Think before you speak, hacking the secret of communication | Catherine Molloy | TEDxEnniskillen

Transcriber: Ly Huong Reviewer: Annet Johnson The biggest problem with

communication

is that you feel like you do, but maybe you don't. I'm going to be a little bold now and say, "Maybe they haven't communicated at all." Maybe you thought something, but didn't communicate it verbally. Or maybe you communicated by nodding, winking, rolling your eyes, and actually miscommunicated your message. To truly be the change, we need to hack our

communication

and understand how we are perceived. Confused? Good. So are most of the people we communicate with, including ourselves. Sometimes we tell ourselves all these different stories and we start to get a little confused.

We

think

about things like, he said and she said and they said. And, you know, we all get confused. But the good news is that today I am going to reveal the

secret

of the “power of three” to help eliminate that miscommunication and actually help with conscious communication. Because I truly believe that when you change your language, you can change your life and the lives of those you communicate with. So how are we going to do this today? I'm going to hack a conversation my husband John and I had recently. To put it in context, my husband usually drives me to the airport, picks me up, or takes me to a conference or event.

This day we are on our way to a company and I was going to have a little talk about body language. So we spent a lot of time in the car. You know, we'll sing, we'll chat, we'll catch up on things. I don't know about you, but we had a good time in the car, right? Now, wait, I see some of you (Laughter) could be more than just backseat drivers and have a little more fun, you know, like, "Look out, honey, there are lights ahead," or "Watch out for the cow." there in the paddock” or “There is a roundabout indicator!” You know, it may not be as fun, or maybe more.

But that day John and I were in the car and I said, “Do you mind? I have to finish some emails.” Then he nodded. You know, we were consciously communicating. I took out my phone and started working. All good, right? So we are driving on a three lane highway and we are in the center lane with one lane on each side. As we drive and I work on my emails, I see my husband's head start to spin. You know, we all have peripheral vision. So I quickly leaned back so he could change lanes. All good again, right?

Mistaken. The next minute I felt warmth running down my arm. John can get very heated when he gets angry. I looked at him and said, "What's wrong?" Here's what he said: Remember, he's driving. “You don't have to get stiff and tense when I drive. There is nothing wrong with my driving.” Well, I don't know about you, but we've been married for 30 years, so maybe I got tense once or twice when he came up. He got us into the roundabouts. And he has backed into every car we've ever owned, even the kids' cars. So I've probably tensed up a few times.

But this time he was right; I was getting tense and I shouldn't be tense. Now, I don't particularly like being yelled at for something I didn't do. Then I looked at my husband and said, "I'm sorry, I just leaned back so you could change lanes." And this is what he said: "I'm sorry." And that was the end of the conversation. Have you ever been yelled at for something you didn't do? And I'd love to know, "How did that make you feel?" You see, husbands, wives and partners, they can fight for days over raising an eyebrow at the wrong time.

So I had the right to be really angry with him for yelling at me for something I didn't do, right? Or did I? You see, most of us react in a split second. So we react before we even

speak

. So at this point, John had a right to be mad at me because he was right. Well, that's another TED talk. (Laughs) He felt that he was right at this point, because I had tensed up. He had been able to use my language with my actions at the same time and said, "Would you like to change lanes?" None of this silent miscommunication and anger would have ever happened.

You see, it's interesting, isn't it? Because in my split second, I made up a story to John that he needed to change lanes. And in the split second he made up a story that was making me tense. I wonder, have you ever made up a story for someone? Have you ever seen someone looking angry, frustrated, or tired and maybe made up a story? Or maybe even to yourself sometimes? Or maybe it even happened today? Can I see a raised hand, if you've ever made up a story for someone without asking them what was wrong? Yes, we have all done it.

We are all humans. You know, we have thousands of thoughts going through our heads every day. And these are the thoughts that, you know, drive our behaviors, our assumptions, and even our values. And even drive us all crazy sometimes. So for change to occur, we need to really learn to start communicating consciously. People spend a lot of time trying to read other people's body language, but it's very subjective. I've been studying this for a quarter of a century. And what I have discovered is that the most important thing is that you understand what your body language is saying and how it is perceived and received in the conversation.

