AND HE SAID, "WELL, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?" I SAID, "WELL, THEY'RE DISGRACING MY UNIFORM." HE SAID, " OH?" I SAID, YEAH, I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT, YOU KNOW? HE SAID, "WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT OFF, THEN?" I SAID, "NO, I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO DO THAT." THEN HE SAID "WELL, MAYBE IF YOU TOOK IT AWAY AND BURN IT, WE WOULD BE BETTER." SO THAT WAS THE LAST THING HE COULD SAY AT THAT TIME, SO WE HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE THERE, AND HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND I WENT TO JAIL, AND I WAS THERE FOR A FEW DAYS, TO SEE IF HE WAS HERE.

I guess he's going to live, and he did, for which I'm very grateful. THE MILITARY CAME AND TOOK ME OUT, AND THEN AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE, I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE. NO. I WANTED TO ASSOCIATE WITH NOBODY. I JUST, FOR YEARS, I STAYED ALONE, I WOULD NEVER GO ANYWHERE, OR BE IN CROWDS OR AROUND, YOU KNOW, AND I WASN'T, AND I LIVED VIRTUALLY MY ENTIRE LIFE FROM LIKE THIS TO, OH, SIX OR EIGHT YEARS. BACK. I COULD NOT SLEEP FOR TEN YEARS. YES, AND I... TO THIS DAY, I STILL CAN'T SLEEP IF MY SHOES ARE ON.

THEY HAVE TO BE OFF. IT'S... IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN. IF YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, YOU KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IS WELL, YOU ARE IN A GOOD AND SAFE PLACE, YOU KNOW IT. THINGS WERE DEFINITELY DIFFERENT BUT I REALLY MADE A QUICK ADJUSTMENT. I CAME STRAIGHT BACK TO FARMING, WHERE I WAS BEFORE WITH THE REST OF MY FAMILY, I MADE A QUICK ADJUSTMENT. I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER REGRET BEING THERE. THAT I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND, YOU KNOW, WHY WE WERE REJECTED - EVEN OUR OWN VETERANS ORGANIZATIONS, LEGION, V.F.W., WHEN WE CAME BACK, WE WERE REJECTED BY THOSE ORGANIZATIONS, AND I THINK - I THINK MAYBE, LIKE Now that I look back on it, we were rejected more by our own people, by our own veterans organizations than by the general public.

THE GENERAL PUBLIC THAT I KNEW, THAT I HAD EXPOSURE TO, THAT I RUN WITH, BUT THE VETERAN ORGANIZATIONS WERE MORE CONTENTIVE ABOUT IT THAN ANYONE, AND THEY SUSTAINED, I guess you would say: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WOULD SAY RENAISSANCE BUT YOU JUST HAD NO RESPECT FOR THE SOLDIERS. WHEN I GOT HOME, THEY DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING MORE ABOUT THAT. YOU KNOW, THEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE PROTESTING AND I SAID, ONLY IF WE COULD SEND THEM THERE TO THE FRONT LINE. AS A CITIZEN OF THIS COUNTRY, I HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO THIS COUNTRY AND FOR WHATEVER REASON, I ENDED UP IN THE MILITARY AND IT TELLS ME TO DO SOMETHING.

I DO NOT HAVE ANY OTHER OPTION. THE DECISIONS SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADE BEFORE ENTERING THE ARMY. YOU COULD HAVE GOED TO CANADA, YOU COULD HAVE DECIDED THAT YOU ARE A CONSCIOUS OBJECTOR, YOU COULD HAVE LEFT THE COUNTRY AND GO TO MEXICO OR ANYWHERE ELSE, BUT ONCE YOU ASSUMED THE OBLIGATION OF BEING A CITIZEN, WHY AM I BEING HARASSED BY THESE? BOZOS WHO DON'T LIKE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT IS DOING, AND I GOT A BIT ANNOYED WITH THOSE BOZOS. ♪♪ NARRATOR: MANY PEOPLE ADOPTED THEIR KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THE VIETNAM WAR THROUGH MOVIES AND TV SHOWS. I HAVE NOT SEEN A SINGLE VIETNAM ERA MOVIE, NONE.

