Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open - SNL

SENATOR COLLINS, THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME IN THE CHAMBER TONIGHT. I WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOU THOUGHT OF THE DEMOCRATS CASE? WELL, IT ANNOYED ME THAT ADAM SCHIFF SAID REPUBLICANS ARE AFRAID OF FACEING THE PRESIDENT, BECAUSE IF TRUMP EVER INTIMIDATED SUSAN COLLINS, I WOULD WALK UP TO HIM AND SAY, YOU DON'T STAND UP - I LOVE YOU. WELL, WE ALL KNOW THAT THIS ACTION PROCEDURE IS A FAKE AND A DECEPTION. THE REPUBLICANS ARE SIMPLY REQUESTING A FAIR TRIAL, WITHOUT WITNESSES, WITHOUT EVIDENCE. THIS WAY WE CAN ACQUIRE PRESIDENT TRUMP AND FOCUS ON THE REAL PROBLEM OF THIS COUNTRY, THE TEENS WHO TRY MARIJUANA.

I'M STILL ON THE FENCE. DON'T WORRY, OUR STAR DEFENSE LAWYER WILL PRESENT YOUR CASE ON MONDAY. YOU ARE HERE NOW TO PRESENT YOUR ARGUMENTS. MISTER. DERSHOWITZ, DO YOU WANT TO COME HERE? HELLO, HELLO. HELLO, HELLO. JEALOUS? YES, HELLO EVERYONE, IT'S ME, ALAN DERSHOWITZ. IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE. BECAUSE I AM NOT WELCOME ANYWHERE ELSE. MANY HATERS OUT THERE, FOR NO GOOD REASON. BUT AS I TOLD MY CLIENT AND MY DEAR FRIEND JEFFREY EPSTEIN. HATERS GONNA HATE. YES, ALAN, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO STAY AWAY FROM EPSTEIN. OH, RIGHT, GOOD POINT. LET ME TRY AGAIN. NOW, MEMBERS OF THE SENATE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS A LOT LIKE ANOTHER CLIENT OF MINE, SIR O.J.

SIMPSON. ALAN. YES? COULD YOU NOT MENTION YOUR PREVIOUS CLIENTS IN RELATION TO THE PRESIDENT? NOT A GREAT LOOK. OH HEY, IT'S NOT A GREAT LOOKING PRINTED ON MY BUSINESS CARDS. ALAN? I DIVIDE. IF I LEARNED ONE THING FROM MY TIME WITH HIS WIFE'S ACCUSED KILLER KLAUS VONBULOW, IT'S THAT APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVED. TRUMP COULD NOT BE GUILTY BECAUSE -- ALAN? ALAN, ARE YOU OKAY? OH, MY - MY HEART. ♪♪♪ OH MY GOD. I'M SORRY, OH MY GOD. LOOK AT THAT, DAMN ALAN DERSHOWITZ. AM I IN HELL? NO. YES YOU ARE. LET ME EXPLAIN. DON'T EVEN DIE, I'LL SEND YOU UP IN A MINUTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MEET YOU. I AM A GREAT FAN. THANK YOU. SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE THE GOAT. I SHOULD KNOW THAT'S WHAT MY LEGS ARE MADE OF. PICK UP A ROCK. THIS IS CRAZY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. I'M ABOUT TO FAN GIRL OUT RIGHT NOW. DO YOU MIND IF I RECORD THIS FOR MY POD CAST. DO YOU HAVE A POD CAST? YES, I INVENTED THEM. THANK YOU SO MUCH. HERE WE GO. WHAT IS YOUR - MAIN PRESSURE, THE DEVIL? REMEMBERING TO VISIT ADAMANDEVE.COM FOR ALL YOUR ADULT TOYS. AND A SHOUT TO ALL OUR OTHER SPONSORS TOO, LIKE VAPING, YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO START VAPING.