You know, I can't control even 10% of how you're going to feel about this conversation today. But I can control 100% of my actions and how I respond to the situation. You know, it was really funny how we both made up stories for each other and we were both wrong, but we didn't really know it at the time. And my simple move of just lying down turned a moment of peace into a war zone, and I didn't even know that was going to happen. And, you know, even some of our greatest leaders in the world constantly and consistently fail to communicate between their words and their actions. (Video) “Start working on not touching your face, because…” “We always say the common sense of washing your hands, not touching your face.” You have already seen that it is quite difficult to control this split-second reaction when we are not conscious in our communication.

And I say, instead of telling people what not to do, we should tell them what to do. So if I said to you right now, “Don't

think

about a purple tomato. No, no, don't think about it." You're all thinking about a purple tomato. And I understood, when I reflected in the car, that the lack of communication actually started with me when I didn't use my words with my actions. And imagine how many times a day this happens to everyone. So what I actually did was write this quote here: “What you believe doesn't make you a better person; the way you behave does.” You see, what we believe is not always right;

I thought John needed to change lanes and he thought I was getting tense, but the way we're acting is. When I quickly reflected and consciously communicated my actions to John, I was able to apologize and then he was able to apologize to me as well. What we do about it? Are we going to spend the rest of our lives

hacking

conversations and communications to eliminate a bad situation and make something else better? It is a lot of work to be a conscious leader. It's a lot of work to understand that you can react in a split second before

speak

ing.

Is it more fun to yell at everyone to prove that you're right and they must be wrong? But at what cost... to your health? And at what cost to your relationships? I even know people who will cut off a family member, who will cut off a job, who will cut off a friend, because they must be right. That other person must be wrong. I remember a 60-year-old man. One day he was crying with me and said, "I wish I knew this when he was 21." I think whether you hear it when you're nine or when you're 70, we can still be the change if we start to be more consciously present in our communication, that we can communicate at a little bit higher level. , a more conscious level.

Because I truly believe that the number one most needed skill on the planet today is conscious communication. And, in 2017, I created the Conscious Connection Framework. And this will be our

secret

trick today, the three things that have been given to all of us. The first thing is our body language, understanding that we react in that fraction of a second. This creates our ripple effect in our conversations, in our lives, and at work. Our body speaks very loudly without saying a word, and yet it can very easily miscommunicate if we are not attentive. So the second thing is being aware: being aware of yourself, being aware of the person you're talking to, being aware of the context in which you're talking.

And the third thing I'd love for you to invest some time in is understanding the behaviors. Understand your raw behavior when you are under pressure, how you are going to react. And once we begin to understand this, we can begin to connect and communicate with anyone, anywhere, for win-win results. These are the three tools we have all been given: our body, our mind, and our natural behaviors. And once we start to understand this and put it into action, we create a level playing field where we can connect and communicate with anyone, anywhere. And I truly believe that in this world we live in today, using these three powerful tools that we've all been given will make a huge difference.

And today I think that, you know, when you stop and talk to someone and put that smile on your face, that makes a difference. So I'm going to ask you now to turn to just one person. Only one person. I want you to say, "I'm glad you're here today." Go. (Audience speaks) Alright, come back to me. Come back to me. Fantastic. And you know what? You said it with a smile. And when you smile, it's the best thing you'll ever see. So, boy, I've got a nice crowd here today. So in this world we are in, you can be the change.

You can be the change by consciously communicating and being aware of your body language, practicing mindfulness, and understanding behaviors to create that level playing field where you understand your ripple effect. You can have more benefits for everyone in your life with your family and friends. Wouldn't that be great? Imagine reducing miscommunication by 10%, 20%, or even 30%. I truly believe that your presence in the present moment is important. What if we all reflected a little more and learned to communicate consciously? Thank you. (Applause)