I SAW IT. I'VE HAD TO SIT THROUGH TRAILERS, EVEN ON TV, YOU KNOW, SHOW YOU SCENES OF THEM AND EVERYTHING ELSE. AND I THINK THAT ALL THE PRODUCERS WHO MAKE FILMS ABOUT ANY WAR HAVE AN AGENDA, AND THAT'S WHY THEY ARE TRANSMITTING IT, WHETHER IT'S LIBERAL, WHETHER IT'S CONSERVATIVE, BUT IT'S WHAT THEY WANT, NOT WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. SO I HAVE NOT READ OR WATCHED ANY OF THE MOVIES. THERE ARE THINGS YOU GO THROUGH ARE NOT AT ALL LIKE THE MOVIES, AND I'VE READ SOME... SOME BOOKS THAT ARE SIMILAR. I REALLY DON'T THINK THEY REPORT WHAT REALLY HAPPENS.

THE DIFFICULTIES THAT THE GRUNTS GO THROUGH, AND I CALL THEM GRUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE THE GROUND TROOPS, THEY PORTRAY THE LEADERS AS HEROES AND THEY DO NOT REALLY REPRESENT THE GRUNTS WHAT THEY GO THROUGH. WHEN I RETURNED FROM VIETNAM AND -- And, I guess "M.A.S.H." GETTING OUT IN THE KOREAN WAR IN THE EARLY 70'S. THAT WAS ONE OF THE LAST MOVIES I SAW, ON THE PURPOSE, BECAUSE I JUST... I SAW TOO MUCH FICTION AND TOO MUCH HOLLYWOOD AND THEREFORE I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. I WATCHED SOME DOCUMENTARIES BUT THE REAL STORY WAS NOT GIVEN AND I BLAME THE MEDIA FOR THE INACCURACY OF THAT.

I DON'T KNOW ANYONE ON OUR TEAM WHO DOES DRUGS, AND YOU SEE IT ON TV AND THEY'RE ALWAYS CRAZED ON DRUGS, AND THE MEN I SERVE WITH WERE HONORABLE, AND THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD UNDER VERY DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES WITH PEOPLE THEY DIDN'T SUPPORT YOU AT HOME, YOU KNOW? NARRATOR: THE IMPACT OF SERVING IN VIETNAM STILL AFFECTS VETERANS TODAY. THE REALIZATION OF A LOT OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING PROBABLY HAPPENED EVEN AFTER I LEFT, LOOKING BACK, BECAUSE NOW TALKING ABOUT IT EXCITES ME, AND AT THAT TIME I DIDN'T HAVE IT. I WOULD NOT DO IT AGAIN BUT THEN I WOULD NOT TAKE AWAY ANYTHING THAT I HAVE LEARNED, YOU KNOW, ABOUT PEOPLE.

BUT LIKE I SAID, NO ONE EVER EXPLAINED TO US WHY WE WERE THERE? AND TO THIS DAY YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE FRENCH WERE THERE, SO MANY YEARS, AND THEY DIDN'T WIN IT. AND WE DIDN'T WIN IT. BUT THE ONLY THING, I FIGHTED FOR MY COUNTRY, BUT HEY, IT'S NOT MY OWN TO SAY. BUT WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT WHAT DID WE ACHIEVE? ALL THOSE DEAD BODIES AND ALL THE SOLDIERS THERE, WHAT WAS THEIR USEFUL? YOU KNOW, THERE WERE A CERTAIN NUMBER OF THEM WHO WERE DEFINITELY GLAD TO BE THERE, BUT EVEN THEY HAD TO BE CAREFUL.

I mean, the history of Vietnam was a long decade after decade of conflict and they never knew who they should side with, you know, because they didn't know what the outcome was going to be. I WILL ALWAYS FEEL A LOT OF GUILT FOR LEAVING THOSE WHO REALLY BELIEVED IN US WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM. If I had been against the war, I mean, I ended up on an anti-war march in the early '70s, not because I didn't believe in the war, but because we weren't doing anything to end it when I thought we could have ended it or done something and wanted to bring the boys back, if not they were going to solve it.

AND I BELIEVED IN VIETNAM, TODAY I BELIEVED IN IRAQ. WHAT I THINK IS THAT VIETNAM, THE WARS AFTER KOREA, THE REST OF THE COUNTRY IS NOT INVOLVED. NO ONE BLEEDS FOR THAT. WHAT BOTHERED ME WAS WHY WE LEFT BEFORE IT FINISHED. IF WE WERE GOING TO BE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, WE MIGHT HAVE FINISHED THE JOB, RIGHT? THAT'S THE QUESTION I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH. I REALLY DO NOT KNOW. I MYSELF FEEL LIKE IT WAS A TREMENDOUS WASTE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE DIFFERENTLY. I don't regret going, you know. IT SEEMED LIKE A VERY GOOD CAUSE AT THE TIME.

AND THE FACT THAT WE JUST GET UP AND GO OUT WHEN THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL DISAPPOINTED ME. OH YES, I WOULD DO IT AGAIN. I THINK I WOULD NOT... I MEAN, I WOULD NOT HESITATE TO COME BACK AND DO THAT AGAIN. IT PROBABLY... IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A LOT HARDER FOR ME NOW BUT I WOULD DO IT. IT'S JUST INTERESTING. THINGS WE SAW THAT I HAD NOT SEEN ANY OTHER WAY IN MY LIFE. IT WAS A BAD EXPERIENCE AT THE TIME, BUT IF I THINK ABOUT IT NOW, I DON'T THINK I COULD CHANGE MY THOUGHTS FOR ANYTHING.

I THINK IT WAS PROBABLY A GOOD THING TO BE THERE. I THINK I HAD DECIDED THAT I WAS NOT GOING TO LET THIS AFFECT ME. I CONTINUED WITH LIFE. I THINK I MADE A DECISION AND MAYBE I PUT IT IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, AND MAYBE THESE THINGS COME OUT WHEN YOU GET OLDER, I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW, THEY... YOU CAN ONLY STORE THEM FOR A WHILE AND THEN FROM TIME TO TIME, THEY KEEP COMING OUT. YOU BUILD SOME REALLY CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS, YOU KNOW, AND SOMETHING ABOUT THE MILITARY WHO DOES THAT, YOU KNOW. YOU HAVE THE GOOD AND THE BAD BUT FOR THE MOST PART, THEY WERE A GREAT FOUR YEARS FOR ME.

I GOT AWAY WITH MY LIFE, AND SOME OF MY FRIENDS WERE KILLED THERE, AND THEY ARE MEMORIES NOW THAT I CAN TALK ABOUT IT NOW BECAUSE I COULD NOT TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE. BUT AS THE YEARS GO BY, IT BRINGS YOU: IT'S JUST THAT WAY, BUT WE COULD NOT DO IT BEFORE BECAUSE IT WAS A SERIOUS NATURE. LIKE I SAID, SOME OF THOSE GUYS DID NOT COME BACK, BUT WE DID IT AND AFTER 40 YEARS, WE HAVE A REUNION, AND LIKE ALL THE BROTHERS, THEY ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER. LIKE A BIG FAMILY. THERE HAS BEEN A BIG CHANGE IN ME AND IN THE OTHER MEN SINCE I'VE BEEN - SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER.

THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE, YES. YOU'RE IN A CRUCIO WHERE EVERYTHING WAS HOT AND EVERYTHING MIXED, AND YOU BECOME SO CLOSE TO SOMEONE IN A FEW WEEKS, YOU KNOW? AND YOU'RE SO CLOSE TO THEM AND YOU DO IT... THEY'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN UNDERSTAND what you went through, and I don't have a lot of experience because I didn't have those really difficult things that happened in combat. I WAS NOT IN COMBAT AND, BUT THEY REALLY DO IT, YOU BECOME SO CLOSE TO SOMEONE AND THAT'S WHY I THINK EVEN THE SOLDIERS WHO MAYBE BENEFITTED FROM... ANTI-WAR PEOPLE HATE...

THEY HATE AGAINST PEOPLE THE WAR SO MUCH BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO CONCEPT OF WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT CRUCIBLE. THEY CAN TALK AND SAY: THEY HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED IT, THEY DON'T KNOW, AND THAT'S WHY IT'S MUCH EASIER TO TALK TO ANOTHER VETERAN AND IT'S TRUE. I ENJOY THE MOMENT WHEN WE CAN COME BACK AND SEE EACH OTHER AND SHAKE HAND AND A HUG AND THE MOST. WE CAN TALK TO EACH OTHER AND, YOU KNOW, WE DID THIS AND ASSAULT, SOME OF IT... BUT IT'S OKAY, YOU KNOW, IT'S OKAY, WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. Captioning by Paradigm Reporting & Captioning Lisa Richardson, RPR, CRR, CBC,