AND, OF COURSE, MY PILLOW, NOT THE PILLOW, THE BOY. WE ARE HERE WITH ALAN DERSHOWITZ. YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH. HOW DID THIS TRUMP DEFENSE OCCUR? YEARS AGO, YOU SAID YOU DON'T NEED A CRIME TO ACT THE PRESIDENT. NOW HE SAYS HE NEEDS SOMETHING LIKE A CRIME. YES, WHEN -- I HAVE TO ASK, IS THERE ANYONE YOU WOULD NOT REPRESENT? WELL, AS LONG AS THE CLIENT IS FAMOUS ENOUGH TO PUT ME ON TV, IT'S ALL DUCK, I GUESS. THAT'S A WASTE OF TIME. I used to let no one into Hel, now they're all influencers. FAST STEP DIRECT TO HELL.

FAST PASS LIKE IN DISNEY WORLD OR -- YES, THE PEOPLE AT DISNEY TRIED THE FAST PASS IN HELL BEFORE GOING TO ORLANDO. FRANKLY, A LOT OF THINGS IN ORLANDO STARTED RIGHT HERE. MANY FRIENDS WANTED TO COME TO SEE YOU. Hey, hey. LOOK WHO IT IS, JEFFREY EPSTEIN. I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? JUST HANGING. HELLO. VERY PRETTY. I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PRESIDENT. ALL WE HAVE HERE IS FOX NEWS AND IT HAS BEEN A JOY TO SEE YOUR WORK. I WISH YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN PERSON. YES, YES.

SORRY THEY MURDERED ME. I KNOW. BELIEVE ME I KNOW. TOTALLY. YOU ARE FUN. WHO ARE YOU? HE'S UM - WELL, YOU TELL THEM. I WROTE BABY SHARK. OH MY GOD, GENIUS. AND THAT'S WHY. ♪ I'M IN HELL, DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO ♪ YOU KNOW THE REST. DID SOMEBODY SAID HELL? YES, I MADE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL SO I COULD BE ON TV FOREVER. MADAM. I wish I had done that. THAT'S RIGHT, PLANTER JUST KILLED MR. PEANUT. AND YOU END UP IN HELL. WELL, I TOOK MANY FIRST GRADE KIDS WITH PEANUT ALLERGIES. ALSO, I NEVER WORN PANTS. SPEAKING OF NO PANTS, IS ALAN FINISHED ALREADY?

WE HAVE A LOT MORE WORK TO DO FOR MR. TRIUMPH. ARE YOU IN HELL TOO, MITCH? NO, BUT I COME HERE AND USE IT AS A SAUNA. DID YOU DO THAT THING WITH MERRICK GARLAND THAT I THROWN TO YOU? IT WORKED GRACE. THE SMILE ON MITCH McCONNELL'S FACE IS THANK YOU ENOUGH. AW. WELL, WELL, SATAN, VERY NICE TO MEET YOU, AND I KNOW - I DON'T KNOW IF I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THIS, BUT I - I ALWAYS SUSPECTED IT WAS A WOMAN. YES, I APPEAR DIFFERENT TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. FOR ME THE DEVIL IS A WOMAN MY AGE.

ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE SKEDADDLE. WE HAVE TO PLAY DOUBLES TENNIS AGAINST THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS. AH, THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS, THE ONE WHO ESCAPED. GOOD LUCK, MR. DERSHOWITZ, WE ARE GOING TO SEE THE TRIAL THIS WEEK, MAKE US PROUD. IF WE MANAGE TO FIX OUR TV IN TIME. WHERE'S OUR IT BOY? MARK ZUCKERBERG. ALMOST DONE, BOSS. I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT I DO NOT APPROVE EVIL, I JUST HELP MILLIONS OF PEOPLE SHARE IT. EVEN TO ME, THAT'S AMAZING. ALAN, YOU WANT TO DO THIS WITH ME, BUD. I WOULD BE HONORED. LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT